Sudden act of aggression

[Itismeghan]

I need some advice on what to do please. Been with husband over 15 years. There’s been no violence or abuse in this time. Then tonight when my 10yo was taking ages to have her drink/snack before bed, ignoring him telling her to hurry up, he lost it and grabbed hold of her and pulled her across the room. She banged her arm on a table and got a red mark. I comforted her and told him he shouldn’t have done that and he said sorry to her and we put the kids to bed. I’ve confronted him about it and he said he shouldn’t have done it but didn’t think it was as serious of an issue as I was making out. He’s upstairs in bed because I said I didn’t know if I could move on from it.

Goodness me. Big overreaction by the OP. I think it's clear why your DD knows she doesn't have to respect your boundaries. Good luck for the teenage years...

@Dita73 I wouldn't bother replying to them. There's some batshit crazy replies on here. Probably drunk 😂

I'm not drunk, I obviously have a different opinion to many (not sure why when we are talking about a man hurting a child) but that doesn't mean I am drunk. Why is it that no one seems to be able to converse about this without resetting to put downs towards others?

You are right. This is not a situation for massive overreaction. If half the posters on MN are to be believed, there must be a lot of mental pressure on people in real life to be perfect.

I'm not perfect. I don't think anyone is. It's possible to be less than perfect without resorting to violence though. Violent men are dangerous. That's an absolute fact that cannot be denied.

I also agree with the PP who said they've seen punishment threads on MN that are more worrying. Cold, calculated behaviour rather than heat of the moment.

Yeah I'm not a fan of that weird need to control children by being horrible to them either. It's not a one of the other situation. I managed to raise mine without dishing out cunty punishments or violence. Did I always get it right? Fuck no. Absolutely not. What I didn't do was hurt my children, physically or mentally.

I do agree with this too. If it really was a one off and he's apologised to her and explains to her it was very wrong and will never happen again, then surely it doesn't need to be the end of your marriage. If he keeps dismissing it as not a big deal, then that's a different situation. Good luck, it's a horrible situation for you.

If every parent who had ever gotten angry at their child and verbally yelled at them or physically manouvered them in anger was removed from the home, there would be a lot of parentless children.

When I was stroppy teen, my mother lost it one day. She threw a number of objects at me and said some really horrible things to me. I can still vividly remember it to this day as it was so out of character for her to lose it. And even then, I did realize my role in it and that I had pushed her too far. However do I think she should have been removed from the home and cut off from myself and my siblings - no. We have a very good relationship as adults.

OP, if this was rooted in his childhood (versus stress or a poor relationship with your daughter or an anger management issue) it might be good for him to get some counselling. I am sure he feels horrible about it, even if he minimized it in the moment of being accused. Talk to him and talk to your daughter and find a way forward. How would you want him to react if you lost it one day and pulled your child by the arm or screamed at her?

I agree too that being physically aggressive in the heat of the moment is different than doing something with the intention to harm.

The other day in the store I saw a mother who was clearly exasperated with her young 3ish year old child pick him up and plunk him into the cart with far more physical force than was necessary. In that moment she was clearly physically aggressive due to her frustration and wanted to send him a message. Was what she did wrong - yes. Do I think it means her child should be removed from her care and she should be charged with assault and seen as an abuser and denied any further parental role - no.

But yes if I saw an adult pick up another adult using physical force and fling them into a chair in a physically aggressive manner, I would have a different reaction to it. Parent-child dynamic is not the same as adult-adult.

Did I always get it right? Fuck no. Absolutely not. What I didn't do was hurt my children, physically or mentally.

In your opinion. We might judge your actions differently if we knew what you did 'wrong'. It's heartening to see most posters here agree that expecting a relationship to end over this event is an overreaction. Yes, a serious chat needs to be had but LTB? Don't be silly.

Im not the subject of the thread though, so your judgement on me is irrelevant.

Make your judgement on the violent man in question without using other peoples behaviour to justify it.

