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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister should think carefully about her wedding date?

256 replies

ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 07:14

My sister (28f) just got engaged. (or rather, they are just waiting for the ring and will then make it public/announce it, but her bf has gone round to chat to my dad)
My sister and whole family live in a different continent. Myself, DH and 2 children live in the UK.

We (me, DH, kids) have flight tickets to go back home for Christmas. But we fly out end of November and are only returning in the middle of January. (+- 7 weeks) We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included.

My sister phoned me crying yesterday explaining how she and bf had been wanting to get married in October, but obviously really want us there, but really do not want to wait till December. Besides, she argues that December is a hard time to get married.
{for context, we are a large close-knit family, having a big Christmas get together)
She does not want to miss Christmas with us and family, to be on her honeymoon if she gets married December. ( we have another family wedding 15th of December so she argues with another wedding and Christmas, when is she going to fit in her wedding? )
I get that, really, she wants to feel special not pushed in somewhere, she wants a nice long honeymoon, but not have to miss family events and get married sooner rather than later.

But we make things difficult. To add to that my mom has apparently said the's intentionally being difficult by not just having the wedding when we are there.

Realistically best choice would be to get married in January (after Christmas and everything) and I can help with arrangements etc or then October and we miss out.

I do not want to influence my sister either way as I think it is her choice, but don't want her to regret it down the line. ( the photos I have of my wedding with my sisters helping me get ready are special to me)

What would you do? Is it reasonable to expect November, December or Jan or should they just do October.
Thanks for reading this far!!

OP posts:
backinthebox · 20/06/2023 16:04

What? Hang on a minute here - your sister and family all live in one place and you have moved a long way away, and because you moved a long way away you would like the rest of your family to make their lifetime plans to accommodate a flight that you booked? My brother moved to another continent a long way away, and he has similarly batshit ideas about the importance of his ability to bestow his presence on us too. After nearly 3 decades of bending over to please him, the rest of us (who all live in the same country) have eventually let him go. If he wants to be part of the family he will have to make as much effort to get here as we have to go to whatever place he has chosen to live in over the years. And he doesn’t make the effort.

OhBling · 20/06/2023 16:38

Spectacularly missing the point... how did you get flights for the whole family for £2k!? We paid nearly £4k recently, and that was indirect. Direct to Cape Town was almost double! Grin

Op - I get it. I don't think you should get involved at this point in the date decision making. To fly to SA for Christmas means you have to book at least by Easter, so it's totally fine that you booked it. Don't tell your sister what she should do. Tell her that you will support whatever decision she makes and if your family can't make it because its October and you simply can't make that work, so be it and you'll do what you can to be part of things long distance (and if you CAN go out for a week or so, without Dh and DC, I think that would be nice - I did the trip twice for a long weekend to attend weddings when I was younger).

Original poster
ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 16:49

OhBling · 20/06/2023 16:38

Spectacularly missing the point... how did you get flights for the whole family for £2k!? We paid nearly £4k recently, and that was indirect. Direct to Cape Town was almost double! Grin

Op - I get it. I don't think you should get involved at this point in the date decision making. To fly to SA for Christmas means you have to book at least by Easter, so it's totally fine that you booked it. Don't tell your sister what she should do. Tell her that you will support whatever decision she makes and if your family can't make it because its October and you simply can't make that work, so be it and you'll do what you can to be part of things long distance (and if you CAN go out for a week or so, without Dh and DC, I think that would be nice - I did the trip twice for a long weekend to attend weddings when I was younger).

haha, it was hard! And stressfull, we kept trying to put off buying the tickets but it got more expensive each passing day! Flights are so expensive! We were lucky that we were very flexible with dates, so picked the cheapest dates we could find for end of year. Nov flights were much cheaper than December and for the return flight it only started getting cheaper from mid-january onwards. Also we only really need 3 x tickets, because my youngest is under 2 so only pays a reduced fare. But if you can't be flexible/book too late you are doomed.

