To expect DH to get any job to contribute financially

[Sazzle2012]

My DH was made redundant just over 2 years ago. He got a large payout as he'd worked there a long time. That money helped go towards mortgage and bills but it ran out a year ago and DH is still unemployed and hasn't contributed anything financially.
In those two years though he's spent most days job hunting, he's had a handful of interviews for a variety of roles related to his career area which haven't gone anywhere. He's had career coaching, help from the job centre, help from me with his CV and getting him in for a chat with my boss for potential opportunities, and still nothing.
For context, after I'd had both DCs I didnt have a job to return to (I had been on a fixed term contract) so found some online work, and studied for a qualification while they were both preschool. This led to bigger contracts and I have worked full time in this industry for the past five years. The initial money wasn't great but enough for me to contribute, pay for holidays (basic UK ones) and stuff around the house. I paid for a new kitchen (old one was falling apart), carpets, beds, furniture for kids room, all of which he said we couldn't afford on his (then) salary.
Since he was made redundant, I have paid for most of the bills, plus a new bathroom and sofa. I've had to move jobs recently due to stress and will now earn a bit less.

Bills and mortgage have all gone up and I'm starting to stress about money.

I'm starting to feel really resentful about this situation. He says he's trying his best to find work but I have told him enough is enough and just find anything to bring in a bit of extra money to take the pressure off. I found work and a new career for myself from scratch while bringing up two young kids, so what's his excuse?!

AIBU to ask him to find any job now just to help us financially?

Any job is better than no job. Far easier to job-hunt from employment; even the worst job shows a future employer transferable skills like grit, determination, resilience, flexibility.

Why do so many women on here put up with this shit?

I'd think it's likely to be very difficult to get a sales rôle without being able to drive.

i am afraid i lost all respect as soon as you said he ' was trying his best' and did not drive..what is it with perfectly able adults not learning to drive and expecting their partners to do it all ?
And i agree you get any job to make money while you search for the job you actually want...or you had both agreed he was the SAHP and thus he does that role properly
currently he is having a nice life at your expense

He's useless and is disrespecting you and DC
He's happy letting you do everything as then he doesn't need to step up.
He could register with an agency.
Some employers will pick up, but that is often Factory work
He needs to forget his previous career and focus on the here and now
Being a non driver does limit his options but if he was determined to work he'd find an way to start learning
I think it's time you gave him an ultimatum because he's adding nothing to your marriage

I understand your frustration.
My husband got made redundant and unfortunately didn't get much redundancy pay.
I said I was happy for him to take 6 months to apply for "dream" jobs as then his job seekers payments stopped.

It was nearly 10 years ago and I was lucky to be able to go full time.
He became a SAHP as well as job hunting we had a 2 & 3 year old and took on all the house stuff whilst I was working.

After his 6 months when his payments stopped we were struggling. We had to sit and discuss that he nedded to go earn money - doing anything at all.
Unfortunately I don't have the skills/qualifications for higher paid jobs so he had to get work.

He eventually took on supermarket delivery driver, and quiet enjoyed it for the 5 month's he did it whilst applying for & interviewing for other jobs.
It also helped his mental health as I think he was starting to get depressed being home everyday.

He eventually got something else he wanted and was able to move on.

I also did supermarket work for 12 months after I got made redundant during covid - it was easy and reasonably well paid, gave us "fun" money so we could actually go out as a family - and I could still apply for other jobs in the mean time.

YANBU at all expecting him to contribute in any way at all.

I'd struggle to have any respect for an adult who has to be forced to work by a partner, how do you put up with that?

OP - I know someone who is in a similar position and it's started pre covid so at least 3 years now, I can't see her husband ever going back to work as she makes it too easy for him to stay at home, their children are secondary so no childcare needed. Don't fall into that trap

If you apply for an unskilled job, you might not get it as the employer can see you would really be wanting something more high powered, and then they would have to go through the expensive recruiting process again.

If it's a temporary/agency position then that's not an issue at all. We were in a similar situation during covid where DH's very specific industry was suffering - he had no issues getting bluecollar jobs, they were biting his hand off and offering immediate promotions. So it really should not be a problem according to my experience.

