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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister should think carefully about her wedding date?

256 replies

ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 07:14

My sister (28f) just got engaged. (or rather, they are just waiting for the ring and will then make it public/announce it, but her bf has gone round to chat to my dad)
My sister and whole family live in a different continent. Myself, DH and 2 children live in the UK.

We (me, DH, kids) have flight tickets to go back home for Christmas. But we fly out end of November and are only returning in the middle of January. (+- 7 weeks) We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included.

My sister phoned me crying yesterday explaining how she and bf had been wanting to get married in October, but obviously really want us there, but really do not want to wait till December. Besides, she argues that December is a hard time to get married.
{for context, we are a large close-knit family, having a big Christmas get together)
She does not want to miss Christmas with us and family, to be on her honeymoon if she gets married December. ( we have another family wedding 15th of December so she argues with another wedding and Christmas, when is she going to fit in her wedding? )
I get that, really, she wants to feel special not pushed in somewhere, she wants a nice long honeymoon, but not have to miss family events and get married sooner rather than later.

But we make things difficult. To add to that my mom has apparently said the's intentionally being difficult by not just having the wedding when we are there.

Realistically best choice would be to get married in January (after Christmas and everything) and I can help with arrangements etc or then October and we miss out.

I do not want to influence my sister either way as I think it is her choice, but don't want her to regret it down the line. ( the photos I have of my wedding with my sisters helping me get ready are special to me)

What would you do? Is it reasonable to expect November, December or Jan or should they just do October.
Thanks for reading this far!!

OP posts:
SpringIntoChaos · 20/06/2023 07:47

It's already the end of June...and she's just got engaged (still no ring)...and yet she's set her date already for October?? This year October?? 4 months away?

I can't even believe this is for real to be honest...she'll be lucky to book a venue and suppliers! But if it is, then let her crack on 🤷‍♀️

StopFeckingFaffing · 20/06/2023 07:47

YABU and your thread title definitely implies that she needs to select a date that suits you!

Arranging an extended trip on the basis that your Dsis 'might' get married is completely bizarre behaviour

Let your Dsis and her fiance select a date which they are happy with without trying to influence her. You have made your views clear already. I can totally understand why she doesn't want a January wedding as January is a pretty shit month for any kind of party as people generally cba after Christmas

Sirzy · 20/06/2023 07:49

What choice do your sister and her finance get in any of this? They can get married in May on the moon if they want!

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 20/06/2023 07:51

You are only there for 7 weeks with a family wedding and Christmas taking up time. I feel sorry for your sister.

Aprilx · 20/06/2023 07:52

I think you are being unreasonable and frankly pretty awful to your sister. You moved away, booked flights when you knew a wedding was coming, but before you knew what date. It’s all about you isn’t it, you expect the world to revolve around you.

It sounds like she has good reason to not want a December wedding, missing Christmas, very close to another family wedding. You need to do the decent thing and change your flights!

LadyBird1973 · 20/06/2023 07:55

I don't get why there's so much criticism of the OP. The sister doesn't want to miss out on a family Christmas any more than the OP does. And this is part of her reasoning in wanting an October wedding, just as it's part of OPs plans to fly out end of November.

Very few people would get engaged in June and married in October of the same year. OP shouldn't be blamed for not taking that into account before booking her flights. Presumably the time OP has booked has been planned around her own life events too - time off work etc.

OP is from the continent where her sister lives - I'd guess that she knows what the weather will be like in January.

Yes, the sister has a right to marry when she pleases, but with this level of notice, she's a bit unreasonable to get upset if family who live on another continent can't make it.

That said, in OPs shoes, I'd try to either fly out by myself for the wedding or if possible change flights for whole family to go earlier and return earlier. But this only works if your/dh's jobs allow and airline are flexible.

Moveoverdarlin · 20/06/2023 07:56

Assuming weddings aren’t so heavily dependent on good weather in your home country? Because if someone told me to have a ‘January’ wedding I would tell them to get lost. It’s a crap month to get married. But largely due to UK weather, everyone being skint, fat and depressed.

Notonthestairs · 20/06/2023 07:57

I read your Op as though you your booked your Christmas flights long before your sister got engaged.

In which case she has a choice to make. She can book when she knows you are definitely able to be there OR she can choose an alternative date but not pressure you if you can't attend.

The decision is hers.

ThisIsACoolUserName · 20/06/2023 07:58

So you want your sister to plan her entire day around your availability? 🤔
Surely this is just one of those things that happens when you move overseas from your home country - you might just have to miss out of these sorts of events.

Turangawaewae · 20/06/2023 07:58

I'm guessing you are travelling to Oz or NZ where flights need to be booked well in advance for Xmas and cost a fortune. (We've paid 2k each recently for urgent family trips). I dont think waiting a couple of extra months is that big a deal for most international families.

But I think you have to let her make the decision. It may be that she just can't get a venue at such short notice.

VisionsOfSplendour · 20/06/2023 08:01

Lcb123 · 20/06/2023 07:35

Why the rush? Doubt they’ll get a wedding venue for this year anyway.

Eh?

The wedding could be literally anywhere in the world and somehow you know that the venues will all be booked😃

Better let the bride know not to waste her time even thinking about October

Alami · 20/06/2023 08:01

Ug I feel so sorry for your sister. Stop being so fucking bossy. Fit in around her. Find out what she wants. For once.

