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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister should think carefully about her wedding date?

256 replies

ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 07:14

My sister (28f) just got engaged. (or rather, they are just waiting for the ring and will then make it public/announce it, but her bf has gone round to chat to my dad)
My sister and whole family live in a different continent. Myself, DH and 2 children live in the UK.

We (me, DH, kids) have flight tickets to go back home for Christmas. But we fly out end of November and are only returning in the middle of January. (+- 7 weeks) We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included.

My sister phoned me crying yesterday explaining how she and bf had been wanting to get married in October, but obviously really want us there, but really do not want to wait till December. Besides, she argues that December is a hard time to get married.
{for context, we are a large close-knit family, having a big Christmas get together)
She does not want to miss Christmas with us and family, to be on her honeymoon if she gets married December. ( we have another family wedding 15th of December so she argues with another wedding and Christmas, when is she going to fit in her wedding? )
I get that, really, she wants to feel special not pushed in somewhere, she wants a nice long honeymoon, but not have to miss family events and get married sooner rather than later.

But we make things difficult. To add to that my mom has apparently said the's intentionally being difficult by not just having the wedding when we are there.

Realistically best choice would be to get married in January (after Christmas and everything) and I can help with arrangements etc or then October and we miss out.

I do not want to influence my sister either way as I think it is her choice, but don't want her to regret it down the line. ( the photos I have of my wedding with my sisters helping me get ready are special to me)

What would you do? Is it reasonable to expect November, December or Jan or should they just do October.
Thanks for reading this far!!

OP posts:
itslikethis · 20/06/2023 08:38

These responses are really harsh. We don't know where pp's family are from. She was expecting an engagement to be announced but a wedding to happen this year? It's quite short notice to be planning a wedding for this year with the hope that family can fly in for it and book leave etc.

Op is married but how many kids? What were the costs of flights when she booked as compared to waiting? For my DH to go home particularly in December we would both have to book leave in with work very early on and booking flights early could literally be 50% cheaper with the cost later being unaffordable to us. It's sounds like op was trying to be organised and maximise time with her family and is being slated for it. I don't think she expects her sister to work around her.

ButImNotOldEnough · 20/06/2023 08:40

I think they should have it whenever they want and if you can’t make the trip then that’s a shame, but really tough luck.

Parker231 · 20/06/2023 08:41

We also live in a different country from both sides of our families
We decided on our wedding date - send out invites and guests accepted or declined. It’s your sister and her partners decision - leave them to decide the date they want, not the date which suits you best.

Brefugee · 20/06/2023 08:42

Sapphire387 · 20/06/2023 08:21

Perfectly possible. We decided in November, got married the following March. It was wonderful. Not everybody even wants a massive wedding.

OP - you are being very unreasonable. You cannot book a trip in anticipation of a wedding when the date has not yet been set, then try to insist the couple picks a date within your window. Listen to yourself, honestly.

Show quote history

we got together in January and married in May. 40 years ago. Lots of people don't bother with long, drawn-out engagements.

I do feel OP is getting unnecessary criticism for booking her flight to (presumably NZ or Oz) so early. You have to for a family otherwise the price is outrageous. The vague expectation of sister's wedding is also ok.

But "she should think carefully about her wedding date" is overstepping

HeckinBamboozled · 20/06/2023 08:47

It's up to your sister obviously. 🤷🏻‍♀️ BUT she must realise that by not giving a lot of notice that friends and family living abroad may find it impossible to attend.

Buyyouflowers · 20/06/2023 08:50

It’s not about you and if she wants to get married in Oct she should.
If you can’t go then you can’t go.

I wouldn’t want to get married in December when there already is a wedding and then Xmas on top of it all.

katepilar · 20/06/2023 08:51

I think its very weird to book yourselves a long christmas holiday and expect your sister to get married in that window.

Situation does sound tricky and I guess should have been discussed more openly upfront to avoid this.

Mikimoto · 20/06/2023 08:51

October is 15 weeks away...so she can't be doing THAT much planning!

Jan. would give her more time & let her see the fam, but as everyone says, her decision + consequences.

planthelpadvice · 20/06/2023 08:53

Also guessing southern hemisphere where Christmas isn't quite the same as is it is in the UK so I expect it's much more common to have December/January weddings - same as having June/July weddings in the northern hemisphere.

Anyway - doubt the OP is coming back, but if this is real and she's still reading - I think you need to tell your sister to make the best plan for her and you'll do your very best to be there. It isn't reasonable to expect her to work around your dates. Could you go on your own ahead of the rest of your family or stay longer?

JenniferBarkley · 20/06/2023 08:54

Setting a wedding date, and the rest of the organising, can be very stressful - especially if family have lots of opinions. I think you need to tell her to get married whenever she wants, and if that's in October then you can't wait to see the photos and hear all about it when you visit.

I got married 12 years ago, and some of the things that family did still shape the relationships and how we draw boundaries. Don't be that relative.

