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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end friendship because they are jealous of our life?

202 replies

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:39

This is long…thank you if you read until the end. We have been friendly with a couple for over 17 years now. DH and I immigrated to the country we currently live in to study, we didn’t know anyone and this couple had taken us under their arms – they also had no other family around so it felt like we were growing this relationship into something nice. This relationship has been been sustained by myself and female friend, the males mainly going along with us so not as invested as we are.As years went by my husband and I started to see/feel the differences between us, mainly in values, behavior and life choices. DH and I are in our early forties now, have two children, one already in secondary school, the other starting in September. We are very focused on our family life, kids’ education and socialising. Also, over the past 7 years we have been renovating our house – we did it slowly, a lot of DYI and not much help apart from my dad who came on 2 occasions to help. We ended up much better off financially than said couple with DH running and owning half of a small business. We never bragged about it, always kept ourselves to ourselves but could not hide the things in our house and our lifestyle. We are not rich, just earning a decent living but much better then them. The couple are much older than us – she is late 50s, he is mid 60s. He is a widower to first wife and had two kids, he is not in contact with one of them, the other lives in another country and they see each other every 4-5 years. He barely met his grandchildren. She has a son from a previous marriage, now in his early 30s who still lives with them. He is struggling to keep jobs, now studying at university level after struggling with life for about 15years – left school at 16, became a computer games addict, then a drug addict. Apparently he is now better but still smoking and struggling to finish his university course. We feel this is mostly down to her controlling behaviour as she overprotected him. He was never encouraged to join any after school clubs, go out an play in the street, give him freedom to be himself. All of this ongoing situation put a huge strain on her and relationship with husband. I tried to be supportive, offer help and suggestions but everything was dismissed as she knew better. I am giving this context as I think this is relevant to their reasons for being jealous of our life. Our relationship was put to the test during covid when people started to be all weird. They were particularly weird and had to have a conversation with them at the time. We settled down but things have been rocky since. Example: met them once, my daughter tested positive the next day. phoned her to tell her. She reacted very rude and made me feel like we had done something wrong, as it meant if her DH got covid he would not have been able to work. During all the house renovation they barely had any compliments, mainly asking when will we stop, why are doing so much. They renovated their own kitchen after we did ours – they mostly copied the style as well as the furniture. After they finished and returned to us for a visit she said ‘Oh, your kitchen looks very much like ours!’. We are now near completion of a full garden renovation, back and front. They visited last week and we made dinner for them – front garden was finished, back nearly – not a single comment/compliment, especially as they knew we had done a a lot of the work ourselves. Made us feel very disappointed with them. For a while, we had considered them our second family here, so it’s been like never getting any validation/praise from your parents that you are doing something good and they are proud of you. I don’t look for this from other people but was expecting it from them and family in general. We have been thinking for a while to stop seeing them as every time it gets uncomfortable for one reason or another. The kids are noticing her behaviour too as she made them feel uncomfortable on a couple of occasions. I know deep down she finds it hard to cope with our success. I also know the reason is due to her own situation being so difficult but still can’t understand why it’s hard to be glad for others despite your own difficulties? All my husband and I want is for people to be successful and are genuinely happy for them when they are! AIBU to think this is jealousy/envy? And AIBU to want to end friendship it even though they were there for us at the start? Do we owe them anything?

OP posts:
Sunnydaysareuponus · 17/06/2023 09:43

Just be less available.. Real friends don't begrudge or feel resentment of others...
No need for a big dramatic retreat..

5128gap · 17/06/2023 09:46

I think YABU to make this about jealousy of you. You have nothing positive to say about them in your post so clearly its time to end the friendship, but that's because you don't like them anymore, not because they're jealous of you. Which they may or may not be, but why does it matter?

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:50

5128gap · 17/06/2023 09:46

I think YABU to make this about jealousy of you. You have nothing positive to say about them in your post so clearly its time to end the friendship, but that's because you don't like them anymore, not because they're jealous of you. Which they may or may not be, but why does it matter?

