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Original poster

To think my sister should think carefully about her wedding date?

256 replies

ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 07:14

My sister (28f) just got engaged. (or rather, they are just waiting for the ring and will then make it public/announce it, but her bf has gone round to chat to my dad)
My sister and whole family live in a different continent. Myself, DH and 2 children live in the UK.

We (me, DH, kids) have flight tickets to go back home for Christmas. But we fly out end of November and are only returning in the middle of January. (+- 7 weeks) We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included.

My sister phoned me crying yesterday explaining how she and bf had been wanting to get married in October, but obviously really want us there, but really do not want to wait till December. Besides, she argues that December is a hard time to get married.
{for context, we are a large close-knit family, having a big Christmas get together)
She does not want to miss Christmas with us and family, to be on her honeymoon if she gets married December. ( we have another family wedding 15th of December so she argues with another wedding and Christmas, when is she going to fit in her wedding? )
I get that, really, she wants to feel special not pushed in somewhere, she wants a nice long honeymoon, but not have to miss family events and get married sooner rather than later.

But we make things difficult. To add to that my mom has apparently said the's intentionally being difficult by not just having the wedding when we are there.

Realistically best choice would be to get married in January (after Christmas and everything) and I can help with arrangements etc or then October and we miss out.

I do not want to influence my sister either way as I think it is her choice, but don't want her to regret it down the line. ( the photos I have of my wedding with my sisters helping me get ready are special to me)

What would you do? Is it reasonable to expect November, December or Jan or should they just do October.
Thanks for reading this far!!

OP posts:
Mirabai · 20/06/2023 08:17

It’s her choice whether she holds it when you’re there or not.

It depends what makes her dream wedding - the date she wants, or her sister’s presence.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/06/2023 08:18

LadyBird1973 · 20/06/2023 07:55

I don't get why there's so much criticism of the OP. The sister doesn't want to miss out on a family Christmas any more than the OP does. And this is part of her reasoning in wanting an October wedding, just as it's part of OPs plans to fly out end of November.

Very few people would get engaged in June and married in October of the same year. OP shouldn't be blamed for not taking that into account before booking her flights. Presumably the time OP has booked has been planned around her own life events too - time off work etc.

OP is from the continent where her sister lives - I'd guess that she knows what the weather will be like in January.

Yes, the sister has a right to marry when she pleases, but with this level of notice, she's a bit unreasonable to get upset if family who live on another continent can't make it.

That said, in OPs shoes, I'd try to either fly out by myself for the wedding or if possible change flights for whole family to go earlier and return earlier. But this only works if your/dh's jobs allow and airline are flexible.

Totally agree.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/06/2023 08:19

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/06/2023 08:18

Totally agree.

Show quote history

Presumably the criticism is more that the OP booked the dates she did, before her sister is even engaged, planning for the fact that she would have her wedding then, even though she wasn't even engaged or had set a date!

It's a bit batshit.

sonjadog · 20/06/2023 08:19

Just let your sister decide when she wants her own wedding. Presumably she is a sensible adult and is aware that if she gets married in October you won't be there. You had the wedding you wanted, let her have the wedding she wants. She may well not regret having the things that you wanted because she is not you.

MariaVT65 · 20/06/2023 08:20

Just let her do what she chooses to do.

I held my wedding in a location specifically so a relative could attend. My friend held her wedding abroad and was ok with knowing her grandparents weren’t comfortable to fly. People are different and have different priorities for their wedding. Leave the stressing out to her :)

Brefugee · 20/06/2023 08:20

but even if the weather is good - who wants to get married right after bloody Christmas? Sure the weather may be lovely but... meh. nope from me

Also the other wedding in December, if it is a relatively close relative and guests might want to go to both they may not want a december wedding followed by Christmas and New Year and then another wedding in January. I know if someone threw that at me right now i'd be "nope".

darkmodeon · 20/06/2023 08:21

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/06/2023 08:19

Presumably the criticism is more that the OP booked the dates she did, before her sister is even engaged, planning for the fact that she would have her wedding then, even though she wasn't even engaged or had set a date!

It's a bit batshit.

Show quote history

This- it's ridiculous what were you thinking.

Sapphire387 · 20/06/2023 08:21

SpringIntoChaos · 20/06/2023 07:47

It's already the end of June...and she's just got engaged (still no ring)...and yet she's set her date already for October?? This year October?? 4 months away?

I can't even believe this is for real to be honest...she'll be lucky to book a venue and suppliers! But if it is, then let her crack on 🤷‍♀️

Perfectly possible. We decided in November, got married the following March. It was wonderful. Not everybody even wants a massive wedding.

OP - you are being very unreasonable. You cannot book a trip in anticipation of a wedding when the date has not yet been set, then try to insist the couple picks a date within your window. Listen to yourself, honestly.

darkmodeon · 20/06/2023 08:23

Do you always try to make these things all about you?

Aprilx · 20/06/2023 08:24

Notonthestairs · 20/06/2023 07:57

I read your Op as though you your booked your Christmas flights long before your sister got engaged.

