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Original poster

Sudden act of aggression

189 replies

Itismeghan · 16/06/2023 21:32

I need some advice on what to do please. Been with husband over 15 years. There’s been no violence or abuse in this time. Then tonight when my 10yo was taking ages to have her drink/snack before bed, ignoring him telling her to hurry up, he lost it and grabbed hold of her and pulled her across the room. She banged her arm on a table and got a red mark. I comforted her and told him he shouldn’t have done that and he said sorry to her and we put the kids to bed. I’ve confronted him about it and he said he shouldn’t have done it but didn’t think it was as serious of an issue as I was making out. He’s upstairs in bed because I said I didn’t know if I could move on from it.

OP posts:
Readyplayerthr33 · 16/06/2023 21:34

It’s never ok. Never.

When your 10 year old is 30 and her husband drags her across the room, will your husband say, “well, it was only once and doesn’t matter?”

Get him out. If he won’t go then pack your stuff, take your child and leave. Now.

Weveforgottenwhoweare · 16/06/2023 21:35

Has it literally come out of nowhere? Things haven't been stressful or tense recently? Not saying it's ok but to imagine his behaviour coming out of nowhere is hard to believe.

Original poster
Itismeghan · 16/06/2023 21:37

Things haven’t been stressy recently. He often gets tetchy when the kids are messing about before bed but nothing physical

OP posts:
PeppermintPorpoise · 16/06/2023 21:42

He assaulted her. The end. He cant be around her anymore and you need to protect her. If she was 25 and said her boyfriend did this to her what would you say?

Has there been any other troubling behavior re DD that isnt overtly violent?

Original poster
Itismeghan · 16/06/2023 21:46

PeppermintPorpoise · 16/06/2023 21:42

He assaulted her. The end. He cant be around her anymore and you need to protect her. If she was 25 and said her boyfriend did this to her what would you say?

Has there been any other troubling behavior re DD that isnt overtly violent?

There hasn’t been anything else. It was disturbing to watch because I haven’t seen anything like it before.

OP posts:
DuckyShincracker · 16/06/2023 21:47

Forgive me if I'm completely wrong but how much smoothing over do you do? Has he never gotten violent before because you are trying very hard to be perfect and are fending off all his stresses?

Original poster
Itismeghan · 16/06/2023 21:49

DuckyShincracker · 16/06/2023 21:47

Forgive me if I'm completely wrong but how much smoothing over do you do? Has he never gotten violent before because you are trying very hard to be perfect and are fending off all his stresses?

That’s not the case. Trying hard to think, but nothing comes to mind.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 16/06/2023 21:52

but didn’t think it was as serious of an issue as I was making out. He’s upstairs in bed because I said I didn’t know if I could move on from it
thats horrifying. He is punishing you for his behaviour towards your child.

what do you hope to get from this thread, op?

Original poster
Itismeghan · 16/06/2023 21:54

PaigeMatthews · 16/06/2023 21:52

but didn’t think it was as serious of an issue as I was making out. He’s upstairs in bed because I said I didn’t know if I could move on from it
thats horrifying. He is punishing you for his behaviour towards your child.

what do you hope to get from this thread, op?

I was hoping someone would tell me I was overreacting because this is out of character and he’s now feeling low about what he did.

OP posts:
Quveas · 16/06/2023 21:56

I absolutely won't excuse it, because there is never any reason for violence. But if there has never been any previous history, it may be the heat. People are notably more aggressive in heat - that's why rioting happens more in summer than in winter. There's a name for it but for the life of me I can't recall it, but there are a number of articles about it, eg https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200817-the-sinister-ways-heatwaves-warp-the-mind

The troubling ways a heatwave can warp your mind

A bit of sunshine can cause many of us to dream of ice cream, sunbathing and beaches, but warm weather can also make us violent, grumpy and depressed. Why?

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200817-the-sinister-ways-heatwaves-warp-the-mind

PaigeMatthews · 16/06/2023 22:12

Itismeghan · 16/06/2023 21:54

I was hoping someone would tell me I was overreacting because this is out of character and he’s now feeling low about what he did.

Show quote history

He isnt feeling low though is he. He said it wasnt a big deal.

hotpotlover · 16/06/2023 22:26

If he's genuinely remorseful and it was a one off and he's feeling bad about it, I think it can be forgiven.

I think every single parent in this world had their moments they aren't proud of and where they could have done things better.

That's just my opinion and I'm aware most people on this thread won't agree with me.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 16/06/2023 22:32

hotpotlover · 16/06/2023 22:26

If he's genuinely remorseful and it was a one off and he's feeling bad about it, I think it can be forgiven.

