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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end friendship because they are jealous of our life?

202 replies

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:39

This is long…thank you if you read until the end. We have been friendly with a couple for over 17 years now. DH and I immigrated to the country we currently live in to study, we didn’t know anyone and this couple had taken us under their arms – they also had no other family around so it felt like we were growing this relationship into something nice. This relationship has been been sustained by myself and female friend, the males mainly going along with us so not as invested as we are.As years went by my husband and I started to see/feel the differences between us, mainly in values, behavior and life choices. DH and I are in our early forties now, have two children, one already in secondary school, the other starting in September. We are very focused on our family life, kids’ education and socialising. Also, over the past 7 years we have been renovating our house – we did it slowly, a lot of DYI and not much help apart from my dad who came on 2 occasions to help. We ended up much better off financially than said couple with DH running and owning half of a small business. We never bragged about it, always kept ourselves to ourselves but could not hide the things in our house and our lifestyle. We are not rich, just earning a decent living but much better then them. The couple are much older than us – she is late 50s, he is mid 60s. He is a widower to first wife and had two kids, he is not in contact with one of them, the other lives in another country and they see each other every 4-5 years. He barely met his grandchildren. She has a son from a previous marriage, now in his early 30s who still lives with them. He is struggling to keep jobs, now studying at university level after struggling with life for about 15years – left school at 16, became a computer games addict, then a drug addict. Apparently he is now better but still smoking and struggling to finish his university course. We feel this is mostly down to her controlling behaviour as she overprotected him. He was never encouraged to join any after school clubs, go out an play in the street, give him freedom to be himself. All of this ongoing situation put a huge strain on her and relationship with husband. I tried to be supportive, offer help and suggestions but everything was dismissed as she knew better. I am giving this context as I think this is relevant to their reasons for being jealous of our life. Our relationship was put to the test during covid when people started to be all weird. They were particularly weird and had to have a conversation with them at the time. We settled down but things have been rocky since. Example: met them once, my daughter tested positive the next day. phoned her to tell her. She reacted very rude and made me feel like we had done something wrong, as it meant if her DH got covid he would not have been able to work. During all the house renovation they barely had any compliments, mainly asking when will we stop, why are doing so much. They renovated their own kitchen after we did ours – they mostly copied the style as well as the furniture. After they finished and returned to us for a visit she said ‘Oh, your kitchen looks very much like ours!’. We are now near completion of a full garden renovation, back and front. They visited last week and we made dinner for them – front garden was finished, back nearly – not a single comment/compliment, especially as they knew we had done a a lot of the work ourselves. Made us feel very disappointed with them. For a while, we had considered them our second family here, so it’s been like never getting any validation/praise from your parents that you are doing something good and they are proud of you. I don’t look for this from other people but was expecting it from them and family in general. We have been thinking for a while to stop seeing them as every time it gets uncomfortable for one reason or another. The kids are noticing her behaviour too as she made them feel uncomfortable on a couple of occasions. I know deep down she finds it hard to cope with our success. I also know the reason is due to her own situation being so difficult but still can’t understand why it’s hard to be glad for others despite your own difficulties? All my husband and I want is for people to be successful and are genuinely happy for them when they are! AIBU to think this is jealousy/envy? And AIBU to want to end friendship it even though they were there for us at the start? Do we owe them anything?

OP posts:
Hairfriar · 17/06/2023 10:45
  1. they didn’t gush over your garden
  2. they were upset when they realised they’d been exposed to coronavirus
  3. their new kitchen looks a bit like yours

I can’t work out what else you think they’ve done wrong. I can’t imagine dumping good friends, especially ones who looked after you so well when you’d moved to a new country, over such ridiculous reasons.

MysteryBelle · 17/06/2023 10:45

The Op and Self Awareness. Never the twain shall meet.

cartagenagina · 17/06/2023 10:45

You appear to have a rather unpleasant superiority complex.

RitaFires · 17/06/2023 10:46

It sounds like you became friends at a time when you really needed someone and that friendship has persisted but perhaps shouldn't have?

Your litany of complaints implies that you judge and dislike these people. Maybe they don't care about gardens, maybe you've spoken so much about previous renovations that they dare not mention it and start you off again? Friendship is a two way street and it's worth considering what kind of friend you have been to them.

MightWriteNight · 17/06/2023 10:47

Agree with a lot of people here. You seem to think you are better than them and are annoyed they don’t act like it. Tbh you seem really smug and shallow. You should end the friendship for everyone’s sake.

LadyBird1973 · 17/06/2023 10:49

Not all friendships are meant to last forever. It's okay to let this one go. You both got something valuable from it in the early years, but life and people change. When it gets too much like hard work, it's totally fine to stop being friends.

I had a friend once, who was jealous of my life. It doesn't make you a bad person to have noticed it or to say so in this post. Sometimes people will jump in and say that you don't know for a fact that the other people are jealous, but when you are living it, you do know. And it's something that can't be overcome.

I would be less available and let this relationship die a natural death. You don't need to hold onto something that isn't working.

DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish · 17/06/2023 10:49

Did not realise Samantha Brick was into DIY.

equatorr · 17/06/2023 10:49

"be supportive, offer help and suggestions" - do you mean be supportive BY offering help and suggestions, or that you were supportive and also offered help and suggestions?

