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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my mother husband becoming obsessed with my DD

312 replies

IECW22 · 18/06/2023 22:12

For starters we've never really got along. Hence why I worry I am BU.

He has no children, him and my DM married about 7 years ago. He's a busy body. Will sit staring at his ring doorbell footage of an evening and moan about what his neighbours are up to. Last year he complained to the local council that a neighbour had a paddling pool out in their front garden for their DC (they have no back garden) and it overhung an inch and wanted it resolved "immediately". He reported an old boy for parking his mobility scooter which overhung slightly. Just has to be inconvenienced by everything that doesn't actually inconvenience him. We just clash. We didn't speak for some time because I just could not deal with him, until I accepted a meet when I was pregnant to make thing easier for my DM.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad". I just didn't say anything for an easy life during a really difficult pregnancy.

My Dd is 11 months old. And yes he loves her and that's fine. But recently things have become difficult.

He has took her for a walk in her pram a few times which I did appreciate as could get her food cooked bottles sorted ect but would come back and say how he walked down the high road with her and she would start saying "love you grandad" .... she can't even say dog yet. I asked my mum and she just stated he loves her. I said yes but it is a lie. And then whilst on a day out with me, baby, my DM and her husband someone commented on her dress and he said in the direction of baby "yes grandad bought it for you" and the lady said "oh that's nice of grandad" and he proceeded to ask "ha do you think we look alike?" .... you are not related by blood firstly and secondly you look like a different species all together.

And yes he does buy her a LOT of dresses (an insanely large amount) and I'm not ungrateful she just cries every time she's put in a dress as she can't crawl. I've explained this. But I get the demands from my DM and her husband on a bloody WhatsApp group they've created for a photo of her In said dress. Like I have nothing else to do but put my daughter in what resembles a wedding dress every day for her to cry for me to then take it off. If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "*** has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

The next part. So they've been asking for a sleepover with her and i'm not convinced. So I said let's trial one a few times, but I will stay also but just put her cot in your room.

Baby slept like a dream, he gets up the next morning stating how tired he is. I asked why and he said he was up till gone 4am....again I asked why, he said oh because I was watching her sleep to make sure she's okay.....you stared at her for 9 hours?

He keeps saying things like "oh when me and your mum go out people think I'm her dad" this just is not the truth. Unless they're incredibly short sighted. I just wouldn't be surprised if he tells people he is.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths and I got a nasty message from him which I only skim read. So I blocked him on WhatsApp, phone/text. I then got an EMAIL from him so blocked that too. Just checked out my next door app.....and have a message on there. I've not said they can't see baby anymore I just said I need some space from him as we clash, but basically. It's all gone off. But is my general dislike for him clouding my judgment? My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

OP posts:
Scyla · 22/06/2023 20:49

Good for you.

There's adults at baby activities to meet and chat with, you will have fun that way.

HeadacheEarthquake · 22/06/2023 20:56

Good for you @IIECW22 ! It will get easier - and I know we aren't voices per se but we are here to keep you company

AlfietheSchnauzer · 22/06/2023 23:17

IECW22 · 22/06/2023 20:41

@AlfietheSchnauzer thank you for asking. I'm okay. It's been an adjustment period and been quite emotive but me and baby are all good. Nursery has today been finalised.

My mum was the one to come round and help me while I prepped my little girls meals ect but I'm just adjusting to managing my time better. I am shattered. I've found the whole experience very isolating. All my friends are obviously at work as is my partner when I'm home.

I've just been taking my girl out of the home, took her to soft play yesterday and swimming today. She has her 12 month health assessment Thursday and her jabs tomorrow and both doctor and health visitor have been briefed and don't feel I need to go in sooner as she has no symptoms but they've offered me a baby check so I'll be going into the doctors half an hour earlier tomorrow. Like I said I do feel quite isolated and don't feel I speak to any adults between 7am and 6pm. But I'd rather speak baby language and know she is safe. So me and baby are enjoying each others company at the minute

I too am very isolated though my daughter is 8yrs old. I'm at home all day every day and have no friends to speak to. Please feel free to PM me! FlowersGinBrew

Catsmere · 22/06/2023 23:36

All strength to you, OP.

Embarra55ed · 23/06/2023 00:31

Well done OP! Hope you get something sorted with work as that will give you a change of scene and some adult company. And mum and baby groups are good as well, or just chatting to other parents at the park. You can definitely do better than your creepy stepdad and sadly deluded mum in the friends department!

Willmafrockfit · 23/06/2023 06:12

i hope you can find some baby/toddler groups to make friends

superplumb · 23/06/2023 08:06

Nah he's a creepy fuck. I'd not leave her alone with him. She isn't a doll to dress up. I get some grandparents love little girls esp if they've had boys but your step dad is weird..really really weird.

