Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

[feghs111]

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off).

This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that.

Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted.

Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice.

Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.

I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week.

I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama!

Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

His 18 year old adult son?

Should he also check if he needs to use the toilet before a car journey?

I don't think you did anything wrong here, but I can see why ex felt cross that no one had asked her. How silly of DSS not to just ask his mum!

These fixed arrangements for adults are not healthy - it took DH and DSS quite some time to find their feet and have a normal father/son relationship (post-18j because any contact had previously been ‘because the rota said so’ and not because they wanted to catch up with each other etc.

An 18 year old shouldn’t have been asked to stay at his mums for the week. He’s not a child and his dad home is as much his as it is yours.

If your ss didn’t want to go on holiday he should be staying in the home he usually stays in that week unless he chooses differently.

@BlinkeredBay well given the entire situation is mad, within this context of course he should have, because his Wife wants the house to herself, not be hosting her stepson when he can stay with his own mother.

Exactly

Things is though the ex obviously knew weeks before because where the hell does she think her 16 year old is 😂 she knew the 16 year old was going on holiday with the dad and yet still thought OP WOULD LOOK after the 18 year old grown adult . The ex is cheeky so and so and is just looking for an argument because she's jealous she's not going on a holiday

Do late teens really need childcare nowadays?? I moved out and to a different country at 16, I can't think of a single friend in my age group (30s) who wasn't pretty much independent by late teens! This adult has a job!

I do think he should stay with his mum while your DP is away, but surely a working adult doesn't need much (if any) looking after!

Yanbu, at 18 he’s more than capable of sorting himself and taking the consequences/earache if he hasn’t. Why is your dp taking a lecture from his ex about responsibilities to an 18yr old? Also if he’s working full time why would do need to send him money? Unless there’s sen here I’m finding the whole contact situation odd also

Agree with PPs that he is 18 and shouldn’t need meals cooking for him or looking after.

He is the person I feel sorry for in this scenario. Neither of his parents want him for the week.

This.

It’s obvious he’s not going to come and stay and see dad if dad is abroad.
I’d want dh to speak to sons about contact.
It’s ridiculous he’s needing to speak to an adult’s mummy and treat his sons like they are little children.
Is it money related eg he costs a fortune in food and showers etc and isn’t tipping up board so his mum only wants him 50%

He's an adult working man why does he need looking after? Why can't he cook himself? Why are both not taking a turn in cooking for the family? Why are you playing the subservient woman who cooks for the male after his hard day at work?

Yes, as a few people have correctly pointed out, the whole situation is mad, but not entirely unusual. I refer you to the Step Parenting threads, where you’ll read many similar accounts.

It’s both of their homes. I often fancy having my house to myself. Wouldn’t ever ask dp to leave for a week. I own the property and still wouldn’t ask him. It’s his home.

If Dp wanted to be able to have the house to himself he wouldn’t have moved in with someone with 2 teenagers.

He would be really baffled at the suggestion that the kids can’t come to their own home, because I am not there.

I don’t think you’ve done anything for the EX to be annoyed about but

but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc

I find this very weird. An 18 year old doesn’t need looking after! If you have no time to cook then they can cook for them selves! The 18 year old should
be able to decide for themselves what they do during that week. Weird that the mother is getting involved! But also weird for you to ask them to stay away from their own home, when they could easily still be at yours that week, and look after them selves.

Why is an 18 year old even doing one week at each parents house? Surely now he can just live in one place rather than stick to visitation rights? He can come and go as he pleases. I've never heard of adult children doing this. Has he turned 18 very recently?

That's what i thought unless he has special needs?

Isn't it sad that the son isn't treated as family but needs hosting

You're all unreasonable for expecting an 18yo who is a legal adult to fit their life around what their divorced parents are doing. The 18yo does not need any "parenting" they just need somewhere to sleep. If where they are staying isn't providing meals an 18yo should be capable of feeding themselves and clearing up afterwards. 18yo should be fine to either stay at mum's or dad's house aware that in either case there's another adult living there who is just wanting to get on with life (whether that's their mum or step mum) and be considerate of that.

Is it that mum has a hot date planned for her "child free" weekend? If that was the case I would suggest it's fair enough to let 18yo stay at yours, on the understanding that they are fending for themselves as you have your own plans. It's not like you have to babysit, and providing a place to stay for ones 18yo children is a normal part of being a dad that your DP needs to cope with and therefore you need to be on board with if you're going to live with him.

Oh sorry I thought when you had 50:50 custody that both the parents had homes for their children, didn’t realise that his wife trumped his children and the home was more hers?

imagine a SD living with his SC insisting that they went elsewhere if their mother wasn’t there.

Very strange given he’s 18. At 16 & 18 they are a bit old to be on a fixed routine. Mine are 15 & 18 (at Uni) and decide on the day where they are staying. Works as we are both chilled about it and live 1 mile apart. The 18yr old needs to start cooking for himself as clearly mum was looking forward to a bit of peace, but it shouldn’t matter really given he’s 18 as he should be capable of doing his own thing

Maybe 18 year old didn't tell his mum his plans because he's sick to death of being treated like a baby as an adult man.
Surely he's hardly home anyway being full time at work and presumably having stuff to do outside of work. Why would you need to cook his dinner and wash his clothes? Surely he can just come and go as necessary and look after himself. My 17 year old makes all her own meals as she eats around a different schedule. She also makes her own college arrangements. To be honest it's like she's hardly here most of the time, she's not screaming like a baby or needing entertainment like a toddler.
It was his choice to not go on holiday. Absolutely fine. Now he needs to resolve the issue of where he stays-himself. He doesn't need mummy and daddy to argue it out. Absolutely bizarre.

You're all in the wrong, he's 18 , a working adult, he can look after himself.