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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end friendship because they are jealous of our life?

202 replies

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:39

This is long…thank you if you read until the end. We have been friendly with a couple for over 17 years now. DH and I immigrated to the country we currently live in to study, we didn’t know anyone and this couple had taken us under their arms – they also had no other family around so it felt like we were growing this relationship into something nice. This relationship has been been sustained by myself and female friend, the males mainly going along with us so not as invested as we are.As years went by my husband and I started to see/feel the differences between us, mainly in values, behavior and life choices. DH and I are in our early forties now, have two children, one already in secondary school, the other starting in September. We are very focused on our family life, kids’ education and socialising. Also, over the past 7 years we have been renovating our house – we did it slowly, a lot of DYI and not much help apart from my dad who came on 2 occasions to help. We ended up much better off financially than said couple with DH running and owning half of a small business. We never bragged about it, always kept ourselves to ourselves but could not hide the things in our house and our lifestyle. We are not rich, just earning a decent living but much better then them. The couple are much older than us – she is late 50s, he is mid 60s. He is a widower to first wife and had two kids, he is not in contact with one of them, the other lives in another country and they see each other every 4-5 years. He barely met his grandchildren. She has a son from a previous marriage, now in his early 30s who still lives with them. He is struggling to keep jobs, now studying at university level after struggling with life for about 15years – left school at 16, became a computer games addict, then a drug addict. Apparently he is now better but still smoking and struggling to finish his university course. We feel this is mostly down to her controlling behaviour as she overprotected him. He was never encouraged to join any after school clubs, go out an play in the street, give him freedom to be himself. All of this ongoing situation put a huge strain on her and relationship with husband. I tried to be supportive, offer help and suggestions but everything was dismissed as she knew better. I am giving this context as I think this is relevant to their reasons for being jealous of our life. Our relationship was put to the test during covid when people started to be all weird. They were particularly weird and had to have a conversation with them at the time. We settled down but things have been rocky since. Example: met them once, my daughter tested positive the next day. phoned her to tell her. She reacted very rude and made me feel like we had done something wrong, as it meant if her DH got covid he would not have been able to work. During all the house renovation they barely had any compliments, mainly asking when will we stop, why are doing so much. They renovated their own kitchen after we did ours – they mostly copied the style as well as the furniture. After they finished and returned to us for a visit she said ‘Oh, your kitchen looks very much like ours!’. We are now near completion of a full garden renovation, back and front. They visited last week and we made dinner for them – front garden was finished, back nearly – not a single comment/compliment, especially as they knew we had done a a lot of the work ourselves. Made us feel very disappointed with them. For a while, we had considered them our second family here, so it’s been like never getting any validation/praise from your parents that you are doing something good and they are proud of you. I don’t look for this from other people but was expecting it from them and family in general. We have been thinking for a while to stop seeing them as every time it gets uncomfortable for one reason or another. The kids are noticing her behaviour too as she made them feel uncomfortable on a couple of occasions. I know deep down she finds it hard to cope with our success. I also know the reason is due to her own situation being so difficult but still can’t understand why it’s hard to be glad for others despite your own difficulties? All my husband and I want is for people to be successful and are genuinely happy for them when they are! AIBU to think this is jealousy/envy? And AIBU to want to end friendship it even though they were there for us at the start? Do we owe them anything?

OP posts:
SaulHudsonDavidJones · 17/06/2023 17:29

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:54

Perhaps yes, it could be that we actually don't like them anymore. Life changed us all. I don't think we could choose them as friends now, purely because we barely have anything in common - values, beliefs, habits

And this is a valid reason for ending the friendship. I do see your point. However I have friends a bit like you and all the work they've done is a exhausting and boring to me. I don't want to talk about it, i don't want to praise them other than to say a quick well done. It's all they talk about and I honestly couldn't care less (and I largely have very different taste to them so would just be being polite rather than genuine as it's not at all to my taste but they spent a load of money). With them, they are more and more probing very superficial and I'd rather just have a genuine connection and talk about real things. Maybe they aren't connecting with you anymore?