MotherofTerriers · 23/06/2023 09:46

It might be worth asking at your health check about baby groups near you - they may well have a list. Getting out and about with other mums and babies would help you feel less isolated

AnalLysis · 23/06/2023 14:57

Well done OP I’ve just read the whole thread and this can’t be have been easy for you. If you haven’t already, I’d ensure any photos of her are taken down from SM or anywhere he or your mother could access them, especially the ones of her dressed up in the clothes he bought her.

brassbells · 23/06/2023 15:44

Does "Frank" have access to any other children in your family?

If so, perhaps have a gentle word with the parents

FictionalCharacter · 23/06/2023 16:15

Very good point. However if the photos were posted to the WhatsApp group, he would most likely have downloaded them already.
One of the many weird, creepy and staggeringly abnormal things about this is that one of the dresses was like a wedding dress.

AnalLysis · 23/06/2023 16:27

FictionalCharacter · 23/06/2023 16:15

Very good point. However if the photos were posted to the WhatsApp group, he would most likely have downloaded them already.
One of the many weird, creepy and staggeringly abnormal things about this is that one of the dresses was like a wedding dress.

Agreed, I’m thinking more of damage control at this point if he plans to pass any photos on. It’s awful we have to think this at but it’s the world we live in. Sad

BellyBeGone · 23/06/2023 18:41

@IECW22 How did you get on at the doctors today OP? Hope all went well.

You’re doing the right thing.

I remember feeling so very isolated when my DC were that age. But sometimes it just has to be done, it’s your job to protect them. That’s the price of being a mother I think.
It does get easier 💐

CaroleSinger · 23/06/2023 19:11

That guy feeling is your instinct telling you something doesn't sit right with this. It's like a 6th sense. Well done for listening to it. Many people don't, and they live to regret it.

Catsmere · 23/06/2023 23:06

FictionalCharacter · 23/06/2023 16:15

Very good point. However if the photos were posted to the WhatsApp group, he would most likely have downloaded them already.
One of the many weird, creepy and staggeringly abnormal things about this is that one of the dresses was like a wedding dress.

Oh fuck. How much louder could he scream “nonce”?

Batalax · 23/06/2023 23:16

Definitely trust your gut.

Prettypromise · 24/06/2023 06:15

If he wants a child so bad, him and your mother should have their own 😂

Jantlet · 24/06/2023 08:48

Any sign of Frank on here OP? (It’s not an exhaustive list and certainly no substitute for Claire’s Law):

https://uk-database.org/

UK Database

The UK database is the only public & free online sex offender register for the UK & Ireland

https://uk-database.org/

FictionalCharacter · 24/06/2023 16:30

Catsmere · 23/06/2023 23:06

Oh fuck. How much louder could he scream “nonce”?

And claiming the baby said “love you grandad” when she can’t talk! It’s all absolutely sickening.
I wonder if any of the PPs who were making excuses for him and saying he’s just being sweet and loving have changed their minds yet.

Catsmere · 24/06/2023 23:24

FictionalCharacter · 24/06/2023 16:30

And claiming the baby said “love you grandad” when she can’t talk! It’s all absolutely sickening.
I wonder if any of the PPs who were making excuses for him and saying he’s just being sweet and loving have changed their minds yet.

I'm wondering the same thing.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 24/06/2023 23:52

@IECW22 How's things, OP? Keep going Gin

Emma8924 · 16/01/2024 23:56

He’s maybe a bit OTT but probably over excited to be part of a family. you… instead of having an adult conversation about boundaries you chose to block him on social media like a child… honestly just sit down and have a conversation jeeze it’s not hard.

AllAboardTootToot · 17/01/2024 04:11

Emma8924 · 16/01/2024 23:56

He’s maybe a bit OTT but probably over excited to be part of a family. you… instead of having an adult conversation about boundaries you chose to block him on social media like a child… honestly just sit down and have a conversation jeeze it’s not hard.

You’ve responded a pile of shit to a 7 month old thread. Bravo Einstein! 👏

Caroparo52 · 17/01/2024 05:47

Listen to your gut. Your partner has stated no sleepovers. He could be gaslighting your Dm so there may be trouble coming there too.
Under no circumstances go against your own wishes. Keep dd safe at all costs. He sounds over bearing a liar and a creep

garlictwist · 17/01/2024 06:16

Vgbeat · 18/06/2023 22:23

I'll probably be in the wrong camp but I think he's probably just being sweet. He's no children of his own and something he's probably not thought would happen has come along and made his day. Lots of kids have no one looking out for them and have crap relationships with grandparents. He clearly dotes on her. He may not be your cup of tea but it does sound like he's trying.

I kind of agree with this. You clearly don't like the guy (and he does sound annoying) and you clash, and this is all being brought to a head. I don't think he is sinister, just misguided. Maybe have this break and then come back and try and rebuild things.

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