Is my mother husband becoming obsessed with my DD

[IECW22]

For starters we've never really got along. Hence why I worry I am BU.

He has no children, him and my DM married about 7 years ago. He's a busy body. Will sit staring at his ring doorbell footage of an evening and moan about what his neighbours are up to. Last year he complained to the local council that a neighbour had a paddling pool out in their front garden for their DC (they have no back garden) and it overhung an inch and wanted it resolved "immediately". He reported an old boy for parking his mobility scooter which overhung slightly. Just has to be inconvenienced by everything that doesn't actually inconvenience him. We just clash. We didn't speak for some time because I just could not deal with him, until I accepted a meet when I was pregnant to make thing easier for my DM.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad". I just didn't say anything for an easy life during a really difficult pregnancy.

My Dd is 11 months old. And yes he loves her and that's fine. But recently things have become difficult.

He has took her for a walk in her pram a few times which I did appreciate as could get her food cooked bottles sorted ect but would come back and say how he walked down the high road with her and she would start saying "love you grandad" .... she can't even say dog yet. I asked my mum and she just stated he loves her. I said yes but it is a lie. And then whilst on a day out with me, baby, my DM and her husband someone commented on her dress and he said in the direction of baby "yes grandad bought it for you" and the lady said "oh that's nice of grandad" and he proceeded to ask "ha do you think we look alike?" .... you are not related by blood firstly and secondly you look like a different species all together.

And yes he does buy her a LOT of dresses (an insanely large amount) and I'm not ungrateful she just cries every time she's put in a dress as she can't crawl. I've explained this. But I get the demands from my DM and her husband on a bloody WhatsApp group they've created for a photo of her In said dress. Like I have nothing else to do but put my daughter in what resembles a wedding dress every day for her to cry for me to then take it off. If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "*** has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

The next part. So they've been asking for a sleepover with her and i'm not convinced. So I said let's trial one a few times, but I will stay also but just put her cot in your room.

Baby slept like a dream, he gets up the next morning stating how tired he is. I asked why and he said he was up till gone 4am....again I asked why, he said oh because I was watching her sleep to make sure she's okay.....you stared at her for 9 hours?

He keeps saying things like "oh when me and your mum go out people think I'm her dad" this just is not the truth. Unless they're incredibly short sighted. I just wouldn't be surprised if he tells people he is.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths and I got a nasty message from him which I only skim read. So I blocked him on WhatsApp, phone/text. I then got an EMAIL from him so blocked that too. Just checked out my next door app.....and have a message on there. I've not said they can't see baby anymore I just said I need some space from him as we clash, but basically. It's all gone off. But is my general dislike for him clouding my judgment? My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

A less than 11 month old baby can say "love you grandad"? It's been a while since I've had a baby but that seems quite advanced to me.

Only supervised contact and that includes your mum as she’s clearly on his side and can’t be trusted to not leave her alone with him. He’s probably just being overbearing and awkward but it all does sound a bit creepy and uncomfortable.

They may just be overexcited at having a grandchild. However, they don’t get to decide what she wears etc. Also the staring for nine hours? Weird.

From now onwards, supervised visits only. Don’t pamper to their whims about what she wears. Take control of the narrative.

Nope. As a mother your gut feeling is not to be ignored, you are doing the right thing to limit access to your child. He sounds deranged/obsessive and it's all about him and his needs - kids don't work like that. And the dresses are freaky.

Alas it sounds a little like what we experienced, mine are adults now and avoid him unless with their dad (it's ex's step dad, well man his mum married after ex left home) they still find him creepy though there's actually no reason why, just gut. He's weird, overbearing.

We just managed the situation with distance (never lived in the same city) and never allowed overnight (not convenient to us being 2 hours drive, it helps!)

He sounds like a right weirdo. You've done the right thing by blocking the creep.

I would not send a non-verbal child on a sleepover ever. With anyone.

Supervised contact only. Supervised by you - not your mother. No more pictures. They can see her wearing things. Make it clear, no more dresses from him- you have too many. I wouldn't relax this when she's older/talking. If he kicks off - even more worrying and a good excuse to stop contact. Pray the marriage fails. That would be my approach. Very difficult though.

Many of these things are done by loving grandparents every day.

