To think my sister should think carefully about her wedding date?

[ThroughGraceAlone]

My sister (28f) just got engaged. (or rather, they are just waiting for the ring and will then make it public/announce it, but her bf has gone round to chat to my dad)
My sister and whole family live in a different continent. Myself, DH and 2 children live in the UK.

We (me, DH, kids) have flight tickets to go back home for Christmas. But we fly out end of November and are only returning in the middle of January. (+- 7 weeks) We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included.

My sister phoned me crying yesterday explaining how she and bf had been wanting to get married in October, but obviously really want us there, but really do not want to wait till December. Besides, she argues that December is a hard time to get married.
{for context, we are a large close-knit family, having a big Christmas get together)
She does not want to miss Christmas with us and family, to be on her honeymoon if she gets married December. ( we have another family wedding 15th of December so she argues with another wedding and Christmas, when is she going to fit in her wedding? )
I get that, really, she wants to feel special not pushed in somewhere, she wants a nice long honeymoon, but not have to miss family events and get married sooner rather than later.

But we make things difficult. To add to that my mom has apparently said the's intentionally being difficult by not just having the wedding when we are there.

Realistically best choice would be to get married in January (after Christmas and everything) and I can help with arrangements etc or then October and we miss out.

I do not want to influence my sister either way as I think it is her choice, but don't want her to regret it down the line. ( the photos I have of my wedding with my sisters helping me get ready are special to me)

What would you do? Is it reasonable to expect November, December or Jan or should they just do October.
Thanks for reading this far!!

This. Some of the responses on this thread astonish me and I think the OP has been very badly treated.

Maybe that should have crossed OPs mind then? Just a thought. She knew her sister was getting engaged and seems oblivious to the fact that her sister and her fiance might not want to getting married in specific 7 week timeframe. I personally wouldn't have jumped the gun and at the very least had a basic level conversation with them to discuss dates before booking expensive flights.

You are going back home for Christmas.
Flights were arranged before word of this engagement.
Those are your plans.
Presumably, you told your family of your plans and nobody objected and you told them again when it was all booked.

Your sister and fiancée can book their wedding whenever they want to, taking everything that’s important to them into account.
It’s not for you or anybody else to have expectations that the wedding should be in November, December or January. It’s their decision entirely. It may well be a tough decision for them to juggle their many priorities but that’s life and it’s very likely they have other date constraints on the groom’s side which you know nothing about.

If your sister invites you to an October wedding, you consider the invitation and respond accordingly. Maybe you can change all your flights. Maybe you take a few days off and go alone. Maybe you go earlier and your family follow on as planned. Maybe you all miss the wedding but join in online somehow and celebrate again over Christmas.

In the meantime, confirm your dates to her and allow her and her fiancée to now make their wedding plans without further stress, otherwise she will be forever going found in circles and have all the joy sucked out of it.

You need to change your flights and go to the wedding when she books it.

No she doesn’t. Just as the sister doesn’t need to have OP at the wedding if she has other priorities.

So so wrong expecting your sister to adapt plans to suit yourself. You wouldn't have liked that but you expect her to like it. If you love her you make the effort to be there when she decided not on your terms. So sad you've made it complicated for her should be a happy time

Don’t get emotional about it. Stay neutral and say
”it would be lovely if we could see you get married whilst we are there, but completely understand if October suits you better. Let us know what you decide to do”

Then it’s her choice. Personally I think the November, first week that you are there, sounds better than post Xmas.

No, she really doesn't. She booked the flights to take in Christmas with the family and another wedding. She thought her sister might get engaged around Christmas time — and now it turns out that the sister is engaged now and planning to marry before Christmas. As others have pointed out, arranging a 7-week period off work and schools can be a major PITA as well as a massive expense and the bride will understand that not everything can be altered to suit her.

The sister can make her choices. OP can make her own. It's fine for her sister to book her wedding when she wants it. It's fine for the OP to say she can't go. We can't always get what we want.

people don't seem to understand the costs & logistics of taking a family on a 7 week holiday/family visit to say NZ.

given OP is the one who has moved away, by the sound of it, all the compromises should be done by her (in this scenario I'm op and all my family live in our home country) and yes, you do miss things, but that is the way of living abroad.

Surely nobody expects people to plan their weddings around a time they're visiting?!!

If my sibling was imploring me to "think carefully" about my wedding date, they wouldn't be invited.

You expect them to move heaven and earth for you but you won't for them.

October is one of the top months for weddings. Depending on where she is, it can be an absolutely beautiful month that will provide a very different wedding to one held in December or January. Presumably she’s only intending to have one wedding, so it’s understandable that she wants it to be a certain way.

Change the flights?
Is it cultural, like they can’t have sex or live together until married, so waiting until January is a huge ask!

