Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

[harrycantdrive]

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

I wouldn't tolerate being called a cunt.

You both sound as bad as each other.
Poor kid.

If he's like this before the baby arrives he'll be much worse later. You're better off out of it. No expectations is better than being constantly disappointed.

I think this sums up everything neatly.

If someone called me that I'd end the relationship as well. It's disgusting language. Being pregnant is no excuse

There's no point in focusing on what he did though, he's not here. The only person who can reflect on the situation and their role in it is the OP. Nobody is defending his behaviour at all, it sounds like the OP should have left first.

@SayHi i wasn’t ‘regularly verbally abusive.’ That’s my point. I had weeks and weeks of literally holding his hand, calmly asking why he was being so nasty to me, asking him to be honest and talk about his behaviour. Everyone has a breaking point and I feel it’s disproportionate and unjust to say that because I then called him a cunt that that was what broke the relationship. I don’t think what I did was ok but he has painted it entirely out of context.

@Changes17 yes I agree. I felt like I had to mother him the last few months and I know the relationship is better over.

Oh bless you. Don't be too hard on yourself because it does sound a difficult situation. The change honestly screams some sort of internal crisis that he's facing, he's literally trying to run away from his problems with the drink, leaving you etc. Do you still love each other is the important thing and can you make it work.

Erm... I know what you did wrong. You called him a cunt. Whether you're unhappy with his drinking or not that is verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is accepted as a form of domestic abuse. Not a form of reasoning. Your language is no better than his drinking and to be honest you are no better for it. Why should he put up with it? I wouldn't.

Obviously calling someone a Cunt is a bit out of order. However it doesn’t sound like that’s what ended the relationship. Sounds like he was on his way out already, acting horribly after you got pregnant suggests he was questioning if wife/kid is what he wants.

Of course it’s good for you to reflect on your behaviour and how you might handle similar situations differently in the future. I don’t think you should take the guilt for the break up though, sounds like he was on his way there regardless.

Sorry you are facing this period in your own. I can’t imagine a harder time to have a break up. Sadly it’s not unheard of though, I know a few men who have left long term partners and turned in to arseholes as soon as a baby is on the way.

I’d shift your focus to thinking about how you can co parent as successfully as possible and how you can get a better relationship (Conparent relationship) going forward.

Agree. Time to walk away.

If someone called me a cunt it would be the last thing they ever said to me.

@Abreezeintheglade thank you. I would have tried anything the last few months. I suggested counselling alone or together, tried to book a weekend away so he could ‘de stress.’ Asked if he wanted some space to spend time with friends. The list is endless. I am not sure it would be salvageable now. I apologised a LOT for calling him a cunt. He’s never once apologised to me. I am sad it has ended up like this, it’s very hard to feel like I was the reason for it ending. I know that’s just details and doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things but it is like the final straw with his behaviour, he can’t even own his part in it.

I don’t think you should feel guilty at all.
he should cut you some effing slack as you’re clearly exhausted and hormonal creating a human child! My god his behaviour sounds awful. look after yourself xx

You are not good together. Regardless of fault it is as simple as that.

Hopefully you'll be better parents apart. You need to learn to keep your cool, detach from him in all ways other than being as amicable and possible so you can both successfully but separately parent.

That's one word you'll never hear in our house. OH and I agree it's an awful word to call anyone. In fact neither of us who do swear ever use it as an adjective.
Sorry it would have broken us up

Just sounds a blessing that your child isn't going to be brought up in this environment really. Perhaps the counselling would be best aimed at teaching you both how to communicate much better to co-parent?

I mean for me his behaviour would have been the end of the relationship - you're pregnant and he's getting arrested for being drunk and disorderly? I'd have left then!

You stayed, with him displaying that sort of behaviour. You then took your frustrations at being in that situation out on him, becoming quite verbally abusive (texting and calling someone names and calling them names in person). He's within his rights to end the relationship for that reason.

You were happy to continue that relationship despite his behaviour, he wasn't willing to with your behaviour, imo it's equally toxic on both sides but he just decided he wasn't going to put up with it. You could easily have reached that decision with his behaviour but you didn't.

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat sorry I meant I don’t know what I had done wrong to cause the onset of the awful behaviour. It seemed to come out of nowhere.

@bibbityboppityboo yeah I see what you mean. I guess I was just hopeful we could be responsible and resume our once happy relationship for the sake of our child. I didn’t want to just give up on it I guess. I certainly would have left had I not been pregnant. I suppose on the up side it’s better to end now rather then when the baby is here.

I think you're getting a hard time on here OP. People are reacting like you've drowned a puppy. It's sounds like your OH really is a bit of a c..., so you're better off without him. I hope everything goes well when baby arrives 💐

Apologise for calling him a cunt. Cunts are useful.

Or maybe he doesn't want to tolerate a foul mouthed harridan, if this were a woman being verbally abused the responses would be quite different. If he feels he wants to LTB then he should. Too many women on this site use the simple thing of being pregnant as an excuse for so much horrible berhaviour.

I wouldn't stay with someone who calls me names either. That is do disrespectful. I also wouldn't want to parent with someone who can't communicate normally. I'm not sure that your relationship was a good one but you should really learn how to communicate like an adult. You wouldn't call your boss or your grandma a cunt so why on earth do you call someone that you actually love a cunt?

He's trying to make it all your fault because then he doesn't have to accept his own awful behaviour. You know you behaved in a way you're not proud of and need to address. But you're not the sole cause of the relationship breakdown. You're not going to convince him of that though.