Sudden act of aggression

[Itismeghan]

I need some advice on what to do please. Been with husband over 15 years. There’s been no violence or abuse in this time. Then tonight when my 10yo was taking ages to have her drink/snack before bed, ignoring him telling her to hurry up, he lost it and grabbed hold of her and pulled her across the room. She banged her arm on a table and got a red mark. I comforted her and told him he shouldn’t have done that and he said sorry to her and we put the kids to bed. I’ve confronted him about it and he said he shouldn’t have done it but didn’t think it was as serious of an issue as I was making out. He’s upstairs in bed because I said I didn’t know if I could move on from it.

Funny how men don't try to "physically manoeuvre" other men who could hurt them, no matter how angry or frustrated they are making them. They manage to keep a lid on their anger then eh

What? They absolutely do! Men are very physical with other men. They absolutely do not keep a lid on their anger when around other men. The stats of male victims of physical aggression / violence is far higher than women.

I think people are assuming this because you made the bedtime messing seem like a regular thing that causes friction between your husband and children in the post where you describe it as making him 'tetchy'. That and the fact that you mention that your dd was ignoring her dad, not us, just him. You made it sound like you were just an observer of your dds poor behaviour while he dad was trying to deal with it and was being ignored.

Man drags a young girl across a room banging her into furniture for not doing something as fast as he wants

Its her own fault and yours too for being soft on her

Man drags his wife across a room banging her into furniture for not doing something as fast as he wants

Why is your self esteem so low that you think it's okay for someone to do these things to you? Why isnt your bar higher? Why do you stay with someone like this

Im pretty sure there is a link between these somewhere.....

The red flags for me are:

He doesn't think it's that bad
He's gone to bed because you said you werent sure if you could move on from it - him going to bed is about your reaction to it not his

He doesn't think this is serious. If he doesn't think this is serious then he wont spend any time examining his behaviour, working out what caused his reaction and coming up with ways to change his reaction in future.

You said your child is normally well behaved and this kind of behaviour doesnt normally happen from her. So basically he doesn't normally need to get violent.

So unless he is willing to confront his behaviour, realise it was problematic and come up with ways to react differently you are just going to have to rely on your DD continuing her good behaviour through her teen years so as to not set him off again.

Ah, that must be why ops listed a litany of assaults on other men by her husband.

The best post it so far.

No, the won’t. Men are violent against other men. Men killed more other men than they kill women. They just ALSO kill and are violent towards women.

Male violence is just violence against other men and also against women. Men are, simply put, violent. Doesn’t matter if the sex of the other person is male or female.

Sorry I wasn’t clear. She is well behaved but like every child there are times when she doesn’t do exactly what we would like, not necessarily full scale misbehaving. At these times he get more frustrated than I do, not abusive or violent.
We’ve had a chat and he’s accepted he was wrong to say I was overreacting and has apologised again.

We’ve had a chat and he’s accepted he was wrong to say I was overreacting and has apologised again.

Did he also say he was wrong for what he did?

He had already said that last night but yes he’s said it again.

you call us batshit for having opinions that differ from yours? I have written quite a lot on MN about my own experience of violence. I have zero tolerance of sudden aggression. This sudden act of aggression came from nowhere and disturbed the op and may have frightened dd. It would of course be disruptive to leave the marriage but “mistakes” have consequences. If a mistake you made ended in a serious injury or death you would still go to prison. “Aggression” (to use op’s euphemism) is a bottom line for me.

But did you have a sudden loss of control resulting in such aggression that your other half was “disturbed”?

I think a lot of people on here are getting defensive because they have had outbursts at their children and don’t want to be told that they should have been made to leave the family. But unless I have read this all wrong this situation is different to those where you lost your temper. The op is describing something that shocked and worried her. I wonder why this was her reaction. What did she see in her husband that makes this different?

She was disturbed because it was so out of character. Not because it was so aggressive.

Jesus, all the people telling OP to leave him...

That seems like a MASSIVE over-reaction to an incident that has never happened before.
None of us are perfect, and we've all done things as parents - in the heat of the moment - that we're not very proud of. Frankly, I'd argue that throwing him out of the house would be more traumatic to DD long-term than "I wasn't doing what I was told, so dad lost his temper, pulled me and I bumped my arm."

The alternative is DD sitting there, aged 30, thinking "the one time dad got a bit physical with me, because I was being rude, ended my parents marriage. If only I'd behaved myself." I'd argue that would be far worse.

He has apologised. Let it go. How has DD woken up this morning?

She’s happy, but does have a little bruise size if 5p on her arm.

Your husband has apologised to your daughter but she still needs to apologise for her bad behaviour.

Erm, no to all, it's nothing to do with me, I'm not here to right all the world's wrongs!
I'd probably I'd think "oh dear, they're having a tough time" and carry on with my day.

My point in the above post, in the context of your example - if that lady did that to her partner/sister/friend then they would be more likely to have a "wtf was that?" conversation later and sort it out and discuss it. But because the child is less likely to have that ability, only the adult could initiate the concession, so it is less likely to happen, so it carries on.

She hasn’t listed a litany of assaults on women by her husband either.
I really don’t think that men (physically) attacking other men is such a rare occurrence.

Oh a certain type of man will get violent with other men.

Their numbers compared to men who bully and abuse their female partners and kids (while never challenging other men physically) are much much higher though.

*lower, that should be

To see this minimized as the heat making a father violent, as the fault of the mother for not instilling discipline, or even worse, as an 'accident', is predictable but unsurprising.

It was not an accident. Nor was it the fault of the mother or the child. Those making these dismissive, incorrect claims are overlooking the straightforward law of cause and effect. The child's father dragged her across the room. As a result of that action, she hit and bruised her arm. His action caused the injury to happen, therefore his action was wholly responsible.

If he can't comprehend this fact, then this is a large red flag that would deeply concern me if this were my husband and daughter.

As to whether his was a 'serious assault', I don't know as I didn't witness it. Some of the posts are doubtless over-reactions to a situation we are not privy to, but @Catchasingmewithspiders's post above is about as measured as it gets on this thread and gives numerous reasons why OP should be concerned.

Some women will do anything to divest men of responsibility for their actions. It's a depressing but persistent theme on this site.

Jesus, these posts always bring out the drama llamas. According to your logic nobody born before the mid-Eighties should have been allowed to live with their own parents!

He's apologised, DD is OK, the bump on the table wasn't intended. Move on.

I was about to post the same thing - when I was a child in the late 70's, by this reckoning ALL the children I knew would have grown up in a 'broken home'.

And for what it's worth, it was my mum that used to lose her rag, not my dad.

Was she eating in the lounge room or kitchen or something, OP? I know it's not the main point of the topic but just wondering why she couldn't have just taken her drink and snack to her room. And it was a weekend so it's not like she had to go to bed early.