Page 6 | Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

feghs111 · 2023-06-19T11:31:33+00:00

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off). This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that. Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted. Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice. Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week. I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week. I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama! Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

PixieLaLa · 19/06/2023 14:07

Wondering how long the 18 year old man working full time will be ‘handed over’ each week to Mummy or Daddy and have his meals cooked for him….Utterly ridiculous 😂

At least this situation highlights changes need to be made!

Blanketpolicy · 19/06/2023 14:08

quietnightmare · 19/06/2023 13:50

*stepmums responsibility

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The bottom line is the two parents are equally incompetent.

Still can't have it both ways.

Agree it is not the step parents responsibility to "look after" the young adult, but the young adult should be able to stay in his home with no-one* "responsible" for looking after him even if his dad is not there. If you choose to become a step parent and, choose to have their adult son living with you, you can't chuck them out of their own home* just because their dad isn't around.

If he actually needs "looking after" then it is dads week/responsibility to sort out "care".

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 14:08

Sarahtm35 · 19/06/2023 14:06

I don’t get what the issue is? My daughter is 17 and if we were in this situation she’d just stay wherever she wanted and just cook for herself. What care needs does he have at 18??

I mean he's still being "handed over" on a weekly basis so he doesn't sound like a very mature 18 year old to me!

There are absolutely 18 year olds out there who still struggle to remotely fend for themselves i.e. cook and clean, probably because (like possibly in this case) they've never had to.

BeeStrudel · 19/06/2023 14:09

Sounds like very few of you were brought up by step parents. What children need when their parents are not together is homes (plural) and a home is a place that you don't need to ask to come to, eat from the fridge, come and go from as you please, sleep in your own bed etc. You married a parent and into an existing family so you need to be cognisant that children do not suddenly not have a home when they are 18 or any age and they need the safety of not having to ask step parents (who honestly don't love them unconditionally) for anything...

Curtains70 · 19/06/2023 14:11

Very weird set up for an 18 year old tbh.

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 14:11

Blanketpolicy · 19/06/2023 14:08

The bottom line is the two parents are equally incompetent.

Still can't have it both ways.

Agree it is not the step parents responsibility to "look after" the young adult, but the young adult should be able to stay in his home with no-one* "responsible" for looking after him even if his dad is not there. If you choose to become a step parent and, choose to have their adult son living with you, you can't chuck them out of their own home* just because their dad isn't around.

If he actually needs "looking after" then it is dads week/responsibility to sort out "care".

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I think it depends on the reasons.

My house is equally my home as it is DHs. I pay for it, I maintain it, it is my name on the deeds alongside his.

If he isn't here and I decide I want to take that opportunity to use my house to host some girlfriends for a night or whatever (for example) then I absolutely expect to be able to say 'no SC can't stay tonight'. I don't expect to be told they can be there whether I like it or not when their parent isn't. I agree if it's DHs time then that means him sorting out some form of care (which may be them staying with their mum for extra). But providing it's not all the time I do expect to be able to have a say over who and when is in my home especially when DH isn't even there.

SpainToday · 19/06/2023 14:11

Agree it is not the step parents responsibility to "look after" the young adult, but the young adult should be able to stay in his home with no-one "responsible" for looking after him even if his dad is not there. If you choose to become a step parent and, choose to have their adult son living with you, you can't chuck them out oftheir own homejust because their dad isn't around.

I can't think of any other setting, other than a step 'child' situation, when you'd go and stay in relative's house, when they are not there, and impose yourself on that relative's partner. No one is chucking anyone of their own home, it just makes more sense for him to stay with his mum on the week in question

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 14:11

BeeStrudel · 19/06/2023 14:09

Sounds like very few of you were brought up by step parents. What children need when their parents are not together is homes (plural) and a home is a place that you don't need to ask to come to, eat from the fridge, come and go from as you please, sleep in your own bed etc. You married a parent and into an existing family so you need to be cognisant that children do not suddenly not have a home when they are 18 or any age and they need the safety of not having to ask step parents (who honestly don't love them unconditionally) for anything...

