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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my mother husband becoming obsessed with my DD

312 replies

IECW22 · 18/06/2023 22:12

For starters we've never really got along. Hence why I worry I am BU.

He has no children, him and my DM married about 7 years ago. He's a busy body. Will sit staring at his ring doorbell footage of an evening and moan about what his neighbours are up to. Last year he complained to the local council that a neighbour had a paddling pool out in their front garden for their DC (they have no back garden) and it overhung an inch and wanted it resolved "immediately". He reported an old boy for parking his mobility scooter which overhung slightly. Just has to be inconvenienced by everything that doesn't actually inconvenience him. We just clash. We didn't speak for some time because I just could not deal with him, until I accepted a meet when I was pregnant to make thing easier for my DM.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad". I just didn't say anything for an easy life during a really difficult pregnancy.

My Dd is 11 months old. And yes he loves her and that's fine. But recently things have become difficult.

He has took her for a walk in her pram a few times which I did appreciate as could get her food cooked bottles sorted ect but would come back and say how he walked down the high road with her and she would start saying "love you grandad" .... she can't even say dog yet. I asked my mum and she just stated he loves her. I said yes but it is a lie. And then whilst on a day out with me, baby, my DM and her husband someone commented on her dress and he said in the direction of baby "yes grandad bought it for you" and the lady said "oh that's nice of grandad" and he proceeded to ask "ha do you think we look alike?" .... you are not related by blood firstly and secondly you look like a different species all together.

And yes he does buy her a LOT of dresses (an insanely large amount) and I'm not ungrateful she just cries every time she's put in a dress as she can't crawl. I've explained this. But I get the demands from my DM and her husband on a bloody WhatsApp group they've created for a photo of her In said dress. Like I have nothing else to do but put my daughter in what resembles a wedding dress every day for her to cry for me to then take it off. If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "*** has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

The next part. So they've been asking for a sleepover with her and i'm not convinced. So I said let's trial one a few times, but I will stay also but just put her cot in your room.

Baby slept like a dream, he gets up the next morning stating how tired he is. I asked why and he said he was up till gone 4am....again I asked why, he said oh because I was watching her sleep to make sure she's okay.....you stared at her for 9 hours?

He keeps saying things like "oh when me and your mum go out people think I'm her dad" this just is not the truth. Unless they're incredibly short sighted. I just wouldn't be surprised if he tells people he is.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths and I got a nasty message from him which I only skim read. So I blocked him on WhatsApp, phone/text. I then got an EMAIL from him so blocked that too. Just checked out my next door app.....and have a message on there. I've not said they can't see baby anymore I just said I need some space from him as we clash, but basically. It's all gone off. But is my general dislike for him clouding my judgment? My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

OP posts:
Totorosfluffytummy · 18/06/2023 23:00

As I was reading I guessed you were going to say he had asked for a sleepover too.

He is prioritising himself not your child and he doesn't sound emotionally stable. I definitely wouldn't leave my child with him if I were you.

Nongatron · 18/06/2023 23:13

Please go with your gut. Do not leave your daughter with this man. Reading your post gave me the fear

FictionalCharacter · 18/06/2023 23:13

ChocolateCoveredCookie · 18/06/2023 22:20

Listen to your gut.
She isn’t a doll or a possession to be dressed up, paraded about or have a turn of playing happy families with.

This. And say no to the "sleepovers".

GwenTenPenny · 18/06/2023 23:15

He is fucking creepy and never let them have sleepovers. Seriously.

GwenTenPenny · 18/06/2023 23:15

She’s far too young anyway. Reassess when the kid is six or seven.

Cammac · 18/06/2023 23:16

He sounds as mad as a box of frogs!

Re the dresses - Sell them on Vinted and put the money in a savings account for your dd.

Re the sleepovers - just refuse. You are the parent. Nobody can force you to drop your child off at someone else’s for the night, against your better judgement.

DinaFox · 18/06/2023 23:27

What is this obsession people have with having sleepovers with very young babies? His behaviour is very creepy. He sounds territorial and obsessive with your baby-I'd steer clear.

Watchthedoormat · 18/06/2023 23:34

I'd not leave her alone with him. At all.
Certainly no sleepovers and stop the walks out with her.
It sounds grooming.
He's already groomed your Mum.

