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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop contact if he can’t keep to the time?

412 replies

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:49

My ex has our kids every other weekend but he keeps dropping them back late. It’s supposed to be 6pm but he’s usually at least twenty minutes late. It’s a long drive so I have to give them their tea and get them ready for school on Monday.

AIBU to say he can’t have them if he can’t keep to 6pm?

OP posts:
jannier · 19/06/2023 11:19

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:08

I’d rather it was 5pm or earlier but if it has to be 6pm then I can work around that but he’s always late. Last night I’d planned a special Father‘s Day dinner with their stepdad but they got back so late it was ruined.

Can I insist on it being 5pm and then if he’s late and it’ll actually be 6pm?

They are school age, it's their dads father's day not your new partner and if you can keep them up for that meal they are not too tired for school. He's your ex not your children's .....unless he's an abuser he should have as much time as possible

lechatnoir · 19/06/2023 11:20

You seriously wanted your dc's father to bring them back early so they could celebrate Father's Day with their step father Confused

You sound angry and resentful towards your ex, which if he was a shit husband is understandable, but don't let this cloud your judgement over what is best for the dc.

If he can't take them straight to school on Monday morning, how about he drops them a bit later but having had tea and in pjs

jannier · 19/06/2023 11:20

aSofaNearYou · 19/06/2023 11:14

How old are they? Surely makes a big difference. Being tired for one day a week isn't that big a deal, certainly not as big a deal as not seeing their dad, and it seems a bit odd that you wanted them back early on Father's Day to celebrate with their step dad when they were with their actual dad.

Show quote history

School age.....

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 19/06/2023 11:21

You want to make your kids stop seeing their dad because they might get an extra half an hour with him every other weekend??? Fuck me.

Original poster
BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:22

DD2 isn’t even 5 yet, she’s in reception. DD1 is 7. They have a fun time at their dad’s but he’s not the one who has to do school runs and their normal life.

My partner raises them. We like having dinner all together and every other Sunday evening is just a rush with emotional children and ruined dinner plans. If my ex just stuck to what’s agreed it wouldn’t be like that.

OP posts:
ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 19/06/2023 11:22

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:08

I’d rather it was 5pm or earlier but if it has to be 6pm then I can work around that but he’s always late. Last night I’d planned a special Father‘s Day dinner with their stepdad but they got back so late it was ruined.

Can I insist on it being 5pm and then if he’s late and it’ll actually be 6pm?

They spent Father's Day with their Dad. And rightly so.

gamerchick · 19/06/2023 11:23

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:56

Sometimes it’s as much as 40 minutes. He should be checking the traffic before he sets off. They’re only young so it means I get barely any time with them before I put them to bed.

If he only has them every other weekend, you probably get more time with them.

Stop looking for reasons to stop contact because you have a personal grudge against their dad.

Original poster
BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:23

Even if he feeds them before he sets off, they’re still going to need something to eat before bed because the journey takes up to two hours.

OP posts:
OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 11:24

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:19

That’s another reason I want them back earlier, because they’re emotional when he drops them off and I want to have time to calm them down and get them back to normal life before bed

Show quote history

But on this occasion you wanted your DC who were upset about leaving their Dad to engage in a 'special Father's day dinner with their Step-Dad which was ruined because they were late'.

I don't think you wanted the best for your DC in this scenario and you keep tripping yourself up.

How old are your DC?

How much of a Step-Dad is he? Are you married? How long has he been living with you? If you know that your DC are always upset leaving their Dad on his weekends, why did you plan a Father's day dinner for immediately after they were due to be dropped off?

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 11:25

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:22

DD2 isn’t even 5 yet, she’s in reception. DD1 is 7. They have a fun time at their dad’s but he’s not the one who has to do school runs and their normal life.

My partner raises them. We like having dinner all together and every other Sunday evening is just a rush with emotional children and ruined dinner plans. If my ex just stuck to what’s agreed it wouldn’t be like that.

It's twice a month...

The more you post the more I think you just want any reason to cut the contact with their dad so you can play happy families with their step dad 24/7 instead.

Popsicle42 · 19/06/2023 11:27

You don’t need to have Sunday dinner together on contact weekends. Ask your ex to feed them before they come back to yours and just give them a snack once they’re home. This increasingly reads like you want any excuse to cut him out of your children’s lives so you can play happy families with your new husband. It’s only 1 school night every fortnight, and 6:40 really isn’t that late for a 4 and 7 Yr old.

Sarahtm35 · 19/06/2023 11:27

No you can’t stop them seeing their dad because you’re rigid.

wont be long and you won’t have any say in when and for how long he sees them, it will be up to them.

AdviceNeeded22222 · 19/06/2023 11:28

OP presuming he has no weekday contact, it is twice a month! I couldn't even fathom why you'd stop contact. He sounds like a committed father from what you have posted and you're nit picking. Your partner is not their father.
I couldn't get mad about this.

BlinkeredBay · 19/06/2023 11:28

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:22

DD2 isn’t even 5 yet, she’s in reception. DD1 is 7. They have a fun time at their dad’s but he’s not the one who has to do school runs and their normal life.

My partner raises them. We like having dinner all together and every other Sunday evening is just a rush with emotional children and ruined dinner plans. If my ex just stuck to what’s agreed it wouldn’t be like that.

So 20 mins causes all this drama…. 😂

aSofaNearYou · 19/06/2023 11:28

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:22

DD2 isn’t even 5 yet, she’s in reception. DD1 is 7. They have a fun time at their dad’s but he’s not the one who has to do school runs and their normal life.

