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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my mother husband becoming obsessed with my DD

312 replies

IECW22 · 18/06/2023 22:12

For starters we've never really got along. Hence why I worry I am BU.

He has no children, him and my DM married about 7 years ago. He's a busy body. Will sit staring at his ring doorbell footage of an evening and moan about what his neighbours are up to. Last year he complained to the local council that a neighbour had a paddling pool out in their front garden for their DC (they have no back garden) and it overhung an inch and wanted it resolved "immediately". He reported an old boy for parking his mobility scooter which overhung slightly. Just has to be inconvenienced by everything that doesn't actually inconvenience him. We just clash. We didn't speak for some time because I just could not deal with him, until I accepted a meet when I was pregnant to make thing easier for my DM.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad". I just didn't say anything for an easy life during a really difficult pregnancy.

My Dd is 11 months old. And yes he loves her and that's fine. But recently things have become difficult.

He has took her for a walk in her pram a few times which I did appreciate as could get her food cooked bottles sorted ect but would come back and say how he walked down the high road with her and she would start saying "love you grandad" .... she can't even say dog yet. I asked my mum and she just stated he loves her. I said yes but it is a lie. And then whilst on a day out with me, baby, my DM and her husband someone commented on her dress and he said in the direction of baby "yes grandad bought it for you" and the lady said "oh that's nice of grandad" and he proceeded to ask "ha do you think we look alike?" .... you are not related by blood firstly and secondly you look like a different species all together.

And yes he does buy her a LOT of dresses (an insanely large amount) and I'm not ungrateful she just cries every time she's put in a dress as she can't crawl. I've explained this. But I get the demands from my DM and her husband on a bloody WhatsApp group they've created for a photo of her In said dress. Like I have nothing else to do but put my daughter in what resembles a wedding dress every day for her to cry for me to then take it off. If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "*** has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

The next part. So they've been asking for a sleepover with her and i'm not convinced. So I said let's trial one a few times, but I will stay also but just put her cot in your room.

Baby slept like a dream, he gets up the next morning stating how tired he is. I asked why and he said he was up till gone 4am....again I asked why, he said oh because I was watching her sleep to make sure she's okay.....you stared at her for 9 hours?

He keeps saying things like "oh when me and your mum go out people think I'm her dad" this just is not the truth. Unless they're incredibly short sighted. I just wouldn't be surprised if he tells people he is.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths and I got a nasty message from him which I only skim read. So I blocked him on WhatsApp, phone/text. I then got an EMAIL from him so blocked that too. Just checked out my next door app.....and have a message on there. I've not said they can't see baby anymore I just said I need some space from him as we clash, but basically. It's all gone off. But is my general dislike for him clouding my judgment? My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

OP posts:
Hallmark1234 · 18/06/2023 22:20

No YANBU at all! Tbh I think it sounds a bit creepy......buying her fancy dresses and wanting to see photos of her. I wouldn't let her stay overnight, or let him be with her alone. Sorry if that sounds a bit paranoid, but I don't think you can risk it.

ChocolateCoveredCookie · 18/06/2023 22:20

Listen to your gut.
She isn’t a doll or a possession to be dressed up, paraded about or have a turn of playing happy families with.

Vgbeat · 18/06/2023 22:23

I'll probably be in the wrong camp but I think he's probably just being sweet. He's no children of his own and something he's probably not thought would happen has come along and made his day. Lots of kids have no one looking out for them and have crap relationships with grandparents. He clearly dotes on her. He may not be your cup of tea but it does sound like he's trying.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 18/06/2023 22:25

I don’t find it creepy but it sounds overbearing. I think you’ve done the right thing in trying to step back

Flopsythebunny · 18/06/2023 22:26

I think he sounds creepy

IECW22 · 18/06/2023 22:26

@ChocolateCoveredCookie it's the gut feelings thats got to me

OP posts:
Ace56 · 18/06/2023 22:28

Yes I would definitely step back a bit, it sounds like he’s a bit over invested. Also why on earth do grandparents need a sleepover alone with a baby? Whose benefit is this for?

IECW22 · 18/06/2023 22:32

@Ace56 I also don't understand the constant sleepover requests, they live 2 roads away from me. There is no need for a sleepover. I did the trial to appease and the one time I hoped the baby wouldn't sleep through the night, she was solid

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 18/06/2023 22:35

No way would I leave my baby daughter with him. No way.

He’s over investing and creepy. Keep your antennae up.

Just reading your post gave me the “ick.”

friedgoldeggs · 18/06/2023 22:35

Your gut instinct is there for a reason OP. It does sound very overbearing and weird.

YukoandHiro · 18/06/2023 22:37

Fucking weird. Listen to your gut. Protect your baby. I wouldn't let him be alone with her tbh.

Tilllly · 18/06/2023 22:37

Stratocumulus · 18/06/2023 22:35

No way would I leave my baby daughter with him. No way.

He’s over investing and creepy. Keep your antennae up.

Just reading your post gave me the “ick.”

Same

PonyPatter44 · 18/06/2023 22:41

Babies don't need to be left aline with anyone, unless Mum is happy with it. This man sounds distinctly weird so trust your gut and don't leave your DD unsupervised with him or your DM for now.

Careerdilemma · 18/06/2023 22:42

IMHO the only reason for doing a sleepover for a baby is if its mother wants or needs a break. They shouldn't be subject to the stress of being separated from their primary caregiver just because someone wants to play babies.

ClareBlue · 18/06/2023 22:45

If you feel something isn't right don't ignore it or try to rationalise or explain to anyone. It's the most fundamental of protective instinct and is very rarely wrong.

ClareBlue · 18/06/2023 22:48

And your partner is thinking the same...

Littlelovebug · 18/06/2023 22:49

Creepy. Go with gut

kweeble · 18/06/2023 22:52

The dresses and expectation of photos would bother me. She’s not a doll and deserves to be comfortable. I wouldn’t want him as a grandad either - I suggest you see your mum alone.
It could be grooming and you don’t trust him or like him so why would your daughter have him play a big part in her life?

Holly60 · 18/06/2023 22:52

Well one of your daughter's parents doesn't want him too close to her. So that's surely decided then?

AzureBlue99 · 18/06/2023 22:53

He is creepy. I would keep her away from him completely. Don't worry about his hurt feelings. Her safety is your priority. Even if he wasn't a creep, he's a controlling dick.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 18/06/2023 22:53

Yeah no to any unsupervised contact here.

He sounds grim.

VestaTilley · 18/06/2023 22:54

YANBU. Keep him well away from your DC. He’s no relation to her and he sounds bloody creepy.

NO sleepovers, no unsupervised access. This is how abuse happens. You don’t even really know this man, and you’ve never liked him. Your DM can scream all she likes: keep him away.

Screamingabdabz · 18/06/2023 22:56

He is overstepping boundaries and that in itself is a massive red flag. As pp have said, she is not a doll. She has her own human dignity and rights and needs. But you are her only protection. Do NOT let your dd be vulnerable in his company. It may be nothing but the risk is too costly.

ClareBlue · 18/06/2023 22:58

Those examples you give about his behaviour watching video footage of neighbours and complaining about extremely trivial things show a really controlling personality.
Why did you not like him before you had your daughter. Did he give you the creeps?

Avondale89 · 18/06/2023 22:59

Don’t leave her with him, it’s just not worth the risk. He sounds very odd.