Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

[feghs111]

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off).

This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that.

Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted.

Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice.

Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.

I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week.

I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama!

Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

I think the 18 year old adult SS needs to be left to sort himself out instead of the worry about where he will be going because he will need feeding. He's 18 years old he should be able to cook his own meals or he can use his money to pay for takeaways! Either way it's noone else's responsibility.

This!

@Blanketpolicy

It's not the atomism responsibility and that is the bottom line.

*stepmums responsibility

Yes I have one. No she isn’t like a child.

She clearly isn’t the same as a 30 year old but she is clearly an adult.

A working 18 year old doesnt need to stick to a contact /living arrangement. That doesnt necessarily mean that they dont need somewhere to live and some support in gaining independence. In any case he would be coming to your/DP’s house to see/spend time with his father. Hes not going to be there so theres no need for him to come. Also at 18 he doesnt need childcare so its no imposition to his mother unless she doesnt expect to feed him on the days he isnt with her, and if thats the case a discusion about keep/rent needs to be had with dss given that hes now working and has an income.

I thought contact was for the benefit of the child, they go to be parented by their parent, spend quality time, share the labour of their care etc etc.
Does any of this still apply to a full time working 18 year-old? If so, no he shouldn't be staying with OP that week as his parent isn't there to provide those things.
All the reasons for why OP should have him also apply to his mother, with a bit extra on top because, Joy! She will be there parent him, spend quality time yada yada and she has no right to say no because her home is his home.
I feel sorry for this boy, 18 is very much the grey area between childhood and adulthood but he's really getting an awful lot of mixed messages here.
And no, OP, you weren't wrong to ask if he could stay in his home with his parent that week.

I think his mum is mean for making him feel like he's not welcome at her house.

He could obviosuly cook himself a ready meal or whatver but I can't see him cooking a full meal when he gets home.

He needs to learn!

Holy shit, do you wipe his arse as well?

He is 18 and in full time employment, it shouldnt be a conversation to be had. Does he ask for permission to stay out for the night too?

Dad will be away for the week with your sibling. If you stay over here there is just the boring step mother doing her thing. You might want to speak to your mum and let her know you will be staying there if you choose to. Either way, see you in a week or so.

And yes, contrary to what lots of people say, 18 year olds are still very kid-like so I would factor them into meal planning etc.

Exactly this !

Dad is sending his son no ay for the week also so even if SS isn't contributing to either home now he's working it's no money out of the mums pocket for food because dads sending it over

Both homes should be accessible to his children.

Has she got a boyfriend or someone she's planning on entertaining in private or something.

If she has it might be in your best interests to have your SS over.

God I would have hated to be a child/adult that was thought of as a pain in the arse to be shipped across households.

I have had 3 over the years. They could cook use a washing machine dish washer and iron and could/were learning to drive. They did need lifts /borrow a car and feeding. They also had various p/t jobs around school.

You’re all being unreasonable. He’s 18, ffs. He sorts out his own meals, laundry, etc. it shouldn’t make a scrap of difference where he sleeps.

Aye, 2 here. Happy to leave home alone as soon as they hit 16. Cooking, cleaning etc.

I can just picture what my ds would have said when he was 18 if i had been making arrangements for him of where to stay.

Yeah an 18 year old who works full time should not be keeping contact arrangement what the actual fuck? He should also be capable of looking after himself for the week. He shouldn't be at your house when his father isn't there 🤔 I can imagine you were looking forward to a week on your own. I'm sorry OP but you yourself need to be firmer. If I was working and contributing to a house there is not another person on the planet who would dictate what happens in my house. If I wanted a week on my own, I would have had one. You don't have children, this shouldn't be an issue. His MOTHER should be having him. Wouldn't be an option in my house especially if he STILL needs 'looking after' Stick up for yourself.

Find it a bit odd that an 18 year old still needs to be 'handed over' weekly. They are an adult basically.

Not to say he shouldn't stay with his dad but surely he can decided when and where he stays in general rather than following some set visitation schedule anymore? He isn't 8!

That said I totally understand you wanting the house to yourself and don't see anything wrong with you saying you want some time alone whilst his dad is away 🤷‍♀️

Sorry but I agree he should have been welcome on the proviso he sorts out his own meals and washing (his dad could have bought in a stack of ready meals, frozen veg, pasta and other simple things. Not that I don't think an 18 year old should be able to cook for themselves). He could have been told you've got a nuts week at work so can't be on hand.

I tend to disagree with the whole 'SC can swan in and out whenever they like of either parents house even when their parents are there' though.

This dad offered to take him away for the week with him and he said no and the other person who actually owns the house wants it to herself so imo his choices are go to mum's or go away with dad for the week.

I dont understand why you call your husband "poor DH" when its him and not you who should work this out.

I agree he's aged out of the handover and being looked after etc so the arrangement needs revising. If he still lives between the 2 properties then fine, but it's on a more adult basis

Even when their parents aren't* there that should say.

I suppose it makes slightly more sense with adult SC but people say it about young children too on here who absolutely do need some level of care and act like they can just choose to be in their parents house when their parent isn't there meaning the step parent has to care for them as if they get no say in that. My stepchildren are not yet old enough to completely care for themselves so no they cannot just turn up whenever they want if their dad isn't here, not without me agreeing!

Sorry but he should have been welcome on the proviso he sorts out his own meals and washing (his dad could have bought in a stack of ready meals, frozen veg, pasta and other simple things.

@Catlord but surely the whole flitting between two houses thing is for the 'child' to spend time with both parents, therefore he doesn't need to spend time in his Dad's home when his Dad's not there. I've heard this called 'access by proxy' which is weird enough with a young child, but totally incomprehensible with an adult.

I don’t get what the issue is? My daughter is 17 and if we were in this situation she’d just stay wherever she wanted and just cook for herself. What care needs does he have at 18??