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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end friendship because they are jealous of our life?

202 replies

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:39

This is long…thank you if you read until the end. We have been friendly with a couple for over 17 years now. DH and I immigrated to the country we currently live in to study, we didn’t know anyone and this couple had taken us under their arms – they also had no other family around so it felt like we were growing this relationship into something nice. This relationship has been been sustained by myself and female friend, the males mainly going along with us so not as invested as we are.As years went by my husband and I started to see/feel the differences between us, mainly in values, behavior and life choices. DH and I are in our early forties now, have two children, one already in secondary school, the other starting in September. We are very focused on our family life, kids’ education and socialising. Also, over the past 7 years we have been renovating our house – we did it slowly, a lot of DYI and not much help apart from my dad who came on 2 occasions to help. We ended up much better off financially than said couple with DH running and owning half of a small business. We never bragged about it, always kept ourselves to ourselves but could not hide the things in our house and our lifestyle. We are not rich, just earning a decent living but much better then them. The couple are much older than us – she is late 50s, he is mid 60s. He is a widower to first wife and had two kids, he is not in contact with one of them, the other lives in another country and they see each other every 4-5 years. He barely met his grandchildren. She has a son from a previous marriage, now in his early 30s who still lives with them. He is struggling to keep jobs, now studying at university level after struggling with life for about 15years – left school at 16, became a computer games addict, then a drug addict. Apparently he is now better but still smoking and struggling to finish his university course. We feel this is mostly down to her controlling behaviour as she overprotected him. He was never encouraged to join any after school clubs, go out an play in the street, give him freedom to be himself. All of this ongoing situation put a huge strain on her and relationship with husband. I tried to be supportive, offer help and suggestions but everything was dismissed as she knew better. I am giving this context as I think this is relevant to their reasons for being jealous of our life. Our relationship was put to the test during covid when people started to be all weird. They were particularly weird and had to have a conversation with them at the time. We settled down but things have been rocky since. Example: met them once, my daughter tested positive the next day. phoned her to tell her. She reacted very rude and made me feel like we had done something wrong, as it meant if her DH got covid he would not have been able to work. During all the house renovation they barely had any compliments, mainly asking when will we stop, why are doing so much. They renovated their own kitchen after we did ours – they mostly copied the style as well as the furniture. After they finished and returned to us for a visit she said ‘Oh, your kitchen looks very much like ours!’. We are now near completion of a full garden renovation, back and front. They visited last week and we made dinner for them – front garden was finished, back nearly – not a single comment/compliment, especially as they knew we had done a a lot of the work ourselves. Made us feel very disappointed with them. For a while, we had considered them our second family here, so it’s been like never getting any validation/praise from your parents that you are doing something good and they are proud of you. I don’t look for this from other people but was expecting it from them and family in general. We have been thinking for a while to stop seeing them as every time it gets uncomfortable for one reason or another. The kids are noticing her behaviour too as she made them feel uncomfortable on a couple of occasions. I know deep down she finds it hard to cope with our success. I also know the reason is due to her own situation being so difficult but still can’t understand why it’s hard to be glad for others despite your own difficulties? All my husband and I want is for people to be successful and are genuinely happy for them when they are! AIBU to think this is jealousy/envy? And AIBU to want to end friendship it even though they were there for us at the start? Do we owe them anything?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 17/06/2023 10:10

it all sounds exhausting
You have expectations which are way off - you say you’re disappointed they didn’t gush with compliments on your renovated garden
why should they?
your comments about the son sound judgemental (perhaps your kids are a lot younger)
overall I think the time has come to distance for their sake

Persse · 17/06/2023 10:10

ShandaLear · 17/06/2023 09:56

I think you just don’t like them. Your post is all about how much more successful you are than them, how much stuff you have and how you’ve improved your house, but I can’t see that they’ve actually done anything wrong.

This. You sound obsessed with your own ‘success’, unpleasantly judgemental about their child’s difficulties and their parenting, and weirdly obsessed with them complimenting every stage of your house ad garden renovations. You clearly don’t like these people, anyway, so why on earth are you still so mentally enmeshed? Maybe they’re tired to death of hearing about your endless renovations down the years, and your boasting, and would prefer to cool things off?

We’ve been renovating our old wreck pretty much continuously since early 2021, while living in a couple of rooms, and are just finishing phase one. I guarantee you that all our friends, wonderful people whom we love, will have to say is ‘Thank god! We were getting sick of hearing about your builder’s short fuse!’

LifeIsPainHighness · 17/06/2023 10:10

I also don’t think a son living at home age 30 (which is very much the norm in many countries) and attending Uni who plays the odd computer game is the totally tragedy and failure you think it is.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/06/2023 10:17

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:54

Perhaps yes, it could be that we actually don't like them anymore. Life changed us all. I don't think we could choose them as friends now, purely because we barely have anything in common - values, beliefs, habits

So
"17 years ago we moved, made friends who looked out for us but now we're different people and I don't really like them. Aibu moving away from them after they helped us out"

As opposed to what you wrote, which eas
"we made friends 17 yo when we were getting ourselves settled. Now we're better than them and our lives are better because we're better people. Aibu to go nc because they don't tell us enough how much better out life and home is compared to us? They don't seem to recognise our superiority"

ProfessorXtra · 17/06/2023 10:17

Your post goes into a lot of personal detail about what you perceive as their failings, including his relationship with his kids, describing the issues their son has and why it’s their fault. And implying why you are better ‘we are so family focused’.

