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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end friendship because they are jealous of our life?

202 replies

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:39

This is long…thank you if you read until the end. We have been friendly with a couple for over 17 years now. DH and I immigrated to the country we currently live in to study, we didn’t know anyone and this couple had taken us under their arms – they also had no other family around so it felt like we were growing this relationship into something nice. This relationship has been been sustained by myself and female friend, the males mainly going along with us so not as invested as we are.As years went by my husband and I started to see/feel the differences between us, mainly in values, behavior and life choices. DH and I are in our early forties now, have two children, one already in secondary school, the other starting in September. We are very focused on our family life, kids’ education and socialising. Also, over the past 7 years we have been renovating our house – we did it slowly, a lot of DYI and not much help apart from my dad who came on 2 occasions to help. We ended up much better off financially than said couple with DH running and owning half of a small business. We never bragged about it, always kept ourselves to ourselves but could not hide the things in our house and our lifestyle. We are not rich, just earning a decent living but much better then them. The couple are much older than us – she is late 50s, he is mid 60s. He is a widower to first wife and had two kids, he is not in contact with one of them, the other lives in another country and they see each other every 4-5 years. He barely met his grandchildren. She has a son from a previous marriage, now in his early 30s who still lives with them. He is struggling to keep jobs, now studying at university level after struggling with life for about 15years – left school at 16, became a computer games addict, then a drug addict. Apparently he is now better but still smoking and struggling to finish his university course. We feel this is mostly down to her controlling behaviour as she overprotected him. He was never encouraged to join any after school clubs, go out an play in the street, give him freedom to be himself. All of this ongoing situation put a huge strain on her and relationship with husband. I tried to be supportive, offer help and suggestions but everything was dismissed as she knew better. I am giving this context as I think this is relevant to their reasons for being jealous of our life. Our relationship was put to the test during covid when people started to be all weird. They were particularly weird and had to have a conversation with them at the time. We settled down but things have been rocky since. Example: met them once, my daughter tested positive the next day. phoned her to tell her. She reacted very rude and made me feel like we had done something wrong, as it meant if her DH got covid he would not have been able to work. During all the house renovation they barely had any compliments, mainly asking when will we stop, why are doing so much. They renovated their own kitchen after we did ours – they mostly copied the style as well as the furniture. After they finished and returned to us for a visit she said ‘Oh, your kitchen looks very much like ours!’. We are now near completion of a full garden renovation, back and front. They visited last week and we made dinner for them – front garden was finished, back nearly – not a single comment/compliment, especially as they knew we had done a a lot of the work ourselves. Made us feel very disappointed with them. For a while, we had considered them our second family here, so it’s been like never getting any validation/praise from your parents that you are doing something good and they are proud of you. I don’t look for this from other people but was expecting it from them and family in general. We have been thinking for a while to stop seeing them as every time it gets uncomfortable for one reason or another. The kids are noticing her behaviour too as she made them feel uncomfortable on a couple of occasions. I know deep down she finds it hard to cope with our success. I also know the reason is due to her own situation being so difficult but still can’t understand why it’s hard to be glad for others despite your own difficulties? All my husband and I want is for people to be successful and are genuinely happy for them when they are! AIBU to think this is jealousy/envy? And AIBU to want to end friendship it even though they were there for us at the start? Do we owe them anything?

OP posts:
Snowpatrolling · 17/06/2023 13:38

You sound like mrs bucket! 😂

DonMosquiote · 17/06/2023 13:40

Eg, I always comment on soneone's new hairstyle or outfit. In reality, I may not like the hairstyle or ever wear a similar outfit but if it's clear to me someone has made an effort/notable change, then I will do what I can to make them feel good about it/themselves. I don't know why it seemingly kills people to do this!?

@Jumpingthruhoops Maybe you should reflect on that and realise that not everyone thinks the same way and not all comments on appearance or outfit are welcome. Especially if you don't even like it. Are you so self regarding that you think that people can't spot a disingenuous comment or someone 'acting?

I know someone who confided in me that she didn't like it at all when people commented on or complimented her appearance especially at work because she felt really awkward and that she felt a pressure to respond. Just saying thank you all the time felt repetitive particularly if the same person commenting. She found it upsetting because she felt men didn't get this and it meant part of her brain was occupied with trying to think up witty original responses.

She was very attractive and stylish and I often thought she looked really lovely. I myself had complimented her often and was upset to realise that I had probably been contributing to her anxiety but I bet if you are getting this all day from all quarters it could feel intrusive.

