Is my mother husband becoming obsessed with my DD

[IECW22]

For starters we've never really got along. Hence why I worry I am BU.

He has no children, him and my DM married about 7 years ago. He's a busy body. Will sit staring at his ring doorbell footage of an evening and moan about what his neighbours are up to. Last year he complained to the local council that a neighbour had a paddling pool out in their front garden for their DC (they have no back garden) and it overhung an inch and wanted it resolved "immediately". He reported an old boy for parking his mobility scooter which overhung slightly. Just has to be inconvenienced by everything that doesn't actually inconvenience him. We just clash. We didn't speak for some time because I just could not deal with him, until I accepted a meet when I was pregnant to make thing easier for my DM.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad". I just didn't say anything for an easy life during a really difficult pregnancy.

My Dd is 11 months old. And yes he loves her and that's fine. But recently things have become difficult.

He has took her for a walk in her pram a few times which I did appreciate as could get her food cooked bottles sorted ect but would come back and say how he walked down the high road with her and she would start saying "love you grandad" .... she can't even say dog yet. I asked my mum and she just stated he loves her. I said yes but it is a lie. And then whilst on a day out with me, baby, my DM and her husband someone commented on her dress and he said in the direction of baby "yes grandad bought it for you" and the lady said "oh that's nice of grandad" and he proceeded to ask "ha do you think we look alike?" .... you are not related by blood firstly and secondly you look like a different species all together.

And yes he does buy her a LOT of dresses (an insanely large amount) and I'm not ungrateful she just cries every time she's put in a dress as she can't crawl. I've explained this. But I get the demands from my DM and her husband on a bloody WhatsApp group they've created for a photo of her In said dress. Like I have nothing else to do but put my daughter in what resembles a wedding dress every day for her to cry for me to then take it off. If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "*** has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

The next part. So they've been asking for a sleepover with her and i'm not convinced. So I said let's trial one a few times, but I will stay also but just put her cot in your room.

Baby slept like a dream, he gets up the next morning stating how tired he is. I asked why and he said he was up till gone 4am....again I asked why, he said oh because I was watching her sleep to make sure she's okay.....you stared at her for 9 hours?

He keeps saying things like "oh when me and your mum go out people think I'm her dad" this just is not the truth. Unless they're incredibly short sighted. I just wouldn't be surprised if he tells people he is.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths and I got a nasty message from him which I only skim read. So I blocked him on WhatsApp, phone/text. I then got an EMAIL from him so blocked that too. Just checked out my next door app.....and have a message on there. I've not said they can't see baby anymore I just said I need some space from him as we clash, but basically. It's all gone off. But is my general dislike for him clouding my judgment? My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

@HeadacheEarthquake As he mother was also in the room i sincerely doubt that happened and am sure he was just saying that to emphasise how much he loves her.
Like I said- don't put child at risk and always supervise. However, I think it's wrong to assume he is abuser just because he's male and eccentric....he 's probably just a quirky old man.

I'm pretty sure 'quirky old man' is the kind of language my granny used to describe creeps.

Given the numbers of male child sexual abusers vs the numbers of female child sexual abusers, this is a ridiculous claim. As pp said, male strangers brought into the family circle are THE threat to children.

This is what happens when women marry strange men!

You clearly have NO idea of how many children tell tales of being sexually touched in plain sight of family members, such is the arrogance of pedophiles.

But he isn't actually related to op's daughter is he? He's not even been a step father to op so I don't see how he can possible see the child as his granddaughter. At best he's deluded.

Do you honestly not see an issue with any of his behaviour?

@Catsmere there's plenty of female enablers. It's absolutely ridiculous to assume someone is a pedo just because they are not the social norm. he may have some form of personality disorder or autism. My mom is very weird but she has bipolar. Abusers are usually very good at hiding their true vile selves.

"Quirky old man".....official code for creepy old man that likes to paw children and touch them inappropriately.

Could be a nonce, could be just exceptionally weird. Why take the risk?

I wasn’t talking about enablers - no argument there, I think OP’s mother is, at least unwittingly, doing just that. I’m talking about the actual child rapists, the men - and so often the boyfriend or stepfather, or in this case, step grandfather. Claims he’s autistic or has personality disorder don’t cut it. His other behaviour is creepy af even before his focus on OP’s daughter.

He sounds creepy and totally overbearing.

