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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mother husband becoming obsessed with my DD

312 replies

IECW22 · 18/06/2023 22:12

For starters we've never really got along. Hence why I worry I am BU.

He has no children, him and my DM married about 7 years ago. He's a busy body. Will sit staring at his ring doorbell footage of an evening and moan about what his neighbours are up to. Last year he complained to the local council that a neighbour had a paddling pool out in their front garden for their DC (they have no back garden) and it overhung an inch and wanted it resolved "immediately". He reported an old boy for parking his mobility scooter which overhung slightly. Just has to be inconvenienced by everything that doesn't actually inconvenience him. We just clash. We didn't speak for some time because I just could not deal with him, until I accepted a meet when I was pregnant to make thing easier for my DM.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad". I just didn't say anything for an easy life during a really difficult pregnancy.

My Dd is 11 months old. And yes he loves her and that's fine. But recently things have become difficult.

He has took her for a walk in her pram a few times which I did appreciate as could get her food cooked bottles sorted ect but would come back and say how he walked down the high road with her and she would start saying "love you grandad" .... she can't even say dog yet. I asked my mum and she just stated he loves her. I said yes but it is a lie. And then whilst on a day out with me, baby, my DM and her husband someone commented on her dress and he said in the direction of baby "yes grandad bought it for you" and the lady said "oh that's nice of grandad" and he proceeded to ask "ha do you think we look alike?" .... you are not related by blood firstly and secondly you look like a different species all together.

And yes he does buy her a LOT of dresses (an insanely large amount) and I'm not ungrateful she just cries every time she's put in a dress as she can't crawl. I've explained this. But I get the demands from my DM and her husband on a bloody WhatsApp group they've created for a photo of her In said dress. Like I have nothing else to do but put my daughter in what resembles a wedding dress every day for her to cry for me to then take it off. If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "*** has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

The next part. So they've been asking for a sleepover with her and i'm not convinced. So I said let's trial one a few times, but I will stay also but just put her cot in your room.

Baby slept like a dream, he gets up the next morning stating how tired he is. I asked why and he said he was up till gone 4am....again I asked why, he said oh because I was watching her sleep to make sure she's okay.....you stared at her for 9 hours?

He keeps saying things like "oh when me and your mum go out people think I'm her dad" this just is not the truth. Unless they're incredibly short sighted. I just wouldn't be surprised if he tells people he is.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths and I got a nasty message from him which I only skim read. So I blocked him on WhatsApp, phone/text. I then got an EMAIL from him so blocked that too. Just checked out my next door app.....and have a message on there. I've not said they can't see baby anymore I just said I need some space from him as we clash, but basically. It's all gone off. But is my general dislike for him clouding my judgment? My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

OP posts:
Duckswaddle · 19/06/2023 08:54

Yeah definitely trust your instinct, it’s too much and very creepy. He doesn’t need to be alone with your daughter. Is it worth the risk to appease some weirdo you don’t like or trust? It’s giving me the creeps just reading about it.

Pugdogmom · 19/06/2023 08:58

Trust your instinct, but this man sounds as creepy as fuck.
I would have as little to do with him as possible and if you do interact, she's never out your sight.

Nclktnntt · 19/06/2023 08:59

My moms always said trust your mothers instinct. Never second guess it. I live by the rule of trusting your gut. Which when I'm a mom will also be my mothers instinct (pregnant just now).

I agree it sounds creepy - especially to demand pics of her in the dresses, if you pop her in one for the day or an event it's normal to send the pic across but to be demanded - she's not a doll! Especially as she doesn't like it so no! Absolutely not.

He might be trying to hard with your daughter to try making it up to you or show he's changed, maybe? I dunno. But it's overbearing and weird. I think you're right to place a hold on things for now and maybe arrange to have a talk, lay down some boundaries and if they're happy with that visits can resume (carefully) - I also wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her overnight which is a shame but it's just too strange for my liking.

You and your husband know what's best for your daughter - trust each other and trust yourselves.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/06/2023 09:01

ClareBlue · Yesterday 22:45
If you feel something isn't right don't ignore it or try to rationalise or explain to anyone. It's the most fundamental of protective instinct and is very rarely wrong”

This, absolutely.

Zanatdy · 19/06/2023 09:01

Agree it’s a bit over bearing but I don’t think it’s creepy or weird. He loves your baby, that’s surely a good thing

Embarra55ed · 19/06/2023 09:04

Also in reply to the pp who said OP’s strong dislike of him is colouring this - it’s perfectly ok for the OP not to hand her baby over to someone she strongly dislikes, even if her strong dislike is totally irrational. She owes him nothing.

Appleblossompetal · 19/06/2023 09:09

If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "* has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

He sounds very overbearing, and frankly quite controlling of your Mum. They need to be able to respect your boundaries and back off a bit. If they can’t, you are right to insist on some
more space.

MzHz · 19/06/2023 09:10

Flopsythebunny · 18/06/2023 22:26

I think he sounds creepy

i found it creepy too, from the outset

however, even if I haven’t thought he was creepy his behaviour since @IECW22 had a word with her mother IS mega creepy.

MotherofGorgons · 19/06/2023 09:12

Omg this is so creepy. Stay away.

