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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sudden act of aggression

189 replies

Itismeghan · 16/06/2023 21:32

I need some advice on what to do please. Been with husband over 15 years. There’s been no violence or abuse in this time. Then tonight when my 10yo was taking ages to have her drink/snack before bed, ignoring him telling her to hurry up, he lost it and grabbed hold of her and pulled her across the room. She banged her arm on a table and got a red mark. I comforted her and told him he shouldn’t have done that and he said sorry to her and we put the kids to bed. I’ve confronted him about it and he said he shouldn’t have done it but didn’t think it was as serious of an issue as I was making out. He’s upstairs in bed because I said I didn’t know if I could move on from it.

OP posts:
Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:00

I agree with @Gymmum82 She wasn’t doing as she was told and he’s lost it. He didn’t hit her or anything. She banged her arm on a table,he didn’t do it. He probably feels awful and it will never happen again. If it does then you reassess things. I’m not dismissing it but I wouldn’t see it as a major issue

grumpycow1 · 16/06/2023 23:04

Gymmum82 · 16/06/2023 22:55

Everyone loses it at some point. My dad when I was about 14/15 grabbed me by the neck and threw me up against a wall. He has never done anything before that or since. He lost it. Probably because I was being a little shit. I don’t really remember.

If he realises it’s not ok and apologises to your daughter I think it can be forgiven and moved on from

I’m sorry but not everyone loses it to this extent. That’s never ok, whether it was a one off or not.

grumpycow1 · 16/06/2023 23:06

OP I don’t know what I would do either. I agree that I’d chat to daughter and see if she feels safe. I’d want to protect my kids at all costs even if it meant DH moving out. End of the day it is assault.

flagpie · 16/06/2023 23:09

@Dita73

She banged her arm on a table,he didn’t do it.

He was dragging her across the room, how can you twist that into 'she did it' Sad

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:10

@flagpie i didn’t twist anything! I was quoting the OP

flagpie · 16/06/2023 23:11

Gymmum82 · 16/06/2023 22:55

Everyone loses it at some point. My dad when I was about 14/15 grabbed me by the neck and threw me up against a wall. He has never done anything before that or since. He lost it. Probably because I was being a little shit. I don’t really remember.

If he realises it’s not ok and apologises to your daughter I think it can be forgiven and moved on from

I'm sorry but everyone may 'lose it' but not everyone will be violent towards their children.

You are very lucky and in the minority that it didn't happen again. Most men get forgiven the first time and that is how it escalates. Have you any idea how many women and children die at the hands of their partners/fathers? Too many.

flagpie · 16/06/2023 23:12

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:10

@flagpie i didn’t twist anything! I was quoting the OP

You absolutely did twist it. You said he didn't 'do it' when talking about her banging her arm on the table, as if she chose that. She was being violently dragged across a room and was injured as a result of that. How dare you say he didn't do it Hmm

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:15

@flagpie oh have a day off! I wasn’t implying she chose it at all. You’re being a drama Queen

Smartiepants79 · 16/06/2023 23:18

PaigeMatthews · 16/06/2023 22:12

He isnt feeling low though is he. He said it wasnt a big deal.

Show quote history

I think I agree with this.
We’ve all had a our less than stellar moments with our children.
I read plenty of threads on here from mothers who’ve lost their shit because their child has stepped on their last nerve.
Sometimes it’s verbal or maybe a smack on the legs etc
most of the time that mother is told to give themselves a break and apologise and then move on and try to be better.
It’s very rarely described as an assault and they don’t get told they can never be around their child again.

flagpie · 16/06/2023 23:19

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:15

@flagpie oh have a day off! I wasn’t implying she chose it at all. You’re being a drama Queen

I'm being realistic and you were minimising a serious assault.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 16/06/2023 23:20

Gymmum82 · 16/06/2023 22:55

Everyone loses it at some point. My dad when I was about 14/15 grabbed me by the neck and threw me up against a wall. He has never done anything before that or since. He lost it. Probably because I was being a little shit. I don’t really remember.

If he realises it’s not ok and apologises to your daughter I think it can be forgiven and moved on from

Strangulation or being pinned by the neck is one of the biggest signs that domestic violence will escalate to murder

So no, not everyone loses it at some point and pins teenage girls by their necks against a wall.

But those who do are 6 times more likely to kill that girl/woman the next time they do it.

You are lucky it never happened again. Other people are not as lucky.

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:22

@flagpie serious assault?!! This has to be a wind up! She wasn’t doing as she was told,he’s got angry and grabbed her to move her and her arm has ACCIDENTALLY been banged!

Candymay · 16/06/2023 23:27

hotpotlover · 16/06/2023 22:26

If he's genuinely remorseful and it was a one off and he's feeling bad about it, I think it can be forgiven.

I think every single parent in this world had their moments they aren't proud of and where they could have done things better.

