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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop contact if he can’t keep to the time?

412 replies

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:49

My ex has our kids every other weekend but he keeps dropping them back late. It’s supposed to be 6pm but he’s usually at least twenty minutes late. It’s a long drive so I have to give them their tea and get them ready for school on Monday.

AIBU to say he can’t have them if he can’t keep to 6pm?

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 19/06/2023 11:33

You're being ridiculous and any judge would rightly hand you your arse on a plate if you tried to stop contact over this.

HelloSunshine12 · 19/06/2023 11:33

Like others, this is not the bill to die on. It's 20 minutes. If he was bringing them back at 9pm yes that's a bigger issue, but not 20 mins late.

I wouldn't want to eat a big dinner late on a Sunday like that. I'd be having Sunday lunch at lunchtime on the Sundays you have them and do something fun that's childfree on the Sundays you don't have them.

BlinkeredBay · 19/06/2023 11:34

OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 11:30

Yep.

They're 4 and 7 and OP thinks her new partner is the man that is raising them and their Dad is an inconvenience to her happy family.

The DC being having a great time with their Dad and being upset coming home to the man who they don't see as their Dad is annoying and she'd rather exclude their Dad completely.

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Exactly with their DF out of the way, life would be much easier for OP and the SD.

You have your children to eat dinner with most of the month, why try and engineer another day because you want to be awkward?

Just give them a quick tea and into bath and bed then they won’t be so tired on Monday?

drpet49 · 19/06/2023 11:34

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 11:25

It's twice a month...

The more you post the more I think you just want any reason to cut the contact with their dad so you can play happy families with their step dad 24/7 instead.

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I agree. Not nice OP.

BungleandGeorge · 19/06/2023 11:35

What time do they go to bed? 6.40 really isn’t late and although annoying 40 minutes on a long journey isn’t particularly bad time keeping either. When my school age kids were doing activities they wouldn’t get home until 7 or after sometimes. Give them a sandwich at 6:40, followed by 30 mins story/tv wind down, bath at 7.30, they can be in bed by 8.30.

InTodaysNews · 19/06/2023 11:35

That's right op, put yourself before your kids, then punish the kids again by stopping them seeing their father in order to play happy families with your new bloke.
I mean, why not? It's only the kids and their own father, what do they matter!

ToastedSandwichLover · 19/06/2023 11:36

We went to court over contact, EOWend, return at 7pm, allowed 30 minutes grace for lateness so it's often 8pm before I get DD home, just the way it is.

aSofaNearYou · 19/06/2023 11:36

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:23

Even if he feeds them before he sets off, they’re still going to need something to eat before bed because the journey takes up to two hours.

You are being even more unreasonable now we know the journey is a long one. We come up against all sorts of traffic picking up and taking DSS home, believe me, it's not fun for us either! It's hard to arrive on the dot with a journey that long.

Screwballs · 19/06/2023 11:36

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:57

I’ve asked him to bring them back at 5pm instead but he won’t because he says he won’t give up time with them. But this isn’t what’s best for them.

What a load of crap, you already said you want your own time with them, that's why you are stropping, nothing to do with what is best for your kids. If he had them EOW then you already get ample time. 20 minutes is nothing, 40 minutes is hardly a big deal, grow up and stop making trying to justify a reason to make childish threats to the father of your children threats.

Parvolax · 19/06/2023 11:37

It’s so hard doing shared care, people who don’t have this set up don’t realise how bad it is for kids to be out of routine all the time. Mine used to spend all Sunday and Monday crying. But if he’s doing all the driving then I think you have a fair deal.

Original poster
BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:37

BungleandGeorge · 19/06/2023 11:35

What time do they go to bed? 6.40 really isn’t late and although annoying 40 minutes on a long journey isn’t particularly bad time keeping either. When my school age kids were doing activities they wouldn’t get home until 7 or after sometimes. Give them a sandwich at 6:40, followed by 30 mins story/tv wind down, bath at 7.30, they can be in bed by 8.30.

They go to bed at 7pm on school nights with me. It’s 8pm or later with their dad but that’s another story. If they get home at quarter to 7 there’s no time for tea, bath, TV, and settling them down at all

OP posts:
ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 19/06/2023 11:38

Go and pick them up and make sure they're home for 6 if you're so worried about them not being home on the dot but you're being completely unreasonable about it all.

Original poster
BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:39

Parvolax · 19/06/2023 11:37

It’s so hard doing shared care, people who don’t have this set up don’t realise how bad it is for kids to be out of routine all the time. Mine used to spend all Sunday and Monday crying. But if he’s doing all the driving then I think you have a fair deal.

