Sudden act of aggression

[Itismeghan]

I need some advice on what to do please. Been with husband over 15 years. There’s been no violence or abuse in this time. Then tonight when my 10yo was taking ages to have her drink/snack before bed, ignoring him telling her to hurry up, he lost it and grabbed hold of her and pulled her across the room. She banged her arm on a table and got a red mark. I comforted her and told him he shouldn’t have done that and he said sorry to her and we put the kids to bed. I’ve confronted him about it and he said he shouldn’t have done it but didn’t think it was as serious of an issue as I was making out. He’s upstairs in bed because I said I didn’t know if I could move on from it.

Well said comfortablechairs.

Ffs, I agree that some people seem to be massively overreacting.

By ‘drag across the room’, I assume you mean he took her arm and led her to the other side (quickly), and she happened to bang it on the way? Like you would a toddler who refuses to hold your hand while crossing the road? You’d grab their arm and off you go.

Not an ideal thing to do out of anger but really not a big deal imo, especially if he hasn’t displayed any aggression before.

You wouldn’t necessarily know this offhand, but now that it has been mentioned you might see it more and more.

If this truly was a one off, I think a key factor here is how he behaves tomorrow. By that I mean that he should be able to have a calm and rational discussion with you about this incident and about his behaviour. He should be able to listen to you calmly express your feelings about what happened without becoming defensive, rationalizing his actions, or defending his behaviour. He should be willing to explore what may have made him react the way he did and accept that the responsibility for it is all on him, not on DD for 'acting up'.

If he becomes angry, if he tries to sweep it under the rug, or tries to DARVO, those are red flags.

But I agree with others that you need to consider his past behaviour very carefully. Not simply whether or not he's ever become violent with you/DD in the past but also yelling, sulking, or 'disappearing' because he's angry/unhappy. Also patterns of behaviour outside the home. I'm talking about road rage (including yelling inside the car), anger/problems with coworkers, arguments/grudges with friends or relatives. People with nasty tempers are very good at directing them towards certain people they perceive as 'safe' (ie won't fight back) or during certain events. The problem is that they can't always control it and it often spills over into other 'channels'.

You know full well it means that her hand hit the table as he dragged her - which he had no business doing.

what is all this nonsense about it being a one-off? As though we’re all given a free pass for one act of violence. There is no such thing.

If they dragged their kid across the room I would tell those mums they need help. As does anyone who loses it like that.

I am starting to wonder about your situation. You seem to be in denial. What’s going on with you? Are you in a similar situation yourself?

You think violent men don’t show remorse? That they don’t retire to bed to nurse their hurt feelings? they are full of feeling - that’s what drives the violence.

@flagpie serious assault?!! This has to be a wind up! She wasn’t doing as she was told,he’s got angry and grabbed her to move her and her arm has ACCIDENTALLY been banged!
In bringing up 3 DC, I lost my temper twice. I wish I hadn't, certainly not my finest hour, but I consider myself a reasonable parent not one that assaulted my DC, and I'm sure they would agree with me.

But op describes it as a sudden and disturbing act of aggression. That is nothing like you are describing.

To me it it depends what you mean by grabbed her. Did he take her by the arm and she started flailing around dramatically and it turned into something it wasn't meant to be?

It sounds like bed time is in your children's hands in your house, your 10yr old was enjoying the power play of extending her bed time and ignoring her dad(and does this on a regular basis) and you were doing what? I wouldn't have grabbed her but I also wouldn't sit watching a 10yr old arsing about before bed. There are certain times, especially before they hit the teenage years that they have to learn that rules are rules, you are in charge and you can see what she is doing and won't entertain it. It seems like you and your dh need to back each other up more before tensions rise, letting power plays like this go for an easy life isn't the way, it will only ramp up as she gets older.

I’d ignore this reply - for some reason MN’ers seem to think there’s a decade of violence behind every outburst.
Not always the case!

Agreed. It's not great, but put it this way, OP would be doing far more damage to her child than this incident if she were to divorce her husband because people on Mumsnet told her to

Get him to read "The Book You Wish Your Parents Read" by Phillipa Perry. To find the underlying cause.

