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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end friendship because they are jealous of our life?

202 replies

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:39

This is long…thank you if you read until the end. We have been friendly with a couple for over 17 years now. DH and I immigrated to the country we currently live in to study, we didn’t know anyone and this couple had taken us under their arms – they also had no other family around so it felt like we were growing this relationship into something nice. This relationship has been been sustained by myself and female friend, the males mainly going along with us so not as invested as we are.As years went by my husband and I started to see/feel the differences between us, mainly in values, behavior and life choices. DH and I are in our early forties now, have two children, one already in secondary school, the other starting in September. We are very focused on our family life, kids’ education and socialising. Also, over the past 7 years we have been renovating our house – we did it slowly, a lot of DYI and not much help apart from my dad who came on 2 occasions to help. We ended up much better off financially than said couple with DH running and owning half of a small business. We never bragged about it, always kept ourselves to ourselves but could not hide the things in our house and our lifestyle. We are not rich, just earning a decent living but much better then them. The couple are much older than us – she is late 50s, he is mid 60s. He is a widower to first wife and had two kids, he is not in contact with one of them, the other lives in another country and they see each other every 4-5 years. He barely met his grandchildren. She has a son from a previous marriage, now in his early 30s who still lives with them. He is struggling to keep jobs, now studying at university level after struggling with life for about 15years – left school at 16, became a computer games addict, then a drug addict. Apparently he is now better but still smoking and struggling to finish his university course. We feel this is mostly down to her controlling behaviour as she overprotected him. He was never encouraged to join any after school clubs, go out an play in the street, give him freedom to be himself. All of this ongoing situation put a huge strain on her and relationship with husband. I tried to be supportive, offer help and suggestions but everything was dismissed as she knew better. I am giving this context as I think this is relevant to their reasons for being jealous of our life. Our relationship was put to the test during covid when people started to be all weird. They were particularly weird and had to have a conversation with them at the time. We settled down but things have been rocky since. Example: met them once, my daughter tested positive the next day. phoned her to tell her. She reacted very rude and made me feel like we had done something wrong, as it meant if her DH got covid he would not have been able to work. During all the house renovation they barely had any compliments, mainly asking when will we stop, why are doing so much. They renovated their own kitchen after we did ours – they mostly copied the style as well as the furniture. After they finished and returned to us for a visit she said ‘Oh, your kitchen looks very much like ours!’. We are now near completion of a full garden renovation, back and front. They visited last week and we made dinner for them – front garden was finished, back nearly – not a single comment/compliment, especially as they knew we had done a a lot of the work ourselves. Made us feel very disappointed with them. For a while, we had considered them our second family here, so it’s been like never getting any validation/praise from your parents that you are doing something good and they are proud of you. I don’t look for this from other people but was expecting it from them and family in general. We have been thinking for a while to stop seeing them as every time it gets uncomfortable for one reason or another. The kids are noticing her behaviour too as she made them feel uncomfortable on a couple of occasions. I know deep down she finds it hard to cope with our success. I also know the reason is due to her own situation being so difficult but still can’t understand why it’s hard to be glad for others despite your own difficulties? All my husband and I want is for people to be successful and are genuinely happy for them when they are! AIBU to think this is jealousy/envy? And AIBU to want to end friendship it even though they were there for us at the start? Do we owe them anything?

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 17/06/2023 11:41

You're assuming their criteria for success and happiness are the same as yours, you're desperate for approval. A lot of insecure people do push away others.

Sausagedogmum · 17/06/2023 11:41

OP YABU. It’s YOU who is judging them because they don’t comment on what you have done to the house. As another poster said maybe what you have done to the house is not important to them, maybe they don’t like what you have done m after all it’s better to say nothing if you can’t say anything nice.

May I just ask why you think it’s acceptable to judge their son? Do you know what goes on in his head? He may be suffering from depression, he may not.

You have said in your post you are starting to see/feel differences in their values, behaviour and life choices. You said a very important word in your sentence “THEIR”.

Maybe they are starting to realise whenever they see you and your family it’s coming across as “me me me”.

You are coming across as very smug in your post, and it does seem as if you think you are better than them.

DonMosquiote · 17/06/2023 11:46

you seem strangely fixated on getting compliments from people.
why is that? you say like not getting validation from parents but it just isn't the same.

what if they don't like it? do you expect them to lie?

