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Original poster

Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

321 replies

feghs111 · 19/06/2023 12:31

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off).

This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that.

Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted.

Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice.

Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.

I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week.

I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama!

Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

OP posts:
ThursdayFreedom · 19/06/2023 13:15

NothingButShiteOnTV · 19/06/2023 13:01

I genuinely can't believe an 18 year old still has contact arrangements between parents.
I bet he feels like a right plonker in work explaining that he's at dad's this week because it's his visitation time🙄

@NothingButShiteOnTV

well, that's his own doing. If he feels like a plonker, he can always stop 'transferring' between homes, he can also move out, like an adult, he has a full time job on good pay.

fluffiphlox · 19/06/2023 13:16

Can’t he stay with you and sort his own grub out for a few days?

Whichwhatnow · 19/06/2023 13:16

I still can't get my head around this arrangement. My niece is 15 and has been going back and forth between her mum's and my brother's freely since about 12. She's also capable of cooking a meal. Why are we infantilising these young adults??

CockyTeeHunz4Eva · 19/06/2023 13:18

At 18 your OH does not need to communicate with his ex regarding where this adult is staying.

Ex is in the wrong.

Blanketpolicy · 19/06/2023 13:19

quietnightmare · 19/06/2023 13:14

@Nanny0gg

🤣I am crying at your comment

He needs to stay with his MUM or DAD. Dad is away working. Therefore mum needs to look after her 18 year old adult child with a full time job not the stepmum

18 year old adults do not need someone to "look after" them. He should be able to stay at his home even when dad is away.

If he does need to be looked after as part of a custody arrangement still then it is dad's week/problem.

Can't have it both ways.

ProfessorXtra · 19/06/2023 13:22

ThursdayFreedom · 19/06/2023 13:07

@ProfessorXtra

Maybe it's slightly different because YOU own your home (which you frequently make no bones about) so your DP possibly doesn't feel it would be reasonable to ask that of you/DD anyway.

Your DD doesn't particularly want to be there if your DP is there & you aren't. Why shouldn't the op not particularly want her SS there when her DH is away and fancies some time alone in her home?

Show quote history

What do you mean I frequently make no bones about? I mentioned it was. Where it was revelant because legally I could ask him to leave and still wouldn’t. You don’t have to own a property for it to be your home.

It’s a fact. I own the property and it’s entirely Dps home. Do you know my dp and me? Because I can assure you he sees it as his home and his happy to say if he isn’t comfortable about something.

You last paragraph makes no sense at all. I didn’t say dd wouldn’t be comfortable. She may see it as a chance to spend extra time with her dad, that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t be uncomfortable in my home without me there. Op hasn’t said she is uncomfortable with her dss being there and said if the mum said no, she would have had him there.

If my dd was uncomfortable she can choose to stay elsewhere. She wouldn’t get to choose for other people (my dp) who also share the home to leave. If you are going to compare step parents and step (adult children). But you can’t really compare those. Especially when the adult child is treated like a child.

When you move in with someone with kids you know it’s everyone’s home.

Crispyturtle · 19/06/2023 13:23

How horrible for the 18y/o that he’s not fully welcome at either of his homes.

quietnightmare · 19/06/2023 13:24

@Blanketpolicy
😂 give over

This is such a non issue. Common sense is all it takes. He was offered a holiday and said no for valid reasons. He needs to stay at his mums house because his dad is away. Like you said he doesn't need looking after to why is the mum making an issue. Maybe the mum has a fells coming over and it's ruined that for her which would explain her reaction. But regardless of the dad, the mum and the adult SS it's not the stepmums responsibility to make accommodations and to have him in her home

JKrowlings · 19/06/2023 13:27

Why is an 18 year old man living like that?

Gymnopedie · 19/06/2023 13:28

It's odd that an 18 year old lied to his Dad twice about this.

I'm not sure he thought of it as lying. There are a lot of posts here saying SS is 18 and therefore an adult, yet on other threads in different scenarios posters are adamant that a brain isn't fully mature until they're 25.

If he was asked to 'clear it' with his mum, then I suggest that to an 18 year old brain telling his mum he's be at hers for that week was 'clearing' it.

Blondewithredlips · 19/06/2023 13:30

AMuser · 19/06/2023 12:36

You were in the wrong to not have him there - it’s his home 50% of the time. He’s an adult male. You don’t need to look after him.

This

NBLarsen · 19/06/2023 13:31

Echoing everyone else... He's 18, in full time work, he's an adult. He doesn't need to ask his mum if he can stay with her nor ask you or his dad if he can stay with you, he should just come and go as he pleases.

CointreauVersial · 19/06/2023 13:32

It's a non-issue.

