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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop contact if he can’t keep to the time?

412 replies

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:49

My ex has our kids every other weekend but he keeps dropping them back late. It’s supposed to be 6pm but he’s usually at least twenty minutes late. It’s a long drive so I have to give them their tea and get them ready for school on Monday.

AIBU to say he can’t have them if he can’t keep to 6pm?

OP posts:
Utterknowitall · 21/06/2023 14:47

Frankola · 21/06/2023 08:51

Having read all your posts OP it's pretty clear you and your partner are trying to eradicate the kids dad from your lives. It's obvious parental alienation.

You want the kids back earlier as you and your partner like a family Sunday dinner? Tough. They're with their dad. They only see him twice a month.

You are annoyed because on fathers day they spent time with their ACTUAL DAD rather than your partner? Tough. He's their dad and it was fathers day.

You say your partner pays for the kids home. Well sorry, but YOU should be paying for their home.

Regardless of you and your partner trying to play happy families you cannot change the fact that this man is your kids dad and you shouldn't be trying to remove him from the picture.

Totally this.

darkmodeon · 21/06/2023 14:48

You pick them up then

darkmodeon · 21/06/2023 14:49

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:08

I’d rather it was 5pm or earlier but if it has to be 6pm then I can work around that but he’s always late. Last night I’d planned a special Father‘s Day dinner with their stepdad but they got back so late it was ruined.

Can I insist on it being 5pm and then if he’s late and it’ll actually be 6pm?

Don't be so ridiculous

Ffion21 · 21/06/2023 16:40

I think the more I read the OPs replies the more I think this is made up and she’s a troll. None of this is logical or reasonable. I genuinely think it’s someone stirring up a response for fun now.

RocketIceLollie · 21/06/2023 16:42

Frankola · 21/06/2023 08:51

Having read all your posts OP it's pretty clear you and your partner are trying to eradicate the kids dad from your lives. It's obvious parental alienation.

You want the kids back earlier as you and your partner like a family Sunday dinner? Tough. They're with their dad. They only see him twice a month.

You are annoyed because on fathers day they spent time with their ACTUAL DAD rather than your partner? Tough. He's their dad and it was fathers day.

You say your partner pays for the kids home. Well sorry, but YOU should be paying for their home.

Regardless of you and your partner trying to play happy families you cannot change the fact that this man is your kids dad and you shouldn't be trying to remove him from the picture.

Very well said.

SunLover1985 · 21/06/2023 18:33

Ffion21 · 21/06/2023 16:40

I think the more I read the OPs replies the more I think this is made up and she’s a troll. None of this is logical or reasonable. I genuinely think it’s someone stirring up a response for fun now.

It definitely is. No one is this unreasonable.

julesplusvodka · 21/06/2023 18:36

You have no right to stop those children from seeing their father you don’t own them ! Think about what is best for them not your slight inconvenience’s, you have them most days, grow up and set a good example for the children or is it jealousy of the girlfriend that is really the root of your problem

stichguru · 21/06/2023 21:29

I don't know why the father and you spilt, but whether it was a joint decision or whether one person was much more to blame, from the kids point of view, they love and want to spent time with both of you. Because you are BOTH their parents your COMBINED role is to make this happen nicely. YOU need to stop power-playing your husband for not doing what YOU want, and work to make the kids' time with him count. Punishing your kids because your ex isn't playing in the way you want is cruel and childish - please grow up and be kind to your kids,

Macinae · 21/06/2023 22:01

OP you are being unreasonable whether or not you want to accept that. He's not consistently late picking them up or cancelling on them, he's 20-40 minutes late dropping them home. This isn't ideal for you but this isn't about you I'm afraid. This is about your children and their time with their father. All because they are a little out of their evening routine? They can deal with one later night. You keep adding things on to support your narrative but you actually asked whether you should stop contact because he drops them back late. Read it back.

Amynth · 22/06/2023 05:28

I’m sure he’s trying to squeeze every second of precious time with his children that he can because you have managed to deny him equal time and equal rights that he deserves just as much as a parent as you do. You’re mostly likely guilty of at least a little parental alienation already which should be rewarded with termination of full custody as it should be viewed as child abuse. Women like you are disgusting.

MrsRaspberry · 22/06/2023 06:06

Jeez poster looking at your replies it seems you just want to remove their dad out the picture altogether. Sure theres plenty of parents on here who have dealt with a lot more than a dad whos a little bit late dropping their kids home. Hell there's probably a bunch of lone parents on here wishing their kids other parent would give their kids a fraction of the time that your kids dad does with his. Like wow. Your posts started off about contact then magically out comes his other shortfalls like late paying maintenance and that he hates your new bloke well to be honest if I were him i would too but you've probably fuelled it with slowly trying to shove dad out and replace him with the new father figure. Stop being so spiteful just to point score and stroke your own ego of being the better parent. I get you've had your differences but clearly he loves his kids. He spends his weekends making their time fun aswell as helping them with their school work so he's obviously doing the important stuff too. In response to the original question no you cannot stop contact. Grow up

Emma2023 · 22/06/2023 08:12

Really?? Except I thought you had planned a special Father’s Day dinner for their step dad? I’m sorry but none of this makes sense, it’s 40 minute out of 12 days at least their dad actually sees them.

x2boys · 22/06/2023 08:17

The op.hasn't replied for three days now I'm not sure this thread is helping anyone at this point?🤔

Emma2023 · 22/06/2023 08:17

Omg you just said it- every other Sunday is ruined- xcept you get all those other days that are not ruined and their dad gets two . Honestly have a look at yourself

x2boys · 22/06/2023 08:18

Replied*

Emma2023 · 22/06/2023 08:26

up to 2 hours- my god when you said long journey I thought you meant like 5 . They could have a small for the car.

