To end friendship because they are jealous of our life?

[Kirkmms]

This is long…thank you if you read until the end. We have been friendly with a couple for over 17 years now. DH and I immigrated to the country we currently live in to study, we didn’t know anyone and this couple had taken us under their arms – they also had no other family around so it felt like we were growing this relationship into something nice. This relationship has been been sustained by myself and female friend, the males mainly going along with us so not as invested as we are.As years went by my husband and I started to see/feel the differences between us, mainly in values, behavior and life choices. DH and I are in our early forties now, have two children, one already in secondary school, the other starting in September. We are very focused on our family life, kids’ education and socialising. Also, over the past 7 years we have been renovating our house – we did it slowly, a lot of DYI and not much help apart from my dad who came on 2 occasions to help. We ended up much better off financially than said couple with DH running and owning half of a small business. We never bragged about it, always kept ourselves to ourselves but could not hide the things in our house and our lifestyle. We are not rich, just earning a decent living but much better then them. The couple are much older than us – she is late 50s, he is mid 60s. He is a widower to first wife and had two kids, he is not in contact with one of them, the other lives in another country and they see each other every 4-5 years. He barely met his grandchildren. She has a son from a previous marriage, now in his early 30s who still lives with them. He is struggling to keep jobs, now studying at university level after struggling with life for about 15years – left school at 16, became a computer games addict, then a drug addict. Apparently he is now better but still smoking and struggling to finish his university course. We feel this is mostly down to her controlling behaviour as she overprotected him. He was never encouraged to join any after school clubs, go out an play in the street, give him freedom to be himself. All of this ongoing situation put a huge strain on her and relationship with husband. I tried to be supportive, offer help and suggestions but everything was dismissed as she knew better. I am giving this context as I think this is relevant to their reasons for being jealous of our life. Our relationship was put to the test during covid when people started to be all weird. They were particularly weird and had to have a conversation with them at the time. We settled down but things have been rocky since. Example: met them once, my daughter tested positive the next day. phoned her to tell her. She reacted very rude and made me feel like we had done something wrong, as it meant if her DH got covid he would not have been able to work. During all the house renovation they barely had any compliments, mainly asking when will we stop, why are doing so much. They renovated their own kitchen after we did ours – they mostly copied the style as well as the furniture. After they finished and returned to us for a visit she said ‘Oh, your kitchen looks very much like ours!’. We are now near completion of a full garden renovation, back and front. They visited last week and we made dinner for them – front garden was finished, back nearly – not a single comment/compliment, especially as they knew we had done a a lot of the work ourselves. Made us feel very disappointed with them. For a while, we had considered them our second family here, so it’s been like never getting any validation/praise from your parents that you are doing something good and they are proud of you. I don’t look for this from other people but was expecting it from them and family in general. We have been thinking for a while to stop seeing them as every time it gets uncomfortable for one reason or another. The kids are noticing her behaviour too as she made them feel uncomfortable on a couple of occasions. I know deep down she finds it hard to cope with our success. I also know the reason is due to her own situation being so difficult but still can’t understand why it’s hard to be glad for others despite your own difficulties? All my husband and I want is for people to be successful and are genuinely happy for them when they are! AIBU to think this is jealousy/envy? And AIBU to want to end friendship it even though they were there for us at the start? Do we owe them anything?

Maybe they’re fed up of the constant disruptions your renovations cause to neighbours with noise and vans etc and are just relieved it’s over.

you sound unbelievably smug and superior.

You don't sound great on here Op

You sound very judgmental OP and not such a brilliant friend yourself tbh.

That’s nice op 🙄

I bet the other couple have been dying to get rid of you for years.

Sometimes people drift apart but for some reason they keep meeting up, resenting each other.

I had a friend who I used to really like, who became bitter and resentful for improvements in my life. Obviously I didn't want to be around her anymore and she'd get more angry and bitter that I no longer wanted to be around her, so we had to actually fall out instead of just going our separate ways.

Your username explains a LOT about your post 😏

No it doesn’t. You’re obviously a judgey pants too, so pot and kettle my dear, pot and kettle 🤣

I agree with this. I always think that posters claiming jealousy from other people just want to oh so earnestly explain all the reasons they believe that people should be jealous of them. I think this is mostly fantasy.

OP. You're not friends if you post this way about them so, end the friendship. No big drama needed.

On reading your posts, what has crossed my mind is this: you say the couple don’t have many friends, I wonder if they kind of latched onto you when you arrived in this country? You and your partner sound lovely to me and very genuine and you took their friendliness at face value. However what has emerged in more recent times is some of the difficulties that may be making it hard for them to make many friends. That’s only one take on it.