Catsmere · 19/06/2023 09:16

Fandabedodgy · 19/06/2023 08:02

Many of these things are done by loving grandparents every day.

The dresses thing is annoying.

But otherwise your strong dislike for him
Is colouring everything.

He’s not her grandparent. He’s a creep who tries to get strangers to say she’s his daughter, ffs.

wineschmine · 19/06/2023 09:18

Yuck.

Reading that gave me a horrible feeling.

I don't like the sound of him at all. If it were me, absolutely no sleepovers. And I wouldn't want him being alone with her. Are there plans for your mum to do childcare when you are back at work?

Sorry, I just think he sounds like a creep. Maybe that's an overreaction on my part, but even just going on the facts, the fact that he EMAILED you when you blocked his number....he doesn't respect your boundaries. He won't respect your daughters either.

Yuck, sorry Sad

wutheringkites · 19/06/2023 09:18

Op, you're not overreacting, based on what you've said, I actually think you've been too accommodating so far.

The fact you've allowed a man you don't like convince you to leave your baby in his room overnight makes me think you're all being groomed by him.

Nevermind31 · 19/06/2023 09:21

You don’t like the man. That alone should be enough not to give him access (any access, never mind unsupervised or overnight) to your daughter - he is not a relation, and if your mum and him were to split up you wouldn’t see him again.
tell them thanks for the dresses but DD doesn’t like them much, and she is no model, so she wont be Modeling them.
he (and your mum) are not thinking about what is best for the baby, it is all about them.
so I would cool the relationship until it fades, and never ever hand your daughter to him

thespy · 19/06/2023 09:24

All this isn't normal, so you aren't wrong to keep him at arms length and be firm with boundaries. Your Mum won't like it, but she should have married someone who doesn't behave like a creepy fucker. Obviously I have no way of knowing what his motivation is, but he clearly doesn't respect you and that on its own is enough of a reason.

MotherofGorgons · 19/06/2023 09:24

Always, always go with gut instinct.

Sunnydaysareuponus · 19/06/2023 09:34

Dresses aside .
Creepy behaviour aside... Op YOU not liking him is enough of a reason to not give him access to your dd. Trusting your gut is a must. Dm can do one imo.

BellyBeGone · 19/06/2023 09:35

The more I think about this, the more I can’t believe you’ve actually facilitated this man getting so close to your young daughter.
Why on earth did you allow her to sleep in the same room with him?

You don’t even like this man, you owe him nothing. And even if you did, he has no claim over your child.

Sound like he has already started to groom her. Safeguard your child ffs, who cares who you upset?!

TennisWithDeborah · 19/06/2023 09:40

Is he a harmless but irritating oddball, or is he a paedo? Hard to tell. But you need to err on the side of caution and assume he’s a danger.

Your mother will not be a reliable third party so don’t leave DD alone with them.

Naunet · 19/06/2023 09:40

Please trust your gut. My mum didn’t and it meant I was abused until I was 8 years old, something that has a major impact on my life everyday and will until I die. I’m NOT suggesting he’s abusing her, but he’s certainly acting inappropriately, so why take the risk when you owe this man nothing at all.

MotherofGorgons · 19/06/2023 09:43

So sorry @Naunet about your experience. Totally agree that the risk is not worth taking. I come from a culture where extended families and passing children around between close relatives is common, but my dad was very protective, and now I think he was so right to never let me out of his sight until i was much older.

jojo2202 · 19/06/2023 09:44

sad how so many people automatically jump to him being a nonce. If it was a grandmother acting like this it would just be an over excited granny. he's never had kids, it's all new for him and he's probably never felt unconditional love before.

I'm not saying put your child at risk, always be present with them but give him benefit of the doubt.

HeadacheEarthquake · 19/06/2023 09:47

jojo2202 · 19/06/2023 09:44

sad how so many people automatically jump to him being a nonce. If it was a grandmother acting like this it would just be an over excited granny. he's never had kids, it's all new for him and he's probably never felt unconditional love before.

I'm not saying put your child at risk, always be present with them but give him benefit of the doubt.

Did you miss the part where he stared at her sleeping for 9 hours, insists she said a sentence at 10 months old and sent the OP abusive messages, email AND the nextdoor app?

Hiddenvoice · 19/06/2023 09:47

I think he is being overbearing. He’s not had any of his own children and perhaps using your daughter to do things he missed out on.

Hiddenvoice · 19/06/2023 09:50

The rest of my post deleted for some reason.

I think he’s being full on and I would also find it really annoying! I think you need to say to your mum and him that dresses are cute but a bit impractical right now with her crawling. Thank them for buying clothes but you don’t need lots of dresses and if they want to buy something then maybe rompers or leggings are better for her.

Explain you’re busy and can’t take lots of pictures to post but will share a picture regularly if what she gets up to instead of posed dress ones.

my parents watched my baby overnight and didn’t sleep either. They were not used to having a baby and also watched her overnight. They also moaned about being tired the next day which j pointed out was their own fault not the baby.

Mamai90 · 19/06/2023 09:50

The liklihood is that he just adores in a natural way her BUT I think you should go with your gut. Even if there's a small chance that something isn't right it's not a risk worth taking.