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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect DH to get any job to contribute financially

230 replies

Sazzle2012 · 18/06/2023 09:25

My DH was made redundant just over 2 years ago. He got a large payout as he'd worked there a long time. That money helped go towards mortgage and bills but it ran out a year ago and DH is still unemployed and hasn't contributed anything financially.
In those two years though he's spent most days job hunting, he's had a handful of interviews for a variety of roles related to his career area which haven't gone anywhere. He's had career coaching, help from the job centre, help from me with his CV and getting him in for a chat with my boss for potential opportunities, and still nothing.
For context, after I'd had both DCs I didnt have a job to return to (I had been on a fixed term contract) so found some online work, and studied for a qualification while they were both preschool. This led to bigger contracts and I have worked full time in this industry for the past five years. The initial money wasn't great but enough for me to contribute, pay for holidays (basic UK ones) and stuff around the house. I paid for a new kitchen (old one was falling apart), carpets, beds, furniture for kids room, all of which he said we couldn't afford on his (then) salary.
Since he was made redundant, I have paid for most of the bills, plus a new bathroom and sofa. I've had to move jobs recently due to stress and will now earn a bit less.

Bills and mortgage have all gone up and I'm starting to stress about money.

I'm starting to feel really resentful about this situation. He says he's trying his best to find work but I have told him enough is enough and just find anything to bring in a bit of extra money to take the pressure off. I found work and a new career for myself from scratch while bringing up two young kids, so what's his excuse?!

AIBU to ask him to find any job now just to help us financially?

OP posts:
Daffodilsandbagels · 20/06/2023 11:21

Theredjellybean · 18/06/2023 15:14

and what do non drivers by choice do if they have little children who need to go to hospital in the middle of the night ?
or if the driver in the family suddenly is ill ? or away ?

Call an Uber? Getting a taxi on the rare occasions you actually need a driver comes out a lot cheaper and more convenient than paying for a car, petrol, repairs, parking, MOTs. It’s not exactly rocket science.

lechatnoir · 20/06/2023 11:52

What a complete turn off (not to mention terrible role model for your dc) having a partner sat around doing nothing for 2 years whilst you’re grafting.

It sounds like the best solution would be him getting a PT local job and taking on more of the home/family/life admin responsibilities but he’s going to have to put his ego to one side and accept that ANY job is better than NO job .

He surely doesn’t just sit around doing nothing except claim to be busy job hunting does he? I hope to god he’s at least doing the childcare/ school runs and basic chores and meals whilst you’re working full time. I honestly don’t know how you’ve left it this long!

Badbadbunny · 20/06/2023 12:31

I wouldn't have got seriously involved with someone who didn't drive in the first place. My first proper boyfriend didn't drive and had no intention to drive. His Mummy drove him around, even at the age of 20! It didn't bother me at first, but started to grate when he'd expect me to do all the driving, it meant I couldn't drink on evenings out, I had to drive him home after he'd spend the evening at my house because he didn't want to go home earlier to catch the last bus. Days out were always me driving. He never once offered any petrol money. It lasted 3 months. I realised he was just taking me for a mug, in other ways too! I'd been working full time since leaving college - he didn't even have a part time job as he was always "waiting for the right job", didn't want to be taken for a mug etc! But he was happy to take others for mugs!

My second boyfriend had a car, and we did everything equally, sharing the load, sharing the costs - we've now been married 26 years and he's still very considerate, never burdens me with anything, do DIY, cleaning and household chores together and he really pulled his weight with our son!

Not driving is just about acceptable if you live in a big city with good public transport and lots of things on your doorstep. It's a massive turn off in regional and rural areas. I don't think I actually know anyone who can't drive where we live now (rural North West England) - well, only my mother, but she's 82 and never learned because my Dad always taxi-d her around!

TheLostNights · 20/06/2023 13:15

Not sure where you live but lots of temp opportunities at the moment due to all the events and festivals going on in the summer. Might be worth a look.

Lampzade · 20/06/2023 14:06

MooMooSharoo · 20/06/2023 10:04

Make sure he's on LinkedIn if he isn't already. Make sure his profile has a picture and "Available for work" set. Re-connect with any ex-colleagues he can remember - many of them will have all moved on to different companies so casting the net wider.