I'm telling you this because you need to realise that that people are different and what to you is an ego-boost may not be for the recipient.

personally I hate it when people compliment me on something that I don't like. Say a disasterous buy or a bad hair cut, I mark them as disingenuous.

& you can't say whether someone has made a notable effort or a change becuase you have no idea why they are wearing or doing or choosing anything.

nevynevster · 17/06/2023 13:54

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 10:00

Neighbours, other people were able to say something. Yes, I always say something in similar circumstances - if I don't like I would say at least, wow, it looks different or comment in a way that at least acknowledges the fact that something was done.

Ok I agree that it's a societal norm to make a comment but maybe not for all? Some people may not actually like what you've done and feel awkward so say nothing. Some people are differently wired and don't follow the norms and are less good at small talk. Some people are just a bit more self centred than others.
Why does it matter to you? If it doesn't bring you enjoyment or happiness hanging out with these people then just hang out less. No big deal, doesn't need to be a drama. Just don't call them much, don't invite them over as much etc and the friendship will fizzle out. Simples

Hotpinkangel19 · 17/06/2023 13:59

Ugh you sound full of your own importance OP. I definitely wouldn't judge as others say, you don't know how your own DC will turn out yet.

Jumpingthruhoops · 17/06/2023 14:46

DonMosquiote · 17/06/2023 13:40

Eg, I always comment on soneone's new hairstyle or outfit. In reality, I may not like the hairstyle or ever wear a similar outfit but if it's clear to me someone has made an effort/notable change, then I will do what I can to make them feel good about it/themselves. I don't know why it seemingly kills people to do this!?

@Jumpingthruhoops Maybe you should reflect on that and realise that not everyone thinks the same way and not all comments on appearance or outfit are welcome. Especially if you don't even like it. Are you so self regarding that you think that people can't spot a disingenuous comment or someone 'acting?

I know someone who confided in me that she didn't like it at all when people commented on or complimented her appearance especially at work because she felt really awkward and that she felt a pressure to respond. Just saying thank you all the time felt repetitive particularly if the same person commenting. She found it upsetting because she felt men didn't get this and it meant part of her brain was occupied with trying to think up witty original responses.

She was very attractive and stylish and I often thought she looked really lovely. I myself had complimented her often and was upset to realise that I had probably been contributing to her anxiety but I bet if you are getting this all day from all quarters it could feel intrusive.

I'm telling you this because you need to realise that that people are different and what to you is an ego-boost may not be for the recipient.

personally I hate it when people compliment me on something that I don't like. Say a disasterous buy or a bad hair cut, I mark them as disingenuous.

& you can't say whether someone has made a notable effort or a change becuase you have no idea why they are wearing or doing or choosing anything.

Note where I said 'if it's clear to me'. I don't just go around offering compliments to randoms; it will be to people I know well, who have obviously done something they are proud of. You know, like FRIENDS.

I'm fully aware everyone has a background and, trust me, I've had a lifetime of trying to make myself 'smaller' and play down my achievements because of how other people might feel. So I make a point of boosting others up. And I'm certainly not going to apologise for that!

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 17/06/2023 14:47

I would definitely end the friendship as , in summary;
You are much nicer people , have done a much better job with bringing up your family ( so far ! ), have a more successful life with nicer possessions , and are a fabulous friend to all .
OR , you have changed into totally self absorbed twats who want the approval of people you dont even like .

DonMosquiote · 17/06/2023 14:55

So I make a point of boosting others up.

This is just so awfully patronising to autonomous adults. It is cringey and worse if you don't really like whatever it is.

It's actually not being a good friend to encourage someone to persist in aspects of appearance that you don't even like.

This is as bad as the OP being obsessed with not receiving compliments.

Why can't you just be genuine and give a compliment when you genuinely feel it rather than making a point of trying to "boost others up"? They may not need or want your 'boosting'. Yuck.

Fiddlechops82 · 17/06/2023 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You don’t cover yourself in Glory here @HeartBrokenWife

no doubt the OP sounds unpleasant

but on the basis of your post, you also do 🤷‍♀️

HeartBrokenWife · 17/06/2023 15:03

Fiddlechops82 · 17/06/2023 15:02

You don’t cover yourself in Glory here @HeartBrokenWife

no doubt the OP sounds unpleasant

but on the basis of your post, you also do 🤷‍♀️

Thanks, but I don’t actually care what you think of me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fiddlechops82 · 17/06/2023 15:04

Jumpingthruhoops · 17/06/2023 13:28

Was just responding like for like. Read that person's post back again. You'll see what I was referring to...