Not really. Happily with my husband of 28 years... and have a great life generally, so no need to 'project' or judge others (who aren't mean!).

I would want OP for a friend, too smug and up own rear end. Judgemental about the son, don't count your chickens.

Sounds like you want people to fawn over everything you do and that the world revolves around you. Newsflash: most people won’t care how much work you put into your garden.

This.

My sibling can be like your friends. Sibling is far better off financially but never comments positively on anything anyone else gets/haves and instead remarks negatively if at all. I’ve come to the conclusion sibling is a narcissist.

The main things that struck me in your post is that you and your DH feel uncomfortable now in their company and you seem to spend a lot of time together. Feeling drained in someone’s company is a clear indicator the friendship has come to an end. You have changed, maybe they have too. . I’d become less available. Let it fizzle out without any big drama.

They might well be jealous but you sound very judgemental. You seem to look down on them for not sharing your priorities and values but accuse them of copying when they do something similar to you.

You don't seem to like them so let this friendship drift.

You sound smug, self congratulatory and like you think you’re so much better than they are. You think they’re not good enough for you anymore. Do them a favour and let the friendship drift.

Sounds like you dislike them and look down on them, plus want praise and compliments. Nothing you’ve written suggests envy, more disinterest.

id examine my need for validation like this, your sense of superiority on what it seems your husbands earnings, and the fact you now look down on those with less.

What a vile thing to say.

You sound very nasty and judgemental.

This is a friendship that has run its course.

you dont Really like each other.

and she didn’t turn her son into a drug addict because she didn’t make him do after school clubs😂. You sound incredibly judgemental and superior.

I am sure your house is lovely - I have just done a big renovation and while it’s been my whole world for two years - no one else really cares. They have their own homes and lives and as excited as I am about the hall tiles - no one else really cares!

YABU - just don't see them anymore. You sound judgemental and the constant need for praise and compliments from others must be exhausting.

I don't think they want you as friends if this is how you see them and their family. Continue to be smug with your lovely life, extension, kitchen or whatever on your own.

This is what I immediately though of! OP, you have clearly done well for yourself you post shows how pleased you are (you have every right to be). However, if this one post clearly shows how pleased you are with your situation, I imagine being around you in person can be quite draining, especially if the other person is struggling. The way you are describing your friends children and their relationships with them is very judgemental. And, as previous posters have said, your children are still very young. Your children are yet to go through that tricky stage where anything can happen. I would keep that judgement and all of the advice you have been giving, to yourself until you are certain your relationships have navigated this time completely unscathed. Your friend could well be jealous of your life, you possibly are painting a picture of rubbing her face in a picture perfect existence. Maybe, even you actually do value the friendship, try and tone back the advice/renovation discussions/expectations of praise/ and go back to what made you friends initially. If you think they can't afford/are uncomfortable with an activity, don't do it and do something they would enjoy. If this doesn't work and you still feel the friendship has run it's course, move on.

It’s a shame but you have different ideas, you seek complements & validation- whilst other give you this, these friends don’t do it. Some people don’t give complements freely, I’m one & it’s not done purposely, but when I do think oh that’s lovely, I don’t always think to say so. Not that I’m jealous as it’s just who I am

as for her son, it’s sounding like it’s a cross to bear, we can all end up with those. You might find your ds Marty’s someone who doesn’t like you… or your D.C. makes errors if judgement. Some people keep this stuff close to their chest, whilst others share their troubles with those they think are friends

It reeks of this. OP, you're just a snob in desperate need of validation. Just cool the friendship and work on yourself (or don't but it'd be better if you did mature a bit).

Was just responding like for like. Read that person's post back again. You'll see what I was referring to...

@Kirkmms I appreciate that the written word can often give the wrong impression to the readers of those words, so I'm sorry to say it, because you may not have meant it they way it comes across, but you do sound like you are looking down on this other family and feeling a bit smug about how well you are doing compared to them and are disappointed as a result that they didn't ooo and ahhh over your garden make-over.

What I do think is clear from what you have written is that you no longer have much in common with this other family. Life changes, people go in different directions. Covid did not help anyone and that's no-one's fault, but many people had different views as to what to do to keep us all safe and more than a few friendships foundered on the situation. It happens all the time and it can be sad, but sometimes friendships come to a natural end because of different circumstances. I don't think they sound jealous at all - but maybe they have just recognised more quickly than you, that it is time to move on? No need to actually fall out, just let the friendship go quietly.