My DH will also look up businesses he knows and will try and connect with someone on the management team there, then message them directly. He got his current job (contract) by doing this.

Put his CV on CV-Library and let recruiters and employers come to him too.

It sounds like your DH has got himself in to a bit of a vicious spiral of not doing well so it knocks his confidence, which means he performs less well in the next interview.

Next interview he gets the first thing that someone will likely ask is "Hello, how are you?" to which he should have a standard reply ready "I'm OK thanks - very nervous though!", so at least the interviewer can attribute any iffy answers to nerves.

He has the perfect story for his career gap "I was unfortunately made redundant in a significant restructuring, but it gave me the opportunity to spend time with my young children, which I'm eternally grateful for. They're growing up now though, so don't need me so much and I'm able to get back to doing something for me now."

For me, I'd put it to him to:

  • Give you last massive push to get back in to his career - use the above tips and also make sure he's registered with as many agents as he can - get his CV spread as far and wide as possible. Set a time limit - 3 months?
  • Failing that, he must apply for anything and everything. My Uncle took an interim job while waiting for another job to start (clearance delays!) and worked for a supermarket doing deliveries for a few months. I just looked - Waitrose pay £12 per hour near me for a 37.5 hour week. That would bring in just over £1,600 a month, which is £1,600 a month more than you're getting now. Sainsburys pay £12.50 an hour which would net around £1,700 a month. Both jobs likely come with staff discount so could save money on your groceries too.

Great advice

J0S · 20/06/2023 14:14

Sazzle2012 · 18/06/2023 13:01

I don't think he purposely was like this at the start after losing his job but the more knock backs he got, the longer it went on, the lower he got and his confidence is gone. He's now on antidepressants.

He does seem to have a real issue in not doing particularly well at interviews. He was really excited about one last week, felt it went well and again got told someone scored better than him. It's so frustrating as this keeps happening.

I think we need to decide now, is he going to be a SAHP and pick up the load or is he going to actually get some form of employment, cos as many of you have said, this situation isn't right and has to change.

If by SAHP you mean “ doing all the housework , childcare and wife work “, that’s not going to happen. If he’s not done that for the last two years , he won’t start now.

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be for you to leave him. Because he will claim that he is the main carer for your children if you divorce and expect you to support him finincially post split.

Lalalalala555 · 20/06/2023 17:22

Sazzle2012 · 18/06/2023 09:25

My DH was made redundant just over 2 years ago. He got a large payout as he'd worked there a long time. That money helped go towards mortgage and bills but it ran out a year ago and DH is still unemployed and hasn't contributed anything financially.
In those two years though he's spent most days job hunting, he's had a handful of interviews for a variety of roles related to his career area which haven't gone anywhere. He's had career coaching, help from the job centre, help from me with his CV and getting him in for a chat with my boss for potential opportunities, and still nothing.
For context, after I'd had both DCs I didnt have a job to return to (I had been on a fixed term contract) so found some online work, and studied for a qualification while they were both preschool. This led to bigger contracts and I have worked full time in this industry for the past five years. The initial money wasn't great but enough for me to contribute, pay for holidays (basic UK ones) and stuff around the house. I paid for a new kitchen (old one was falling apart), carpets, beds, furniture for kids room, all of which he said we couldn't afford on his (then) salary.
Since he was made redundant, I have paid for most of the bills, plus a new bathroom and sofa. I've had to move jobs recently due to stress and will now earn a bit less.

Bills and mortgage have all gone up and I'm starting to stress about money.

I'm starting to feel really resentful about this situation. He says he's trying his best to find work but I have told him enough is enough and just find anything to bring in a bit of extra money to take the pressure off. I found work and a new career for myself from scratch while bringing up two young kids, so what's his excuse?!

AIBU to ask him to find any job now just to help us financially?

Yep, two years is definitely long enough to be unemployed.
Plus it's easier to find a job once you have one.

He has (everyone does) a tax free allowance of about 12k per year.
He may as well atleast work enough to get that. It may just be 2 days a week but it will definitely help alot!

