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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister should think carefully about her wedding date?

256 replies

ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 07:14

My sister (28f) just got engaged. (or rather, they are just waiting for the ring and will then make it public/announce it, but her bf has gone round to chat to my dad)
My sister and whole family live in a different continent. Myself, DH and 2 children live in the UK.

We (me, DH, kids) have flight tickets to go back home for Christmas. But we fly out end of November and are only returning in the middle of January. (+- 7 weeks) We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included.

My sister phoned me crying yesterday explaining how she and bf had been wanting to get married in October, but obviously really want us there, but really do not want to wait till December. Besides, she argues that December is a hard time to get married.
{for context, we are a large close-knit family, having a big Christmas get together)
She does not want to miss Christmas with us and family, to be on her honeymoon if she gets married December. ( we have another family wedding 15th of December so she argues with another wedding and Christmas, when is she going to fit in her wedding? )
I get that, really, she wants to feel special not pushed in somewhere, she wants a nice long honeymoon, but not have to miss family events and get married sooner rather than later.

But we make things difficult. To add to that my mom has apparently said the's intentionally being difficult by not just having the wedding when we are there.

Realistically best choice would be to get married in January (after Christmas and everything) and I can help with arrangements etc or then October and we miss out.

I do not want to influence my sister either way as I think it is her choice, but don't want her to regret it down the line. ( the photos I have of my wedding with my sisters helping me get ready are special to me)

What would you do? Is it reasonable to expect November, December or Jan or should they just do October.
Thanks for reading this far!!

OP posts:
ThursdayFreedom · 20/06/2023 09:23

autieawesome · 20/06/2023 09:02

Op you don't look good in this. It reads like you assumed they would get married while you were there so you have limited their options. If they want to marry in October can you change your flight

@autieawesome

can you move Christmas?

Maddy70 · 20/06/2023 09:24

Whoopsi · 20/06/2023 07:18

To be honest I think it’s bizarre that you’d book your flights before you know when the wedding is, and expect your sister to work round you.

This ....

Rearrange your holiday around the wedding

OhBling · 20/06/2023 09:28

I assume that you are from somewhere in the Southern hemisphere and that flights and travel to your home country are expensive and long? And that therefore you booked your flights for the big family Christmas well in advance and still nearly passed out at the cost?

I don't think your sister should be forced to have her wedding just because you're already in country. But I do think she needs to accept that if she has it in October, there's a good chance you and your family won't be able to attend, or, at best, that you'd attend alone - probably for a relatively short trip - and the rest of the family would have to stay home.

For what it's worth, one of my closest friends and I fell out over a similar situation - she was getting married in Australia a few weeks before I was getting married in another country and she couldn't understand why I couldn't come and be her bridesmaid, taking 2 weeks off, just before my own wedding for which I was taking 3 weeks off and had expensive plans to travel...

ButterflyCharm · 20/06/2023 09:28

We had relatives from Hong Kong, America, Norway and Spain attend our wedding. DH and I were also restricted to when we could marry as we were forbidden time off in term time. We both worked in higher education so more weeks available than school term time but still restricted. When my niece married I needed to get one day off in term time, they incredibly kindly let me have the day even though I was supposed to be giving out exam results and I am still amazed they did.

We did our best and gave a years notice of the date.

inappropriateraspberry · 20/06/2023 09:28

Nothing to do with you. They arrange the wedding when they want. You go or you don't. If people tried to get a date that everyone can attend with no problems, they'd never get married!

nettie434 · 20/06/2023 09:30

I think the OP is getting so much criticism based on the thread title rather than the actual post. She booked the flights for November-January to be there for a family Christmas and another wedding. She made the trip home as long as possible in the hope her sister would also be getting married but the main reason for the visit was the definite family Christmas and wedding, not another wedding that might or might not happen. Presumably the later she left the flight bookings, the more expensive they would have been.

The OP is not questioning that the final decision about the wedding date remains with her sister and her sister's fiancé. She's just stating that her sister has a dilemma, with pros and cons for each of the months between October and January.

Beautiful3 · 20/06/2023 09:33

I would tell her that, it's her wedding and to plan it for whenever she wishes. However you won't be able to come outside of Dec-Jan. Annual leave, finances, logistics and children in school are valid reasons. Tell her you would love to have a live link to the wedding, so you can watch it from the UK. Send a nice gift for the wedding, and catch up with her over Christmas. If she wanted you there, then she'd plan it for when you're there. She's prioritising her needs over including you and your family. That's absolutely fine, she's allowed to do that, but she cannot complain that you didn't come! Be nice and leave it down to her. If you can't go that's fine because it was out of your control.

