Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

[harrycantdrive]

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

Me and my friends use this word very loosely and very freely. I also use it OCCASIONALLY to be mean or when I am angry. Tbh I think I agree with one of the first replies - maybe he wants anyway and hes using this as an excuse.

That being said I know a lot of people HATE the word.

@LinMortisanass I agree. And he does sound like a bit of a cunt tbh 🤷🏼‍♀️

I find it weird some people get upset over a things we randomly label 'swear' word... Cunt is a term of endearment round here, like Fuck it has hundreds of uses and can be used as exclamation.

People who clutch their pearls over it just seem uptight and silly, they are giving way to much power to 4 little letters.

Like who and why did people decide 'Cunt' is offensive but something else like 'Elbow' isn't? and what about the middling 'bad' words like 'Fart', 'Bloody' or 'Hell'? and why do they think their specific offense to certain parts of language should be standard? lol.

I mean people still use words like 'Thug' that have actual racist and hate crime origin without a second thought but are offended over Cunt which just is slang for vagina.

Sounds like he was being a cunt. Act like one, then don’t be surprised when you get called one imo. You calling him that after weeks of emotionally abusive behaviour does not make you the villain, or the instigator of the end of the relationship. He was treating you like shit because he doesn’t want to be in the relationship any more, and your verbal retaliation was the excuse he needed for himself not to be the bad guy, for leaving his pregnant partner.

Sorry but calling your partner a cunt is completely unacceptable. Would you do it to friend, parent or stranger on the street? Would you condone it if a man had called his pregnant wife a cunt? I highly doubt it. It’s using someone as a verbal punching bag and it’s disgusting.

I say this as someone who was in a relationship with someone who was verbally and physically abusive and it’s just not ok. The verbal abuse was arguable worse. If it gets to the point you’re having to call someone a cunt, then the underlying issues need to be addressed
and fast.

You're talking as if you just lost your cool one time, when driven to it. But that's far from the case, isn't it?

On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too.

So yes, he's awful, but you didn't just flip and say something that you'd never normally say. You said it and tried it on several occasions.

You're as bad as each other and the relationship is clearly toxic. You need to leave to get away from him.and get your own act together before this baby arrives.

I think you could probably both go to some counselling and get things straightened out about behaving respectfully to each other.

You have both been horrible. The answer to someone being nasty to you is not being nasty back, you know that.

I agree. It sounds like this relationship doesn't work for either of you, and neither of you are coming out of this smelling of roses.

Yeah. This. He checked out as soon as you were pregnant and now you’ve given him a reason to leave and lay the blame entirely at your door. He’ll blame it all in you.

Tophy124, I don't think age comes into at all, I know both older and younger who love it, and others who hate it

He wants to leave. He needed a reason, any reason. Its not worth beating yourself up about it because if it hadn't of been that, he would of found another reason. It would of ended one way or another. Tbh it sounds toxic and abusive on both sides and you don't want to bring a baby into that environment. If this never happened, his behaviour would of worsened, your behaviour would of worsened and it would of ended anyway just with alot of mental damage done on both sides and alot of regret wishing it had of ended sooner. It doesn't feel like it now, but this is definitely for the best for all involved, including your baby.

If someone seriously called me a cunt or I felt compelled to call someone a cunt, the relationship wouldn't be one I'd want to be in.

OP have a look at this https://breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/ and maybe google "reactive abuse" for some more information. Does that sound like your situation? The definition on another site is as follows

"Reactive abuse is an in-the-moment reaction to mistreatment from another person. When a victim reacts, the abuser uses this reaction to impart further abuse in the form of blame-shifting. The abuser will transform into a victim themselves in an attempt to make the victim view the situation in a different way, and believe a different reality from the one that’s actually being lived. In this way, reactive abuse is often seen as a form of gaslighting, which is the emotional manipulation of a victim."

That's certainly how it sounds to me and I'm sorry you're also getting criticised by people on here who have reacted to the word you said without looking at the wider context.

I suspect your partner will be back to "give you another chance". I would strongly recommend that you don't get back with him and instead make plans for a new life with your baby without him.

The first time someone called me that would be the last. Once might be forgivable at a push in your situation, but it sounds like you've done it repeatedly. It's insulting and nasty. I'd be gone too if I were him.

Constructive arguments because he wanted out. He behaved badly, got you to bite and now it’s your fault he can’t possibly stay. He was too much of a coward to have a grown up conversation with you.

YABU for calling anyone a cunt. I'd never call my partner that and he wouldn't me. We argue like anyone but that doesn't give you the right to call people names.

He is being unreasonable for not communicating effectively and for drinking too much. You have every right to be upset about this, or calling time on the relationship if it doesn't improve.

It sounds like a car crash relationship and now a baby is involved. I think you'd all be happier if you broke up and just concentrated on the baby instead of, what sounds like, an unkind, unsupportive relationship.

It's not the just the word, it's the intent with which it's used.

I find this thread weird personally. The OP has given several updates about how she's tried calmly, over and over, to resolve things and he's pushed and pushed her with nasty behaviour - clearly to force her into breaking up with him because he's a loser who doesn't want the responsibility of being the father to his baby.

We're all quick to say that abuse can start and escalate when a woman is pregnant, but I guess if a woman OOOOHH, clutch the pearls, swears, then she's just as bad as he is.

Meanwhile, he's spent weeks pushing her to her absolute limit at the most vulnerable time of her life and the worst she's capable of is swearing at him, yet she's just as bad as him because of using the c word? Good on you OP.

I think this is all true in a healthy relationship. I don’t think the OP’s relationship was healthy

I'm sorry things are goin the way they are OP; I hope you're doing okay

Of all the areas for a couple to be a match, I think arguing style is a really important one. For some couples, calling each other a cunt while bickering is totally normal, for others throwing any insults around is totally unacceptable, other never raise their voices in 50 years of marriage. It's important to have someone on your arguing level, so if you start name calling, you both do it and then move on. I hope you and you little one do okay, and don't accept all the blame for how things have turned out.

Everyone is allowed their boundaries as to what they consider inexcusable in a relatio relationship. Although you seemingly despised his behavior, he did not cross your boundaries - if he had, you would have been the one to leave. You did cross his boundaries, and he did leave.

It doesn’t matter who did wrong first or why. It doesn’t matter if he already had a foot out the door or why. It doesn’t matter who did worse. He hadn’t yet crossed your boundaries and you crossed his.

Personally I think you need to do some soul searching on why you tolerated so much, what you’d like your boundaries to be and how to be strong enough to enforce them.

I also wouldn't stay with a partner that called me that word

Hello high and almighty MNers! Please get off your high horses for a minute. I cannot believe the reactions here! Who are we defending and who are we condemning exactly?
I say jolly good work OP! You insulted the nasty drunk enough to get him offended and now he is leaving you. Congratulations! That was a very smart move to make. He feels offended! The poor miserable drunk!
Brilliant OP, brilliant work. Efficiently and rapidly done deal. Now you can raise your baby in peace.

And may this be a lesson to all the other women out there on how to get rid of a nasty bastard- make him believe you are the terrible one.... just don't believe it yourself.

Its quite obvious he doesn't want a baby.
Its sad but I don't think you are suited.

I find that word very very offensive too, expecially if it's spat out with venom behind it. I also would have to reconsider a relationship if my partner said that word to me. Its way over the top in anything but a "that's it I'm completely done with you" situation. I wouldn't be able to look at them the same way - it's just too abusive a word to used in anger.
I understand lots of people use that word loosely, but in an argument or said with passion nothing is more offensive imo