I think you definitely need to take a stand and say from next month he is going to owe you half

Imisssleep2 · 20/06/2023 20:18

No your not, he should have taken that plunge of his own accord after like 6 months in my opinion, anything to bring a bit of money in and also for something for him to do for mental health, he needs to get back out there doing something even if he stills looks for his more desired job at the same time

JenJuni · 20/06/2023 20:43

I agree he does need to get a job, any job to support his family.

This is with the slight caveat that it sounds like he’s built up a career and was previously earning at a higher level, so I’d be careful to:

  • Find something where he has at least a day off a week to keep applying for better paying career roles
  • Temporary job should be something it’s possible to dress up a bit on CV
  • The support of a counsellor may be helpful, because he must be feeling shitty underneath it all
3BSHKATS · 20/06/2023 21:34

Lampzade · 20/06/2023 14:06

Great advice

Show quote history

It is amazing advice and now for your next magic trick Could you explain how he’s going to be a delivery driver without being able to drive ?

GC1 · 20/06/2023 22:18

Sounds like because your affording it he doesn't feel he needs to get a job and he needs to see things literally fall apart and not be replaced until he understands that. He sounds like he's fallen out of reality to be honest l.. bit of being a big kid just now enjoying no responsibility. Whilst he worked and you had kids he surly understands how hard its being. He should want to take anything going. Even asking local businesses for daily tasks or helping. If you don't see that then he's obviously not trying hard enough. Sounds like he needs a stern talking to maybe even a fright to shake him up a bit. He's obviously causing you more work than he realises. Ask him to go stay at family or friends houses for a few days as your not coping. He'll soon realise your serious. Hope he sorts himself out. You can't go on like this you'll burn yourself right out and end up ill xx

Palmasailor · 20/06/2023 22:27

Look - it’s very simple - he doesn’t want to work.

What grown arse man - at 40 can’t drive.

16 year olds can’t wait to get their test and he hasn’t done it.

What does that tell you - one word - lame

Plus - unless I’ve mis read, he was in sales. No one gets the bullet from sales unless they’re not selling.

I’m afraid OP, you’re gonna be carrying the can indefinitely. Do you really want to be saddled with this loser?

noodlebugz · 20/06/2023 22:33

Are you actually happy together? If he doesn’t share the mental or financial load? The least he could have done is step up with everything else.

parkthesnark · 20/06/2023 22:54

Please can you send me some details on this sounds interesting.

SoccerStars · 20/06/2023 23:03

Beezknees · 18/06/2023 14:56

Why? I don't drive and have no desire to, it's never been necessary. Why do you think I should learn to drive if I don't need to?

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Mumsnet can be bizarre about driving. Most adults I know drive, but not one thinks any less of people who don’t.

And no not every non-driver relies on drivers unless you’re counting them paying for an Uber or bus etc

in this situation though it probably is a case of him trying to get a free ride..literally. I had a friend whose partner also didn’t work or clean or cook and he deliberately didn’t learn to drive so she also playing taxi driver to him

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/06/2023 23:07

My wife is like this. About 15 months off, barely attempted to get a job. Just behaving like she’s retired !

Quitelikeit · 20/06/2023 23:08

Temping agency is his best bet

SoccerStars · 20/06/2023 23:09

rhow · 20/06/2023 09:21

He gives me the ick!

He hasnt had a job in 2 years. He should already be doing everything around the house, the mental load and the heavy lifting. It is absolutely ridiculous that you've allowed this to happen. 2 YEARS!!

He is either a house husband or he works. He cant not work, and be a lazy twat.

Also, how pathetic are men! Depression because he cant find a job... imagine if women acted this way... just imagine.

Show quote history

This is what I fail to understand. I have never known a SAHM or women who has recently lost her job to not do housework duties and school runs etc but there seems to be so many men at home doing nothing. I don’t get why working women allow this.

How many working men would in the reverse? Half of them come home and do very little if anything.

SoccerStars · 20/06/2023 23:12

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/06/2023 23:07

My wife is like this. About 15 months off, barely attempted to get a job. Just behaving like she’s retired !