IncomingTraffic · 20/06/2023 08:04

You know that you aren’t the most important person at your sister’s wedding, don’t you?

Because you seem to think it’s should be organised to suit your plans and preferences. You decided what your sister’s window should be and booked flights without even stopping to think that this wasn’t your decision to make at all.

And now you phase it as your sister should ‘think carefully’ and that she’ll ‘regret it down the line’ if she doesn’t do it the way you want. Really?

One of the things about moving away from your family - moving abroad at that - is that you know you will miss all sorts of family things. Or it will cost you a lot in flights to be able to attend the things you want to.

LittleBearPad · 20/06/2023 08:05

It’s not your call when your sister gets married. January’s a crap month to get married

BarbaraofSeville · 20/06/2023 08:05

If you always travel there for Christmas, which is what it sounds like, and there's the other wedding in December, then the best solution would be for them to have the celebration/party aspect of the wedding during the 7 weeks that you're over there, when everyone is together, first week in December, for example.

They can have a small legal ceremony and go on honeymoon in October/November at their convenience. She must have known that you could probably never go in October, if you're always there at Christmas, so it shouldn't be a surprise that you can't make it.

NerrSnerr · 20/06/2023 08:06

If I was in this situation I'd tell her to have the wedding when she wants and if you can't make it you'll have a celebration when you see each other at Christmas.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/06/2023 08:06

We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included

This is the weirdest bit. They decide when they want to get married and you fit around that.

MichelleScarn · 20/06/2023 08:09

Whos weddings the 15th Dec? Awaiting the mn post..
"Cannot believe my family member hijacking my wedding time!'

SkyandSurf · 20/06/2023 08:10

I'm guessing it's NZ or Oz and your sister wants a spring wedding. Fair enough.

Gently OP, you need to pull your beak out. It's your sisters business, back off with the emotional blackmail.

If you think your presence is essential to your sisters happiness and memories- then great, show up and support your sister whenever her wedding is.

You're the one who moved to the other side of the world from the big close family you care so much about. I'm afraid it's on you to make it work if it's important to you.

ActDottie · 20/06/2023 08:11

It’s your sisters choice and you were stupid to book the flights before you knew more.

JaukiVexnoydi · 20/06/2023 08:12

I think yabu to make a thread about this.
Your sister is obviously thinking very carefully about this.
Ultimately the wedding day is about her snd her beloved, not about you, and she should not be having to pick her wedding day on the basis of whether or not you can be there.

You said you booked a 7 week stay because you were expecting this to happen and wanted to give your sister a chance to arrange the wedding while you were there, effectively deciding for her what her options would be, that really doesn't seem reasonable.

You are currently expecting to go there end november and leave mid January. To be able to take 7 weeks like that you and DH must have extremely flecible employment and either the kids must be not yet school age or you don't care about fines, so assuming that, it wouldn't be too hard for you to rearrange flights to go out in the last week of October, arriving for the wedding, and leave on 2nd January - so would be 9 weeks rather than 7 but a situation flecible enough to allow for 7 weeks may well stretch a little more.

Or if that wouldn't work I would be rearranging the Christmas flights to be just 4 weeks rather than 7 and do a separate trip in October for the wedding.

Obviously you want to be there, and your sister wants you there. If you can't be more flexible then all your sisters memories of her wedding will be full of "well it wasn't ideal, I wantes xxxxxxx but I had to sacrifice that so my sister could be there" (where xxxxx stands for numerous different things that aren't working for her at the moment)

Catlord · 20/06/2023 08:13

Why did you book an extra long trip expecting them to get married without a date? Your sister can have her wedding when she likes. If you were expecting this you could have held on or had a discreet word to say 'we need to get tickets booked before prices skyrocket. Are there any particular dates we need to consider?'

Have you always made things about you?

I don't know where they are but Oct and Jan could be completely different months as they are in the UK. I'd personally love an autumn wedding but not so much one in the depths of winter. If Aus I suppose that would be spring vs the heat of summer.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/06/2023 08:14

What if she decides she wants a year to save and plan the wedding so it'll he next autumn?

Gorringe · 20/06/2023 08:15

LadyBird1973 · 20/06/2023 07:55

I don't get why there's so much criticism of the OP. The sister doesn't want to miss out on a family Christmas any more than the OP does. And this is part of her reasoning in wanting an October wedding, just as it's part of OPs plans to fly out end of November.

Very few people would get engaged in June and married in October of the same year. OP shouldn't be blamed for not taking that into account before booking her flights. Presumably the time OP has booked has been planned around her own life events too - time off work etc.

OP is from the continent where her sister lives - I'd guess that she knows what the weather will be like in January.

Yes, the sister has a right to marry when she pleases, but with this level of notice, she's a bit unreasonable to get upset if family who live on another continent can't make it.

That said, in OPs shoes, I'd try to either fly out by myself for the wedding or if possible change flights for whole family to go earlier and return earlier. But this only works if your/dh's jobs allow and airline are flexible.

couldn’t have put it better myself.

Brefugee · 20/06/2023 08:15

You booked flights in the hope your sister would fit in with your plans? and your sister's fiancé and his family? what about them.

And another wedding in December?

She is entirely right to want to choose her own wedding date. And it is unfortunate that you can't go but there it is. (I had to miss my brother's wedding because of circs and it's shit but it happens) Making out your sister is the bad guy in this is shitty. Trying to get your mum on your side also shitty.

Let it go.