AgentJohnson · 17/06/2023 17:34

we never show off as in point to things we have done, whereas as she would if she had something to show.

Wow! Aren’t you a delight. I think you will be doing them the favour by ending the frenemyship.

GreekDogRescue · 17/06/2023 17:35

I agree OP
if I visit a friend I always say something positive about their house. It’s rude not to.
indont think people understand the nuance of what you are saying

Jumpingthruhoops · 17/06/2023 17:39

DonMosquiote · 17/06/2023 14:55

So I make a point of boosting others up.

This is just so awfully patronising to autonomous adults. It is cringey and worse if you don't really like whatever it is.

It's actually not being a good friend to encourage someone to persist in aspects of appearance that you don't even like.

This is as bad as the OP being obsessed with not receiving compliments.

Why can't you just be genuine and give a compliment when you genuinely feel it rather than making a point of trying to "boost others up"? They may not need or want your 'boosting'. Yuck.

Not patronising at all. Only on Mumsnet is giving people encouragement seen a bad thing 🙄 OP literally said that she thought it odd that people didn't comment on something when they knew she'd worked hard on it. I was saying that some of us DO notice these things and, in my case, I will offer encouragement or a compliment in those instances; even if it's not necessarily to my taste. That's not being disingenuous, it's being NICE! To know I've made someone feel good about themselves, even in just a small way, that's fine by me. When did you last do that?

Birdeegirl · 17/06/2023 17:39

You say that she was quite controlling and protective. Well I am this type of mother and you know what? I'd rather have a son that grows up to be a pot smoker than a son that'sin the ground. It's good to be concerned and protective of your children. I've heard of too many kids these last few weeks pulled out of rivers and the sea because of nonchalant, abscent parents. Atleast I know where my son is when he's on his computer. And for the record, You don't know how yours will turn out yet!
These people have helped you out through your tough years. I just hope your wallpaper is nice as it will be the only thing to talk to when you're on your own and lonely!

Sunnyfeelgood · 17/06/2023 17:54

Jumpingthruhoops · 17/06/2023 17:39

Not patronising at all. Only on Mumsnet is giving people encouragement seen a bad thing 🙄 OP literally said that she thought it odd that people didn't comment on something when they knew she'd worked hard on it. I was saying that some of us DO notice these things and, in my case, I will offer encouragement or a compliment in those instances; even if it's not necessarily to my taste. That's not being disingenuous, it's being NICE! To know I've made someone feel good about themselves, even in just a small way, that's fine by me. When did you last do that?

You weren't just saying that you do

You were saying that we all should

And some of us are just trying to remind you that not everyone is the same. It is a lovely trait to have and I bet your friends really value it and the people who don't have just pulled away over time.

In my friendship group it makes people uncomfortable as our love language is largely quality time and acts of service, not words of affection. So you could come into my group and say it and be told to sod off and stop being so patronising.

harriethoyle · 17/06/2023 18:02

You sound insufferably smug. I'd love to hear their version of events.

StaunchMomma · 17/06/2023 18:47

Maybe she is, maybe she's not BUT why do you need people to Ooh and Aah over your bloody garden?!! I absolutely would not notice if a mate had had their garden done, nor care!

You sound more than a tad supercilious, OP.

Also, this particular part makes you sound like a right judgey arsehole...

He is struggling to keep jobs, now studying at university level after struggling with life for about 15years – left school at 16, became a computer games addict, then a drug addict. Apparently he is now better but still smoking and struggling to finish his university course. We feel this is mostly down to her controlling behaviour as she overprotected him. He was never encouraged to join any after school clubs, go out an play in the street, give him freedom to be himself. All of this ongoing situation put a huge strain on her and relationship with husband. I tried to be supportive, offer help and suggestions but everything was dismissed as she knew better.

Why the feck would you think YOU know better than his own mother?!!

