To stop contact if he can’t keep to the time?

[BedtimesBackThen]

My ex has our kids every other weekend but he keeps dropping them back late. It’s supposed to be 6pm but he’s usually at least twenty minutes late. It’s a long drive so I have to give them their tea and get them ready for school on Monday.

AIBU to say he can’t have them if he can’t keep to 6pm?

But you expected them home at 6 for a special dinner and intended to do all the other wind-down activities before bed at 7?

You keep tripping yourself up.

Because he's not their Dad they already have a dad🙄

It’s not the only issue. Ex has been a nightmare since we split because he hates my partner (even though he got a new girlfriend at almost the same time). He’s late with maintenance, I don’t think he’s paying enough, he’s rude and disrespectful to me and my partner, he lets the kids stay up late and they’re always tired…

Aside from the fact you can’t block his access (well, not lawfully anyway), are you actually saying you’d block your children from having a relationship with their father because he’s regularly 20 minutes late? I mean, it’s irritating but you might want to look at the bigger picture….. unless you’re just looking for any old excuse, of course.

This is so over the top ridiculously unreasonable I genuinely hope it is a wind up post by one of those lunatic ‘Wimminz are stealing Menz children’ groups that occasionally have to be dragged off the top of public buildings.

No, you can’t stop access for 20 to 40 minutes extra every two weeks. If there isn’t time for the things you’ve listed when they are late back, you need to stop trying to cram them all in. It sounds like they can’t settle because you’ve got them in a whirl of activity, no doubt with criticism of their father getting them home late thrown in.

If you try and stop access over this and it goes to court, I suspect your ex will get more time not less.

Just out of interest, who moved 2 hours from the other parent? Or did you both move in opposite directions?

Good grief woman you are so bloody unreasonable. Your poor kids. They have a dad, pretending he doesnt exist and forcing your latest boyfriend on them is a sure fire way to set up poor mental health in the future.

OP - you can't have it all.
These are really minor reasons that could be solved with some better communication from both of you.
He doesn't need to like your partner.
He doesn't sound like he's been abusive to you or your children.
He has 2 weekends a month with them. You get all other days.
Pick your battles.

It’s not the only issue. Ex has been a nightmare since we split because he hates my partner (even though he got a new girlfriend at almost the same time). He’s late with maintenance, I don’t think he’s paying enough, he’s rude and disrespectful to me and my partner, he lets the kids stay up late and they’re always tired…

Not so much a drip feed, more of a deluge.

“Why shouldn’t they show appreciation for the man who is their father figure the vast majority of the time? They wanted to and wanted to buy him presents and make cards.”

They can do this on any of the days they live with him or indeed on step-parent day which is the 16th September. But you don’t get to have a ridiculous strop just because YOU want to do it on Father’s Day and they are 20 minutes late because they’ve been spending time with their, cough, actual father…

So it’s a two hour trip? There’s a lot of road to cover and on Sunday there can always be something that goes wrong even if the road is clear at the start of the journey.

Would you prefer they messaged you whilst driving or called just to keep you up to date (with your kids in the car)?

Do you turn up to drop off on time, every time? Could your ex be posting a thread about you not dropping off on time on a Friday?

You sound controlling.

It’s irritating but that’s about it - you’d be harming your children and it as bit petty

So given you do one way of the driving, this happens once a month? It gets worse.

Kids up an hour later at the weekend? Sounds pretty normal…

Really? I think a lot of exes are way worse than this and that is why people are telling you it’s no big deal! I understand that it’s difficult for routines to be put out but you’re being extremely inflexible here for no good reason. 6.40 really isn’t late, if you pushed the matter and went to court I don’t think you’d have a chance of insisting on 6pm return. He doesn’t want to lose that time, it’s fair enough. Get him to bath the kids and give them dinner before they leave. Get him to give them a cooked lunch and then have a sandwich ready. Give them a shower in the morning. If they’re in bed by 7 surely they’re up early? I find it really difficult to believe that a 5 and 7 year old are in bed by 7pm 100% of the time. Do they never go to school discos, school performances, clubs etc?

The post isn’t about all that. I’ve had to put up with my ex being difficult for three years. This post is about him being persistently late, the impact on the children and how I can stop him from doing it.

They can. But that's not more important than them seeing their actual father on father's day.

Then make a post about those issues. Because with this one, you sound like the unreasonable one.

You don’t get to tell their father what time they go to bed at their home with him.

You can’t stop him 🤷‍♀️

Hopefully this is a wind up! If not, you need to stop being a knobhead. He literally sees them e.o.w

Your dcs dad will trump their stepdad on fathers day fgs

The post isn’t about all that. I’ve had to put up with my ex being difficult for three years. This post is about him being persistently late, the impact on the children and how I can stop him from doing it.

I think you need to learn to let some of this stuff go for the sake of your blood pressure and the DC's MH.

I suspect that if the ex was rushing to get the D.C. to his on time on Mother's Day so that they could have a "special meal" with his girlfriend, you'd be very unhappy.

The fact that you're even mentioning stopping his contact is a mark of how deeply U you are being.

I don't blame him if you are this controlling with him and pretending your boyfriend is the new "Dad"

You can't stop him from being late.

You can mitigate it by having him feed the kids, bath them and get the in their pajamas before they say off so all they need is a snack and their teeth brushed at yours.

We all get that you hate your ex, but you aren't going to be able to stop access over this. You really need to look at this from your kids point of view. It's important that they are their dad and have a relationship with him. And TBH handover is likely going to be difficult at that l their ages given how often they see him anyway

You sound like a nightmare OP.

One of those who says 'my new DP is raising them because he's here all the time'. Yes, because he lives with you. You don’t usually live with people you're not in a relationship with anymore so your ex can't do that.

Your ex has EOW which you're already complaining encroaches on your plans so how is he supposed to be there nearly all the time with your DC and 'raise them' with you and your new partner?

He literally can't. So you use that as a complaint?

Your new DP isn't your DCs parent and never will be. He's also not being a better parent doing more of the work when he lives with you which is not a choice your ex has.

This.