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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister should think carefully about her wedding date?

256 replies

ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 07:14

My sister (28f) just got engaged. (or rather, they are just waiting for the ring and will then make it public/announce it, but her bf has gone round to chat to my dad)
My sister and whole family live in a different continent. Myself, DH and 2 children live in the UK.

We (me, DH, kids) have flight tickets to go back home for Christmas. But we fly out end of November and are only returning in the middle of January. (+- 7 weeks) We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included.

My sister phoned me crying yesterday explaining how she and bf had been wanting to get married in October, but obviously really want us there, but really do not want to wait till December. Besides, she argues that December is a hard time to get married.
{for context, we are a large close-knit family, having a big Christmas get together)
She does not want to miss Christmas with us and family, to be on her honeymoon if she gets married December. ( we have another family wedding 15th of December so she argues with another wedding and Christmas, when is she going to fit in her wedding? )
I get that, really, she wants to feel special not pushed in somewhere, she wants a nice long honeymoon, but not have to miss family events and get married sooner rather than later.

But we make things difficult. To add to that my mom has apparently said the's intentionally being difficult by not just having the wedding when we are there.

Realistically best choice would be to get married in January (after Christmas and everything) and I can help with arrangements etc or then October and we miss out.

I do not want to influence my sister either way as I think it is her choice, but don't want her to regret it down the line. ( the photos I have of my wedding with my sisters helping me get ready are special to me)

What would you do? Is it reasonable to expect November, December or Jan or should they just do October.
Thanks for reading this far!!

OP posts:
Whoopsi · 20/06/2023 07:18

To be honest I think it’s bizarre that you’d book your flights before you know when the wedding is, and expect your sister to work round you.

sunshineandshowers40 · 20/06/2023 07:20

I think the flights were booked before the engagement?

Mehmeh22 · 20/06/2023 07:21

She needs to think carefully? Sounds almost like a threat! She can have the wedding when she likes! You need to work around her, not the other way around

SnapPop · 20/06/2023 07:21

Your sister has to make her choice. I'd agree with you that January seems like the best option, but if she wants to go for October knowing you won't be able to come then that's her decision.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 20/06/2023 07:22

Your sister and her bf choose what suits them and you go if it works for you or decline if it doesn't.

Changingplace · 20/06/2023 07:24

If you knew there was a chance her wedding might be later this year you should’ve waited to book your flights, why did you make such a massive assumption?

Booking for this year she will probably find there’s limited availability for venues anyway, so there won’t be a pick of dates to go for anyway!

Babyenroute · 20/06/2023 07:24

How long is the flight and can they be moved? Lots of time between now and October to try and change your arrangements so that you can be there for October.

ThatFraggle · 20/06/2023 07:24

Whoopsi · 20/06/2023 07:18

To be honest I think it’s bizarre that you’d book your flights before you know when the wedding is, and expect your sister to work round you.

Exactly.

You don't live in the country. Why do you think January is 'better'?

Your sister knows the weather better than you do. Maybe tourist books say that December is best for a holiday, but your sister knows there are dusty winds in December and would prefer it when it's a bit chilly, in October.

Maybe October is the anniversary of when they first fucked. Maybe she's already pregnant. Maybe her/his job is super busy in December. Maybe...

It's none of your business when your sister books her wedding.

And it was super dumb to book tickets without discussing it with the person you're visiting.

Overthebow · 20/06/2023 07:24

Can’t you change your flights to October?

standardduck · 20/06/2023 07:25

I would have waited to book flights if you didn't know the exact date. Can you still change them?

WillyLows · 20/06/2023 07:25

I think you're getting this the wrong way round. If you really believe you should be at the wedding you adapt your plans to get there rather than expect your sister to adapt her plans.

rubyslippers · 20/06/2023 07:25

i’m a bit stumped with this one
on the one hand you’re around a lot
bur she wants her wedding in a certain month
if this has all been so pre planned - you seemed to know it was coming etc - why weren’t you all more explicit with each other

wildfirewonder · 20/06/2023 07:25

Back right off. How you did your wedding is irrelevant.

She can make her choices. You can either go at another time, or if you can't (money, work, fixed flights) you can't.

Bobshhh · 20/06/2023 07:27

Without knowing the continent they’re on, an October wedding is potentially a very different time of year to January or December. Asking your sister to pick a date to suit you is unreasonable.

Wicksytricksy · 20/06/2023 07:31

Have you been making her whole life about you or just this wedding?

SilverPeacock · 20/06/2023 07:31

It’s up to her you can’t put any pressure on as you rightly say and either you go or you don’t. She may well regret it but there’s not much you can do about it if that’s what she decides. I had something similar with brothers wedding I couldn’t attend. It’s not the end of the world.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 20/06/2023 07:34

Makes sense for her to choose it around when you're around to me. My sister had various reasons than meant we decided to get married two months later than we'd have liked to make it easier for her. Guessing if she has it on Oct she still won't see as much of you after as she'll go on honeymoon when you're still there. In reality, I'd be disappointed in my sister if she did this but wouldn't make a fuss and would enjoy it all the same.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/06/2023 07:34

To be honest if you move away from family you can’t really expect them to orchestrate events and plans around when you can fly over, you will miss things.

however it’s a months difference so seems bizarre your sister wouldn’t just plan it for then.

Lcb123 · 20/06/2023 07:35

Why the rush? Doubt they’ll get a wedding venue for this year anyway.

bibbityboppityboo · 20/06/2023 07:38

As PP said, can you move your flights?

There's already another family wedding in December - is that partly why you're flying over? Tbh I can see why she wouldn't want to just slot her wedding into your pre planned visit, it's a huge day for them!

If they get married when they'd like in October, are you able to get another flight out for that week? January vs October can be hugely different weather and just might not be when they want to get married. I honestly think their choice takes total priority here.

If you live in a different country to your entire family I think it's a bit much to expect them to plan their lives (a wedding is a huge occasion!) around your pre scheduled visits.

I think YABU to give your sister a three month window she can get married in to fit around your pre booked holiday, if my sister tried that one I'd be laughing at her! 😂

Bansheed · 20/06/2023 07:38

I agree that January makes sense but it us ultimately her decision. Of she got married in Oct, could you go on your own?

Runnerduck34 · 20/06/2023 07:39

Its difficult, but unfortunately you cant expect your sister to fit in with your plans. Are your flights flexible? Can you change the dates? Although appreciate this may be tricky with annual leave/ work.
I think you just have to say, we are here between x and x and would love to attend your wedding but if the wedding is outside of these dates we may not be able to come as cannot change our flights/ afford new ones/ get anymore time off work.
I agree November or January may be best for you logistically but its ultimately up to you Dsis and her Bf. Although tbh I think I would try and ensure my dsis and her family were there if it was my wedding, but can see the bride may feel steamrollered by you, family and her BF over dates.
If I thought there was an upcoming wedding i would have tried to save holiday and waited for announcement before booking anything.

Bansheed · 20/06/2023 07:39

For context we live overseas amd wanted to get married in Oct but it would have meant a few key members having to change holiday plans so we moved it to mid February to accommodate them.

WandaWonder · 20/06/2023 07:42

Whatever they want to do would be what I would do, you cannot dictate what they should do but they can't expect things from other people either, they can only do what works for them at the time

Modaboutyou · 20/06/2023 07:43

Your sister should get married when she wants, not when it's convenient for you.

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