Lizzt2007 · 20/06/2023 09:33

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/06/2023 08:19

Presumably the criticism is more that the OP booked the dates she did, before her sister is even engaged, planning for the fact that she would have her wedding then, even though she wasn't even engaged or had set a date!

It's a bit batshit.

Show quote history

She didn't , the batshit on this thread is how many posters seem to have absolutely no reading comprehension at all. Op booked for another family wedding and Christmas, and expected sisters ENGAGEMENT to be announced, and that she'd be there to then help plan a wedding. NOT that the wedding would be held then.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/06/2023 09:34

@ThroughGraceAlone

it’s her wedding, not yours
you work around her
hth

drpet49 · 20/06/2023 09:36

ButImNotOldEnough · 20/06/2023 08:40

I think they should have it whenever they want and if you can’t make the trip then that’s a shame, but really tough luck.

This. I wouldn’t change the date of my wedding especially to have it in the freezing colder months in this country and definitely not in December.

SunIsShininInTheSky · 20/06/2023 09:38

It's her wedding though, she can get married when they the couple like. I don't understand why they need to work around you? It isn't your wedding, you are a guest.

MooMooSharoo · 20/06/2023 09:39

It may have been misinterpreted, but it does sound like you booked your flights after you knew of a potential wedding and just assumed your DS would arrange the wedding around your visit. That is a little odd, though if you'd been planning on going for Christmas anyway, I can understand you might have had to book the flights when they opened up or risk not getting them at all.

However, does your DS know that she doesn't have to go on honeymoon straight after the wedding?? We had 15 months between our wedding and honeymoon!

It does feel a bit too quick to be getting married in October when she's not even set a date yet. Depending on the size/scale of the wedding she's going to be very limited in terms of availability of venues and dresses (I ordered my dress in August and it was ready in February for an April wedding and I felt it was cutting it a bit fine!).

ilovesushi · 20/06/2023 09:39

She will regret you not being there, no question. Sounds like she is dealing with lots of conflicting priorities at the moment but the penny hasn't dropped yet that the most important thing is having you there. Hopefully she'll realise in time! My mum organised her wedding for a date her sister-in-law couldn't make - she was so wrapped up in everything, it was done accidentally/ thoughtlessly not maliciously. She has always felt bad about it!

GeriatricMumma · 20/06/2023 09:39

It's not your wedding. End of.

YABU

BoogiemanSam · 20/06/2023 09:44

We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included.
By doing this you've basically tried to dictate when your sister has a wedding because you don't want to spend extra money flying back home, or miss Christmas with your family by flying on different dates. Your entitlement and lack of awareness here is absolutely shocking. If I was your sister I would be planning my wedding when I wanted and if you couldn't attend then so be it. Your mum is awful for putting this guilt on her too.

Mirabai · 20/06/2023 09:46

Knowing bridezillas in general - sis may well want the date she wants and want her sis at her wedding.

Annipeck · 20/06/2023 09:47

You mean, what would we do if we were your sister? Or if we were you? I don't think you have to 'do' anything, other than deal with what she and the man she's marrying decide. And she can presumably make that call herself?

In your sister's shoes I would do whatever suited me best, but I can't imagine having the time and energy for all this ceremonial faffing and waiting about for rings, and having a boyfriend who would even contemplate 'talking to my father' -- and yet after all this faff, not announcing, yet everyone seems to know and your sister is phoning people in tears, they are then desperate to get married inside a few months, and you seem to have anticipated that even before an engagement by booking an extra-long trip home?

This all sounds a bit mad and high-drama to me. Are you just that kind of family? Because you saying you don't want your sister to 'regret it down the line' because you cherish photos of getting ready for your wedding with your sisters is a bit odd. She's not you. I'm very fond of my family, but got married with only two witnesses, because it suited us. My brother had a very traditional enormous wedding, because that worked for him and his now-wife.

Not really your circus.

Mirabai · 20/06/2023 09:48

BoogiemanSam · 20/06/2023 09:44

We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included.
By doing this you've basically tried to dictate when your sister has a wedding because you don't want to spend extra money flying back home, or miss Christmas with your family by flying on different dates. Your entitlement and lack of awareness here is absolutely shocking. If I was your sister I would be planning my wedding when I wanted and if you couldn't attend then so be it. Your mum is awful for putting this guilt on her too.