Why is any of that relevant? You clearly don’t like them. But also want their approval and validation. Which suggests to me, you actually invited them round to show off in a subtle way. It does come across as you have kept the friendship so you can continue to show them how superior you are.

Maybe they have simply picked up on this. Sounds like the friendship is becoming toxic and you are all holding on when you shouldn’t

MatildaTheCat · 17/06/2023 10:17

Well they were good to you when you needed it so I think you should keep that in mind but yes, you have moved on and so have they. A lot of older people are very much over DIY and house refurbishment. When they ask when you will be finished they are probably genuinely intrigued as to why you care so much?

Just let things drift a bit and accept you are very different.

Hairpinleg · 17/06/2023 10:18

You actually sound annoyed that the couple don't seem to be more jealous and admiring of your DIY. Are they supposed to scan your house and garden every time they visit for changes and remark on them? Otherwise you think they 'resent your success'. Maybe they are just too polite to comment on things that may not be to their taste.

CatfoodOzymandias · 17/06/2023 10:19

I meant enmeshed. Not entrenched! You are too enmeshed with this couple, and too desperate for their validation.

JanesBlond · 17/06/2023 10:24

So you’re complaining that they didn’t appreciate you interfering in their parenting and that they didn’t compliment your house enough. Yes, YABU.

MysteryBelle · 17/06/2023 10:24

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:57

we never show off as in point to things we have done, whereas as she would if she had something to show.

meow

So what she’s done that’s so terrible is say your kitchen looks like hers, and she hasn’t complimented you on your renovations.

And from that you’ve concluded she’s insanely jealous. Ok. And you’ve said all these horrible things about her and her family and insulted her about 20 times on this thread. You certainly don’t seem to be her friend in any way, shape, or form. You spent ten times longer telling us how beneath you she is, how you have so much more money than she does, etc etc, I don’t have time to list out all your bragging.

Go back and reread your posts. You don’t come across well. I don’t think anyone’s jealous of you.

Fiddlechops82 · 17/06/2023 10:26

And this is your version of a friendship?

bloody hell op you seem to despise then

Fiddlechops82 · 17/06/2023 10:26

I would be very surprised if they are jealous of you op

You sound a very unpleasant person

JorisBonson · 17/06/2023 10:28

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:57

we never show off as in point to things we have done, whereas as she would if she had something to show.

What a mean thing to say.

Cam22 · 17/06/2023 10:30

Two points:

.People have vivid imaginations.
.Threads like this make me cringe.

Avondale89 · 17/06/2023 10:31

Well, with friends like you who needs enemies? You should definitely end the friendship, but then who would you use as a comparison in order to feel superior?

Cam22 · 17/06/2023 10:31

All the stereotypes are present.

shivawn · 17/06/2023 10:33

it’s been like never getting any validation/praise from your parents that you are doing something good and they are proud of you. I don’t look for this from other people but was expecting it from them

This sounds like a very unhealthy friendship to be honest. You dislike them but yet you're desperate for their approval. I think that you spend too much time comparing yourselves to this other couple and benchmarking yourselves against them. It would be suprising to me if they spend as much time thinking about you and your lives because it's really quite unusual. Probably best that you do let the friendship run its course.

3luckystars · 17/06/2023 10:34

Move on.

Cam22 · 17/06/2023 10:35

LifeIsPainHighness · 17/06/2023 10:10

I also don’t think a son living at home age 30 (which is very much the norm in many countries) and attending Uni who plays the odd computer game is the totally tragedy and failure you think it is.

Perhaps the OP isn’t university educated…?

wordler · 17/06/2023 10:35

You don’t sound as though you are being a very nice friend to them so just stop socializing as much - they’ll probably be equally relieved.

Fiddlechops82 · 17/06/2023 10:38

Cam22 · 17/06/2023 10:35

Perhaps the OP isn’t university educated…?

Oh interesting

think she might be hung up about that? Possibly

there must be some sort of feeling of inferiority on the OP’s part

SallyWD · 17/06/2023 10:40

I think there could be 2 things at play here - yes they're probably envious of your lives, particularly if they're struggling. However it also seems like you're looking down on them. This comes across quite clearly in your post and I wouldn't be surprised if they can sense it too. If so, they'd probably be quite reluctant to keep praising your house and garden.
Maybe your advice about the woman's son came across as patronising? It sounds like a difficult situation and I can imagine in her situation I wouldn't want a "know it all" friend thinking she had the solutions to my family's problems.

Farmageddon · 17/06/2023 10:44

I doubt they are jealous, from the sounds of it you don't like them very much, and you sound really judgemental about their son.
Just move on, you've obviously all outgrown each other, it doesn't have to be a big drama.

HolyFire · 17/06/2023 10:44

You’re not a very nice friend. Do you expect compliments about your house each time they visit? You are very judgemental about them. You have a lot to say about them and their lives.

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