This is all very odd.

FarmGirl78 · 17/06/2023 11:46

The overall feeling I get from your post is that you no longer want to be friends with them because they didn't compliment your new garden or make enough impressive noises over how hard you've worked on bits of your renovation.

This isn't about them as people, its about you being needy and wanting validation of the lofty smug heights you've risen to. They've not changed, you have. If you don't want them as friends fair enough, but it's because of you, not them.

Jumpingthruhoops · 17/06/2023 11:47

Hotandverybothered · 17/06/2023 10:02

Yes I definitely think it is quite rude to visita friends house and not comment about an obvious improvement! My friend had new kitchen installed recently and I have mentioned both times I have been there on how lovely it is .

Agree. It's just what nice people do. All those on here saying things like: 'I can't imagine caring that someone had decorated their house' etc, are spectacularly missing the point.

SpilltheTea · 17/06/2023 11:48

You clearly view them as beneath you in every possible aspect. It's not jealousy, you're just not very nice. Get over yourself.

Dintananadinta · 17/06/2023 11:56

They're probably jealous , a lot of people don't like it when others are successful. It's quite hard to convey jealousy in text and I'm sure the op was just giving some context of their situation of why they could be jealous. I don't tell people anything such as where I've gone on holiday or what I have paid for something. Obviously house renovations are hard to hide. it doesn't take much to say that looks nice. My relative that is significantly richer has recently bought a holiday home. I just say oooh thats lovely despite not caring cos that's the decent thing to do. It seems that I have a different opinion to others but I've met many jealous people in my life.

Doggymummar · 17/06/2023 11:58

I think they will be relieved not to have to pander to your smug superiority so please, do them a favour and drop them.

Teenangels · 17/06/2023 11:58

OP this is a you issue.

You have come over as superior, egotistical, and so judgmental.

I can assure you that you will not have many friends if you carry on like this. I think your friends will be over the ☾ when you go no contact.

Good luck in life as you will become lonely and look back and shudder at yourself for what you have wrote here.

CurlewKate · 17/06/2023 11:59

I do think we do our children a disservice when we tell them "They're probably jealous" whenever they have any sort of falling out. It's a "get out of jail" card. If you decide the other person is jealous then you don't have to look at your own behaviour at all.

Equalitea · 17/06/2023 12:00

It sounds like you’re making assumptions and being quite judgemental. If you don’t like them, don’t see them. 🤷‍♀️

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 17/06/2023 12:00

I almost never say anything when someone does something to their house, or for that matter their hair, or gets new glasses or have their teeth fixed. Because I don't notice.

I have aphantasia, which means I can't see pictures in my mind. As a result I often have no idea when something has changed.

You seem really desperate for these people to be jealous of you @Kirkmms. You come across quite unpleasantly in your post like you think you're better than these people who have treated you very well. Probably best you end the friendship as you really don't seem to like them.

Sunnyfeelgood · 17/06/2023 12:01

Jumpingthruhoops · 17/06/2023 11:47

Agree. It's just what nice people do. All those on here saying things like: 'I can't imagine caring that someone had decorated their house' etc, are spectacularly missing the point.

What is the point that we are missing?

I have a friend who is constantly doing stuff at home and will give me updates when I go round. I make approving noises even though I don't have an opinion one way or the other (so boring!) If she didn't point it out to me, I wouldn't notice it as I don't hold what other people's houses look like in my mind. Because this is not an interest of mine, I just don't clock it and remember it.

I would want to be supportive of things that are in my friends lives if it is important to them. But I wouldn't pick up on house stuff without some encouragement as I only notice if it is huge! Eg i wouldnt notice a new kitchen counter or paint job or garden changes, but would notice if they had moved the lounge to a different room. Something that is a huge change to them may not even register for me. Not because I am jealous or rude, it just isn't on my radar

FabFitFifties · 17/06/2023 12:03

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:57

we never show off as in point to things we have done, whereas as she would if she had something to show.

You might get some grief for this OP. It reads like you just stopped yourself adding "but she never does". Whether you meant that or not. You do come across as a tad superior. Also, none of us can be complacent in terms of how our children may turn out - I wouldn't judge them regarding this.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 17/06/2023 12:03

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:57

we never show off as in point to things we have done, whereas as she would if she had something to show.

She did - her new kitchen. Did you compliment it?