ApplesInTheSunshine · 20/06/2023 08:56

YABU. If you thought this was coming you should have waited to book your flights.

darkmodeon · 20/06/2023 08:58

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/06/2023 08:06

We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included

This is the weirdest bit. They decide when they want to get married and you fit around that.

Yes that's the weird bit I agree.

HoppingPavlova · 20/06/2023 09:01

Depends where DSis is located as I can’t imagine a wedding in Dec/Jan in Northern Hemisphere would be great. Asking someone to get married in cold weather is a bit much. Same for Southern hemisphere, Dec/Kan would be high summer and too hot to be reasonably comfortable for a wedding. I’m in Australia and unless I wanted my face to be melted puddle and sweat stains under myself/DH’s arms no way would we have chosen that time to get married. So southern hemisphere Spring/Autumn okay, Northern hemisphere prob Spring/Autumn/Summer depending on where exactly.

PeaceLilies · 20/06/2023 09:01

I purposely picked my wedding date with the expectation that it would make it easier for my family to come (us in Australia them in the UK) because I wanted to give them every opportunity to be there, booked for UK school holidays etc, if they had already booked their flights I would have tried my best to book for when they were here cos that would be important to me...

autieawesome · 20/06/2023 09:02

Op you don't look good in this. It reads like you assumed they would get married while you were there so you have limited their options. If they want to marry in October can you change your flight

LivingDeadGirlUK · 20/06/2023 09:04

December is a bloody awful month for a wedding and you said there is already another one then. It sounds like you have booked your festive break and want her to fit in with you, you should have waited then you could have booked oct-dec instead of nov-jan.

ThatFraggle · 20/06/2023 09:05

Also January is not a good month for many. Broke from Christmas. Your family would have had a wedding weeks before. Stressed from all the work piling up from mid December. Why should your sister get married then if she doesn't want to?

reabies · 20/06/2023 09:08

We got married in December, in the UK, because we knew a lot of friends and family who live overseas would likely be travelling home for Christmas anyway and would be able to come. We had people there who would not have been able to come if we had done it 1-2 months earlier or later. But, that was important to us (and a December wedding can be lovely lol for those who think it sounds godawful).

If your sister prefers another time then that's totally her prerogative but she may have to accept you can't be there then. We also missed several weddings when we lived overseas for this exact reason, it's not easy or cheap to drop everything and fly around the world for a wedding. Where you ABU is to try to influence things. Just say 'we are only able to be there if it falls between November and Jan, but if that doesn't work for you have a lovely day and we'll facetime while you're getting ready' or something like that.

caringcarer · 20/06/2023 09:12

It's a pity if you can't go to your sisters wedding given you will be around for 7 weeks and presumably attend the other family wedding in December but it's up to your sister to choose October and you can't attend or December/January and you can attend. She might have her own reasons for wanting October but it's not long for planning a wedding.

headcheffer · 20/06/2023 09:14

I think your sister needs to book her wedding on a date she wants, and if you can't be there then that is just how life is.

MrFlibblesEyes · 20/06/2023 09:16

Do you think its likely that she may already be pregnant and wants the wedding quickly before she gets too big and uncomfortable?

YeahIsaidit · 20/06/2023 09:17

You booked a 7 week stay before your sister was even engaged in case you were needed to help plan the wedding? What? It's up to her sister and her fiance when they get married, not you

Hadjab · 20/06/2023 09:18

LadyBird1973 · 20/06/2023 07:55

I don't get why there's so much criticism of the OP. The sister doesn't want to miss out on a family Christmas any more than the OP does. And this is part of her reasoning in wanting an October wedding, just as it's part of OPs plans to fly out end of November.

Very few people would get engaged in June and married in October of the same year. OP shouldn't be blamed for not taking that into account before booking her flights. Presumably the time OP has booked has been planned around her own life events too - time off work etc.

OP is from the continent where her sister lives - I'd guess that she knows what the weather will be like in January.

Yes, the sister has a right to marry when she pleases, but with this level of notice, she's a bit unreasonable to get upset if family who live on another continent can't make it.

That said, in OPs shoes, I'd try to either fly out by myself for the wedding or if possible change flights for whole family to go earlier and return earlier. But this only works if your/dh's jobs allow and airline are flexible.

100% this!

ThursdayFreedom · 20/06/2023 09:18

@ThroughGraceAlone

I'm sorry you've had such nasty & ridiculous posts on your thread.

people don't seem to understand the costs & logistics of taking a family on a 7 week holiday/family visit to say NZ.

they also seem to think you can move Christmas!

you've booked your flights, you're there for 7 weeks, leave it to your sister to decide whether to miss out on having you there & have an October wedding, or book their wedding for when you're there. If she chooses October & regrets it later that's her look out I'm afraid.

January is a good month for a wedding in NZ. My niece has, just last week, booked hers at the venue she wanted for Feb.

I'm in a similar situation with the wedding though, she booked it 'so I could be there' without actually asking & forgetting our school holidays are different here than there & I can't go when she's booked for 🤦🏻‍♀️

MuggleMe · 20/06/2023 09:21

Get married in Nov and go on a mini moon and bigger honeymoon later in the year.