Sudden act of aggression

[Itismeghan]

I need some advice on what to do please. Been with husband over 15 years. There’s been no violence or abuse in this time. Then tonight when my 10yo was taking ages to have her drink/snack before bed, ignoring him telling her to hurry up, he lost it and grabbed hold of her and pulled her across the room. She banged her arm on a table and got a red mark. I comforted her and told him he shouldn’t have done that and he said sorry to her and we put the kids to bed. I’ve confronted him about it and he said he shouldn’t have done it but didn’t think it was as serious of an issue as I was making out. He’s upstairs in bed because I said I didn’t know if I could move on from it.

Just reading a current thread from a mother who admits to be 'rough' with her four year old. Such sympathy and understanding from posters

I hate my 4 yr old www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4829369-i-hate-my-4-yr-old

I imagine being rough is ok if it is from a mother but not ok from a father or being physically rough with a four year old boy is ok in some posters eyes although I think a four year old is more vulnerable than a ten year old. It does seem mothers rush to support other mothers but are damning if it is a Dad or perhaps some posters on here think physical punishment is ok if it is directed at a boy?

That poster describes being 'rough' as shouting.

These situations are not comparable.

No she didn't.

She said I can get rough with him and then later gave one example where she said she pushed him away with her arm and shouted.

There are numerous women on this thread who have experienced violence both as a child and an adult (myself included) who do not think this situation is 'violent' and just needs a good talk between the adults.

I would advise anyone who is projecting their own fears on every little situation in their life and overreacting, to consider therapy. It is very helpful in dealing with the real world of imperfection and to calm hyper-vigilance.

She said I can get rough with him and then later gave one example where she said she pushed him away with her arm and shouted.

He was biting her so she pushed with that arm and shouted. Don't be comparing that action to one of dragging s child across the room.

I don't condone her actions any more than his but let's keep it real. She reacted badly to being hurt. He chose violence because his child wasn't doing what he wanted/

Not the same.

I feel sorry for the mother of the four year old but can you imagine the outrage on here if a Dad pushed his four year old daughter and shouted. It is sad that some posters( talking about other current threads on here) think that boys need physical/ emotional punishments. It shows the different attitudes held by some posters with regards to behaviour management of boys and girls.

Imagine suggesting therapy to people who can see a violent man for what he is

It's not us that need the therapy

I want to make it clear that I don't blame the mother or the father in these two cases and I said so on the first thread. However, in my opinion some posters are much harsher in their attitudes to the treatment of little boys compared to girls.

Her thread was titled that she hated her child and could get rough with him.

You have no idea what happened with that child in that house.

Your hatred of men or a misogynist's hatred of women don't actually make your point any stronger - they just make it driven by sexism.

Her thread was titled that she hated her child and could get rough with him.

You have no idea what happened with that child in that house.

Quite, I can only go on what was said.

Juts to be absolutely clear, I'm not defending her actions in any way.

I haven't read that thread so Im not replying specifically about it

However, on this thread my concern was that a man dragging a ten year old girl across a room because she didnt behave how he wanted would lead to her thinking that sort of behaviour was normal in adulthood and therefore making her vulnerable to an abusive relationship

If it had been a man dragging a ten year old boy across a room because he didnt behave how he wanted my concern would be that that sort of behaviour might be considered normal by the boy leading him to be abusive in an adult relationship.

Its just as important, if not more important, to model relationships that dont get aggressive when upset or annoyed to little boys.

And as for the 'it wouldn't be okay if it was the mum' comments. I was abused by my mum growing up. No it wouldnt be okay.

@Freefall212

Your hatred of men or a misogynist's hatred of women don't actually make your point any stronger - they just make it driven by sexism.

Eh?

I don't like violence, I have said this multiple times.

I don't hate men, in fact I really fucking like men. And women. People in general. I just don't like violent people.

If we could maybe stop making huge assumptions about misogyny and hatred that would be great.