He’s not, we do half the driving each. He won’t do every Friday because he wants to work. If he did every Friday and I did every Sunday this wouldn’t be a problem.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 19/06/2023 11:39

They go to bed at 7pm on school nights with me. It’s 8pm or later with their dad but that’s another story. If they get home at quarter to 7 there’s no time for tea, bath, TV, and settling them down at all

A 5 and 7 year old should be able to go to bed without all that faff on the occasional night they've been out late. Just a quick snack and pyjamas on, up to bed is enough.

PizzaPastaWine · 19/06/2023 11:39

You're being completely ridiculous and highly controlling.

Why don't you go and pick them up if you want then home on time?

To ruin a relationship between your DC and their DF over this is just crazy.

Your ex is allowing them to play/do homework etc. Sounds like they are doing a great job.

As for it bring Father's Day...the clue is in the name. Pick another day in the calendar where you can force appreciation of their step dad on them.

lechatnoir · 19/06/2023 11:40

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:23

Even if he feeds them before he sets off, they’re still going to need something to eat before bed because the journey takes up to two hours.

Be honest - up to 2 hours is the longest but regular time I'll be it's rarely over 1.5hrs and regardless, if a child has a meal at 5/6pm they don't need another full meal before bed - a piece of toast/fruit or yogurt would be plenty.

You are being difficult and obstructive and just don't like the fact your ex is disrupting your happy home life.

Screwballs · 19/06/2023 11:40

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:08

I’d rather it was 5pm or earlier but if it has to be 6pm then I can work around that but he’s always late. Last night I’d planned a special Father‘s Day dinner with their stepdad but they got back so late it was ruined.

Can I insist on it being 5pm and then if he’s late and it’ll actually be 6pm?

Screw the step dad! It's fathers day and they were with their father! Who the actual hell are you?!

Daddy inconveniencing you now you've got a new fella to make pretend happy families with?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 19/06/2023 11:40

They go to bed at 7pm on school nights with me. It’s 8pm or later with their dad but that’s another story. If they get home at quarter to 7 there’s no time for tea, bath, TV, and settling them down at all

Of course there is, you just don't want it in to interfere with your precious new family:

Seeing their dad is more important than having settling down time 🙄

ConsuelaHammock · 19/06/2023 11:41

You’re being ridiculous!

OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 11:41

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:32

When they’re teenagers it won’t be as important to have them home at 6pm but I expect they’ll go less because they’ll want to see friends. They’re already missing birthday parties and events with my family because of the contact ex insists can’t change.

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That's what happens when you have kids and are no longer in a romantic relationship with the other parent.

You don't get to meet someone else and decide they're the Dad when they're not.

Your children have 2 parents who will always be their parents. That's fact.

Your DP has been around for 3 years and could leave tomorrow and has zero legal, financial or moral obligations to your kids. Or he could stay and be a great Step-Parent tull they're adults.

But that will not eradicate their actual Father who is in their lives and wanting to be.

You don't get to fuck off with your DC to play happy families with your new partner and try to erase their Dad.

clpsmum · 19/06/2023 11:42

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:08

I’d rather it was 5pm or earlier but if it has to be 6pm then I can work around that but he’s always late. Last night I’d planned a special Father‘s Day dinner with their stepdad but they got back so late it was ruined.

Can I insist on it being 5pm and then if he’s late and it’ll actually be 6pm?

No you can't and you're right yesterday was Father's Day. Listen to yourself. Their Stephen is not their dad. You're absolutely vile if you stop contact because he's less then an hour late every week

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 19/06/2023 11:42

They go to bed at 7pm on school nights with me. It’s 8pm or later with their dad but that’s another story. If they get home at quarter to 7 there’s no time for tea, bath, TV, and settling them down at all

It's twice a month...

Really you want to jeopardize your children's relationship with their father because twice a month it makes it a bit harder for you?

Is he a dick for being late all the time? Yes.
Would you be even worse for cutting contact or shortening it for this? Yes.

GuinnessBird · 19/06/2023 11:42

You sound absolutely awful OP.

They have a dad, their step-dad is insignificant.

MuggleMe · 19/06/2023 11:42

If you share driving, could he pick up from yours and you pick up from his? That way you can be sure you're home in plenty of time. And you get the journey home to connect.

melj1213 · 19/06/2023 11:43

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:37

They go to bed at 7pm on school nights with me. It’s 8pm or later with their dad but that’s another story. If they get home at quarter to 7 there’s no time for tea, bath, TV, and settling them down at all

Show quote history

YABU and making a mountain out of a molehill.

A 5 and 7 yo should be able to push their bedtime to 8pm once or twice a month on their dads weekend - if they get back at 6pm then great there's time for the whole routine before a 7pm bedtime; if they get back later then the routine gets shortened (a quick tea then bedtime with a shower in the morning) or they go to bed a bit later (full routine with bedtime pushed back an hour).