Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

[feghs111]

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off).

This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that.

Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted.

Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice.

Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.

I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week.

I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama!

Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

You are all being unreasonable. He's a young adult. He doesn't need anyone to look after him. He should have been given the option of which of his homes he wanted to stay at. And then when he chose he should have been given space to look after himself. Imagine knowing that your very fucking presence has caused such a rammy between the supposed grown ups. What a shame.

He's 18!

Why does the 18 yr old looking after? He can sort his own meals? Why not?

How'd you come to that conclusion?? His Dad invited him to go with him, how is that not wanting him?

his SM wanted her house to herself for once, His own mother is the daft cow complaining it's 'late notice' when it's not, where does she think their 16 yo is going and with who??

this is ALL being caused by a working 18 yo who didn't just say 'oh mum, obviously I'll be here the week DB is away with Dad'

Thanks everyone. Yes I appreciate it's not a great situation re the custody but it's the one that the parents have. SS only recently turned 18 so I'm not sure if things will change, but we will see. He doesn't need looking after no, but in general myself and OH both cook for the kids when they are here and it's just come to be expected. He could obviosuly cook himself a ready meal or whatver but I can't see him cooking a full meal when he gets home.

Appreciate the people saying he should have just come anyway and fair enough. If his mum had said he couldn't stay at ours then I would have had him here of course - I just thought if she was happy to have him then why not?

As for the poster who said neither of his parents want him, I refer you to my point that my OH invited him to go away with him and really wanted him to go, but SS turned the trip down because of work. Not sure how that's my OH not wanting him but cool.

Also no I don't have children of my own.

I genuinely can't believe an 18 year old still has contact arrangements between parents.
I bet he feels like a right plonker in work explaining that he's at dad's this week because it's his visitation time🙄

The GROWN ADULT has two homes and shouldn't be shut out of either of them.

Although as he doesn't need looking after he can fend for himself whichever house he's in

I have to say this was my first thought (hot date ruined by her adult son mooching around the place) 😆

It sounds like it's time for everybody to grow up

It does look like neither his mother or you want him though

@Nanny0gg why should OP want an 18 year old man in her home for a week who can't take basic care of himself?

What do you think will happen to him, if he doesn’t cook a full meal each day? After all you’re doing the same?

He will be fine, let him grow up!

@ProfessorXtra

Maybe it's slightly different because YOU own your home (which you frequently make no bones about) so your DP possibly doesn't feel it would be reasonable to ask that of you/DD anyway.

Your DD doesn't particularly want to be there if your DP is there & you aren't. Why shouldn't the op not particularly want her SS there when her DH is away and fancies some time alone in her home?

Why should he even need his mum to look after him? He's 18! Surely he can come and go from both houses as he wants to

It's odd that an 18 year old lied to his Dad twice about this. He has caused this problem. The Mother must have known your DH is out of the country as he's taking his 16 year old with him. Could 18 year old to be afraid to ask his Mum if he can stay there this week? Nothing else males much sense. You have done nothing wrong. What would 18 year old do if you were going on trip too? He is not your child, he has 2 parents. He either goes with his Dad or stays with his Mum.

So you and your husband cook for him?

But you can’t say to him ‘you need to cook for yourself next week as I am busy all wee and you dad isn’t here’ or your dh to say that?

It was easier to try and send a message via the 18 year old to the ex who seems to also be quite volatile.

The whole set up is really odd and I think you all need to start treating the SC like young adults. Since that’s what they are.

You feel sorry for your dh? Which I do get. But you are all treating the 18 year old like a small child, then surprised when they don’t pass on messages. It’s really inconsistent on your dhs part. If he feels the 18 year old still needs to be babied, then he can’t also expect him to be the go between between your dh and his ex.

The GROWN ADULT has two homes and shouldn't be shut out of either of them.

So at any point for the rest of his life, this grown adult should have full access to both his parents houses? That still implies an access/visiting arrangement

Very confusing arrangement for such ages. Set weeks? The 18 year old works full time!!

Also who is going out of their way to cook meals for 18 year olds? She can cook whatever she's going to eat in extra or she can leave him to it surely? I was cooking most of my own food by 17.

Is it a case by any chance of her being worried about shopping money? My boy is 6 and eats like a horse so I can imagine an 18 year old lad eating tons, and at that age he still probably eats a lot of the family shopping despite working full time. Could you offer some money to sub him some groceries as an apology for the inconvenience?

Literally don't understand how your DH can be accused of "shirking his responsibilities" to an 18 year old who declined a holiday as he'd prefer to work.

Everyone involved seems to be treating these children as though they are 8 and 6, not 18 and 16.

At 18, I agree, this is all a bit mad. Realistically he should just tay att he house he prefers to stay at tbh. He hardly needs babysitting.

If he is at yours all week, just tell him you're too busy to cook and he'll have to sort his own. Same with his washing. He is an adult and you are not there to serve him. My 15 year old sorts his own and younger dcs dinner on occasions when I'm working late. I'm sure an 18yo can manage to whip something up.
If he is really incapable, get him some ready meals in or tell him to buy himself something. If you're cooking your own anyway, save him a bit but thats as far as you need to go really given his age.

Or tell him you'll take turns to cook. if he doesn't like it he can get himself back to his mums.

Take your week working and relaxing as it suits you. No need to look after him, but yeah its odd that he said he would stay at his mums and she's gone a bit mad at that!

Agree that the custody situation shouldn’t apply now he’s 18.

However if he’s only just turner 18, it’s acceptable for him not to be renting his own place yet. And it’s also normal not to be able to or want to go away for an extra week due to annual leave. So the situation the guy is left with is that two parents are fighting over who he shouldn’t stay with.

The person in the wrong is SS age 18.

He was treated like an adult THREE TIMES (invited on trip with Dad, his refusal accepted, asked to arrange with his mother) and has behaved like a silly boy.

In the circumstances and in your shoes I'd refuse to have him. He can apologise to Mum for the mess he made and talk her round; or make his own arrangements to stay with friends.

@Nanny0gg

🤣I am crying at your comment

He needs to stay with his MUM or DAD. Dad is away working. Therefore mum needs to look after her 18 year old adult child with a full time job not the stepmum

The 18 is working full time and earning his own money so should be treated like an adult.

If he has always had two homes 50/50 with his parents and still "lives at home" (both of them!) he should be welcome to come and go as he pleases at both. I assume he cannot afford to live independently yet, but he should be paying 1/2 digs at both houses too.

It is well overdue having a review of the "custody" arrangements for this adult.