Sudden act of aggression

[Itismeghan]

I need some advice on what to do please. Been with husband over 15 years. There’s been no violence or abuse in this time. Then tonight when my 10yo was taking ages to have her drink/snack before bed, ignoring him telling her to hurry up, he lost it and grabbed hold of her and pulled her across the room. She banged her arm on a table and got a red mark. I comforted her and told him he shouldn’t have done that and he said sorry to her and we put the kids to bed. I’ve confronted him about it and he said he shouldn’t have done it but didn’t think it was as serious of an issue as I was making out. He’s upstairs in bed because I said I didn’t know if I could move on from it.

Okay then. In which case I stand corrected apparently modelling domestic abuse to a girl will cause her to become an abuser and will cause a boy to become a victim of abuse despite many studies to the contrary.

Doesnt really change my point though. The poster was asking if physically aggressive behaviour was okay for boys if we had said it was bad for girls. I said it was bad either way.

That was my point and Im bored of the nitpicking now. I get the impression you wont be happy unless I say that girls and women are just as likely to be violent as boys and men. And thats not true. But being agressive to boys and girls is equally bad.

totally over dramatic.

@flagpie hyper-vigilance is not a negative thing, no. I have it myself. It can be very useful but therapy helps to see it for what it is. It can curtail your enjoyment of life if you allow it. You end up seeing danger everywhere and you don't want to leave your home.

As much as I have suffered at the hands of violent men, I can't get behind the 'LTB' as a first reaction by some on here. Only the OP knows if she is being truthful by stating there have been zero red flags before this incident. The sensible answer is to talk and state it must not happen again.

That's not how I live at all

You have assumed because you don't agree with me saying this is a violent act and the child should be protected that I see danger everywhere, that I need therapy. I am trying hard not to get too involved in a debate about me because this thread is about in innocent child. But please can you just stop with the hyper vigilance etc? I don't agree with violence and I can't work out why you are so keen to suggest I have flaws because of it.

But what was the violence? There have been hundreds of posts and I don't think we know what actually happened.

I don't think there has been any addition to what was put in the first post. If there has and I have missed it, then this post is probably a waste of time. Apologies in advance.

All i think we know is he lost it, grabbed hold of her and pulled her across the room.

Dragging a small child across a room could be horrendously violent or it could be an exaggerated description where a hand is placed on the arm of a misbehaving 10 year old child with the intention of ushering her upstairs. It might appear more violent if the child pulled her arm away, banged her arm in the process and pretended she was far more hurt than she was.

So perhaps ask yourself some questions about the violent incident. Such as: how far did he pull her? How did he grab her - did he place a hand on her arm or did he yank her across the room? What did the OP mean when she said he lost it - was that simply because he grabbed her or was it because he was screaming and threatening? How was the 5p sized bruise actually caused? Did the child react and pull away - which I wouldn't blame her for? Did the child exaggerate her injury - which I would blame her for.

I think if we had seen the incident there would be less disagreement. But I suspect we are all imagining different things and that is colouring our criticism or occasional exoneration of the father.

I occasionally lost it with my kids when they were small and everyone was tired and it was the end of a long hot day. I'm not proud of myself but I would have been devastated if my then husband decided to divorce me and split a whole family up on the basis of that one time. Talk to your Dh and explain how it's made you feel. Monitor things and if they don't improve then make a decision based on that.

Violence Dictionary Definition:

behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.

He did not intend to hurt his daughter. This is not violence.

Recent study University College London (2021)
Boys are more likely to be smacked than girls in childhood.

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/ioe/news/2021/jan/smacking-young-children-has-long-lasting-effects

Thanks for sharing that @Comfortablechairs .

Tbh I dont know why in a thread about a young girl we have a poster determined to centre boys....

When my son was 14 he was being very annoying to me and his younger sibling, I was shouting at him and he took no notice of me, his dad, who never raised a hand to either of them had just about had enough, he grabbed hold of my son quite abruptly and really lost it (only shouting) with him, my son was so shocked that he wet himself!
I was fuming with my husband and told him that if he ever did anything like that to my son again that would be it.
Forward 26 years, my son is 40 now and his dad always says that this incident was his biggest regret ever, he will never forget it and it still plays on his mind!
I'm just trying to say that even the mildest person has a breaking point but it doesn't mean that his behaviour will be repeated!

Once this line is crossed, it’s easier to cross again, like any domestic violence.
Don’t listen to his point of view, he’ll be creating a narrative to make it easier on himself and perhaps justify his actions.
I was abused by the father, I can still remember the powerless and fear I felt when he took out his aggression on me.
It really is a big deal.

Its abuse

This might sound like I am making excuses - which I am not - but something similar happened with my Dad (although thankfully no violence) he suddenly became really really angry often and couldn’t see why anyone had a problem with it.

To cut a long story short - after forcing him to visit the GP and explaining the sudden change in behaviour, it turned out it was a neurological issue.

Like I said, not making excuses but sudden changes in behaviour can be medical. I would monitor and act accordingly.

Obviously the most important thing is keeping your children (and yourself) safe and I hope you can do that.