Pherian · 22/06/2023 12:07

You’re being unreasonable and controlling.

That is his time with his kids - you not getting any time with them when they are back is a non issue because you have them everyday in your life and he has them at designated times.

You should not be dictating a time for when he brings the kids home. A reasonable approach would be : the kids need to go to bed at this time on a school night and I need to get them fed and bathed before . What time do you think you’ll be getting them home ? Oh, 7pm ? That’s no problem - can you make sure they have bathed in the morning and give them a meal before they get home.

Thats what co-parenting looks like with people who aren’t controlling and using their kids to hurt each other.

Believe it or not your kids will be ok if they go to bed a bit later and need a snack when they get home. Kids unless they are playing in the dirt don’t need a bath everyday.

Pherian · 22/06/2023 12:15

I’ve been in my partners children’s lives for two years. I have ZERO expectations of receiving gifts, cards, or anything on Mother’s Day because I’m in fact, not their mother. I take care of them like they are my own, but it’s a privilege to get time with them and it’s not my right.

this past mothers day I took them shopping for their actual mother so she got cards and gifts from her children. If your partner wants to be a daddy and get that respect then the two of you should have kids.

Thelnebriati · 22/06/2023 12:26

So the comments on the thread actually help explain why you should keep an incident diary.

No one listens when you try to flag the low level stuff that might escalate and lead to a problem in the future.

If its part of a wider pattern the diary will help reveal that pattern.
It will also track the volume of low level stuff that you are expected to put up with, while being grateful he can be bothered with his children at all.

x2boys · 22/06/2023 14:21

Thelnebriati · 22/06/2023 12:26

So the comments on the thread actually help explain why you should keep an incident diary.

No one listens when you try to flag the low level stuff that might escalate and lead to a problem in the future.

If its part of a wider pattern the diary will help reveal that pattern.
It will also track the volume of low level stuff that you are expected to put up with, while being grateful he can be bothered with his children at all.

It's not about the mother ,it's about the children's RIGHT to have a relationship with both parents 🙄

jannier · 22/06/2023 15:47

Frankola

Having read all your posts OP it's pretty clear you and your partner are trying to eradicate the kids dad from your lives. It's obvious parental alienation.

You want the kids back earlier as you and your partner like a family Sunday dinner? Tough. They're with their dad. They only see him twice a month.

You are annoyed because on fathers day they spent time with their ACTUAL DAD rather than your partner? Tough. He's their dad and it was fathers day.

You say your partner pays for the kids home. Well sorry, but YOU should be paying for their home.

Regardless of you and your partner trying to play happy families you cannot change the fact that this man is your kids dad and you shouldn't be trying to remove him from the picture

Sums it up nicely....sad for the children when used like this.

Opaque11 · 22/06/2023 16:48

Op you are the very definition of a toxic parent. You are clearly trying to find a way to manipulate your kids. Father's Day is for your dc and their father, not your husband. Your very language in your posts are clear of where your mind is at. Barely get to see them, talk of cutting contact, your husband trying to muscle in on their day, etc. do your kids jump straight into bed at 6pm, because then what is the issue? I have a 7yo so please don't come with that nonsense of them needing hours to be ready for the next day.

Kpcs · 22/06/2023 17:08

You’re letting your personal feelings get in the way of what is best for the children. Him being a bit late when he gets so little time with the children is a non issue. Your reaction/feeling about this is your issue. If the children have fun there and don’t come to any harm you really shouldn’t be worrying about it. It is better that they have time with their father, than not regardless of your feelings about it.

Missjd87 · 22/06/2023 17:59

I’ve actually got as far as signing up to this website, just to reply to this thread that appeared on my Facebook.

This is so beyond unreasonable it’s ridiculous. You get time with them the other 12 days of the fortnight. Adjust the routine of him being slightly late is a regular occurance 20 to 40 minutes… even an hour isn’t going to do any damage to the children.

You’re not just being unreasonable, you’re being selfish.

Children are not weapons.

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 22/06/2023 20:01

@BedtimesBackThen do you work at being a monumental arsehole or does it come naturally?

You want to stop contact with their father, because one day a month he's 20-40 mins late on dropping them off.

You're trying to make your partner their dad, when he isn't, they already have a dad. That position is filled. They only see him twice a month. That's gotta be hard on them.

From your posts it really does sound like you want to find any reason to bitch about his parenting. 20 mins late, taking 30 mins to hug their dad, him buying them stuff and not bringing it home, letting them stay up till 8. He is their parent too, his house his rules.

I hope you don't express the above gripes to your kids, because the older they get the more say they have in their living situation, and you will push them away from you. Especially if you are so rigid and millitant.