The constant trying to contact you when you have made it clear he is blocked is out of order.

He's not even related to her. Protect your daughter.

Whether he is an actual paedophile or not, OP the fact that you don’t like him and state that you never have - is enough reason for you to not allow him access to your daughter when one of her parents is not present.

He is not your child’s grandfather and you owe him nothing.
He should feel honoured to be included in any family gatherings and be treated like family. Any more than this is overstepping boundaries - yours and your mother’s.

1.trust your instincts
2.trust your instincts
3.trust your instincts

Why would he be feeling unconditional love for the daughter of someone he doesn’t seem to like or get on with? It’s not normal.

It’s a question of balancing risks here. The worst that could happen if OP denies him
access is that this person she doesn’t like feels a bit annoyed. Whereas the worst that could happen if she gives him the access he seems to want is that her daughter is sexually abused. I know what I’d choose.

So no abuse could have happened because dm was asleep in the same room ? Oh my days how naive...

It's a big fat no from me.

The dress part creeped me out a bit and the whole watching her while she sleeps for the whole night.

He could be fine but how could you know for definite if you're not always there. Your baby can't tell you what's happening (however much he thinks she can talk).

He's not her grandad, he's lying about things, and won't leave you alone when he clearly knows you've blocked him and don't want to talk.

What does your mum say about it all?

100% leave the what's app group. Don't share any more photos. Never put her in a dress or outfit he has bought. Don't let him have any influence or sense of ownership over her, he is not and should not be a primary caregiver. He isn't her grandad. You don't like him. Your mum sounds vulnerable and controlled. Don't let her stay with them or go for a walk or anything. It's a shame you can't have that bit of help, but it's just not an option now.

Nothing about what he does is normal even for a grandad. I've never known a grandad buy a dress for a baby. It feels like he's trying to make himself an indispensable part of your and her life, that will set precedents, make you feel obligated. I think he is trying to groom you too, and the anger and multiple messages across lots of channels proves he is not a stable person with a normal relationship with you. He honestly shouldn't really care about your baby daughter! Why would an old man care about an unrelated baby of a partners daughter he doesn't even get on with?! If he liked and loved you it might be vaguely understandable. He is viewing your dd as a separate entity he wants access to. Don't allow it

no again you are jumping to abuse. i said i very much doubt he stood their watching her for 9 hours given her mom was in the room. 9 hours lol

If OP’s mother was asleep there’s no knowing what he did. At the very least he’s lying, pushing this idea of himself as involved with the baby. It’s another red flag.

Listen to your gut. You're getting creepy vibes, so stay away.

Remember, mothers are literally DESIGNED to be hyper-tuned-in to any threat around their child. That's how the human race survived. If a feeling you can't quite pin down is telling you to keep your child away from this man, then do it.

Did you know him when you were a child, was he involved in your life, a father figure? You say they married 7 years ago but we're perhaps together longer. Was he always doting on babies? Does he have any children of his own?

Just seems VERY strange that he would feel so connected to a grandchild whose mother he doesn't get on with and potentially has little emotional connection with.

I've never heard of anything like it.

Why is he insisting that the baby sleep over?

Why is he constantly buying her outfits that look like wedding dresses?

Why is he always demanding photos and if you don’t do a photo, he sics your mother on you to tell you you’d better do what he says?

Why does he act like he’s her father, that other people supposedly think so, and says that she looks like him?

Op, RED FLAGS. He is a creep. Do not allow your baby around him unsupervised by you. And no sleepovers. I mean, WHY?? If it were me, I’d have nothing to do with him whatsoever. I’d allow your mother only supervised visits because she is clearly foolish and is a total minion for Creep.

Respect your intuition. Your daughter’s well being and safety are much more important than appeasing a frankly foolish mother whose sole purpose in life is to make people obey the Creep’s disturbing demands.

Never let him around your child again. You should not have allowed him to keep her in his room all night. He’s very weird and creepy. There is no good reason in the world for him to have your baby daughter overnight. And as she gets older, protect her from him, no overnights, no visits with him alone. Red flags galore.

Your gut is never wrong. He's being creepy with her. Trust your instincts

You and DP stand your ground.

Your Mum knows her partner has repeatedly overstepped and now there will be a consequence that affects her; her contact with baby will be limited and entirely on your terms.

Her partners behaviour has caused a position where she has to choose him or her blood family.