I bet you don’t tell you children that that is the best way to interact when someone is being nasty!

Fiddlechops82 · 17/06/2023 15:04

HeartBrokenWife · 17/06/2023 15:03

Thanks, but I don’t actually care what you think of me 🤷🏻‍♀️

And too right. You shouldn’t

Fiddlechops82 · 17/06/2023 15:05

But on the basis of the user name, I hope you are doing ok

Shinyandnew1 · 17/06/2023 15:11

it’s been like never getting any validation/praise from your parents that you are doing something good and they are proud of you.

But they aren’t your parents. I wouldn’t expect any friends of mine to be proud of me or give me validation/praise, no matter how old they are.

changeyerheadworzel · 17/06/2023 15:46

Wow judgmental much?? Smuggy Mc Smuggerson. Mortified for you.

SallyWD · 17/06/2023 15:57

I think everyone's being a bit harsh to say OP is completely unreasonable to expect compliments on her house renovations. I think it's perfectly normal that if you make big changes to your house and garden your friends would say something. This is what happens in the real world! My friend's just replaced her kitchen and shared photos on our WhatsApp group. Everyone commented on how lovely it looks! Another friend has completely changed her garden and shared photos - of course everyone said it was beautiful. I can't imagine a situation where I'd go to a friend's house who'd just had a new kitchen, bathroom whatever and say nothing! I mean to just look at it and not say a single word about it is odd, right?
However, I totally agree that OP is looking down on her friends and I'm certain this is very clear to them and probably explains their frostiness. I think they probably are jealous of OP's money, house etc but mostly feel slightly patronised by her.

HeartBrokenWife · 17/06/2023 15:58

Fiddlechops82 · 17/06/2023 15:05

But on the basis of the user name, I hope you are doing ok

Thank you very much 😊 Things are ok at the moment. Like so many of us on here I thought I was happily married until I found out last year that my husband of over two decades had a ‘close female friend’ at his office. I’m actually feeling happier by myself now. Maybe I should change my name? 😁

HolyFire · 17/06/2023 16:05

Yes pp change your name! Don’t label yourself heartbroken any more especially if you’re happy!

HeartBrokenWife · 17/06/2023 16:28

HolyFire · 17/06/2023 16:05

Yes pp change your name! Don’t label yourself heartbroken any more especially if you’re happy!

👍🏻😁 I will!

Fiddlechops82 · 17/06/2023 16:41

HeartBrokenWife · 17/06/2023 15:58

Thank you very much 😊 Things are ok at the moment. Like so many of us on here I thought I was happily married until I found out last year that my husband of over two decades had a ‘close female friend’ at his office. I’m actually feeling happier by myself now. Maybe I should change my name? 😁

You’d be a damn sight happier without him in your life

BlinkeredBay · 17/06/2023 16:48

changeyerheadworzel · 17/06/2023 15:46

Wow judgmental much?? Smuggy Mc Smuggerson. Mortified for you.

This!!

Also use bloody paragraphs!

HeartBrokenWife · 17/06/2023 17:05

Fiddlechops82 · 17/06/2023 16:41

You’d be a damn sight happier without him in your life

😊 Yes, I’m definitely happier since I made my decision. I’m scouring Right Move every day looking for a tiny cottage. Still searching for something in my chosen area that I can afford, but it will turn up soon I feel sure.

CatfoodOzymandias · 17/06/2023 17:10

Aw that is a nice tangent @HeartBrokenWife :)

HeartBrokenWife · 17/06/2023 17:15

CatfoodOzymandias · 17/06/2023 17:10

Aw that is a nice tangent @HeartBrokenWife :)

Sorry, I do seem to have derailed the thread 🤭 I’m feeling so much happier though. Hopefully, it’s infectious and someone else in the same position might start feeling inspired too!

momonpurpose · 17/06/2023 17:15

You sound obnoxious. I doubt you will have a hard time getting rid of friendships since they will all beat you too it. I don't say this because I am jealous as I have also done extremely well for my self. Not that I'd shove it in people's faces....

NotTodayJose · 17/06/2023 17:16

On a plus, if she ever goes on Mumsnet you may get the situation sorted for you. This post is pretty identifiable!