I tried to explain their situation as I think this is why they are jealous. We are obviously not perfect ourselves but feel we have always been respectful and perhaps more accommodating and understanding of their situation then we should have been...

OP posts:
Tlolljs · 17/06/2023 09:51

Well perhaps they don’t like what you have done to your house and garden? No need to assume they’re jealous.
If you don’t like them any more stop seeing them.

Tinyplant · 17/06/2023 09:51

Definitely think it’s weird that you’re expecting praise from your friends for doing up your front garden.

They likely are a bit jealous, but you sound weird in your expectations of them. Renovating your house or having money isn’t something worthy of praise.

Did you praise them for their kitchen?

Gazelda · 17/06/2023 09:54

You have less in common than you used to. You don't enjoy their company. It's time to let the friendship tail off.

Having said that, I don't know that you can be certain it's jealousy on their part simply because they don't compliment your home. Maybe you're unconsciously acting smug about your superior lifestyle and they're reacting to that?

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:54

Perhaps yes, it could be that we actually don't like them anymore. Life changed us all. I don't think we could choose them as friends now, purely because we barely have anything in common - values, beliefs, habits

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 17/06/2023 09:56

I think you just don’t like them. Your post is all about how much more successful you are than them, how much stuff you have and how you’ve improved your house, but I can’t see that they’ve actually done anything wrong.

TeddySunflowers · 17/06/2023 09:57

I get the impression you look down your nose at them and expect them to admire you.

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:57

we never show off as in point to things we have done, whereas as she would if she had something to show.

OP posts:
LifeIsPainHighness · 17/06/2023 09:58

I don’t think you should end the friendship because they’re jealous.

I think you should end the friendship because you clearly despise these people.

As an aside, it’s so fucking childish and pathetic when grown adults accuse each other of ‘copying’. There’s probably about 400,000 kitchens just like yours because, despite your probably belief to have a unique amazing taste, actually your taste is what current trends tell you you like - and everyone else around you too.

Kic · 17/06/2023 09:59

"During all the house renovation they barely had any compliments, mainly asking when will we stop, why are doing so much. They renovated their own kitchen after we did ours – they mostly copied the style as well as the furniture."

You're complaining about a lack of compliments but surely imitation is said to be the sincerest form of flattery, isn't it?

"Example: met them once, my daughter tested positive the next day. phoned her to tell her. She reacted very rude and made me feel like we had done something wrong, as it meant if her DH got covid he would not have been able to work."

I could understand the reaction here. If you look back at MN during covid times, you will see hundreds of threads with people complaining about very similar scenarios. They'd met up with someone who then went on to test positive, and were now worried about the financial implications.

You're clearly at very different points in your lives and it sounds as though you don't agree with a lot of the decisions that they've made. It's perfectly fine to move on.

cimena · 17/06/2023 09:59

We’re big DIY/Reno people.
some friends are interested, some aren’t - houses aren’t important to everyone and I don’t expect someone to care about something just because I do, assuming we’ve got other things we are both interested in.

Maybe you’ve just grown apart but it does sound like you’re quite proud of yourself. that’s fine but I can see how it might sting a bit if I was your friend and struggling. Sounds like you expect them to be interested and impressed by your situation but you’re kinda judgy about theirs and even if you think they can’t tell, maybe they can.

Tinyplant · 17/06/2023 09:59

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:57

we never show off as in point to things we have done, whereas as she would if she had something to show.

😂You sound horrible.

LifeIsPainHighness · 17/06/2023 09:59

Definitely think it’s weird that you’re expecting praise from your friends for doing up your front garden

I agree with this. It seems you expect them to actually care. I could never imagine giving a shit that someone decorated their house 🤣

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 10:00

Neighbours, other people were able to say something. Yes, I always say something in similar circumstances - if I don't like I would say at least, wow, it looks different or comment in a way that at least acknowledges the fact that something was done.

OP posts:
Kic · 17/06/2023 10:01

"She has a son from a previous marriage, now in his early 30s who still lives with them. He is struggling to keep jobs, now studying at university level after struggling with life for about 15years – left school at 16, became a computer games addict, then a drug addict. Apparently he is now better but still smoking and struggling to finish his university course. We feel this is mostly down to her controlling behaviour as she overprotected him. He was never encouraged to join any after school clubs, go out an play in the street, give him freedom to be himself."