But does she do housework and other duties at home? If not yes she is like Op partners, but if she does make herself useful at home it’s a different situation.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/06/2023 23:55

SoccerStars · 20/06/2023 23:12

But does she do housework and other duties at home? If not yes she is like Op partners, but if she does make herself useful at home it’s a different situation.

Show quote history

She does, because she now has all this time to fill - but it’s not really relevant - when she was working we split it very equally. What we need is income, we can easily split the housework / kid ferrying etc like we always used to.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 21/06/2023 00:08

Come on now, he's not trying overly hard to get a job really is he. There are plenty out there, he's clearly being too picky.

As long as you carry the load he'll let you do the heavy lifting!! He sound like quite the catch!!!

NeonSoda · 21/06/2023 05:17

Kazzyhoward · 20/06/2023 08:12

@Beezknees

Actually there's even less of a need to drive now with so many workplaces adopting hybrid working.

Still need to get to work on the days they have to be in the office, get to training courses, go to visit client premises (if relevant to the job - which many sales jobs will be), etc. May need to take correspondence to the post office, may need to collect parcels.

A middle aged bloke not driving doesn't look good on a cv, especially in tandem with 2 years of unemployment and especially if they're not living somewhere like central London or another big city (I don't think the OP has said where they live). In some smaller cities, towns and rural areas, driving is pretty much an essential life skill, especially for shift work in places where buses start late and finish early and may not run at all on Sundays!

It's yet another box the OP's OH can't "tick".

My son spent a few months last year looking for graduate jobs, we were helping him, and I'd say at least half the jobs specified driving licence as as requirement, even for hybrid/office jobs, basically all the jobs that weren't located centrally in the bigger cities! Not a problem for him as he had his first proper driving lesson on his 17th birthday and passed his test 4 months later!

Not driving WILL limit his options and WILL influence the decision making of some employers.

I mean, I've never put whether I can drive onto a CV. That information is irrelevant unless you're going to have to drive for work.

I've never been asked if I can drive either unless the role specified that I had to be able to drive.

In today's world, I can confidently say that nobody decent judges people who can't drive, even if they're middle-aged.

NeonSoda · 21/06/2023 05:23

Badbadbunny · 20/06/2023 12:31

I wouldn't have got seriously involved with someone who didn't drive in the first place. My first proper boyfriend didn't drive and had no intention to drive. His Mummy drove him around, even at the age of 20! It didn't bother me at first, but started to grate when he'd expect me to do all the driving, it meant I couldn't drink on evenings out, I had to drive him home after he'd spend the evening at my house because he didn't want to go home earlier to catch the last bus. Days out were always me driving. He never once offered any petrol money. It lasted 3 months. I realised he was just taking me for a mug, in other ways too! I'd been working full time since leaving college - he didn't even have a part time job as he was always "waiting for the right job", didn't want to be taken for a mug etc! But he was happy to take others for mugs!

My second boyfriend had a car, and we did everything equally, sharing the load, sharing the costs - we've now been married 26 years and he's still very considerate, never burdens me with anything, do DIY, cleaning and household chores together and he really pulled his weight with our son!

Not driving is just about acceptable if you live in a big city with good public transport and lots of things on your doorstep. It's a massive turn off in regional and rural areas. I don't think I actually know anyone who can't drive where we live now (rural North West England) - well, only my mother, but she's 82 and never learned because my Dad always taxi-d her around!

I've always lived in small towns in rural areas and for several large stretches in my life I didn't own a car.

It didn't affect my working, social, or dating life.

The mistake you're making is that you think all people who don't drive are as shitty as your first boyfriend at making plans and splitting bills.

NeonSoda · 21/06/2023 05:28

Badbadbunny · 20/06/2023 09:45

It's pretty close to average wage!

Even 40 hours per week at minimum wage is £416.80. More if shift work/anti social hours.

Show quote history

The median average salary in the UK is bang on £500 per week.

Kazzyhoward · 21/06/2023 07:56

3BSHKATS · 20/06/2023 21:34

It is amazing advice and now for your next magic trick Could you explain how he’s going to be a delivery driver without being able to drive ?

Show quote history

In two years, with a pot of redundancy money he could have learned to drive and bought a car, and probably even got his HGV licence too!