CarpetSlipper · 18/06/2023 23:40

Your daughter comes first. Absolutely no reason for her to stay over if they are two streets away unless you really need someone to have her overnight.
Also, you say you don’t like him. This is enough of a reason not to have him around her. You don’t have to spend any time appeasing someone you don’t like at the expense of yourself and your daughter.

Celia42 · 18/06/2023 23:41

The constant requests for pictures in different dresses just doesn't sit right with me. Trust your instincts, it's far better that you offend your mum and her husband than appeasing them and potentially risking your daughter's safety.

Thelnebriati · 18/06/2023 23:44

Its not just him; do not let your Mum have your daughter out of your sight either.

Duckingella · 18/06/2023 23:45

To be blunt I'm getting noncey vibes here;I'm extremely wary of the dress buying and wanting photos of her in them;knock that on the head and allow zero unsupervised access with her.

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/06/2023 23:48

I do think he sounds creepy. I have never known a grandfather go out and buy dresses for his grandchild, never mind someone who isn't a grandfather. I wouldn't let her call him grandad. I wouldn't put it in the dressers and wouldn't accept them. Definitely no sleepovers. There is no reason for him to be involved in a sleepover at all, particularly given his creepy behaviour when she did sleep there.

babbscrabbs · 18/06/2023 23:49

Trust your gut.

My DC didn't do a sleepover with anyone until they were at least 3.5 years old and fully verbal. There's no obligation. You get to decide.

ExtraOnions · 19/06/2023 00:11

Do you think he’s a Paedophile ? I’m assuming that’s what you mean by “trusting your gut” and giving you the “Ick”. It’s important that you are honest about it, don’t dress things up in “neighbours paddling pools” when you think he has an inappropriate interest in young children.

Ring Doorbell and reporting the neighbours is nothing to do with anything …. It’s not even anything to do with you.

What was it you said to your mum ? When you told her some truths ?

MsRosley · 19/06/2023 00:13

Absolutely100% creepy. Over my dead body would he have her over for sleepovers.

JFDIYOLO · 19/06/2023 00:19

Gut reactions are there for a reason - they are about our survival and our children's. Your partner is not comfortable with this, either. His Spidey senses are clanging, too.

Why do they want sleepovers, anyway??

You're the parents. Just say no to any more.

suburbophobe · 19/06/2023 00:31

Just say no.

What with his weird obsession about neighbours and his overbearing interest in your daughter - the dresses - he sounds an utter weirdo.

Your partner has picked up on it too. Good.

BellyBeGone · 19/06/2023 00:37

No fucking way would my child be left with him. He sounds like a pervert.

Protect your daughter.

givememoremoremore · 19/06/2023 00:42

It made me go cold reading this.
Alarm bells went off in my head.
Trust your gut always.
Keep your baby girl safe and close to you.

momonpurpose · 19/06/2023 00:53

This is extremely odd and I'd put some distance. And when they do see each other I'd keep it very limited

brassbells · 19/06/2023 00:55

Get DD to call him FRANK or whatever his name is not grandad

Does she have an actual grandad otherwise?

My own lovely Grandfather was widowed and remarried years before I was born anyway his 2nd wife we called her by her first name. With Aunty before it so Aunty Ethel.

She was a lovely lady and very much like a grandmother but we never actually questioned why she was called AUNTY ETHEL not grandmother.

So children will call someone whatever you tell them to call them.

We had other Aunty and Uncles that were not actually related but family friends of our parents

However in your DD case with this man you could drop the uncle bit though, to distance this man from your DD

So just refer to him as FRANK not uncle Frank

Agree with others do not let the sleepovers happen alone without you or DH in her room

VintageBlossomHill · 19/06/2023 01:11

very very creepy. I would not allow any unsupervised contact with him or your Mum. Your mum diesnt sound like someone with good judgement. Contact with him would be kept to none or very little. I would carefully plan visits at times when he has other stuff on and I refuse/bin all his dresses

Nutsabouttopic · 19/06/2023 01:15

Please please please listen to your gut. It's what will protect you and your daughter. I have no bother upsetting people if I think that there's something unsettling in a situation. I have been asked out straight " Do you think I'm a paedophile ". My answer" I don't know but I'm not taking a chance to find out". Fall out with people, offend people, upset people. It's worth it to keep your daughter safe. You and your partner are uneasy, there's a reason. Keep your daughter safe and don't feel guilty about your mother

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 19/06/2023 01:17

Listen to your partner on this one. Way too creepy.