That's just my opinion and I'm aware most people on this thread won't agree with me.

I totally agree with this.
I would hope to be forgiven if I made an error in parenting. I make lots of mistakes and am often stressed. I haven’t hurt my children but I think an apology and assurance that it will not happen again would be first thing to get out in the open.

flagpie · 16/06/2023 23:27

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:22

@flagpie serious assault?!! This has to be a wind up! She wasn’t doing as she was told,he’s got angry and grabbed her to move her and her arm has ACCIDENTALLY been banged!

Her arm was not accidentally banged. It was the result of an absolute deliberate act of violence.

These threads send shivers down my spine. The amount of violent attacks people are willing to deny is seriously worrying. A good indicator of how these things are able to escalate though.

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:29

@flagpie YABU and completely overreacting. I give up. Spend your life wrapped up in cotton wool

Catchasingmewithspiders · 16/06/2023 23:30

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:22

@flagpie serious assault?!! This has to be a wind up! She wasn’t doing as she was told,he’s got angry and grabbed her to move her and her arm has ACCIDENTALLY been banged!

So if someone pulled you across a room banging you into a piece of furniture on the way would you say "oh dont worry I banged my arm you didnt do it"

Because this is what you are saying here:

The OP
he lost it and grabbed hold of her and pulled her across the room

You
She banged her arm on a table,he didn’t do it.

She didn't bang her arm herself. He did do it. He did it by grabbing her and forcefully pulling her across the room and banging her into furniture on the way. This is not the 10 year olds fault. This is the grown mans fault.

It doesn't matter if he is feeling bad now. I wouldn't want to live in a house with a man who thinks its okay to drag me across a room if I dont move as fast as he wants me to. And a ten year old shouldn't have to live with that either.

If he realised it was as bad as it is that would be one thing, but hes downplaying the seriousness of of the act. Which means he may do it again, because he doesn't think it's that bad in the first place.

georgianwindow · 16/06/2023 23:32

Threads like this are really worrying as there is a lot of minimising of physical assault (that is what it is whether it is nice to say or not) just because a child was taking too long to eat a snack.

Many generations before the current young generation were parented with physical or verbal reprimands which can cloud judgment as to what is/isn't acceptable because of past trauma. Physically dragging a child across a room is never ok. How would you all react if your dh dragged you across a room for not doing as you were told?

georgianwindow · 16/06/2023 23:34

And IMO there are no excuses for losing your cool enough with a child that you react physically. Especially "maybe it's the heat".

Maybe DH has some of his own stuff he needs to work through. Was he physically punished as a child?

Original poster
Itismeghan · 16/06/2023 23:37

georgianwindow · 16/06/2023 23:34

And IMO there are no excuses for losing your cool enough with a child that you react physically. Especially "maybe it's the heat".

Maybe DH has some of his own stuff he needs to work through. Was he physically punished as a child?

I did ask this before he went to bed and he said he was dragging across the room as a child. He’s never mentioned this before though.

OP posts:
Cailleachian · 16/06/2023 23:37

This is not a serious assault.

This is poor parenting and recklessness. He had no intention of harming her, and the injury was minimal. He recognises it wasnt good behaviour, hence the apology, but at the same time, you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

flagpie · 16/06/2023 23:38

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:29

@flagpie YABU and completely overreacting. I give up. Spend your life wrapped up in cotton wool

I wonder if the reason you are so keen to excuse violence is that it's your normal? I cant understand why anyone would look at the situation described and say 'he didn't do it' when talking about the child's arm which got banged as her father dragged her across the room. You seem to think name calling and making digs is a reasonable way to have a discussion and I'm trying to work out if you live in a toxic situation and are just so used to that type of communication or if you just don't have the ability to recognise violence.

It's terrifying that people are happy to excuse violence against children.

I don't live in cotton wool btw, I am in a long term marriage where we communicate well, treat each other nicely and don't use violence.

GottaGirlcrush · 16/06/2023 23:38

If this was a frazzled mother it would be a case of a thread full of supportive posts

Nobody would be telling her to leave

flagpie · 16/06/2023 23:40

GottaGirlcrush · 16/06/2023 23:38

If this was a frazzled mother it would be a case of a thread full of supportive posts

Nobody would be telling her to leave

You are not wrong. I have seen many threads excusing violent women too. Depressing.

georgianwindow · 16/06/2023 23:40

I wonder if there was more that went on that he hasn't mentioned. It can drag up past trauma and resentment towards parents so not everyone talks about it until they have to. It isn't nice admitting your parents should have done better than they did.

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:44

@flagpie namecalling?! Where exactly?! No it’s not my norm at all. Happily been with my husband since I was 18. Fantastic parents still married. Never been hit in my life. Two daughters grown up. Happy,healthy and they were never hit either. There were times over the years when I’d have like to have strangled them but I didn’t. As I said before,you’re overreacting and I stand by it