My partner raises them. We like having dinner all together and every other Sunday evening is just a rush with emotional children and ruined dinner plans. If my ex just stuck to what’s agreed it wouldn’t be like that.

I think YABU to insist on having a Sunday dinner together when it's their weekends with their dad. It sounds like them seeing him is an inconvenience to you - your Sunday dinner is not that important comparatively and you should do it EOW rather than resent time with their dad getting in the way of it.

I do get being a bit annoyed their bedtime is being pushed back but I think your whole attitude seems a bit wrong here.

Original poster
BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:28

My partner has been in their lives for three years and as a friend before. He’s a more stable influence in their lives and is the one that pays for their home and helped me pick up the pieces when ex and I split.

It’s not just about the meal yesterday but about the kids being rushed and stressed and then tired for school on Mondays. If ex dropped them back on time that wouldn’t happen.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/06/2023 11:29

I’ve got a lot of sympathy with you, as it’s very annoying when someone is always late (or indeed always early). It’s funny the number of people who seemingly have no sympathy but who frequently post that they would walk out of a coffee shop etc if a friend was 20 mins late. So I voted YANBU to be annoyed!

However I don’t think stopping contact is right either because they have a right to a relationship with their dad, and this is very important. It would be disproportionate to stop this, tempting as it seems.

What your ex isn’t appreciating, as he never has to do it, is the effect on the run down to Sunday night bedtime and being ready for school on Monday. Sunday night is the most important one imo! It sounds dramatic but if they’re over tired it can make a difference to their ability to concentrate the next day, and therefore their education. Is he at all amenable to discussing this? Can you rejig arrangements at all so he gets more time another day, possibly on the Friday?

It is a real shame when a parent moves away and contact therefore because difficult like this, and one parent can’t do the all important weekdays. I don’t really like the area where I live- my ex forced the move from somewhere I’d always wanted to live and was happy whilst we were together, but contact would be a nightmare if I moved away. I do have friends here now but it’s both an expensive area and not that nice (outer London).

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 19/06/2023 11:29

It sounds like you just want to play happy families with the new boyfriend.

Their dad gets to spend Father's day with them because he is their dad.

They shouldn't have to rush home because of a meal with someone else. And even if they are 20 minutes/half an hour late, it shouldn't be the end of the world because it's only every other weekend.

If it's a 2 hour drive there could easily be traffic/ they had to stop off to use a toilet/get a drink which could add time onto the journey too.

I actually can't believe how ridiculous you sound. I feel sorry for your ex and your kids if you're always like this.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/06/2023 11:30

Also this will get worse as they get to be older - and then teens - and have their lives around their main home. If my dd14 had to be in a whole different area EOW that would really suck for her.

OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 11:30

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 11:25

It's twice a month...

The more you post the more I think you just want any reason to cut the contact with their dad so you can play happy families with their step dad 24/7 instead.

Show quote history

Yep.

They're 4 and 7 and OP thinks her new partner is the man that is raising them and their Dad is an inconvenience to her happy family.

The DC being having a great time with their Dad and being upset coming home to the man who they don't see as their Dad is annoying and she'd rather exclude their Dad completely.

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 11:31

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:28

My partner has been in their lives for three years and as a friend before. He’s a more stable influence in their lives and is the one that pays for their home and helped me pick up the pieces when ex and I split.

It’s not just about the meal yesterday but about the kids being rushed and stressed and then tired for school on Mondays. If ex dropped them back on time that wouldn’t happen.

It doesn't matter if he's the world's greatest step dad. He isn't your children's dad. They have one already and they deserve a relationship with him. One that's not interrupted because mum was her new partner to play daddy instead now.

I get being late is annoying but it's really not the end of the world and to even consider demanding / insisting or anything else in regards to cutting your children's time down with their father because it's a slight annoyance twice a month would make you worse than your ex, much worse.

Original poster
BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:32

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/06/2023 11:30

Also this will get worse as they get to be older - and then teens - and have their lives around their main home. If my dd14 had to be in a whole different area EOW that would really suck for her.

When they’re teenagers it won’t be as important to have them home at 6pm but I expect they’ll go less because they’ll want to see friends. They’re already missing birthday parties and events with my family because of the contact ex insists can’t change.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 19/06/2023 11:32

So, the question is how can you make sure that someone is never ever late on a two hour journey? You can't. That's life. You know this.

This is more about the meal with the step dad that they were late for. Hopefully step dad wan't giving you grief because they were "late" and making it into an issue. This isn't about what's best for your children at all, don't kid yourself. You're the grown ups, behave like grown ups.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 19/06/2023 11:33

The title should have said "my ex sometimes manages to have the kids an extra hour a month and I don't like it. Would I be unreasonable to stop contact?".

BibbleandSqwauk · 19/06/2023 11:33

OP I have been in your shoes but others are right, you are making too much of this. I also know what you mean re emotionally unsettled. I used to call "re-entry". I absolutely did not plan a roast dinner, but had toasties or soup and bread, fishfingers etc. Nothing remotely likely to cause a row or not be eaten or time dependent. It would be eaten snuggled up on the sofa with cartoons on, then a bath with a story , pjs, milk and a biscuit and bed. I'd make sure all uniform, kit, bags etc for the following day we're ready and breakfast would be likewise easy and "nice". Their stepdad sitting down to a roast with them on father's Day or any other Sunday is way down the list of priorities here, when you have 26/30 days to cook from scratch, eat all together or whatever. Focus on them.