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 17/06/2023 12:05

I'm struggling to follow all of this, but I wonder if its cultural differences?

STBExH and I had two "couple" friends who were from different faiths and cultures. They approved of part of our lives - jobs, well mannered children, education etc., but if I went out on my own and had a drink with other friends, they'd be upset. The wives expected a certain standard of cooking which I never lived up to (e.,g they wanted to be served with fresh pastries and mint tea etc, another disapproved of white bread but also wanted lots of meat to be served). Also the time we would get up - they'd like to call round at 9am at the weekend and if we weren't up and dressed (often!) there'd be a lot of disapproving looks. Nothing with them was ever casual or just "OK" and when our DD developed mental health issues they gave the impression that this had happened because of our poor life choices, e.g., the white bread and my drinking! So in the end, it wasn't sustainable and we don't keep in touch.

Why do you have to ask permission to stop seeing them? Just gradually stop returning calls and messages, just send a polite card at Christmas or something like that?

Mangogogogo · 17/06/2023 12:08

Your problem is that you’re livid cos they arent jealous

standardduck · 17/06/2023 12:09

It sounds like you are looking for an excuse to stop being friends with them. You don't need one. If you no longer enjoy their company, you can stop meeting up with them.

You do come across as quite judgmental and self centered though.

Cam22 · 17/06/2023 12:09

To be fair to the OP, people sometimes without positive comments or compliments - presumably due to envy.

Cam22 · 17/06/2023 12:10

*withhold

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/06/2023 12:13

You just sound really needy and desperate for validation. You don't like them, so stop seeing them 🤷🏻‍♀️. Perhaps find friends who shower you with praise and compliments all the time because it appears that's what you expect.

Jumpingthruhoops · 17/06/2023 12:14

Sunnyfeelgood · 17/06/2023 12:01

What is the point that we are missing?

I have a friend who is constantly doing stuff at home and will give me updates when I go round. I make approving noises even though I don't have an opinion one way or the other (so boring!) If she didn't point it out to me, I wouldn't notice it as I don't hold what other people's houses look like in my mind. Because this is not an interest of mine, I just don't clock it and remember it.

I would want to be supportive of things that are in my friends lives if it is important to them. But I wouldn't pick up on house stuff without some encouragement as I only notice if it is huge! Eg i wouldnt notice a new kitchen counter or paint job or garden changes, but would notice if they had moved the lounge to a different room. Something that is a huge change to them may not even register for me. Not because I am jealous or rude, it just isn't on my radar

But that IS the point: those little things SHOULD be on your radar.
I'm not saying go overboard, just a little acknowledgement if you know something is important to that person.

Eg, I always comment on soneone's new hairstyle or outfit. In reality, I may not like the hairstyle or ever wear a similar outfit but if it's clear to me someone has made an effort/notable change, then I will do what I can to make them feel good about it/themselves. I don't know why it seemingly kills people to do this!?

Iknowthis1 · 17/06/2023 12:17

You don't enjoy their company. It sounds like they feel the same. None of the rest of it matters. Stop inviting them over.

TooJoy · 17/06/2023 12:19

not a single comment/compliment, especially as they knew we had done a a lot of the work ourselves. Made us feel very disappointed with them. For a while, we had considered them our second family here, so it’s been like never getting any validation/praise from your parents that you are doing something good and they are proud of you. I don’t look for this from other people but was expecting it from them

What TF is wrong with you!!??

I would not want to be your friend if I was this couple.

They’ve been nothing but nice to you for years and all you do is look down your nose at them and get annoyed because they don’t compliment and praise you enough.

Be careful OP because you’re about to lose 2 of the best people in your life.

Sunnyfeelgood · 17/06/2023 12:21

Jumpingthruhoops · 17/06/2023 12:14

But that IS the point: those little things SHOULD be on your radar.
I'm not saying go overboard, just a little acknowledgement if you know something is important to that person.

Eg, I always comment on soneone's new hairstyle or outfit. In reality, I may not like the hairstyle or ever wear a similar outfit but if it's clear to me someone has made an effort/notable change, then I will do what I can to make them feel good about it/themselves. I don't know why it seemingly kills people to do this!?

Thanks for this perspective! I, like PP have aphantasia, so I just wouldn't know from one meet to the next whether they have had a new haircut (unless it was drastically different) as I can't hold their previous hair in mind. I just know the 'general' eg long and brown.