I think every single parent in this world had their moments they aren't proud of and where they could have done things better.

That's just my opinion and I'm aware most people on this thread won't agree with me.

I agree with this.

If genuinely remorseful and there has never been any concerning behaviour before I'd move past this. But he'd be told in no uncertain terms that if this happens again it's over

Avondale89 · 16/06/2023 22:32

hotpotlover · 16/06/2023 22:26

If he's genuinely remorseful and it was a one off and he's feeling bad about it, I think it can be forgiven.

I think every single parent in this world had their moments they aren't proud of and where they could have done things better.

That's just my opinion and I'm aware most people on this thread won't agree with me.

I agree. I think you need to monitor this very closely and be honest with yourself regarding his behaviour and whether you/the kids are in any danger.
I doubt you’re going to get divorced over this, but it’s time to have a serious conversation with him when you’re feeling up to it. It may have just been a one off, unpleasant thing he did in the moment. But it has to stop there and he needs to show some remorse.

LadyJ2023 · 16/06/2023 22:36

I would make sure in your head your perspective of what you saw it the proper exact story also. Anyway excluding that not sure you sound very supportive when the kids are messing about as it's not like there babies

Wheresthebloodynurofen · 16/06/2023 22:37

It’s up to the child to decide if it’s forgivable.

speak to her op, ask how she feels. He needs to own it, speak to her , apologise, tell her why it was wrong, make her feel safe that he won’t attack her again.

this isn’t about you forgiving him. It’s about your child feeling safe and not being abused. And abused by someone who is supposed to protect her. Someone she shouldn’t be scared of. In her own home/.

flagpie · 16/06/2023 22:41

It’s up to the child to decide if it’s forgivable.

No. It's absolutely not. She is TEN. It's up to her mother to protect her because her father has assaulted her.

If anyone did that to her outside of her home there would be an expectation that the police were called. If he had done this to OP there would be an expectation that the police were called.

Don't let your DD down OP, her father had already done that.

Original poster
Itismeghan · 16/06/2023 22:46

LadyJ2023 · 16/06/2023 22:36

I would make sure in your head your perspective of what you saw it the proper exact story also. Anyway excluding that not sure you sound very supportive when the kids are messing about as it's not like there babies

I’m not sure what you’re accusing me of here?

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 16/06/2023 22:46

hotpotlover · 16/06/2023 22:26

If he's genuinely remorseful and it was a one off and he's feeling bad about it, I think it can be forgiven.

I think every single parent in this world had their moments they aren't proud of and where they could have done things better.

That's just my opinion and I'm aware most people on this thread won't agree with me.

I agree. But only you will know OP if this is genuinely out of the blue. When you are both calm have a proper talk about it.

PaigeMatthews · 16/06/2023 22:47

Why are people sying it is ok he assaulted his ten year old because he is remorseful. He isnt. He said it wasnt a big deal.

It wasn't a big deal.

ill be surprised if op ever comes back. She was shocked enough to post bit for validation is was ok to stay.

where is your line in the sand?

PaigeMatthews · 16/06/2023 22:49

Itismeghan · 16/06/2023 22:46

I’m not sure what you’re accusing me of here?

Show quote history

That probably because of the piss poor literacy level.

op, seriously, is he remorseful? Does he know he was wrong? What has he done since?

Original poster
Itismeghan · 16/06/2023 22:53

PaigeMatthews · 16/06/2023 22:49

That probably because of the piss poor literacy level.

op, seriously, is he remorseful? Does he know he was wrong? What has he done since?

Show quote history

Sorry. I’m very confused. He did apologise to her. He’s been upstairs since I said I didn’t know what to do and is probably now asleep.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 16/06/2023 22:55

Everyone loses it at some point. My dad when I was about 14/15 grabbed me by the neck and threw me up against a wall. He has never done anything before that or since. He lost it. Probably because I was being a little shit. I don’t really remember.

If he realises it’s not ok and apologises to your daughter I think it can be forgiven and moved on from

thaegumathteth · 16/06/2023 22:58

Honestly I'd move past it but I'd make sure he knew it was not ok and let your Dd know it is not ok either and he really needs to apologise seriously for it (again).

If he still doesn't think it's a big deal then that's a different story because then he'll probably do it again.

And it so absolutely not up to your child. Can't believe a pp suggested that.

itsmylife7 · 16/06/2023 23:00

He's apologised and it sounds like one off.
People are extra grumpy and tired from the heat. Humans make mistakes sometimes .

I'm sure he's upset that he's accidentally hurt his child.

Now If you'd said he punched or slapped her, that would be very different.

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