Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

[feghs111]

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off).

This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that.

Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted.

Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice.

Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.

I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week.

I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama!

Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

As an 18 year old surely he just comes and goes in either house as he pleases?

Why do you even need set weeks?

Why does it matter, at 18, where he stays any of the time? Surely he can be pretty self sufficient given he's an adult in full time employment and can therefore sort out meals if there's no parent around to provide one??

Surely at 18 he doesn't need looking after and able to chose which house he stays in as he's an adult?

I'm afraid you were in the wrong. He lives 50/50 meaning your home is his home. He should be able to come and go as he pleases.

Your DP should have asked her as soon as he knew arrangements were going to change due to his trip, and not left it to his son.

I’m surprised that at 18 with a job your stepson is still going between houses to be honest but I realise that isn’t the point of this post. Your stepson should have taken responsibility for what was happening and I can’t see your DH has done anything wrong. However I also think that at 18 he should be independent with meals etc so you shouldn’t have to feel you need to look after him when he’s there but can understand looking forward to having the house to yourself

I too don’t understand the need for set weeks at 18. Just let him be where he needs but he does his own meals, he doesn’t need you waiting on him.

At 18 he doesn't need looking after and surprised he's still switching where he lives every week.
Neither wrong but having him around is hardly a responsibility he's an adult.

You were in the wrong to not have him there - it’s his home 50% of the time. He’s an adult male. You don’t need to look after him.

The 18 yr old is an adult. Why do you have 50/50? Surely he just comes and goes as he pleases ?

Another thread about access arrangements for adults …….

I think it’s odd at his age to have fixed swap between homes and def fine for you to ask him to stay at his mums.
She will have known his dad is away and probably glad to have a chance to have a go.

YANBU. Your DH is keeping his end of the deal and has offered to take them on holiday, the 18 yo declines and so has to stay with his Mum. I have a 19 and 18 year old and they barely see their Dad these days, I find it bizarre that these contact arrangements are still in place. Lovely that the 18 yo still wants to see his Dad but it should be more relaxed by now surely

He’s 18, not 8. He’s an adult. It does surprise me at 18 he’s still doing set weeks with each parent. Especially as he works full time, and probably comes and goes as he pleases and doesn’t need to be supervised or to be cooked for each night.

YANBU in wanting the house to yourself!

DH was BU not to contact his EX to tell her HE was out of the country and the child's other PARENT, was it ok for DS to stay at hers that week.

DSS is 18, but clearly can't be trusted to do as he says he has. I think it's odd he's still doing 50:50. He's old enough now to live in one place (yours, mums, independently & see his parent/other parent by agreement). How long are you going to keep up this ridiculous arrangement with both lads??

@Behindthelines a lot of things relating to step families are seriously odd. The obsession with fixed rotas and visiting arrangements is only one of them. If my step son hadn’t gone to uni, I think we’d still have a visiting rota, and he’s nearly 30

This is insane

He is an adult but as the situation stands it's very childish way to deal with things surely he should come and go as he pleases

HOWEVER

As it is said time and time again YOU ARE NOT THE Parent he hastwo parents they need to sort it out between themselves as apparently the 18 year old with a job and goes on holiday alone can't manage his living situations.

Obviously in true mumsnet form the dad should have arranged child care for an 18 year old full time worker 😂

You are not responsible and no a grown adult doesn't need to be in your home when he's dad is away WORKING

the ex seems bitter and is being petty. Just ignore her

this makes no sense. my 18 year old is a uni and I never arrange where she is staying. She comes and goes when she pleases.

To be fair, she wouldn’t stay at mine if I wasn’t there but dp was. But I wouldn’t feel the need to ask her dad. But I know she would be welcome as it her home and it’s not like it puts Dp out. He could be super busy but her being there wouldn’t impact him.

It would be really weird if my Dp asked if she could be ‘looked after’ by her Dad.

It seems these young adults are being really babied.

I too agree that he shouldn't need looking after at 18, but also that it makes more sense for him to stay with his mum if his dad isn't home. I don't think you have done anything wrong- he has really be pretending he'd cleared it with her. But I don't see why she would have an issue with him being there at that age.

At 18?! A full time working 18 year old?! Good grief.

At 18 surely the DC is able to arrange that sort of thing themselves and not need to come and stay with their stepmom and no one else for the week?

I can see mums point of it being last minute for her and annoying - but your DH shouldn't be responsible for communicating decisions made by your SD who is 18, surely she can communicate with her own mother?

@ProfessorXtra but what if your DP wanted the house to himself, should he have to have her there when she could stay at her Dads?

You haven’t done anything wrong. Neither has your partner. Why didn’t SS speak to his mum and lie, twice, that he had? Bizarre.