The latter is fine but I can see why someone might be irked by the former. Some positive suggestions help but mostly people are looking for support and not suggestions when they vent (no matter how frustrating it is for the listener to keep their mouth closed).

I think they do sound jealous, yes. It could be down to you being insensitive/patronising. It could also be down to them – if they helped you when you were new immigrants, maybe they're better at finding sympathy for/friendship with people "worse off" than them, if you know what I mean... Or it could also be natural, reasonable jealousy that is neither your nor their fault.

It must be saddening to realise your friendship has broken down. Echoing PPs though, I think you sound a bit enmeshed. Would it help to strengthen your relationship (eg video calls, visits) with your own parents more? And to widen your social circle even more in this country. Plus widened social circle may also include mentors or older peers to some degree, if you're looking for that.

I don't think you should do a huge retreat or estrangement, you just don't have to be daily besties with them. They can be people you only see once in a while but still have a special history with.

Caroparo52 · 17/06/2023 10:51

This

LadyInTheSun · 17/06/2023 10:52

Your comments about their children are nasty. You should be ashamed of your behaviour. Do them a favour and never contact them again. They will probably be much happier without you in their lives.

Anaemiafog · 17/06/2023 10:52

I dont think you're as nice as you think you are.

Grimbelina · 17/06/2023 10:53

I don’t think you should end the friendship because they’re jealous.

I think you should end the friendship because you clearly despise these people.

This. I also think you sound very judgemental about her family and the son's challenges and the choices they have made. You say you have offered advice but I wonder how helpful it really was....

Nofreshstarthere22 · 17/06/2023 10:53

I’d move on. My ex BF never said anything about our new house which was a massive upgrade from our last house, never congratulated me on setting up my own successful business. Lifes so much better without her.

Daffodilwoman · 17/06/2023 10:55

I think you were forced together because neither of you had anyone else.
Not everyone is interested in your house renovations.
I would just pull back, stop inviting them over as much, but don’t go full on no contact.

Figmentofmyimagination · 17/06/2023 10:56

I probably wouldn’t particularly notice that you had done something to your house. This just isn’t the big deal you seem to think it is - nobody cares except you and your husband. Stop looking for external validation.

I also agree with PPs that you come across as lacking in insight or empathy and unable to see yourself as others might see you, or to perceive others except in relation to your own orbit and what ‘they’ think of ‘you’. Not an attractive quality OP.

Fiddlechops82 · 17/06/2023 10:57

The op won’t be back

i feel sorry for her children. Living with such a bitter angry woman

Feraldogmum · 17/06/2023 10:58

Still trying to figure out how they’re weird,one things for sure,you’re really full of yourself.

ScientificallyProcessed · 17/06/2023 10:59

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:57

we never show off as in point to things we have done, whereas as she would if she had something to show.

You don’t sound very nice tbh. You sound smug and I’m pretty sure it radiates from you.

dickheed · 17/06/2023 11:00

we never show off as in point to things we have done, whereas as she would if she had something to show

That's awful. Take a look at yourself.
And yes, end the friendship and let these people get on with their lives without all the judgement and superiority from you.

You might not show off by pointing to things you've done, but your showing off comes across in every sentence you have written and they will be able to sense that in real life too.

Thepeopleversuswork · 17/06/2023 11:00

I'm always extremely suspicious of people who attribute any disagreement or estrangement to "jealousy", to be honest. Nine times out of ten I think that's just wishful thinking.

Your whole post comes across as smug and sanctimonious, particularly in the way you talk about their son. And you seem to think you are entitled to get plaudits from them from having done your house up. I find discussing home renovation incredibly boring and I just wouldn't want to talk about it.

The whole thing comes across as stealth social one-upmanship.

You can end a friendship for whatever reason you like and it does sound as if the couples are a bit codependent. That's totally your call. But I do find your point of view unpleasantly judgemental.

SunIsShininInTheSky · 17/06/2023 11:01

You really don't like them and to be quite frank sound up yourselves. Who writes that their friends are jealous of them? Wanting/expecting praise because you did your garden is a bit weird. If my friend's did their garden I'd probably say "it looks nice", I wouldn't go overboard showering them with praise.

You haven't said a single nice thing about these people, in fact you've picked them apart. I'd be horrified if a friend did this to me and would cut you off immediately. End the friendship and stop bitching about them.

MysteryBelle · 17/06/2023 11:01

Let me guess. They took poor little you under their wing and you were grateful. Until you surpassed them in income. Then you expected the tables to turn with you cast as the high and mighty benefactor (except you only benefitted yourself with endless renovations apparently and insisted they acknowledge and praise every one because you wanted them to admit that you’re now richer than them) looking down your nose with unkind malevolence at the now newly fallen in status. They were supposed to supplicate you now that you’re “above” them. But they didn’t and you’re madder than a wet hen. And so you’re telling everybody about their drug addict son, how it’s all her fault, and that you have more money than she does etc etc etc. Whoopty do!

😀

ScientificallyProcessed · 17/06/2023 11:02

MysteryBelle · 17/06/2023 10:45

The Op and Self Awareness. Never the twain shall meet.

😂😂

squidgybits · 17/06/2023 11:02

Good luck to any "friends" you may have in the future OP

CurlewKate · 17/06/2023 11:03

You do sound pretty judgemental to be honest. I'd very much like to hear the other side of this story....