To expect DH to get any job to contribute financially

[Sazzle2012]

My DH was made redundant just over 2 years ago. He got a large payout as he'd worked there a long time. That money helped go towards mortgage and bills but it ran out a year ago and DH is still unemployed and hasn't contributed anything financially.
In those two years though he's spent most days job hunting, he's had a handful of interviews for a variety of roles related to his career area which haven't gone anywhere. He's had career coaching, help from the job centre, help from me with his CV and getting him in for a chat with my boss for potential opportunities, and still nothing.
For context, after I'd had both DCs I didnt have a job to return to (I had been on a fixed term contract) so found some online work, and studied for a qualification while they were both preschool. This led to bigger contracts and I have worked full time in this industry for the past five years. The initial money wasn't great but enough for me to contribute, pay for holidays (basic UK ones) and stuff around the house. I paid for a new kitchen (old one was falling apart), carpets, beds, furniture for kids room, all of which he said we couldn't afford on his (then) salary.
Since he was made redundant, I have paid for most of the bills, plus a new bathroom and sofa. I've had to move jobs recently due to stress and will now earn a bit less.

Bills and mortgage have all gone up and I'm starting to stress about money.

I'm starting to feel really resentful about this situation. He says he's trying his best to find work but I have told him enough is enough and just find anything to bring in a bit of extra money to take the pressure off. I found work and a new career for myself from scratch while bringing up two young kids, so what's his excuse?!

AIBU to ask him to find any job now just to help us financially?

What is his reaction when you suggest getting any job (bar work, cleaning whatever) in order to ease the finances?

My husband has never worked full time since I met him. Relied on his dad, benefits and now me. But I insist on him at least working part time - not sure I could have much respect for him otherwise (although he has tried to be unemployed!)

His job now is NMW and only 3-4 hours a day but at least he's shifting off the sofa and contributing something!

If you apply for an unskilled job, you might not get it as the employer can see you would really be wanting something more high powered, and then they would have to go through the expensive recruiting process again.
He also may not be successful if he shows an attitude about how he is too good for the job.
Hoping this would not be the case with OP's DH, but fearing there may be some self sabotage going on here. The longer you are out of work the harder it is to get back in the routine.

He is absolutely pathetic and beyond selfish to have not done this before now. Unbelievable.

What did you see in him? 😳

It’s really important he gets work soon because employers won’t look favourably at a two year work gap. It will get worse the longer he’s unemployed. I think a bit of tough love is needed here, he needs to get a job, ANY job, or move out.

Fuck me, I'd leave him. He sounds pathetic

For corporate roles ‘the job centre’ and their job coaches are not best positioned to help him back into work. He could take a temp role and while in an organisation demonstrate his worth and apply for roles that way. Or he can leverage the supportive network in LinkedIn. He needs to apply his selling skills to himself or be honest and say what he really wants. At the moment his actions don’t match his words of ‘wanting a job’ so you feel off kilter with your though processes. He needs to communicate honestly with you so you can plan together.

He needs to get a job by the end of the month, really. Any job. Once he’s in a job and earning then he can be a bit more picky with applications to what he’d prefer to be doing.

Also, stop doing the heavy lifting. If he’s unemployed he needs to be doing 100% of the house roles.

If that means nothing gets done and no holidays, so be it. He either wises up and picks up the slack or he can move back with his parents and be a man-child there instead.

It’s been two years. You need to really be blunt that this shit can’t continue on any longer.

I’d find it hard to have any respect for a man like this. He could have got a job a year ago, he just didn’t want to because he saw himself as too good for “basic” roles. Now it’s backfired on him.

My brother in law was made redundant from a sales job and faffed around for 6 months until my sister gave him an ultimatum. He grudgingly applied to train as a bus driver, got accepted, and now loves it.

This is it.

There’s so many people who got a stop-gap job in a shop or similar and then got their dream role, but actually ended up keeping on a few hours in the shop job because they liked it or it’s extra money.

So many of us have to work jobs we are overqualified for but because it makes sense at the time as well. I am overqualified for my current role but it works great because I have super flex shifts and two young kids. I can work around family obligations and still can contribute financially, top up my pension and I won’t end up with a huge unemployment gap on my CV. As soon as my kids are in school I’ll be looking at new roles but until then, it suits me down to the ground.

There is literally no excuse for a healthy, 40 year old man not to have a job for 2 years.

Law firms are recruiting everywhere for BD/Sales/Marketing and salary is decent.

I don't think he purposely was like this at the start after losing his job but the more knock backs he got, the longer it went on, the lower he got and his confidence is gone. He's now on antidepressants.

He does seem to have a real issue in not doing particularly well at interviews. He was really excited about one last week, felt it went well and again got told someone scored better than him. It's so frustrating as this keeps happening.

I think we need to decide now, is he going to be a SAHP and pick up the load or is he going to actually get some form of employment, cos as many of you have said, this situation isn't right and has to change.

I had some time out of the workforce for a couple of years starting around pandemic time, for reasons I won’t bore you with. When I decided to get back into the workforce, in my early 50s, I didn’t have much luck when I did online applications.

But when I walked into a couple of those high street recruitment agencies, those that often to temp work, I was snapped up. I had my first job within a week, it was a fixed term contract. When it finished I had another job lined up within about a week too and this one is permanent. There is loads of work around and I agree he needs to do something and maybe should try the high street. Both the jobs I secured were office based roles.

The issue is that he doesn't have a job - it harder to be employed when you don't have a job - he should join an agency or something similar.

getting a job may help with his depression. Im torn between is he really unlucky in securing work or taking the piss. I bet you feel really resentful. What does he do all day??! He might not drive but he could cycle/bus/train etc

Is he picky about what work he applies for? I'm struggling to understand why someone with experience in sales and marketing even needs to apply for shelve stacking at a supermarket. It might not be the same level as in his previous company (if he was higher up).

It’s very easy to find work atm. Pretty much every business, large and small, in our town has “we’re recruiting” signs on display.
I can understand why someone with 25 plus working years ahead of them would want to find something in their chosen field but there comes a point when you do have to look at alternatives.
People already in work of some sort are far more attractive to potential employers too.

No wonder you are stressed OP, you are really carrying the full load.

Do NOT give him the option of being a sahp as he has utterly failed at that over the past two years.

He needs to get any job and you need to protect yourself.

YANBU. He needs to find something to keep himself active and bring in some extra cash. It will also look better on his CV that he stayed active.

Is he on LinkedIn??

He needs to be proactive in his job search

He sounds anything but

Employers don’t like large gaps in CVs. Getting any old job for now will help fill in his CV, and make it easier for him to get his ideal job in future (as well as helping to pay the bills of course.)

If he’s not succeeding in his chosen career he needs to find another one. He’s had 2 years - in that time he could have done some training and learnt to drive.

@MrsSkylerWhite

People already in work of some sort are far more attractive to potential employers too.

Exactly this. Nothing helps you get a job like already having a job, I always say. Not just because it makes the CV more attractive, but because it gets you out of a trough and boosts confidence.

I'd be furious by now OP.

YANBU