Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

[feghs111]

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off).

This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that.

Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted.

Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice.

Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.

I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week.

I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama!

Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

The only person behaving like a dick in this sounds like SS’s actual Mum. I can’t even imagine kicking off like that because her own son wants to stay there for the extra week. OP you have done nothing wrong here just forget about her.

Or: for years, the now 18yo has welcomed OP into his home and ffs why should he have to leave his home now just because OP is there too
Just to Refresh. This is the point I'm arguing. He's not leaving his dad's home because OP is there. There is no point trying to manufacture a "woe is me poor DSC" angle here. He's not at Dads home. He's at Mums home. She would rather he wasn't.
Some posters think mum has the right to not want him around but OP doesn't have the right to not want him around. If mum was happy to have him and didn't have a problem then why would she be creating all this drama with her ex? She obviously would rather he left but, as OP has identified, knows it would make her look like a massive arsehole.
And it also makes her look like a massive arsehole for kicking off at an adult for something another adult has failed to do, to be honest.

Some posters think mum has the right to not want him around but OP doesn't have the right to not want him around

Exactly this!

This is the point I'm arguing. He's not leaving his dad's home because OP is there.
Oh, I see what you meant about that part now.

Some posters think mum has the right to not want him around but OP doesn't have the right to not want him around.
I don't think that. Obviously the 18yo should be able to stay at his mum's home and his dad's home. Both places are his home, too. It's not about OP's "rights". She chose a partner who has children. My dp has a daughter. If I never wanted someone else's child staying in the same place as me I'd have to find someone without a child.

Just as easy to say the mother chose to have children 🤷‍♀️

Just as easy to say the mother chose to have children
Yes, she did. Everyone here chose to have or be with children. Who/what are you arguing with?

She chose a partner who has children. My dp has a daughter. If I never wanted someone else's child staying in the same place as me I'd have to find someone without a child.

It's not about never wanting them in your space, that's different to saying you don't really want them there when their dad isn't there to look after them. If they are the sort that needs looking after.

And yes, as Yousee said, you could easily say his mum should not have had a child if she ever didn't want her child in her space.

I'm arguing that "OP chose a man with children" isn't some clever argument as to why she must always be the one to suck it up like so many posters seem to think it is.

50/50 custody of ab adult in full time employed??? Am i missing something here.....

That's exactly what I was thinking. Anyone thought to ask what they want? They must love going back and forth all the damn time.

Your DP is not in the wrong at all. An 18 year old can make their own choices. Yes in theory he could remain at yours but I also totally understand you wanting your own space.

I'm cringing a little for the 18 year old being told that he wasn't wanted at the OP's home if his father was away. If that's where he normally lives every second week, it's highlighted how the OP feels about him.

@Whammyyammy head over to the Step Parenting board, and you'll find this is all too common. Visiting rotas often become ingrained in life, and adherence to the schedule takes precedence over everything. We still did EOW right up until DSS started Uni, on our weekends we still had to have him fed, bathed and returned home by 6pm on Sunday. Why? The ex insisted on it (malicious agenda I suspect ....) DSS had been very infantilised by the arrangements, and just accepted it was normal. And DH was too lily-livered to rock the boat.

It also highlights how his mother feels about him because she doesn't want to spend the week with him either (but that seems to be ok ......)

Perhaps it will enlighten him somewhat to the fact that having to cook and clean for an 18 year old is in fact a pain in the arse rather than a privilege.

Why are you cooking for another adult ? Most 50/50 arrangements I know have stopped around 14/15. The kids haven't wanted to do it.
Why is he still doing 50/50 for an 18 year old ?

@Behindthelines DSS is now in his late 20s and I get on really well with him. But the whole visiting rota was just a circus. Neither DSS nor DH admitted the 6pm arrangements were ridiculous, when I challenged DH his defence was "why can't DSS have a bath here, what's wrong with that" but we all knew it was weird.

DSS never objected to any of this, he thought it was quite normal. And to him, I suppose it was.

Why is an adult who works full time being made to move every week and follow a custody agreement like a small child? Time to loosen up.

Clue's in the 'not living together' - very sensible to maintain separate households and not be a step-parent but just dad's long time girlfriend. Especially as the default position for step-parents is generally assumed they're in the wrong about everything. @80s says she's fine not living together and not getting involved - that sounds ideal to me. Doesn't work for everyone as obviously there are many step- and blended- families, but would work for me as it does for 80s.