Why would the same action and being oulled across a room by an adult lead one child to further victiminization and the other to become an abuser?

He was 100% wrong and it must never happen again.

For DD - there is a time when sbmnack goes in the bin. And that is it. Make a rule, agree a consequence with her and DH. That is all.

But there is to be no more violence

There's a thread running about a teenage DS who shoved his mum, she banged into a wall and got a black eye. Plenty of posters saying "but he didn't give her a black eye"

Just for context

Because a girl being subjected to violent behaviour by a man may think men being violent is normal

And a boy being subjected to violent behaviour by a man may think that men being violent is normal

Only one of them is going to grow up to be a man though.

Studies have found that women who were abused as children are twice as likely to be domestically abused as adults.

And studies have found that boys that have been abused are more likely to become abusive with their partners in adulthood than those who have not been abused.

Now in both cases it could go a different way. As I said my mum was abusive so I am well aware women can be abusive and I am also aware that men can be victims of domestic abused.

But I was speaking in general terms not specific terms, the the senarios I presented where the more likely ones.

Either way my point is still relevant despite the nitpicking. Modeling physically abusive behaviours to boys and girls can cause problems for them in adult relationships.

It's coming across as hatred of men because you don't seem to be capable of judging different situations. A man is involved = violence = LTB. That's too severe. Sounds like hyper-vigilance to me.

No-one is defending 'violent' men here. You thinking they are is worrying.

Have you talked to him about how your dd is going to listen to you and get to bed when asked? He realised he over reacted but it sounds like this is an ongoing problem, your own dc not doing what they should be doing ?

I just disagree with your view that boys / men can't be victims, they can only be abusers-in-training.

I was speaking in very very general terms

96% of abusers in domestic abuse situations are men.

Therefore 96% of victims are women.

So statistically if parents are modelling aggressive behaviours as standard to children I am going to be more concerned that the girls will become victims of abusive relationships and the boys will become the perpetrators of them. Because studies and statistics tell me thats more likely.

That doesn't mean I dont care about the 4% of male victims and the 4% of female perpetrators.

But there is a theme as the poster I was replying to brought up that physical chastisment to boys is okay in a way it isnt to girls. But in my mind its just as bad.

You are basing "my views" off one post in reply to one poster and assuming that I don't know real life is more nuanced than that.

And I have never ever said that boys cannot be victims. I have in fact said the opposite of that in the post you were just replying to.

Your stats about males as victims are wrong. It is much higher than 4%. There are many reports on domestic violence. Domestic violence is not actualy just men as perpetrators and women as victims at all. That is a bandied about thing on social media but not reflected in actual studies.

Here is what I'd do:

• tell him if he displays aggression to the children or you again, he will have to leave.

• it isn't enough to reassure you that 'it won't happen again'. Unless he makes a tangible effort to understand why he lost control, he will have to leave

• your first responsibility is to your kids because they can't protect themselves. Unless he engages in therapy to understanding why he reacted with aggression to regular child behaviour,, it's over

• you also need to know if he is using alcohol or any drugs such as codeine or something stronger. Don't assume you'd notice (speaking from bitter experience)

It's coming across as hatred of men because you don't seem to be capable of judging different situations. A man is involved = violence = LTB. That's too severe. Sounds like hyper-vigilance to me.

You can call it what you like but when a brown man is dragging a child across a room I will absolutely judge that as a situation where the child needs an adult to protect them )which is the advice I gave btw, not LTB. It's not me saying it's violent because a man did it. It would be just as bad if a women had done it. But she didn't. He did. Do I can only attribute this act of violence to that one man. That is me judging the individual situation.

This 'hyper vigilance' you keep throwing at me? It's not the negative you think it is if it means protecting a child for violence. I don't agree I'm being hyper vigilant at all though. Juts sensible.

No-one is defending 'violent' men here. You thinking they are is worrying.

There are many people on this thread defending the action of a violent man.

Urgh. A GROWN man - obviously