Me saying I'm not perfect is simply because so many people are sarcastically saying people must be perfect to make a harsh judgement here. No, no I'm not but it doesn't matter either way because it makes no difference to the child in the OP, the only thing that will make a difference to her is her mother's protection. It's all too common situation and the replies on this thread alone just highlight how women are so quick to minimise and excuse the red flags as they start to be raised.

Yes the dynamic is certainly different because the child is vulnerable and physically and mentally incapable to stand up for themselves.
Surely that doesn't make it better?
Yes you can get away with it with a child - with an adult you'd be more likely to have a reckoning upcoming, for example they would go no contact.
Just because a child doesn't have the same options as an adult doesn't mean that it's not essential to have a reckoning in the same way as with an adult.

Thanks for all of the advice. It’s been helpful to read, mostly. To the posters making assumptions that I’m soft on my child and let her get away with things that’s absolutely not the case. She’s well behaved most of the time, it’s not often situations like this arise.

So in the situation I saw that I described her with the mother and preschooler - would you have called police and social services and described her as violent and assaulting her child? Would you want the desired outcome to be no further contact with her child / children?

What would you have done in this dynamic where her child was vulnerable and the mother exasperated? Would you have stepped in yourself in the moment to protect the child and separate from the child from their mother?

Good advice. I will do this today. There’s no yelling or road rage of anything, the only thing he does, maybe once a year, is sulk, if we argue about something.

Im not the subject of the thread though

And yet you took my comment to @Dita73 as referring to you when I was talking about the 2am poster that had just addressed them. Not you.

Stop hijacking the thread and accusing @Dita73 of 'being in a similar situation'. You've clearly never been on the receiving end of a truly violent man.

@PoseyFlump

And yet you took my comment to @Dita73 as referring to you when I was talking about the 2am poster that had just addressed them. Not you.

I didn't take it to mean me specifically. But you were talking plurally so I did think it included me.

Stop hijacking the thread and accusing @Dita73 of 'being in a similar situation'.

It wasn't an accusation it was a 'I wonder if...?'

I'm not hijacking the thread btw, I have as much right to post as anyone else. I'm not trying to shut anyone down either. I may not agree with others but I don't have the right to tell people not to post, neither do you. Repeatedly posting the same thing in the hope that someone somewhere stops defending violence against children isn't hijacking.

You've clearly never been on the receiving end of a truly violent man.

Correct. I heeded the warning signs.

I agree. I've done and said things I've regretted.

Please ignore this OP. You are not responsible for his behaviour. This is old school misogyny.

Just to reassure you, if this or a a similar situation reoccurs. you can call the police and report it as an assault on a minor. They won't take the child straight into care, but the parent could do with being made aware that that behaviour is not good and a parenting course or some other form of help would be offered. And yes, I did intervene loudly and ring the police when I saw a child being abused by a parent in the street. Unfortunately they could not find the child but the child knew that someone cared and tried to help them and that what was happening to them was not ok.

I didn't take it to mean me specifically.

Yes you did. You specifically said you were not drunk.

You can't project your own history onto everyone else's situation that is totally different to yours. As a previous poster said, there would be a lot of parentless children if everyone overreacted like this.

The OP is having accusations flung at her, making it sound like she is soft with her child or isn't safeguarding her daughter. Totally unfair and overreacting. How some of you cope in today's world is beyond me.

Correct. I heeded the warning signs.

That's an arsehole thing to say verging on victim blaming.

If you could possibly explain?

Your comment..

I wouldn't bother replying to them. There's some batshit crazy replies on here. Probably drunk 😂

I took that to mean all the posters you disagreed with. Not one specific poster. Not me. Not someone else. I read it generally and thought it included me, is all.

Also I have no history to project. I have low tolerance for cunts. If someone tells me who they really are, I listen. Making dogs at me because you don't agree with my opinion isn't clever.

Oh give over - it is not an excuse, it is quantifiable scientific fact. An explanation and an excuse are entirely different hings, as most grown ups know. This thread has become the usual MN batshit crazy. Nobody should act with aggression, but show me someone who has never done so, and I'll show you a liar.

You're a disturbing individual.

physically manouvered them in anger

Lol.

The verbal acrobatics that happen on threads involving physical assault/abuse are always hilarious.