Anyway, I am taking myself out of the decision making process. Initially I almost felt I should make a suggestion, because my opinion was asked, but its not my wedding. She must choose what she thinks best and if mum and her butt heads about it, what can I do?

It would be my first trip away from DC, might actually be a nice change. I think once the actual dates come through I'll make my decision then. Doubt hubby will think going on my own is a good suggestion though haha!

OP posts:
OhBling · 20/06/2023 16:59

Aaah, I forgot you went for the very long time as well - I know that makes a difference. We did the same at the end of my maternity leave with DC1.

For the wedding, short flights are actually cheaper I've found. So if you go for a week or so, it will be cheaper than if you go for 2 weeks. Also, when travelling alone, indirect flights are tedious but sometimes worth it - a friend did a mammoth one via Dubai once but she said it was worth it as the flight was half price.

MachineBee · 21/06/2023 18:52

I’m glad you are going step away from the date decision. I’ve had holidays in SA during October when the weather has been awful. Leave her to make the decision without your influence. That way if she goes for October and the weather is less than perfect or there are other problems such as difficulties getting wedding dress alterations done in time she can hardly blame you.

payens · 21/06/2023 18:57

This is all about you

Silvers11 · 21/06/2023 19:42

@ThroughGraceAlone I am so sorry a number of posters on here are giving you a hard time. You did the best you could before you bought the tickets and SOME posters aren't reading all your posts before posting themselves.

IMO you have not done anything wrong and find yourself in a very difficult position. I'm glad you are saying now that you are going to not get involved and as others have said, just wait it out until your sister and her BF have got an actual date. If your Mum is putting pressure on your sister, that's not your problem, and they will need to resolve it between themselves.

Also - I would be surprised if they can manage to arrange a venue in 4 months unless it will be a very small wedding?

I hope it all eventually gets sorted out amicably

DuchessofSuffolk · 21/06/2023 20:07

YABU

what is it with people who think they can dictate to the happy couple when/where/what they can and can’t do!

She doesn’t need to boo around you. The only thing she’ll regret is if she has the wedding everyone else wants

WarmButteryCrumpets · 21/06/2023 20:43

I think you just need to say "Look, we booked our non-refundable tickets for Christmas and we even made the trip extra long because we figured you'd be getting engaged and wanted to give you as much flexibility as we could with the dates we'd be there. If you can just hang on for a matter of weeks we could be at a November wedding. But if you need it to be October, we'll understand."

Leave it up to her to sort out!

MargotBamborough · 21/06/2023 20:44

DuchessofSuffolk · 21/06/2023 20:07

YABU

what is it with people who think they can dictate to the happy couple when/where/what they can and can’t do!

She doesn’t need to boo around you. The only thing she’ll regret is if she has the wedding everyone else wants

I mean...she phoned the OP in tears because she really wants her to be there but she also really wants to get married in October.

So she can't have the wedding she wants because she wants two incompatible things.

Hooooping · 21/06/2023 20:48

Wicksytricksy · 20/06/2023 07:31

Have you been making her whole life about you or just this wedding?

I think we can assume the answer to that.

Hooooping · 21/06/2023 20:58

Hooooping · 21/06/2023 20:48

I think we can assume the answer to that.

Show quote history

Really sorry OP, I hadn't read all your posts so I take that back 😳

Is she jealous of you? I wonder if at some level she wants all the attention and doesn't want you there?

londonrach · 21/06/2023 21:02

Strange you booked the flights before the engagement. Can you move them. If not your sister books wedding when she can and if you can attend great if not decline. Not an issue.

GoldfincTart · 21/06/2023 21:08

DuchessofSuffolk · 21/06/2023 20:07

YABU

what is it with people who think they can dictate to the happy couple when/where/what they can and can’t do!

She doesn’t need to boo around you. The only thing she’ll regret is if she has the wedding everyone else wants

The OP doesn't. Read all her posts, then come back and apologise to her. Others have been gracious enough to do so.

Jesseweneedtocook · 21/06/2023 21:42

This all sounds very dramatic and overly involved op.