YABU for booking the flights. It sounds like you assumed she would get engaged and then booked from November to January assuming that she would get married during that time. But you assumed far too much.
You could have had an open and honest conversation with her before booking the flights "Hey sister, do you think you might be getting married any time soon, wink wink, supposing you were to be getting married when do you think that might be". If you weren't able to have the conversation or she wasn't able to answer at that time, then it's tough really isn't it. You can't expect her to plan her wedding for the time you happen to be in the country.
So you either need to change the flights or miss her wedding.

I agree with this

Yes! "Think carefully before you...".always sounds ominous and really means "don't dare do that!"

Yes, but in most places January has chappy weather and assuming OP has to return by 7th January, she expects her sister to marry in first week of Jan, the chappies weather time. October has better weather. Even end of Feb is better time than early Jan.
Op says her sister might regret getting married in October as she won't have photos with OP to look back to. But I think sister would regret more choosing a dec, early Jan date, when each year they have crappy weather and holiday fatigue on the anniversary day.

Sorry my autocorrect preferred chappy, I meant crap weather.

I don't think OP has been unreasonable in booking the flights. She's already going there for a very long time and honestly what is the difference between getting married in October as opposed to November when OP is going to be there anyway.

Ultimately it's the sister's decision but if she makes that decision knowing someone from another damn continent can't be there then she can't ring up in tears over it.

Wedding is in South Africa, where I'm from so I know the weather. January is summer.

Carefully was the wrong word.

I'm not at all saying she needs to work around us or else. I'm not threatening at all. Obvioulsy I would love to be at my sister's wedding, and would be sad to miss it, but really want my sis to have the wedding of her dreams. If she wants to get married in 'may on the moon' as someone said, why not!

But she wants us there! She phoned me in tears yesterday saying she wants an october wedding, but wants us there and she's upset because she feels torn. And that she's upset that my mom thinks she should have it in Nov/Dec/Jan.

For context, we delayed buying our tickets to wait for her to announce something. We asked her multiple times if she had any idea of her preferred dates. "hey we know he hasn't asked yet and all, but we are hearing some rumours that you guys might want to get married towards the end of the year. Don't want to put pressure on you guys, but flights are getting really expensive and we are coming home for Christmas, but want to know if there are other dates we could potentially work around." ie if she preferred January/feb wedding we would come end of december to feb or maybe rather november and dec. whatever. And she kept saying she doesn't yet know, but she's sure she and bf would be 'practical' about it. Ie try arrange it when it suits most

Also school year is from jan - dec in Africa, so my younger brothers and sister would be writing exams in october and november, right before schools and uni closes in end nov for summer hols.

Our Australian wedding was a week later (early December) than I'd initially wanted, so that my sister could fly back from the UK and stay for Christmas - she was doing postgrad study and there was a real limit how much she could miss.
But I can understand your sister's reluctance for another December date if you've already got a family wedding that month. Sounds like they should consider a date very very soon after you arrive.

Like others, I wonder how old your children are. I managed a 7 week trip back to Australia with similar dates to yours when my children were in very early primary (independent schools); so I can absolutely appreciate that may be the only practical timing for a longer trip around Christmas.

If it is Aus/NZ you're going back to, then what other posters may not appreciate is how far in advance you sometimes have to look to find even vaguely reasonable prices. (or, nowadays, horrendous prices as opposed to completely extortionate ones!)

Unfortunately one way or another there will have to be major compromises made. I hope a sensible route through can be found. Part of the trade off of moving continents unfortunately. My sister's wedding in the UK was about 3 months or so before my eldest was born, so my mother could only come over for the wedding and didn't meet her first grandchild till I took her back age 3 months.

Its purely her decision, totally wrong to even try to influence her to have the wedding when it suits you. For long haul families the ideal is at least a years notice so you can plan trips around it.

I see I cross posted with the OP! The added information about other siblings with school and uni exams - she's being just a trifle ridiculous to want it in October IMO. Fingers crossed for a compromise that works for most of you.

So she basically said she's upset that my mum feels december or jan would be the most practical time and then she said the person that would potentially be unable to come would be us, what do we think?

I said, financially it would be really hard to come twice and we cant cancel tickets it is non refundable, but that i am do not mind either way. again, i'd love to be there and help out wait arrangements etc, but if she prefers october, please go ahead.

My question is more : Should i say, you know what in the grand scheme of things 2 months is not that long to wait and would fit around everything a bit better, so might be worth considering.
Or should i just say go for novemeber. Once again I don't mind, I just wonder if she might not look back and think you know what why was i so adamant to have it in october?

But from what i gather hear, i should just continue to say, I'm neutral, whatever you think is best, we'll either fit in or cant

Family Christmas has been planned for a long time and we needed to book flights. Flights get really expensive. They weren't engaged, everyone just had a feeling they might get engage and Dec is usually wedding season in SA.