To expect DH to get any job to contribute financially

[Sazzle2012]

My DH was made redundant just over 2 years ago. He got a large payout as he'd worked there a long time. That money helped go towards mortgage and bills but it ran out a year ago and DH is still unemployed and hasn't contributed anything financially.
In those two years though he's spent most days job hunting, he's had a handful of interviews for a variety of roles related to his career area which haven't gone anywhere. He's had career coaching, help from the job centre, help from me with his CV and getting him in for a chat with my boss for potential opportunities, and still nothing.
For context, after I'd had both DCs I didnt have a job to return to (I had been on a fixed term contract) so found some online work, and studied for a qualification while they were both preschool. This led to bigger contracts and I have worked full time in this industry for the past five years. The initial money wasn't great but enough for me to contribute, pay for holidays (basic UK ones) and stuff around the house. I paid for a new kitchen (old one was falling apart), carpets, beds, furniture for kids room, all of which he said we couldn't afford on his (then) salary.
Since he was made redundant, I have paid for most of the bills, plus a new bathroom and sofa. I've had to move jobs recently due to stress and will now earn a bit less.

Bills and mortgage have all gone up and I'm starting to stress about money.

I'm starting to feel really resentful about this situation. He says he's trying his best to find work but I have told him enough is enough and just find anything to bring in a bit of extra money to take the pressure off. I found work and a new career for myself from scratch while bringing up two young kids, so what's his excuse?!

AIBU to ask him to find any job now just to help us financially?

I'm in the same situation OP. I'm trying to keep things afloat but in debt every month. He will only look at certain jobs and won't 'just get any job'. I'm very resentful because he sits almost all day long and has his computer and TV on...and if I ask do any anything it's - 'I'm working on my CV'
He's become very lazy and used to it. 3rd child...and tbh I don't think marriage will survive long term. Sorry no solutions, but showing you're not alone

Instead of a holiday how about a course of driving lessons? Much more useful I'd have thought.

My husband was made redundant some years ago and hasn't worked since. The difference is that he became the SAHP. And by that I don't mean that he did the occasional school run. He took on the shopping, house work (though he always did most of that anyway), mental load with the house admin, all of it.

I don't ever feel like he's leaching, he's an equal partner because he contributes fully in a non-financial way.

This is what your husband should be doing OP. anything less is taking the piss and deeply unattractive.

Quite, and they are now. I'd paid for the other stuff previously after assurances from him that he'd find something. That hasn't happened so yes, we are now prioritising what we spend on.

Some courses are free when you're unemployed I believe. Don't know if any would be useful

This isn't attractive. He needs to step up.

Is there something else going on? Depression? What does he do all day- I know you say job hunting but that’s not a FT occupation for 2 years.

Yes he should get a job but the fact he hasn’t reached this conclusion himself already makes me think there’s something else.

He’s taking the piss. There are loads of jobs available, he seems to think he’s too good to do a lot of them. I’d find that impossible to respect and you need to be very clear he’s got to get the fuck on with getting paid work tomorrow.

2 years with no job at all? He's taking the piss! I'd be fuming with him. Tell him he has one month to get a job or he moves out. Where to? Well that's his problem, he'll have to stay at his parents or sofa surf. I bet he miraculously manages to get a job when he's forced to stand on his own two feet.

There's no way he's not been able to get any kind of job for 2 years. I'm all for supporting each other and picking up the slack but he's taking advantage. Lazy bastard! He's setting a bad example to the kids. You deserve better.

I know four men who have lost their well paid jobs in the last 3 years and have really struggled to find a new one. They're all in their late 40s / early 50s and I do think there is some ageism going on. Three of them are back in work now, one did eventually find something close to what he was doing before but the other two have ended up doing something completely different and lower paid - and yes, one was working at Tesco for a while (although he isn't any more). YANBU and he needs to be realistic about his options.

My dad was work shy, my mum tolerated it . I resented it hugely and lost a lot of respect for him. He didn't drive or do housework either. But he did DIY, grew veg and cooked. Those were his saving graces.
The distribution of labour between a couple is absolutely fundamental to its success/ failure. Theres no right / wrong really- just whatever works. But this set up is totally unfair and would drive anyone crazy. I can't add to what others have said, but you need to get him.to see that your whole relationship is at stake now. It's not a 'threat' its just the truth, because you could manage fine without him. He's a dead weight. Good luck OP.