If your sister invites you to her wedding, say you'll be delighted to go, then go and enjoy the day. Literally that's it. No need for all this drama and crying and family getting involved.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/06/2023 21:48

She's your sister. Just be direct.

I've thought about what you asked DSIS. I'll support any decision you make but yes, I think getting married in Oct isn't really practical if you want us all together. Bob and Steve will be mid exams, I can't afford to come out earlier when we're already over for Xmas, and I will be gutted to miss it. I'm your shoes I'd wait a month. You will be married for the rest of your lives, I'd hold out one month to all be together.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/06/2023 21:49

It's none of your business when your sister books her wedding's
Only on MN is someone's sisters wedding nothing to do with them, esp when they've been directly asked by the sister for their opinion.

ZiriForEver · 21/06/2023 22:09

londonrach · 21/06/2023 21:02

Strange you booked the flights before the engagement. Can you move them. If not your sister books wedding when she can and if you can attend great if not decline. Not an issue.

This was explained.
Family Christmas planning was under way and the flight ticket price can easily multiply, so waiting longer wasn't an option..

So they maxed the time around the clear point in calendar (Christmas) to cover the majority of the typical summer wedding season, and hoped for the best.

The issue is emotional manipulation between mum, sister and OP.

ZiriForEver · 21/06/2023 22:11

Jesseweneedtocook · 21/06/2023 21:42

This all sounds very dramatic and overly involved op.

If your sister invites you to her wedding, say you'll be delighted to go, then go and enjoy the day. Literally that's it. No need for all this drama and crying and family getting involved.

Nice advice. Maybe you've missed the part about the wedding taking place on other continent?

whynotwhatknot · 21/06/2023 22:54

she can either have u there or not -she cant stamp her feet till she gets her own way

you cant afford two trips and thats it

Notastayathomemum · 21/06/2023 23:10

I can’t believe how mean some of you are!!! Living in a different country to my family I totally understand, and if you and your sister are close your plans would have been openly communicated. OP would have planned this trip and went regardless if the engagement went ahead as there was another wedding previously booked, they are going for a LONG time. Do you know how expensive it is to change flights? I totally get it! My sister got engaged in march one year and and her and her BF wanted to get married in August the same year and got the shots when I said we simply cannot afford to take the family overseas in the next 6 months we don’t have the savings …. She was livid but the next week they broke up 😂 sorry shouldn’t laugh but give her some time to think about it and explain your predicament

MuckSavage · 21/06/2023 23:21

You all deserve each other

DuchessofSuffolk · 22/06/2023 02:12

Lol. No.

wombat1a · 22/06/2023 03:01

Living in a another country to both my and DHs family I can't really see what you have done wrong.

It's their wedding, it's their choice when to have it but if you are anything like us you can only come back once a year and that usually needs to be organised early to get the tickets we need to the places we need at the times we need and then book the time off work. We advertise these dates well in advance so if anyone wants to do something special they have lots of time to work it out. Also so if they want to do anything with us (special trip to a musuem, place etc etc) they can let us know and we add it to our calendar to prevent double-bookings with anyone else who wants to do something with us. If they have a special date in mind and its outside of our time back home then we miss out.

OP YANBU.

LadyBird1973 · 22/06/2023 08:14

OP, despite English not being your first language, I think you couldn't have been clearer. Your language skills are better than the comprehension skills of many people on this thread, who are native speakers.

Your sister can't have everything - she was repeatedly asked to clarify dates and couldn't. There came a point when you just had to book flights, due to cost. Sister has now decided she wants a wedding at a time you won't be there. This is on her. She wants two things which are incompatible. There's no point in her getting on the phone and crying to you about it - if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to understand that her faffing and lack of decision making has consequences for the guest list at her wedding! Mum is probably frustrated with her because she could have clarified dates earlier. Sister wants you to smooth things over with mum and make it all okay, but I think you would prefer to stay out of their interactions. None of this is on you in my opinion.

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