The dresses thing is annoying.

But otherwise your strong dislike for him
Is colouring everything.

Absolutely this

No they aren't.

Loving grandparents negotiate a relationship with a child through the child's parents, and respect said parent's boundaries.

Just No! It all has weird vibes and I would not allow with either mum or stepdad.

But he’s not her grandparent. As far as the baby is concerned he is a random old man.

Should the OP agree to a random old man buying her baby dresses and demanding she wear them, lying about what the baby has done in his company, insisting on a sleepover with her baby in his room where he “stares at her” for 9 hours?

I am an extremely laid back person and open minded generally about people….but this man sounds very weird and I would not leave a baby or non verbal child in his company!

Absolutely trust your gut. I want to believe it's all innocent and well intentioned, but there's just so many red flags.

Asking someone "do we look alike?" suggests he's deluding himself that he's actually her granddad, which is worrying. As others have said, don't let her call him granddad. Be firm on this one.

I'd distance myself entirely from him tbh, but if you do have to see them, definitely no unsupervised contact. Agree with others, better to offend DM and her partner than to potentially jeopardise DD's safety.

No, I would not like this at all. I don’t think it matters is you offend him. He needs to back off. He’s not a blood relation and your baby is not his grand daughter. Keep up boundaries.

Also I very much agree with the poster who said non verbal children should not go on sleepovers. There is always a danger with sleepovers. And what are they for? It’s not for the child.

The way you already had described the situation tells you are defintely not finding it normal. If you would have believed differently the way of describing things he does you wluod have choose other words so you already know the answer. Don't feel bad just do what it feels OK to protect your baby😘

Anyone who demands sleepovers with someone else's baby is weird and creepy, my opinion but I feel strongly about it.

Don't leave your dd alone with him ever again

i wouldnt block him but i would stand up for yourself
a sleep over is not necessary
mute their messages about dresses

I would keep him away- no unsupervised time (not just no sleep overs, I mean I wouldn’t even leave them alone to go for a wee, or let her roam at a family party unless I knew where he was at all times).

I also wouldn’t let grandma baby sit or take her out even if she promises he won’t be there- he will manage to manipulate or bully her into including him and not telling you til’ afterwards (or not at all).

Gross.

You need to put a lot more distance between you+your DD and your mum+step father.

Don't visit their house and fgs stop leaving her alone with him! You already know your mum will put this man first in everything so she cannot be trusted to protect you or DD unfortunately.
Meet your mum alone at a soft play or play park for example.

I never understand posts like this.

He's a creepy freak that you have never liked.

A freak your mother brought to your life 7 years ago, and yet you allow your precious baby be used by them both for entertainment.

He's absolutely nothing to her.

Your mother has awful judgement.

Why you would risk your child is beyond me.

Are you desperate for a night off?

Why would you allow this freak free reign of your child?

I do not get it.

Your gut is screaming at you that something is off, yet you have handed your child to him multiple times.

Your poor daughter, possibly put at risk.

He's a liar. He is completely untrustworthy, you know this by his lies, yet you hand your precious child over to him?

I wouldn't let him care for a cat, not to mind a baby.

Sounds completely weird and I would no way leave my kid alone with him.

At best he sounds creepy. At worst a full blown paedophile. You really don’t want to find out the hard way…

I would start by removing myself from the group WhatsApp he set up. And if your DM says anything just say Frank was getting so annoying mum, constantly begging for pictures, he really was starting to sound a bit creepy.
Then I would bag up all the dresses and sell them on vinted. And refuse point blank to put them on her. Your child not theirs, you get to decide how she is dressed.

And absolutely no more sleepovers. You could just say you don’t feel comfortable with her sleeping away from you. And stick to that. If DM really pushes you could add in that you find Franks behaviour creepy, and why was he watching her sleep for hours…

And I would not let either of them have unsupervised access. A brief visit, hopefully when he is at work… so you can leave when you want to. And try and distance yourselves.

And as others have said, do not allow DD to call him grandad. That should have been stopped right at the start… she should call him Frank, not even uncle Frank. This an just happens to be married to your mother. You don’t like him. You are getting a gut feeling that something is off…. So is your partner. Trust your instinct and keep your child away.