StaunchMomma · 17/06/2023 18:50

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 10:00

Neighbours, other people were able to say something. Yes, I always say something in similar circumstances - if I don't like I would say at least, wow, it looks different or comment in a way that at least acknowledges the fact that something was done.

Are you Mrs Bucket, OP?

Jumpingthruhoops · 17/06/2023 19:12

Sunnyfeelgood · 17/06/2023 17:54

You weren't just saying that you do

You were saying that we all should

And some of us are just trying to remind you that not everyone is the same. It is a lovely trait to have and I bet your friends really value it and the people who don't have just pulled away over time.

In my friendship group it makes people uncomfortable as our love language is largely quality time and acts of service, not words of affection. So you could come into my group and say it and be told to sod off and stop being so patronising.

Frankly, if my 'lovely trait' gets me told to 'sod off' that's really not a 'friendship group' I'd want to be part of...

mathanxiety · 17/06/2023 20:01

It's possible the dynamics of the friendship started out with the balance of expertise firmly on their side, but now that it has tipped into yours, neither of you are finding it comfortable.

You've outgrown them. They were once your mentors/ proxy parents, but you can manage really well without them now. It's OK to recognize that and move on.

Stay on friendly terms, but try to reduce your need for affirmation from them. Since socialising is one of the elements of your lives that you love, try to establish deeper ties with people you know who are more your equals.

I think you've had a few quite nasty responses on this thread. Don't mind them.

SquirrelSoShiny · 17/06/2023 20:08

HidingInAForest · 17/06/2023 10:02

Hmmm. From your OP you don't actually sound very nice. Very obsessed with how successful you are and proud of yourselves for all your DIY in contrast to those you look down upon. Good friends wouldn't be judging their friends quite as much as you obviously are.

Nothing necessarily to say they're jealous. They may be fed up of the expectation of praise you have or feeling like they have tk play the subservient friend. I wouldn't be surprised!

I think smug people often think others are "jealous."

This.

mumlikeaboss · 17/06/2023 21:27

Cam22 · 17/06/2023 12:09

To be fair to the OP, people sometimes without positive comments or compliments - presumably due to envy.

Or - for me at least - I'm more likely to withhold comment or compliment if it's blatantly obvious that they're way over-pleased with themselves and having a not-so-subtle brag about xyz. And you can usually tell when that's the case.

I don't do it to be mean or petty, it just feels intensely awkward when someone's very obviously sitting there gagging for you to gush over their new extension or kitchen or renovated whatever... It instantly feels like whatever I say will be false and forced. Whereas if people aren't expecting a compliment, it's as easy as pie to give a genuine one.

ScientificallyProcessed · 17/06/2023 22:31

Op won’t be back.

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/06/2023 11:48

ScientificallyProcessed · 17/06/2023 22:31

Op won’t be back.

I don't think she got the response she was looking for!

Kirkmms · 18/06/2023 13:43

Thank you for all your comments. I will reflect on each of them. I provided detail on their family circumstances as an observation, not as judgement, I didn't tell you how supportive, accommodating and understanding of their issues we have been over the years. I felt that detail was important as everything is relative and circumstantial in life - I needed to understand if it's reasonable to believe jealosy is possible when we have so much history. I empathised with them and still do and learnt many years ago to just listen and be there for them. Has been hard to see them going through this and I am well aware that it could happen to us. We have many other friends and do not have this issue with them nor expect applause for what we achieve, but we did expect more from this couple. We do not brag about what we have. We didn't invite them over to see the garden. They visited like they have done over the last years for my husband's birthday. It was hard not to notice that they hadn't commented when everyone else did - and made us wonder why. This project was a full transformation and impossible not to notice it. It's the lack of acknowledgement of our efforts that hurts, the fact that they couldn't bring themselves to say something.... yes, we always commented on everything they did. I think if you have accepted an invitation to dinner then you should make more of an effort to show your friendship. Also, not sure how me having a university degree or not is relevant to this post?

OP posts:
Kirkmms · 18/06/2023 13:46

Thank you - that has been our general feeling.