I agree, some massive overreactions here, by lots of people acting like they have never got cross and behaved in not the best light.

I doubt dad was just angry she was taking too long to eat/drink before bed. Does no one think kids of that age are clever enough to purposefully drag out the time it takes to do a task before bed, to avoid bedtime? Give over. I tried it on when I was a kid (and got put right pretty fucking quickly!) OP said herself 'she was ignoring him', and from the tone of the post I'm willing to hedge a bet it happens a lot that she ignores her parents, and mum defends children, and dad lost his temper today. I also think he's being treated a lot differently than if it were a woman that lost her temper with her child, going from posts I've seen, including ones where they've smacked their children, and still been told by mumsnet 'it's okay, no ones perfect'.

There's a lot of bratty-ass children being raised, to ignore their parents/those responsible for them. I don't think the go to answer should be dragging them across the room, of course, though I can certainly see how it happens to children who choose not to respect what their parents say and behave obnoxiously toward them. Parents are, after all, responsible for setting rules for children. The kids don't get to choose on some of them, thems the breaks.

I'd be questioning why she was ignoring her dad, and what I and he could do to prevent that behaviour next time, and move on from it. I have a feeling they take the piss out of him, and you encourage them by being soft on them.

I don't condone hitting, dragging, or anything of the sort. Simply saying, I understand how it can happen, this wasn't a smack. He told her to do something, she ignored him, he took her arm and walked fast the direction he'd told her to go, and her arm got accidently knocked. Maybe none of this would have happened if a) you and him were on the same page as to how to deal with these behaviours, b) he maybe educates himself on how to deal with the behaviours and c) then you together, work on your children not ignoring their parents.

I think you and your husband need a good chat tomorrow. His behaviour needs to be addressed, but also yours and your children. See how, as a family, you can work together to create harmony.

I won't excuse it, but here's an excuse.

Honestly there's a good range of opinions on this thread already but here's my 2p.
I don't think dragging itself is wrong if it's done with best interests at heart. And the dragging should be a self prompt to think things through later and try to come up with a solution that doesn't involve dragging. If the dragging involves high emotion then that's a second reason to think things through.

I've dragged lots of times, sometimes justifiable (stops walking in the middle of the road, going to miss a doctor's appointment) and sometimes not justifiable (he's constantly chattering and not getting ready for bed and I'm tired and want to pass out on the sofa) although I try to say you've got 5 second to do whatever it is before I help.

As long as I can think it through, repair properly (sorry for X, I was feeling Y, next time I will Z, is that ok?) then it should be alright in the long term.
Having a partner I can talk things through without judgement really helps.

I think in your partner's case he needs to understand what his emotion was telling him and you can think through a technique to use when he gets closer to that stage in future. No point in saying "don't..." something, think about ideas what to do in that situation. It could be too say "I'm too angry to deal with this" and go outside to cool off. Or it could be too have a hug. Or if it's early enough before the anger it could be "you've got 10 second to start going upstairs or I'll help" and that 10 seconds is enough to calm down on both sides so any dragging happens in a gentle way rather than an angry way

Good luck, all that is my 2p and I know it won't work for everyone. Especially given each family dynamic will have it's own unique set of emotions triggered by it all.

@Fisharejumping no I’m not. If you read the thread I’ve already said that I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve been hit

Agree. I would be really cross but as a one-off I could comfortably write this off to heat/moment of madness. He didn’t swing at her. Once in 15 years, yes I think you’re overreacting (but good to be clear to him that physical contact in anger is not ok).

This. 💯.

Yep!

@Dita73 I wouldn't bother replying to them. There's some batshit crazy replies on here. Probably drunk 😂

You are right. This is not a situation for massive overreaction. If half the posters on MN are to be believed, there must be a lot of mental pressure on people in real life to be perfect.

I also agree with the PP who said they've seen punishment threads on MN that are more worrying. Cold, calculated behaviour rather than heat of the moment.