I am a stepchild.

Yousee · 19/06/2023 14:12

Blanketpolicy · 19/06/2023 14:08

The bottom line is the two parents are equally incompetent.

Still can't have it both ways.

Agree it is not the step parents responsibility to "look after" the young adult, but the young adult should be able to stay in his home with no-one* "responsible" for looking after him even if his dad is not there. If you choose to become a step parent and, choose to have their adult son living with you, you can't chuck them out of their own home* just because their dad isn't around.

If he actually needs "looking after" then it is dads week/responsibility to sort out "care".

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Technically it's his mother who is "chucking him out of his own home". He will be there with her and she will be chucking him out to his dad's for "contact" as per the schedule, even though his dad isn't there.

Cherry2010 · 19/06/2023 14:13

I think it’s odd that his Mum is so arsed about this. He’s 18, and can be where he wants with minimal input. I get you are the Stepmum, but - really - so long as you’re decent to the kids when required, at 18 I don’t think he really needs you. He should stay with his Mum, and she should want him around.

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 14:14

And dad isn't chucking him out either, he's offered to take him where he is going. It is the son that has said no to that, which means he needs to now stay with his mum then. He's not being refused time with his dad, he could go with him.

SpainToday · 19/06/2023 14:14

My house is equally my home as it is DHs. I pay for it, I maintain it, it is my name on the deeds alongside his.

If he isn't here and I decide I want to take that opportunity to usemyhouse to host some girlfriends for a night or whatever (for example) then I absolutely expect to be able to say 'no SC can't stay tonight'. I don't expect to be told they can be there whether I like it or not when their parent isn't.

This. @IThinkItsCalledAButt my situation is the same as yours, and my adult stepson's wishes would NOT eclipse mine in the scenario you describe!

Nanny0gg · 19/06/2023 14:14

GoodChat · 19/06/2023 13:04

@Nanny0gg why should OP want an 18 year old man in her home for a week who can't take basic care of himself?

Because it's his home too. It's not just his home when his father's there.

And maybe if he had to fend for himself he would? The OP doesn't have to feed him.

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 14:14

who honestly don't love them unconditionally

And this is not surprising in the least. At least it shouldn't be.

Nanny0gg · 19/06/2023 14:15

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 14:08

I mean he's still being "handed over" on a weekly basis so he doesn't sound like a very mature 18 year old to me!

There are absolutely 18 year olds out there who still struggle to remotely fend for themselves i.e. cook and clean, probably because (like possibly in this case) they've never had to.

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We don't know that it's his choice/decision do we?

quietnightmare · 19/06/2023 14:16

@Blanketpolicy

Bit harsh on the two parents there . Neither are incompetent they have shared contact equally.

He offered a holiday, he's offered money to his son while he's away and asked him adult son to remind his mum that he will be staying with her as he's away working and taken the 16 year old. The mother is being petty but she's not incompetent fgs

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 14:17

Nanny0gg · 19/06/2023 14:15

We don't know that it's his choice/decision do we?

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OP, who actually knows him, seems to think it would require effort on her part to have him there i.e. feeling pressure to cook for him etc... So that tells me at 18 he is still having these things done for him on a regular basis. And that's fine. But it's not OPs responsibility to do it if she doesn't want to.

If it's such hard work for his mum to have him for an extra week maybe she should have taught him some more independence so it wasn't such a big deal. Otherwise why would she care so much?

HideousKinky · 19/06/2023 14:18

Let him stay with you if he wants but explain you're busy at work and won't be doing any cooking so he'll have to look after himself

Blanketpolicy · 19/06/2023 14:18

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 14:11

I think it depends on the reasons.

My house is equally my home as it is DHs. I pay for it, I maintain it, it is my name on the deeds alongside his.