Male pride often gets in the way of taking a "lesser" job to the one they had before. It tends to be women who prioritise putting food on the table.

I this is a difference in expectation between men and women.

I had a successful well paid career pre-children. Then did some self-employed work and communuty work. However, we got to a point where I needed to go back to having a proper job with a salary and pension. I found myself unemployable. Too old and female. I've had to take a role that is several grades below the equivalent I was on pre-children and I earn considerably less than I did half a lifetime ago, and that's without taking into account inflation. I get to be treated like an idiot every day and have to accept it. We need the money.

However, I cant imagine that many men would accept this. They'd feel entitled to the well paid role (and have more chance of getting it). There is no way my husband would take the humiliation of being patronised by people of a grade that he would have once managed.

So getting back to OP, perhaps her husband has to lower his expectations - but apparently this is a bigger ask for a man.

Thanks. It's reassuring others feel the same as me, I was thinking I was being unsupportive

No you weren't

No YADNBU. I know loads of very naice middle class people who have stacked shelves whilst they requalify. It actually pays reasonably well. He needs to start bringing some money into the house. I STRONGLY suspect that this might assist with lowering his expectations on the “main” job too…

He’s taking you for a mug. Tbh I don’t think it started out like this because I reckon he genuinely believed that he’d find a decent sales job within a year of redundancy. But time has passed, he has failed, and he now knows the score but is relying on your soft nature because he thinks he’s too grand for a role in a supermarket.

Ultimatum time. Tell him that he needs to be working by the end of next month because you’ll no longer be supporting him. Point out that if you divorced he’d have no choice.

He sounds like an extra child for you to deal with. I work and do everything at home but that’s because my DH died!

A friend of mine lost his job in sales (book publishing) in his 50s. He got a job in Waitrose and did gardening qualifications. He’s now a sought-after gardener still doing some shifts in Waitrose because he likes it.

There are so many rewarding things to do in life.

You have a lot of stuff that falls apart..reading you pp ..there is second hand on eBay too money can't be that tight.
But yes he needs to do more maybe realise he was made redundant because his job isn't needed in the same area anymore and retrain himself......and YouTube the house repairs....but then why should he if the wife does it anyway?

He's become useless hasn't he?

I'm guessing he's got used to being a kept man mooching around at home, looking at his phone and watching telly.

Time to shape up. Whether or not you can make him do that is another matter.

This happened to a couple close to me. She was(is) a high flying corporate boss, and not suited to being a home maker/taking a back seat in her career to do so. He took on everything; and whilst it was hard he was/is an incredible dad.

I wouldn't be happy having to carry the burden while he sits on his arse. There are plenty of jobs going, not necessarily highly paid but even 200 quid a week is better than nothing a week.
It may only have to be a stop gap until something better comes along

When someone's been out of work for 2 years without an obvious reason, it's a lot harder to get back. What that means pragmatically is that taking the shelf-stacking job makes it much more likely that he'll get back to something he'd consider appropriate. It shows he can still do a day's work, has the ability and willingness to turn his hand to anything etc. It also gives you more confidence doing actual work. When there are so many vacant roles, people who aren't working because they can't find the job for them stick out more.

In his situation, when I was made redundant I applied for countless jobs and found it really dispiriting. After I took a temp job, completely unrelated to my profession, suddenly I had two offers for jobs I wanted. It's frustrating but you have to assume that people looking at your CV will otherwise worry about the reasons.

What does he do all day? you seem to run the house, it would be job or leave for me.

Yes he should seek some form of work, even if that is temporary / low paid.

No it’s not normal to be unemployed for 2 years. Able bodied people should work outside the home unless the family can afford to have a SAHP and everyone agrees to have a SAHP.

Yes he should be doing nearly everything at home, as you are working.

2 years is too long. I think realistically 6 months of trying to get a similar level of job is probably sensible. Once it gets beyond that you need a reality check as the longer you’re out of the workplace the harder it is to return. Confidence drops, work routines are harder to return to etc. it is also generally much easier to get a job from employment rather than from a gap. At this point some income is going to be better than none. He is also too young in mid 40s to just quit work unless you’re loaded (which it doesn’t sound like you are). He’s got to think about pension as well as the here and now.