I'd start making things uncomfortable for him. 'No darling we can't go on holiday until you get a job' sorry darling no more take aways' or new clothes ( except for the dc)

There are lots of unskilled jobs around at the moment, there's no excuse and he should be applying for anything. My dh got made redundant from a senior director level role, so he drove a truck until he could secure another job in his field.

I know a large amount of middle aged men who were promoted way way beyond their capabilities. Male privilege ensures that. When they lose their job, they try to go back on what they now perceive as their 'level', and struggle, because it was never their level in the first place.

The reality is harsh to accept for these men, but it is the reality.

I have no idea if that applies to your husband op, and this isn't meant unkindly, (for actually, it's not fair on these men), but as it is true for so so many, it might be worth facing reality.

£500 a week is a large sum for most people!

I don’t understand it at all. There would have been no holidays or treats provided by me if I had a partner who just sat on his arse not taking care of the house or kids. And I’d have given him maximum 6 months to find something in his field.

@Sazzle2012 you say he had a significnat redundancy payment which went towards the mortgage and bills (I assume with mutual agreement) but also that he hasn't contributed financially for two years?

Surely if he's used all of his redundancy pay towards mortgage and bills then that was his contribution for X period.

Not excusing the rest of it. He's the SAHP so should be pulling his weight accordingly 😌 and if he doesn't want to do this, he needs to find a job!!!

I’d qualify that with white Middle Aged male privilege. I’ve seen that happen in my work a lot but it doesn’t apply to all men.

Once there was even a younger guy who didn’t get the internal job promotion heal applied for - lost out to much older more experienced professionals - and sulked for months.

Can you actually afford for him to be a SAHP?
If yes, then he has to pick up your load.
If no, then he has to take any job and register for Jobseekers Allowance,
I did that when I was made redundant without any decent payout, took a minimum wage job when I could just to keep some money coming in (and to keep in a routine of working too).
The Job Centre offered courses on interview technique etc. back then - not sure what other help they might offer now.

He can't just do nothing.....

Really he needs to man up and get on with it. Also - not being able to drive at 40 is a huge red flag. Seems like he’s never really taken his responsibilities seriously.

Rightly or wrongly, I’m of the firm opinion that people should be able to drive and swim as part of life’s essentials (barring any physical impediment/disability of course).
There's something really unattractive to me about a grown adult not being able to drive and therefore at some poo T in life being reliant on other people to do it. The OP’s husband should have used the 2 years off to learn; it really would have improved his prospects especially in Sales I would have thought.

I earn pretty decent money online tutoring as a side hustle. You don't have to be a qualified teacher and the material is all prepared in advance. Could he do something like that? My situation is that it's a zero hours contract, but I can do as much or as little as I like. If I took on everything available and didn't have to work it around my "real" part time teaching job, I could easily make £1k a month doing it.

What does he actually bring to your life at this point?

Seems he is just a drain on your resources. He absolutely should be getting himself a job, any job! And pull his head out of his arse. There's no way he's getting another sales job after 2 years out of work and the fact he can't drive.

Your dh doesn’t work.
Can’t drive.
Doesn’t do diy.
When women need a few shifts to work around childcare they stack shelves, work in cafés, work in a factory.
Your dh needs to get his arse into gear.
The redundancy package was the perfect opportunity to get driving lessons.

He could have retrained and earned a degree in two years.

Why doesn't he drive?

You've not said anything positive about him or what he contributes to the family. There's no reason for him not to have found work, there's lots of jobs available at the moment. But why should he work? You're doing a brilliant job OP. Well done for running every aspect of the family home single handedly....so why are you with him? What does he contribute? Sounds like life would be easier and cheaper without him...

It's been 2 years. OK I epuld force someone to jump on the first job they see but seems to me he's being picky. Get him to work in a warehouse for 3 months. If nothing else he'll bring some money in and get fit. In 3 months time review things. Could mean a further 3 months in the warehouse.

Depends, if it's in a call centre you don't need to drive, I don't drive and I worked in outbound sales in a call centre for a year.

Yes he should be doing a bar job at this point.
For his faults, DH's job of 15 years came to an end, aged 40. I paid for retraining as he didn't have the funds (which caused a lot of tension at the time) but he was working 12 days after qualifying and has never stopped since.