Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

[harrycantdrive]

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

OP I wish you'd posted this in relationships. Unfortunately quite a lot of people seem to use this section specifically to berate others for perceived transgressions as a way to get their kicks or give themselves a boost or something.

creating a human child!

You mean podding.

Having a baby isn't the immaculate event that MN seems to think, millions do it without making a song and dance about it.

A bit vulgar 🤐

I absolutely wouldn’t tolerate that at all. I’d kick someone out so quick it wouldn’t hit them on the way out. Why on earth do you or he want to be with someone who puts your down and belittled you? You need to respect each other and big each other up. Calling each other names or you calling him names is not on really…….

She's not the ones who's been arrested for being drunk and disorderly and drinks too much at other times.

In fact, I'd say she definitely isn't the cunt. But he is.

It seems a toxic relationship. I would leave if someone called me that to be fair.

I didn’t say she’s a cunt, i said they both behaved badly. Which they did. Repeatedly calling someone a cunt is not decent behaviour.

Agree. If my DH used that word to me, I'd be leaving him too.

Ok it probably is an excuse and symptom of something deeper but there is really no excuse for using that word.

Mumsnet is an oxymoronic world where the word cunt is allowed and revelled in on the boards, until someone actually utters it in real life and then it's leave the bastard time. I have called my husband a cunt when he's been a cunt. As he has me. I've also said far worse in the heat of the moment. As has he. A long marriage is one where things will be said that cannot be unsaid and things done that cannot be undone. You will hurt each other occasionally. You change and grow together through those phases and accept generally for better and worse. (In fact cunt isn't beyond the pale to me- I would and have said it to friends colleagues and gasp, my teenagers).

I think he was looking for an out op. Put down the guilt and focus on you and the baby. Guilt will help none and is not necessary right now. Look after yourself.

You're having a baby. You've realised things are changing as a parent and accepted it.

He can't accept or cope with it. So I'm afraid you're on your own. Have a lovely baby and life.

I think getting arrested for drunk driving is worse than calling someone a cunt.

OP, you are well out of it.

i agree he wanted to leave, he is just trying to find a way to make it your fault and ease his own guilt, best off without him if that is the case

OP you should have left him if you didn't like his behaviour and how he was treating you, instead of becoming verbally abusive instead.
You say you snapped and youre justifying saying this (numerous times) based on his behaviour, but imagine if you had snapped and instead of verbally abusing him you physically abused him by hitting him or throwing something at him- would you still be justifying your behaviour?
He sounds like an arsehole and the relationship sounds toxic but you were still in the wrong to call him a cunt (no matter what he did) when you could have just ended the relationship.

What did he do that pushed you to call
him this?

If you read her posts, she’s been pretty clear about it.

Well I have been with DH for 34 years and never, not once, has he called me a cunt, a bitch, a slut, a witch or anything. Neither have I ever called him those things. I won't tolerate it and neither would he. When you label a person instead of their behaviour you are on a slippery slope away from caring about each other imo.

You both need to grow up tbh. I hate cunt being used as a term of abuse. You're about to push a baby out of yours, it can't be that bad.

He's disengaged so I get why you're angry. Yelling won't change it and when the baby comes, there will be much more stress so if he's like this now, I wouldn't rely on him at all as a father. Sorry to say.

@catscalledbeanz I guess it's only us that are desensitised to the word and see it for what it is a word ... like I say the drunk and disorderly thing just proves he is exactly that. If my partner got arrested for that I'd be calling him much worse lol.

C..T is a disgusting word to repeatedly call someone . No wonder he's left although I think he was looking for an excuse . Not sure he sees himself playing happy families .

Why don’t you read her posts?

He sounds like he was being a total cunt, bad luck on him if it stings to be told so. You’re better off rid before the baby comes I reckon.

Swap it around. My wife came home drunk and I called her cunt. Yeah no that’s not right.

He may well be an arsehole but he was an Arsehole you apparently loved and wanted to stay with even as a drunk.

He even as an arsehole who gets drunk decided he didn’t want to stay with someone who was verbally abusive to him.

He'd anyway checked out of the relationship, hence the drunkenness and nastyness. He's just too much of a coward to end it, so he's pushed you, and pushed you, and when you snap, it's all your fault seemingly.

Urgh.

I rarely swear. I'm not a big fan of it. However, it's just a word. Far nastier things can be said to someone than a generic swear word.

I don’t mind the word cunt either tbh. Like that man was acting like a right ole cunt. But I wouldn’t call my husband a cunt or my
mum.

You calling him names is not the sole reason for the relationship ending, he's gaslighting you by pretending it is and so are all the posters focusing only on you.
You are both at fault but imo he's more at fault, it sounds like you snapped under his unreasonableness, I'm not saying it's right but there is the world of difference between calling someone a cunt when they've done nothing to deserve it, that is verbal abuse, and calling someone out by telling them they're acting like a cunt when they are.
The comparisons to caring for a toddler are ridiculous, toddler's can be stressful but it's a totally different experience than dealing with a partner who behaves like yours was.
And people will say, 'well, you choose to stay' etc etc but it's easy to say they would leave and harder to actually do it when you're expecting your first baby and the uncertainty that brings, hoping things will get better etc etc.
He can push his narrative and blame only you, anyone who knows you will know that your outburst didn't come out of nowhere and anyone else doesn't matter.
The fact you feel relieved to leave this relationship while pregnant says it all.
Take care of yourself and your baby.