Is my mother husband becoming obsessed with my DD

[IECW22]

For starters we've never really got along. Hence why I worry I am BU.

He has no children, him and my DM married about 7 years ago. He's a busy body. Will sit staring at his ring doorbell footage of an evening and moan about what his neighbours are up to. Last year he complained to the local council that a neighbour had a paddling pool out in their front garden for their DC (they have no back garden) and it overhung an inch and wanted it resolved "immediately". He reported an old boy for parking his mobility scooter which overhung slightly. Just has to be inconvenienced by everything that doesn't actually inconvenience him. We just clash. We didn't speak for some time because I just could not deal with him, until I accepted a meet when I was pregnant to make thing easier for my DM.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad". I just didn't say anything for an easy life during a really difficult pregnancy.

My Dd is 11 months old. And yes he loves her and that's fine. But recently things have become difficult.

He has took her for a walk in her pram a few times which I did appreciate as could get her food cooked bottles sorted ect but would come back and say how he walked down the high road with her and she would start saying "love you grandad" .... she can't even say dog yet. I asked my mum and she just stated he loves her. I said yes but it is a lie. And then whilst on a day out with me, baby, my DM and her husband someone commented on her dress and he said in the direction of baby "yes grandad bought it for you" and the lady said "oh that's nice of grandad" and he proceeded to ask "ha do you think we look alike?" .... you are not related by blood firstly and secondly you look like a different species all together.

And yes he does buy her a LOT of dresses (an insanely large amount) and I'm not ungrateful she just cries every time she's put in a dress as she can't crawl. I've explained this. But I get the demands from my DM and her husband on a bloody WhatsApp group they've created for a photo of her In said dress. Like I have nothing else to do but put my daughter in what resembles a wedding dress every day for her to cry for me to then take it off. If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "*** has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

The next part. So they've been asking for a sleepover with her and i'm not convinced. So I said let's trial one a few times, but I will stay also but just put her cot in your room.

Baby slept like a dream, he gets up the next morning stating how tired he is. I asked why and he said he was up till gone 4am....again I asked why, he said oh because I was watching her sleep to make sure she's okay.....you stared at her for 9 hours?

He keeps saying things like "oh when me and your mum go out people think I'm her dad" this just is not the truth. Unless they're incredibly short sighted. I just wouldn't be surprised if he tells people he is.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths and I got a nasty message from him which I only skim read. So I blocked him on WhatsApp, phone/text. I then got an EMAIL from him so blocked that too. Just checked out my next door app.....and have a message on there. I've not said they can't see baby anymore I just said I need some space from him as we clash, but basically. It's all gone off. But is my general dislike for him clouding my judgment? My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

There's a total lack of respect for both you and your DD here, it's all about what your DM and her husband want. Explain clearly that your DD doesn't like wearing dresses and you're not forcing her into them just to please them, as others have said she's a person, not a doll. There's also no need for them to have sleepovers unless you need a break or a babysitter, they're not entitled to any access to her and I'd be telling them that they won't be having any unsupervised access to her until they can respect what you want and feel comfortable with. You need to stand up for yourself and your DD, he sounds overbearing and your mum doesn't sound much better if she's expecting you to appease him.

Leaving babies/small children overnight isn’t the norm at all.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad".

That remark in itself is very creepy. Why? Access to child?

He sounds controlling and over invested in everything and to need that focus

at the moment it’s your dd. He just isn’t the sort of person you want around. First it will be be the odd overnight then weekends then how he does things is better than how you do etc

you have to nip this is the bed now, it’s on your terms at yours when you are there and you just have to deal with the fall out and there will be one but you will feel better for not allowing him to take control

He sounds like a paedophile and I'd be extremely concerned that he's done something already. He was watching her sleeping all night? Like hell he was..... Oh god I feel sick

This, all of this.

OP, keep your daughter away from him. No contact at all, I’d say. There are so many red flags here. This all sounds like grooming and creepy doesn’t begin to describe it.

Worrying dynamic between him and your daughter. He is grooming her to be 'grandad's special girl', through his clothes purchases, the untruths he tells to others about her. Personally I would never leave her alone with him and minimise the time he spends with her. Definitely no sleepovers and no lone outings. He may just be a creep, but his behaviour is so strange I wouldn't risk it.

It's creepy. No two ways about it.

Detach and keep your distance from him.

I think you have to go with your gut, because she's a baby and she has no one but you (and her other parent, if in the picture) to protect her. If he IS a creep and would hurt her, the likely consequences to her are much worse than the consequences to him if he's not a creep and wouldn't hurt her but might get his feelings hurt by your pushing back/not letting them see the baby alone. (He's an adult; he'll be OK.) Plus the fact that he and your mother are pushing both your daughter's and your boundaries (insisting on the dresses that neither of you want) for his own purposes and resisting when you push back isn't a great sign.

Revolting, isn’t it? He’s got nonce written all over him.

If you do up contact you need firmer boundaries. - Can you not buy her dresses she's not a fan. No we don't need sleepovers yet. Etc be very clear.

Absolutely none of this behaviour is in the best interests of your daughter. It’s all about what he wants.

