To expect DH to get any job to contribute financially

[Sazzle2012]

My DH was made redundant just over 2 years ago. He got a large payout as he'd worked there a long time. That money helped go towards mortgage and bills but it ran out a year ago and DH is still unemployed and hasn't contributed anything financially.
In those two years though he's spent most days job hunting, he's had a handful of interviews for a variety of roles related to his career area which haven't gone anywhere. He's had career coaching, help from the job centre, help from me with his CV and getting him in for a chat with my boss for potential opportunities, and still nothing.
For context, after I'd had both DCs I didnt have a job to return to (I had been on a fixed term contract) so found some online work, and studied for a qualification while they were both preschool. This led to bigger contracts and I have worked full time in this industry for the past five years. The initial money wasn't great but enough for me to contribute, pay for holidays (basic UK ones) and stuff around the house. I paid for a new kitchen (old one was falling apart), carpets, beds, furniture for kids room, all of which he said we couldn't afford on his (then) salary.
Since he was made redundant, I have paid for most of the bills, plus a new bathroom and sofa. I've had to move jobs recently due to stress and will now earn a bit less.

Bills and mortgage have all gone up and I'm starting to stress about money.

I'm starting to feel really resentful about this situation. He says he's trying his best to find work but I have told him enough is enough and just find anything to bring in a bit of extra money to take the pressure off. I found work and a new career for myself from scratch while bringing up two young kids, so what's his excuse?!

AIBU to ask him to find any job now just to help us financially?

I agree that he needs to get a job. Any job. For a start he needs to get back into the discipline of working. How old is he?

Mid 40s. Was in a corporate role related to sales and marketing. When I say any job now, I really do mean anything, stacking shelves at supermarket, working at local tourist attraction over the summer. It would help his confidence and bring in some much needed cash!

What sector did he do sales in? What are his qualifications in marketing etc?

But yes you are right. Absolutely. We all should just be able to support ourselves and our families. Number one priority. Career goals and job satisfaction number two.

There are vacancies everywhere atm, it not all minimum wage. The tesco delivery drivers are every age range so he could easily get a job doing that. Even £500 a week is going to be a massive help I should think. And no, yanbu to expect him to get a job.

Id suggest he try and get some temp work through an agency. My DB did this for several months. He got work virtually every day. It pays well. If you need him to provide child care for inset days and school holidays he can make himself unavailable for that time

Tell him it’s that or maccas

What is going to be your childcare situation if he goes back to work? You need to add up what he could make in any job vs what you are saving in childcare

Thanks. It's reassuring others feel the same as me, I was thinking I was being unsupportive
He doesn't drive, which reduces some of the things he could do or locations to work at.

Also getting frustrated generally. If anything needs fixing around the house it usually falls to me to call someone in to fix it. This is still the case even though he has lots of time on his hands and I work full time. I do all the driving, sort out any holidays etc. I really do feell like I do a lot of heavy lifting in our house, which makes me feel more resentful that he's not bringing in any money either 😞

DC 1 is now at secondary school and DC2 older primary, so childcare not so much of an issue anymore.
Yes there will be summer holiday to consider but I work remotely so can 'keep an eye' on them when they're not at friends houses. I have family nearby who can help too.

Er stop doing the “heavy lifting” then. I don’t understand why some women continue to put themselves through this. You need to have a conversation about him helping out more as well, otherwise you’ll burn out. Best of luck to you both.

I can see where you're coming from but if I didn't do some of these things the house would be falling apart or we'd literally never go on holiday!

Why were you buying things like new bathrooms and sofas while he was without a job?

Absolutely he should get a job, and it would be the same for either parent, dad or mum. You need the money and there are job vacancies by the dozen. No one is entitled to just refuse to work unless the job happens to be in their preferred sector

Is there a reason he doesn’t drive? Are there jobs he can easily get to?

Because they were literally falling apart. It wasn't like it was a vanity projec.

I'd still have lived with the old ones if one of us was out of work

Is he intentionally flunking the interviews? I've had offers of more than a handful of corporate sales interviews over the last two years despite having no interest, nor experience, in sales.

Of course you arent being unreasonable. He needs to get an interim job, even if its not his ideal job to contribute. Its ridiculous that he's waiting for the perfect job and the only other option is not working whilst you pay for everything. Thats not fair at all. He can still apply to the jobs he wants whilst doing something else as a stop gap, its not either/or. I'd be raging if I was you.

This would piss me . What is the point of being married to him?
He is not doing anything to make life easier for you or your dc. You are still doing the ‘heavy lifting’
He doesn’t drive which means that you do all the family driving. He is not working which means you are struggling. He doesn’t take care of the house.
You are tired and stressed.. I just can’t understand why people put up with this shit. I really can’t

Realistically if he's been out of sales and marketing for two years he might need to accept that that career is over.

He ought to have got new qualifications to allow him to reposition within a commercial team...either specialising or updating his skills.

If you both accept this then it opens up a conversation about what next...I can see his resistance to doing something without prospects..what can he get paid for that could allow him to progress over time?

He sounds in massive denial about his prospects in sales and marketing if he is arguing that he is going to get a job in that area after failing to for the last two years.

You’re entirely missing the point. The OP is seeking advice about getting her DH back into work, not a snarky analysis of previous spending habits.

OP, he doesn’t want to work, not really. Nobody needs to be out of a job for two years. You really need to have a firm conversation with him - he should be ready to take anything by now.

Yes of course he should get a job. But it's also mind boggling to keep making big purchases when one person is out.of work.

Yanbu.

if I list my job I’d take ANY legal job to help contribute to the family while looking for a suitable role in my qualified field.

DH has said the same.

we couldn’t pay the bills on just 1 of our salaries and wouldn’t be entitled to any help, so it would be essential to get something, anything asap.

The longer he delays returning to work, any work, the harder it will be and could lead to all sorts of problems, e.g. relationship, financial, esteem, mental health, etc.

I know someone similarly cushioned from a substantial legacy after their business closed during lockdown - three years on the money has gone and still no job.

Holidays are lovely but if you're starting to worry about bills then they go to the bottom of the list.

I think you have bigger things to sort out

Why hasn't he been training in other fields while job hunting?

Has he been volunteering? A charity trustee or school governor for instance (if his ego needs the 'professional' box ticking)

YANBU. I'd be very, very resentful.