Has it crossed your mind that OP might not be able to afford two aus/nz flights in one year? Talk about entitlement and lack of awareness!

You may not like your sisters or they may not like you, but many siblings would want their sister at their wedding.

Blanketpolicy · 20/06/2023 09:49

I assume your/your dh work is very flexible and the kids are not in school if you can travel home for 2 months. Are the flights flexible at all? If your sister got married in October could you change them and have Christmas back home? Or could you and the kids fly out earlier?

If not all you can do is let your sister know when you can make it, wait for the date and if you cant do it, then decline.

Fourecks · 20/06/2023 09:51

planthelpadvice · 20/06/2023 08:53

Also guessing southern hemisphere where Christmas isn't quite the same as is it is in the UK so I expect it's much more common to have December/January weddings - same as having June/July weddings in the northern hemisphere.

Anyway - doubt the OP is coming back, but if this is real and she's still reading - I think you need to tell your sister to make the best plan for her and you'll do your very best to be there. It isn't reasonable to expect her to work around your dates. Could you go on your own ahead of the rest of your family or stay longer?

I understand why you'd assume Dec/Jan weddings are common in Australia, but it's not the case at all.

Summer in Australia means much higher temperatures and humidity than the UK. In some parts of the country, it's storm/cyclone/bushfire season.

Plus, having Christmas in summer means most of the country takes holidays at some point, especially in the Christmas to NY period when there's three public holidays in a week. Anyone sending wedding invitations mid year would likely find a lot of people have already booked holidays away (though rising cost of living might lessen that this year).

In NZ, you'll have the holiday issue as well but the weather will be more favourable.

OP, I agree you've had some harsh responses. Look at the cost of changing your flights/whether it's possible to move your leave and let your sister know whether it's possible for all of you/just you to attend in October or November. It's then up to her what she does with that information.

TheSnowyOwl · 20/06/2023 09:51

Can you change your flights to go out in October and return at Christmas, or even just before?

Mirabai · 20/06/2023 09:53

As much as one can say why should the sister change her wedding date to accommodate OP, one can equally say why should OP miss Christmas with her family to accommodate her sister.

GoldfincTart · 20/06/2023 09:53

Australia? New Zealand? Flights booked a long time ahead to save money? I know what it's like: friend and family in NZ and you book well ahead, particularly for November-February because prices double.

You're going to be there from the end of November till mid-January. Surely there's time to have the wedding in say, the first or second week of December or the first week of January so that you can be there? She can have her honeymoon and still be home with family for Christmas if she wants to compromise. Otherwise she can have it in October as she wants and she'll see you a few weeks later. I wouldn't want the cost or inconvenience or jet lag, flying out in October for the wedding and then doing the same trip again in November. We have videos and there'll be thousands of photos of the wedding. It's not like the old days, when you really missed out if you didn't go to an event.

Spiderpl · 20/06/2023 09:53

Since OP has kids I’m assuming flights are influenced by schools?

Also why wouldn’t OP book at Xmas! She would go home for Xmas no matter what, the flights won’t be cheap so why would she ever do it twice. If she’d had booked October then she’d miss Christmas with her family - which is what the sister is concerned about.

January makes sense but you can’t force her. So sounds like you’ll need to just make sure she’s aware you won’t be there in October

CruCru · 20/06/2023 09:55

OhBling · 20/06/2023 09:28

I assume that you are from somewhere in the Southern hemisphere and that flights and travel to your home country are expensive and long? And that therefore you booked your flights for the big family Christmas well in advance and still nearly passed out at the cost?

I don't think your sister should be forced to have her wedding just because you're already in country. But I do think she needs to accept that if she has it in October, there's a good chance you and your family won't be able to attend, or, at best, that you'd attend alone - probably for a relatively short trip - and the rest of the family would have to stay home.

For what it's worth, one of my closest friends and I fell out over a similar situation - she was getting married in Australia a few weeks before I was getting married in another country and she couldn't understand why I couldn't come and be her bridesmaid, taking 2 weeks off, just before my own wedding for which I was taking 3 weeks off and had expensive plans to travel...

I agree. Presumably the OP's children are not yet in school and their jobs are flexible enough that they can take 7 weeks off?

If I were to take 7 weeks off from work (or want to work remotely for several weeks), I would have to give months and months of notice at work. If I then told my employer I wanted to shift my dates by a month they would laugh. And say no.

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