OP posts:
Kirkmms · 18/06/2023 13:47

mathanxiety · 17/06/2023 20:01

It's possible the dynamics of the friendship started out with the balance of expertise firmly on their side, but now that it has tipped into yours, neither of you are finding it comfortable.

You've outgrown them. They were once your mentors/ proxy parents, but you can manage really well without them now. It's OK to recognize that and move on.

Stay on friendly terms, but try to reduce your need for affirmation from them. Since socialising is one of the elements of your lives that you love, try to establish deeper ties with people you know who are more your equals.

I think you've had a few quite nasty responses on this thread. Don't mind them.

Thank you, this has been our feeling as well.

OP posts:
Throwncrumbs · 18/06/2023 14:02

Kirkmms · 17/06/2023 09:57

we never show off as in point to things we have done, whereas as she would if she had something to show.

‘if she had something to show’ yeah you think your are so much better than them, that comment says it all, I expect they are having the exact same conversation about how to end the friendship with you. You sound stuck up and snobby!!

HidingInAForest · 18/06/2023 14:37

I dont think you've actually taken on board what most people on this thread have said. This is still all about how wonderful you are.

But that's okay. Maybe for your "friend's" sake see less of them?

Kirkmms · 18/06/2023 15:09

Regarding the context added to this post. I am sure I would have gotten very different replies if I had just asked if rude for friends not to comment on house renovation and not given the details? I wonder if some people have actually read the entire message and thought carefully before replying? Or have the empathy they accused me of lacking? I acknowledge that I may not have presented the situation skillfully. However, definitely some food for thought here. Thank you again.

OP posts:
ostwest · 18/06/2023 15:49

When my DSis renovated her kitchen and chose to copy mine, I did not get agitated, but felt proud of my apparent good taste.
No sure why you are still friends with her, as almost every sentence in your OP belittles and degrades her and her family. Leave them alone and go and live your 'luxury and educated' life.

ProfessorXtra · 18/06/2023 16:05

Kirkmms · 18/06/2023 15:09

Regarding the context added to this post. I am sure I would have gotten very different replies if I had just asked if rude for friends not to comment on house renovation and not given the details? I wonder if some people have actually read the entire message and thought carefully before replying? Or have the empathy they accused me of lacking? I acknowledge that I may not have presented the situation skillfully. However, definitely some food for thought here. Thank you again.

People haven’t posted what I’m agreement with you so you think they may not have read it or replied without thinking?

Or maybe they did read, thought about it and that’s what they came up with.

you may have got different replies if you simply posted if it was rude to not comment on renovations. However, you felt the need to put all the detail in to support your position that it was jealousy. Non of it was needed. Unfortunately, that’s what’s so telling about your post.

Your need to have people agree that they must be so jealous, revealed more than you wanted. Often rambling and giving irrelevant detail in an attempt to get more people on side does that.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 18/06/2023 17:45

For me, it was the fact that you felt like you needed people to specifically mention your garden that came off badly. I just can't imagine ever noticing whether someone complimented my home improvements, let alone caring.

The fact that you do is what makes me think that you already don't like these people much.

Birdeegirl · 18/06/2023 18:19

Here's an idea. What about just going out with them on neutral soil like to restaurants and the like? Then neither of you has to be offended by what each other has or doesn't have. You can both bitch (or not say anything?) about other people's decor 😄
Just keep the friendship cool. I know this sounds a bit naughty but just keep them as option b when option a doesn't show up. You don't have to totally eradicate them from your life. Everyone falls out at some point. Everyone gets tired of one another. It's all chocolate boxes and roses in the beginning you have to live with the devil to find them out.
OR just say nicely.. look this isnt working out anymore. Explain the good points of the relationship with them and what they did at the beginning. We always forget the good things people have said and done and it's so sad. Just text them or write a nice letter. Just say to keep in touch but life is busy right now and you don't want to spoil what you already have and want to be on good parting ways.
Maybe? If not.. don't do anything.
Don't water dead plants as they say