And I really wouldn't be feeling too smug about this just yet. Your eldest is till only in secondary school. You have no idea what their life choices will be as an adult.

HidingInAForest · 17/06/2023 10:02

Hmmm. From your OP you don't actually sound very nice. Very obsessed with how successful you are and proud of yourselves for all your DIY in contrast to those you look down upon. Good friends wouldn't be judging their friends quite as much as you obviously are.

Nothing necessarily to say they're jealous. They may be fed up of the expectation of praise you have or feeling like they have tk play the subservient friend. I wouldn't be surprised!

I think smug people often think others are "jealous."

Hotandverybothered · 17/06/2023 10:02

Yes I definitely think it is quite rude to visita friends house and not comment about an obvious improvement! My friend had new kitchen installed recently and I have mentioned both times I have been there on how lovely it is .

LifeIsPainHighness · 17/06/2023 10:03

HidingInAForest · 17/06/2023 10:02

Hmmm. From your OP you don't actually sound very nice. Very obsessed with how successful you are and proud of yourselves for all your DIY in contrast to those you look down upon. Good friends wouldn't be judging their friends quite as much as you obviously are.

Nothing necessarily to say they're jealous. They may be fed up of the expectation of praise you have or feeling like they have tk play the subservient friend. I wouldn't be surprised!

I think smug people often think others are "jealous."

I agree with this and suspect the couple aren’t actually jealous but utterly fed up with OP’s smugness and superiority

CatfoodOzymandias · 17/06/2023 10:05

Kic · 17/06/2023 10:01

"She has a son from a previous marriage, now in his early 30s who still lives with them. He is struggling to keep jobs, now studying at university level after struggling with life for about 15years – left school at 16, became a computer games addict, then a drug addict. Apparently he is now better but still smoking and struggling to finish his university course. We feel this is mostly down to her controlling behaviour as she overprotected him. He was never encouraged to join any after school clubs, go out an play in the street, give him freedom to be himself."

And I really wouldn't be feeling too smug about this just yet. Your eldest is till only in secondary school. You have no idea what their life choices will be as an adult.

This! You have no idea how your DC may turn out.

You sound way too entrenched with this couple. Distance yourself.

ilovesooty · 17/06/2023 10:07

You sound judgmental of them and their decisions. You evidently don't like them much. Probably time to let the friendship go.

Sunnyfeelgood · 17/06/2023 10:07

I personally just find house improvement stuff boring, especially if it has been going on a long time. I am not observant enough to notice change at the best of times. So have missed many a new kitchen etc. If my friend spoke about it I would make the appropriate 'oooh lovely' noise, just cos that's what they want. But it is really strange to me that this lack of commentary could be perceived as jealousy? Our lives are vastly less interesting to those around us then they are to us! Unless you have a keen interest in home improvements, it might not be big on your consciousness level.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 17/06/2023 10:09

Kic · 17/06/2023 10:01

"She has a son from a previous marriage, now in his early 30s who still lives with them. He is struggling to keep jobs, now studying at university level after struggling with life for about 15years – left school at 16, became a computer games addict, then a drug addict. Apparently he is now better but still smoking and struggling to finish his university course. We feel this is mostly down to her controlling behaviour as she overprotected him. He was never encouraged to join any after school clubs, go out an play in the street, give him freedom to be himself."

And I really wouldn't be feeling too smug about this just yet. Your eldest is till only in secondary school. You have no idea what their life choices will be as an adult.

Yeah this really stood out for me.

Teenage boys struggling to go out and do stuff outside the online world is a troubling epidemic, and I'm amazed your life is so sheltered that you haven't encountered it yet. I think in a few years time you may look back on this judgement as it being a failure of her parenting skills and be really embarrassed.

Sunnyfeelgood · 17/06/2023 10:09

I think you YABU for putting it down to jealousy rather than to drifting.

YANBU to want to end a friendship for any reason if it no longer brings you joy