In which case she has a choice to make. She can book when she knows you are definitely able to be there OR she can choose an alternative date but not pressure you if you can't attend.

The decision is hers.

OP had a feeling a wedding was coming up, so she could have asked. Instead she booked her trip anyway and then expected her sister to book her wedding to coincide!

Youonlygetonelife19 · 20/06/2023 08:26

Going against the grain here. My husband’s large family all live in another country. The ones who really want us at weddings always ask us when we can come before booking their weddings.
Others we’re less close to book and invite us and we may or may not attend.
I can’t believe your sister wouldn’t just plan for when you’re there.

Cucucucu · 20/06/2023 08:27

Change your flights ? If you are going for over 2 months it means you have leeway at work holidays or leave already etc

Riverlee · 20/06/2023 08:28

If you knew an engagement was imminent, surely you would wait until the date was announced before booking the tickets. I get that it’s nice to spend time with family at Christmas, but a family wedding trumps this.

Is this a reverse and you’re the bride moaning about your sister?

Aprilx · 20/06/2023 08:30

Youonlygetonelife19 · 20/06/2023 08:26

Going against the grain here. My husband’s large family all live in another country. The ones who really want us at weddings always ask us when we can come before booking their weddings.
Others we’re less close to book and invite us and we may or may not attend.
I can’t believe your sister wouldn’t just plan for when you’re there.

Well that is a lot better than what OP has done, so not really going against the grain. OP has decided when she would like to visit and then expects her sister to book her wedding to coincide.

HikerMum · 20/06/2023 08:30

Are you in Australia and coming home over the summer holidays? Can understand why you have booked flights then if that’s the case. It’s so expensive to come back again for a family of 4 and also such a long way it’s hard to justify the cost for a week if your sister goes for October.

Tough one. I lived on the other side of the world from my family when my kids were little and the distance is hard.

I think In your shoes I would leave your sis to make her own choice. Likely she will want you there over her preference of date.

PoachedEd · 20/06/2023 08:30

Think this is one of those "light the blue touch paper and retire" threads 😂 but on the off chance it's genuine- op, move your flights or accept you can't go. It's your sister's wedding, not yours.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 20/06/2023 08:31

We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included.

So you want her to change her wedding date for you

Why did you book before they told you when....?

if it's your sister, then fly out alone for it, and then come back for the holiday

you're bullying her and it's not acceptable

Pollywoddles · 20/06/2023 08:31

I’m of the firm opinion that her wedding is her wedding and she can do whatever she likes. January is a shitty time to get married for both guests and couple and I also dislike December weddings.

Don’t create any drama, if you’re there great, if not, no big deal. Stay out of it.

InSpainTheRain · 20/06/2023 08:34

Your sister and her husband should be able to choose their own wedding date! What about his family and their arrangements. It seems strange to book an extra long Xmas trip of 7 weeks thinking "oh she'll probably get married then" - just because you are back?

She and her future DH choose their date, if you can change your flights, great. If not you see them at Xmas.

SheerLucks · 20/06/2023 08:34

We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included.

Are you saying OP that, as you go home for Christmas each year, you were assuming your sister would get married during your visit, so went ahead and booked flights?

BookLover7777 · 20/06/2023 08:34

It doesn't sound like school holidays are a factor if you're flying out end of November anyway, so why can't you move your flights back to October? Yes, you'd miss the big family Christmas, but you'll still be able to see all those relatives at the wedding. Not sure why it would be issue.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 20/06/2023 08:35

@ThroughGraceAlone

oh my goodness - you sound incredibly self important 😳. “She should think carefully about her wedding date” - who do you think you are? And stop dragging your mum into this to help pressure your sister into doing what you wants.

You sound a nightmare; completely self absorbed.

your sisterly wedding photos are important
to you? Guess what? It’s not your wedding! Maybe October date is important to her, or them as a couple.

Why did you book tickets and then expect someone to arrange what is probably the most important day of their lives so far around you? Literally mind blowing.

I hope she gets the day she wants.

Mamanch · 20/06/2023 08:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable to hope that she chooses a date when you can attend. Surely lots of people take things like that into consideration when choosing their wedding date? I know I did. I think the phrasing of the question is a bit bizarre.

Mirabai · 20/06/2023 08:37

Pollywoddles · 20/06/2023 08:31

I’m of the firm opinion that her wedding is her wedding and she can do whatever she likes. January is a shitty time to get married for both guests and couple and I also dislike December weddings.

Don’t create any drama, if you’re there great, if not, no big deal. Stay out of it.

Entirely depends whether DS would actually like not to have her sister at her wedding.

I’m a bit baffled by the posters who are assuming a British climate. If it’s in Aus for example, which would explain having to book flights so far in advance, Dec-Feb is the high summer.

snitzelvoncrumb · 20/06/2023 08:37

She knows when you will be in the country, if she wants you at the wedding she will set a date you can attend. I had a similar thing happen when a very close friend got married. She chose a date based on another friend being in the country at the time. I couldn’t attend on the date she picked so I didn’t go.