If he isn't here and I decide I want to take that opportunity to use my house to host some girlfriends for a night or whatever (for example) then I absolutely expect to be able to say 'no SC can't stay tonight'. I don't expect to be told they can be there whether I like it or not when their parent isn't. I agree if it's DHs time then that means him sorting out some form of care (which may be them staying with their mum for extra). But providing it's not all the time I do expect to be able to have a say over who and when is in my home especially when DH isn't even there.

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So it isn't your SC's home then. I assume their mums house is their home and your/their dads home is just somewhere they are allowed to visit perhaps EoW.

Not the same as the OP where they share 50/50 custody and it is the sons home.

Blossomtoes · 19/06/2023 14:19

BeeStrudel · 19/06/2023 14:09

Sounds like very few of you were brought up by step parents. What children need when their parents are not together is homes (plural) and a home is a place that you don't need to ask to come to, eat from the fridge, come and go from as you please, sleep in your own bed etc. You married a parent and into an existing family so you need to be cognisant that children do not suddenly not have a home when they are 18 or any age and they need the safety of not having to ask step parents (who honestly don't love them unconditionally) for anything...

This.

horseyhorsey17 · 19/06/2023 14:21

Urgh, flashback to my own teenage years when both my steparents saw their houses as 'their' homes and not mine, despite my actual parents living with them respectively, and thus never feeling like I had a proper home. And I was kicked out for good as soon as I left for university. At least back then I could just about afford rent with a part-time job and student loans, it's much harder for 18 year olds now.

flimsywhimsy · 19/06/2023 14:21

Good grief! He's 18. He doesn't need his affairs micromanaged to this point, and yes, he should have just asked rather than lying about it. It must feel pretty awful knowing that his own mother doesn't want him around, but at his age, maybe it's time to find a place of his own. He doesn't need to be moving back and forth between houses. He's an adult!

Original poster

feghs111 · 19/06/2023 14:21

Thanks again everyone for all the messages, appreciate them!

For those asking if the ex might have had a date, she's married but her husband works away for months at a time. He's currently away so she's home alone and you would think she might like the company!

Taking on board everyone's comments things need to change, but I am curious with how you sort out general life with kids (or in this case an adult) coming and going as they please. If they live with you full time then I understand as you will know that generally your children will always be home, but I would find it quite diconcerting never knowing who was going to be at home and who wasn't from one day to the next.

If they are going back and forth with no general plan then how do you know how much food to get in, for example? My OH does a big food shop the weeks we have them and then less when we don't, but if they could just turn up whenever how would that work? I doubt all children stock the home with their own food from the supermarket, even if they do cook for themselves.

Genuinely asking for advice!

OP posts:

Hayliebells · 19/06/2023 14:22

100% he should have just stayed at your house. It's no different to an 18 year old staying at home alone if their parents go on holiday, and they don't want to go. During the week's he's at his dad's, that's his home. It's a bit unnecessary to have the EOW arrangement when they're 18, but regardless, during that week, your house is his home. He should be cooking his own meals etc though, if his parents usually cook for him, and he's the parent, not you. At 18 he should be more than capable, and if he's not, he needs to learn!

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 14:22

Blanketpolicy · 19/06/2023 14:18

So it isn't your SC's home then. I assume their mums house is their home and your/their dads home is just somewhere they are allowed to visit perhaps EoW.

Not the same as the OP where they share 50/50 custody and it is the sons home.

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No, they are here a lot more than EOW.

But if their dad isn't here then I do not suddenly assume responsibility for them. It's for their parents to sort, I will offer if I want to but I will also say no thank you if I don't.

Because it's not just their home and their dads. It's also mine and I am not their parent.

As I say though my SC are at an age where they do still require care. It is a bit more understandable if the step child is an adult who requires you to do nothing (although it doesn't seem to me that is the case here given the pressure OP feels she'd be under) and it is perfectly okay to want time to yourself when your spouse isn't around.