Why are constant photos of her in a dress more important than the fact that she’s uncomfortable and doesn’t want to be in the dress, and it’s massive PITA for you? What is he getting out of that, exactly?

So - because none of what he’s doing is in your daughter’s best interest, and because his needs and wants are constantly being prioritised, they don’t get to be trusted to be in sole charge of your daughter.

It’s no more or less simple than that.

At best, this man see your DD as a plaything. At worst, god only knows what, but the vibes are as creepy as hell. Especially given what you’ve shared about his antagonist behaviour with the neighbours etc.

I wouldn’t allow sleepovers, time alone with him, get rid of the dresses, and I’d definitely put some distance between yourselves and him. What this will mean for your mum I don’t know, but please follow your instincts.

@IECW22

My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

I would listen to your partner and your own gut feeling in this. If your mother and her husband don't like you putting space between your child and them that's for them to deal with. Their behaviour, especially his, sounds quite intrusive and manipulative. I would not leave my child with this man or with your mother, who enables his behaviour. 🌹

Good for you. Say what you mean clearly!

I wouldn't let him near a child of mine. It's just niggling my spidey senses. No to sleepovers and I'd certainly not have him be known as grandad- he's Bill or Steve or whatever his name is. Make that distinction and emphasise the distance early.

No need for a baby to have a sleepover unless you need that to happen- and you don't. If asked just say you're not ready to be away from her. I also wouldn't entertain packing up to spend the night two streets away just for them to play house. You tried it once, no need again.

The dress thing is weird. However if you wise him & your mum up to this he might swap to more practical clothes and in this instance, I'd hate that more as no legit reason to avoid putting Dd in them. Stick the lot on vinted and say no to any more dresses. Just say you have enough of everything so they should really save their money. If they still ask for regular pics- just be very busy.

I would 💯 not be doing sleep overs or alone time. Unrelated males are most likely to abuse a child. He’s being odd and possessive over her, and not respecting your boundaries (bugging for photos, overnights) or hers (not liking dresses). I’m normally a very relaxed person in many ways, but I do undergo a lot of safeguarding work in my role at university, and this is setting off my alarm bells. The gradual erosion of boundaries is a tactic of people who go on to do other more serious violations. I’m not necessarily saying that he’ll abuse her, but if he feels he has a right to her, he may start deciding how to punish her, or how to comfort her, in ways that cross your boundaries and/or hers.

You need to reassert your boundaries and protect your dd. Stay firm.

If he has a tantrum or gets cross, or puts undue pressure on your mum or you when you assert boundaries like no overnights until she’s older, then that’s a more worrying sign. If he accepts your boundary making and asserting as a mother, when your dd can talk, you can reintroduce more contact and intimacy.

Listen to that feeling. You’ve done the right thing. Your mum sounds like a fool, too, who could not be relied upon to protect your daughter.

This in spades.

I think it is good its come to a head actually. It makes it easier to redraw firm boundaries. No trial overnights or real ones.

Fall out with mother and let her estrange herself If she wants.
also continually remind yourself that your mother CANNOT be trusted. She does not have you dds interests or safety at heart.
she would have ANY unsupervised access on a permanent basis as she clearly cannot be trusted to respect your wishes. Creepy husband would not be in the same room as my child supervised or not for 5 years +.

Any more of the stupid dresses from him or via her and I'd refuse to accept or give them back.

I was totally clear from day 1 i would not put my dd in anything uncomfortable. I returned and exchanged anything that was . Both my mum and my mil got a scratchy restrictive outfit, my mum got the message, mil got upset and then got the message. Everything is stretchy cotton now!

Definitely no to sleep overs.

Sorry but yes, he does come across as creepy and I'd be making sure they don't have alone time. He's not her grandad, he's her Nan's husband - here's a difference. You don't owe him a grandchild.

No more dresses and pictures in dresses. Dress her in what you want her in and what she's comfortable in.

Next time he says something about looking like the dad, just say, "sorry, you're a generation older, people will know you're not the parent". He sounds incredibly annoying.

Your judgement isn't clouded by your dislike of him. Your dislike of him is for good reasons.

His (and your dm's) response to you blocking him after HE sends you a nasty email tells you everything you need to know about what they think of you and your boundaries.

He sounds horrible and your dm sounds like a poor judge of character who would take his side over yours however much in the wrong he is.

Run. A. Mile.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths.

What's your mum done wrong?

Usually I'd suggest taking on board opinions of all posters as we all have unique views and opinions and often you can get the most well rounded ideas of what to do.

Ignore everyone and everything besides that gut feeling. It's literally saving your daughter from some fucked up, creepy and potentially predatory behaviour.

That feeling in your belly is telling you everything you need to know and you'll never forgive yourself ignoring it and excusing his bizarre behaviour should he ever harm your precious DD.

Most abusers of children are family members. Dad's, grandads, uncles and sadly more often "step" version's of the above.

I'm sorry you're in such a horrid situation, but please, never leave her with DM or him. Its really got my heckles up reading this and ultimately, over 1 in every 30 men (statistics change regularly) are sexually attracted to children, this creepy behaviour at best. I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer.