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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop contact if he can’t keep to the time?

412 replies

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:49

My ex has our kids every other weekend but he keeps dropping them back late. It’s supposed to be 6pm but he’s usually at least twenty minutes late. It’s a long drive so I have to give them their tea and get them ready for school on Monday.

AIBU to say he can’t have them if he can’t keep to 6pm?

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 19/06/2023 10:52

Its 20 minutes? Is this really the hill to die on? If your children have a bond with their father then it seems very unfair to stop that for the sake of him dropping them off a bit late. I say that as a parent who has stopped her children's father from having access.

BlackeyedSusan · 19/06/2023 10:54

Annoying but 20 minutes is not that bad. Bloody annoying mind.

Pkhsvd · 19/06/2023 10:54

Is that the only issue? I think it’s a bit of an over reaction to be honest and is it worth that to them compared to the rushed evening? Why don’t you ask him to bring them back at 5 so it’s not such an issue if they’re late or ask him to feed them on the way?
we had a long drive to drop my DSC off so we used to do a main meal at lunchtime and a sandwich dinner on the way back. We would have done bath in the morning so there was minimal tasks to be done when they get dropped home.

endofthelinefinally · 19/06/2023 10:55

I don't think 20 minutes is worth an argument.
Can you get everything ready for school before they come home, prep an easy tea that they can eat as soon as they come in, quick bath and into bed?
I don't understand what else needs doing.
Their dad should be doing reading/ homework on his time. If he isn't, just don't do it and inform the teacher.

Original poster
BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:56

Sometimes it’s as much as 40 minutes. He should be checking the traffic before he sets off. They’re only young so it means I get barely any time with them before I put them to bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:57

I’ve asked him to bring them back at 5pm instead but he won’t because he says he won’t give up time with them. But this isn’t what’s best for them.

OP posts:
OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 10:58

I think you need to have a think about what you're actually suggesting here.

You want to stop contact with your child's parent because they're 20 mins late bringing them home?

Seriously, think about that suggestion.

Fiddlerdragon · 19/06/2023 10:58

And he has no time at all with them during the 12 out of 14 days that you have them. What an utter prick you’d have to be to stop your children seeing their father as he’s minutes late dropping them off every other weekend

Tinkerbyebye · 19/06/2023 10:59

Oh get away with you, they are a few minutes late, so what, just allow for it at least he is spending time with them

you sound very bitter, I hope it’s not affecting the kids

Fiddlerdragon · 19/06/2023 11:00

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:57

I’ve asked him to bring them back at 5pm instead but he won’t because he says he won’t give up time with them. But this isn’t what’s best for them.

What’s best for them is far more contact with their dad than every other weekend. So it’s not acceptable for you to have 20 minutes less with them every two weeks when he’s a bit late, you want him to lose a whole hour when he only sees them twice a month? Stop being so ridiculous!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/06/2023 11:00

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:57

I’ve asked him to bring them back at 5pm instead but he won’t because he says he won’t give up time with them. But this isn’t what’s best for them.

Is stopping contact what’s best for them?

Whilst it’s irritating you get hardly any time with them before bed is the fair balance of that really no time with their father?

This is not a hill to die on imo.

Seas164 · 19/06/2023 11:00

Stopping contact because he's sometimes late in dropping them off in the region of about half an hour is a massive overreaction OP, sorry.

Could you suggest that while they're little 6pm Sunday is a bit late for a drop off, and could you move it forward to 5pm, and give an hour somewhere else?

Pick your battles, unless he's over the limit when he drops them off 20 minutes late, then no, you can't attempt to stop contact because of this, nor threaten it.

ThursdayFreedom · 19/06/2023 11:02

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:56

Sometimes it’s as much as 40 minutes. He should be checking the traffic before he sets off. They’re only young so it means I get barely any time with them before I put them to bed.

@BedtimesBackThen

you're winding yourself up. If it's getting too late for your evening routine just ask him to have them back for 5 as they're too tired on a Monday morning.

but really, just have their tea ready to give to them (a picnic tea isn't going to hurt) or something simple that just needs heating up. Dunk in the bath (not a play night) & off to bed.

you get 12/14 days with them, every other Sunday night, doesn't need to be a big deal having a quick routine from home to bed.

OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 11:02

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:57

I’ve asked him to bring them back at 5pm instead but he won’t because he says he won’t give up time with them. But this isn’t what’s best for them.

And it's not best for them for you to be considering stopping contact over this.

He is their parent FFS. You're being selfish and ridiculous over an annoyance.

I can't believe you even typed the sentence 'to stop him having them because of this'. You want your children to not see their parent EOW because it slightly inconveniences you and you feel you don’t get enough time with that that day?

Wow.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 19/06/2023 11:02

Why does he see them such a pathetically tiny amount?

Original poster
BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:03

He does do their reading/homework (actually it’s mostly his girlfriend who does) and they have a shower in the morning at his but they’re still grubby when they get home if they’ve been outside playing, which they usually have.

I don’t see what else I can do to stop him from being late every time.

OP posts:
memyselfi · 19/06/2023 11:03

You'd seriously stop your children seeing their father ?
I'm sorry but that's disgusting.

ThursdayFreedom · 19/06/2023 11:03

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:57

I’ve asked him to bring them back at 5pm instead but he won’t because he says he won’t give up time with them. But this isn’t what’s best for them.

@BedtimesBackThen

crossed posted with you!

Ask him to spend quality time bathing them before he brings them home!

bibbityboppityboo · 19/06/2023 11:04

How long is his drive to you?

Perhaps he could keep them Sunday evening and do baths etc then drop them to school on the Monday?

ChronicallyChaotic · 19/06/2023 11:04

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:57

I’ve asked him to bring them back at 5pm instead but he won’t because he says he won’t give up time with them. But this isn’t what’s best for them.

Stopping contact with their father altogether isn't what's best for them either.

Unless you're drop feed what a nasty twat of a man he is, then no, I'd try to appreciate that I get to see my young children every evening and as hard as it might be, when they're 20 mins late after what you've said is a long drive, that quality fun time may not be possible on dads weekends just like he has to do when it's your weekends.

Yeah he could check traffic before he sets off and it's rude if he doesn't manage to ring you ti let you know he's running late but I wouldn't be choosing my children can't see their father over this.

aSofaNearYou · 19/06/2023 11:04

I agree, seems a bit much over 20 minutes unless you have a specific time to keep to like a train to catch.

Buyyouflowers · 19/06/2023 11:05

Honestly get over it.
Its 20-40 minutes. It’s not a big deal.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/06/2023 11:05

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:03

He does do their reading/homework (actually it’s mostly his girlfriend who does) and they have a shower in the morning at his but they’re still grubby when they get home if they’ve been outside playing, which they usually have.

I don’t see what else I can do to stop him from being late every time.

You can’t. Traffic is traffic.

Best option is to just accept it as one of life’s little irritations.

Stopping your children seeing their father over it would be cruel and absolutely not in their best interests.

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 11:06

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:56

Sometimes it’s as much as 40 minutes. He should be checking the traffic before he sets off. They’re only young so it means I get barely any time with them before I put them to bed.

Barely get any time with them?! You have them 12 days out of 14! You're being ridiculous.

ChronicallyChaotic · 19/06/2023 11:06

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:03

He does do their reading/homework (actually it’s mostly his girlfriend who does) and they have a shower in the morning at his but they’re still grubby when they get home if they’ve been outside playing, which they usually have.

I don’t see what else I can do to stop him from being late every time.

You can't stop him I guess, you suck it up because as shit as it is, it's what some mums have to do.

How would you explain to your children why their father isn't allowed to see them anymore?