18yo should have sorted out his plans, decided where he wanted to be, and informed his parents.

Ex is being petty.

Abouttimemum · 19/06/2023 13:35

Sisters step kids are 17/19 and just Co e and go as they please and look after themselves. Sister isn’t even with their dad any more (split up last year)

Puppers · 19/06/2023 13:36

Your home is his home. Of course he should be able to be in his home as normal. He doesn't need looking after because he's 18 so he doesn't need his dad to be there to supervise him.

You just need to let him know that you won't be cooking for him so he'll need to sort himself for meals. But as far as wanting the house to yourself, unfortunately that's not always possible when you live with other people, which you do.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 19/06/2023 13:36

16 and 18 year olds don't need custody arrangements, they are old enough make their own plans. What happens when they're even more grown up with their own kids? Will they still be flitting between homes because it's their week with dad?

Buyyouflowers · 19/06/2023 13:37

He’s 18! He doesn’t need to speak to his ex at all.

It’s bizarre.

Lacucuracha · 19/06/2023 13:37

I don't think it was fair to put DSS in the situation of having to ask his mum.

At 18 he is old enough to have keys to both houses and to come and go as he pleases.

But that also means he is old enough to cook for himself. DH should have just stocked up the freezer with ready meals, pizzas and had ingredients for sandwiches and snacks in the house.

whynotwhatknot · 19/06/2023 13:39

wouldnt the ex have clicked that he wasnt going when the youngest was though?

MiniMileaway · 19/06/2023 13:40

Agree this is all a bit odd - a simple conversation (or text, if they don’t speak), between your DH and his ex would have stopped this becoming an issue.
That said, perhaps this confusion introduces a good point for the parents to have a chat about revising the situation, as the current arrangement really doesn’t need to apply any longer.

Lacucuracha · 19/06/2023 13:40

whynotwhatknot · 19/06/2023 13:39

wouldnt the ex have clicked that he wasnt going when the youngest was though?

She must have thought DSS was staying home.

Blanketpolicy · 19/06/2023 13:41

quietnightmare · 19/06/2023 13:24

@Blanketpolicy
😂 give over

This is such a non issue. Common sense is all it takes. He was offered a holiday and said no for valid reasons. He needs to stay at his mums house because his dad is away. Like you said he doesn't need looking after to why is the mum making an issue. Maybe the mum has a fells coming over and it's ruined that for her which would explain her reaction. But regardless of the dad, the mum and the adult SS it's not the stepmums responsibility to make accommodations and to have him in her home

All of the mature adults in this strange set up have chosen to infantialise the young adult with a ridiculous ongoing 50/50 "custody" setup.

"Her" (the step mums home), is equally his dads home and also his home in this 50/50 setup, regardless of who is at home any particular day.

The man/child has obviously not been raised to have the maturity to even cook himself a meal never mind handle the situation where both his incompetent parents hate each other more than they care for their children.

But going by their ongoing fucked up parenting and "custody" arrangements dad is primarily responsible for his "care" that week.

PlainBlueSkirt · 19/06/2023 13:41

Rather a cheek of his mother, saying that your husband is a bad father, when she doesn’t want her own son at home.
I assume she has a partner/ boyfriend in this time.

You should have the benefit of the empty house for a change though

im on your team 😂

JupiterFortified · 19/06/2023 13:42

quietnightmare · 19/06/2023 12:42

This is insane

He is an adult but as the situation stands it's very childish way to deal with things surely he should come and go as he pleases

HOWEVER

As it is said time and time again YOU ARE NOT THE Parent he hastwo parents they need to sort it out between themselves as apparently the 18 year old with a job and goes on holiday alone can't manage his living situations.

Obviously in true mumsnet form the dad should have arranged child care for an 18 year old full time worker 😂

You are not responsible and no a grown adult doesn't need to be in your home when he's dad is away WORKING

the ex seems bitter and is being petty. Just ignore her

This reply absolutely nails it.

Why the actual fuck should dad have to arrange “child”care and ring mum to check son can stay with her? Son is a MAN, not a baby.

Then again, a lot of people on mumsnet seem to hate Dads and Stepmums so this thread should’ve been expected I guess….

PlainBlueSkirt · 19/06/2023 13:44

Puppers · 19/06/2023 13:36

Your home is his home. Of course he should be able to be in his home as normal. He doesn't need looking after because he's 18 so he doesn't need his dad to be there to supervise him.

You just need to let him know that you won't be cooking for him so he'll need to sort himself for meals. But as far as wanting the house to yourself, unfortunately that's not always possible when you live with other people, which you do.

Has anyone got an 18 year old?
They are much more childlike than previous generations.
Ours are worse at 20 than 14 !!!