Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

[feghs111]

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off).

This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that.

Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted.

Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice.

Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.

I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week.

I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama!

Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

It's a different kind of relationship where two adults live together as full partners in a joint household, one has children, one doesn't but they share parenting with the ex of the partner with the children - that brings responsibility. @80s doesn't share a household therefore has no parenting responsibilities of any kind.

You just do what you like. He does what he likes. You are both adults

You have a discussion and make a plan I think and they have to have the courtesy to let you know if it changes

This arrangement was set up when DSS was a lot younger, he had to be returned by 6pm on Sundays EOW. DH was also expected to have given him his tea, and make sure he’d had a bath, as alternate Sundays were DH’s days, and this was his responsibility. This doesn’t sound too odd for a young child?

but the pattern never changed, I suppose as years went on the ‘we need to have you ready for bed’ comments stopped, but the pattern was ingrained and I’m sure the ex would have ordered a maintenance review if we’d taken him home with out having had tea.

This is what happens when arrangements get set in stone, it’s not great.

The arrangements are set in stone for children not adults. Please don't tell us your Husband is still paying maintenance for a working adult !

@SpainToday
I can sympathise a bit, my DPs ex will not let any flexibility creep in even though the DC are 12,15,17.
Obviously they now have their own lives and yet are ordered to go to their dads on set days.
If for instance they've something on a Sunday and do that instead, DP gets a call demanding he drop
off a takeaway as it's his day and she doesn't cook on his day , even though they're in her house, just one of the demented things he's endured, thankfully he's now blocked her and organises things with his kids now.

its absolutely bonkers but we were in the same situation not that long ago. DH and his ex had access weekends set in stone when the kids were 14 and 16 years old - every single weekend … 12pm Saturday until 6pm Sunday.

The routine was still going on when the boys were well into their 20s. DH would go and pick them up 12pm Saturday, they would arrive with their backpacks on … waited on hand and foot all weekend and then told to start getting their shoes etc on at 5:30pm Sunday. They were in their 20s!!!

It’s only recently stopped now that they’re 27 and 29 years old (I shit you not) and even now DH tries to get them to come for a sleep over on weekends. Sometimes they actually accept and he still picks them up at 12pm - they come in with their back packs on … shoes on at 5:30pm Sunday …

Thankfully it’s once in a blue moon these days.

YANBU OP. You’re not the parent, this adult needs to grow up

It’s only recently stopped now that they’re 27 and 29 years old (I shit you not) and even now DH tries to get them to come for a sleep over on weekends. Sometimes they actually accept and he still picks them up at 12pm - they come in with their back packs on … shoes on at 5:30pm Sunday …

@ARareKindaBear blimey, that’s all kinds of wrong! How did you put up with it? DH and I used to have the most terrible rows about our situation, not sure how we actually got through it.

@Behindthelines i’m not sure what you said, your replies were removed, but the last couple of posts illustrate my point, ridiculous arrangements get entrenched in many step-families

I can understand and see how this would happen and just carry on over the years, some people are being a bit rude. Obviously not ‘normal’ but just staying I understand.

Thank you @PixieLaLa, it’s a very difficult thing to explain, and generally people don’t understand unless they’re in a step family

I totally get it, I am a step Mum myself so maybe that’s why I understand but just wanted to show support

Glad to hear I'm not the only one in this crazy situation and yes, I think it's hard to understand unless you're part of a blended family yourself.

It wouldn't really be possible for us to take both children full time as our place is just way too small - we're in a flat and one of the boys rooms is a tiny box room, the bedrooms are next to the living room and we would just all be on top of each other the whole time. I also get woken up regulary in the early hours with SS18 coming in or even just walking around after we go to bed (it would be basically impossible not to hear him given the size of our place) so I get to sleep much better on those off weeks too.

We're in London and I'm desparate to move further out where we can buy a nice house but unfortunately we are stuck here until SS16 finishes school. We can't get anything bigger where we are but in two years we will move and then the boys will either have the option of coming with us or staying with their mum - will be interesting what she has to say about that! Although I guess SS18 might be looking at renting then as he will be 20 and in fulltime work for at least 4 years.

Also with DH's ex, we're talking about a woman who made him pick the boys up on our week during the pandemic when we had just tested positive for Covid because it was still 'our week'!

DH's ex was very similar - she would have been quite happy to spread bubonic plague between households, just so long as DH collected DSS as scheduled.

Yep, DH went off to pick “the children” (mid/late 20s!) up for access weekend a few days after lockdown was announced.

a few months down the line he was planning on access weekend business as usual when we were both very Ill with Covid. We hadn’t eaten for days, could barely get up off the sofa but there he was, getting ready for access weekend - propping himself up on the wall whilst he put his shoes on as he couldn’t breathe properly and was struggling for air … I managed to convince him to ar least message them and ask if they actually still wanted to come considering the circumstances! They didn’t unsurprisingly

God yes we've had this before too. Wanting DC to come when they were covid positive during lockdown, finding out when we've already got them to our house that they've been vomitting all day etc etc funnily she never wants them back if they get ill at our house (not that we'd ever send them back throwing up). She'd happily drag her D&V suffering kids out of bed and to their dad's just so long as her plans don't get interrupted of course.