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Original poster

Sudden act of aggression

189 replies

Itismeghan · 16/06/2023 21:32

I need some advice on what to do please. Been with husband over 15 years. There’s been no violence or abuse in this time. Then tonight when my 10yo was taking ages to have her drink/snack before bed, ignoring him telling her to hurry up, he lost it and grabbed hold of her and pulled her across the room. She banged her arm on a table and got a red mark. I comforted her and told him he shouldn’t have done that and he said sorry to her and we put the kids to bed. I’ve confronted him about it and he said he shouldn’t have done it but didn’t think it was as serious of an issue as I was making out. He’s upstairs in bed because I said I didn’t know if I could move on from it.

OP posts:
Avondale89 · 16/06/2023 23:47

OP only you know for sure how serious it was, despite the amateur dramatics from some on this thread. I hope for your family’s sake that he never does it again and it doesn’t escalate. Sorry you’re having to deal with this.

georgianwindow · 16/06/2023 23:48

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:44

@flagpie namecalling?! Where exactly?! No it’s not my norm at all. Happily been with my husband since I was 18. Fantastic parents still married. Never been hit in my life. Two daughters grown up. Happy,healthy and they were never hit either. There were times over the years when I’d have like to have strangled them but I didn’t. As I said before,you’re overreacting and I stand by it

She wasn’t doing as she was told,he’s got angry and grabbed her to move her and her arm has ACCIDENTALLY been banged!

I am glad I live in a world where it is not actually acceptable for somebody to drag another one by the arm because they didn't do as they were told.

If your DH asks you to do something and you take longer than he likes, would it be OK for him to drag you around? Or should you have just done as you were told?

flagpie · 16/06/2023 23:50

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:44

@flagpie namecalling?! Where exactly?! No it’s not my norm at all. Happily been with my husband since I was 18. Fantastic parents still married. Never been hit in my life. Two daughters grown up. Happy,healthy and they were never hit either. There were times over the years when I’d have like to have strangled them but I didn’t. As I said before,you’re overreacting and I stand by it

You’re being a drama Queen

This has to be a wind up!

Spend your life wrapped up in cotton wool

This is what you have said to me, whilst minimising and saying 'he didn't do it' when talking about the child's arm that got hurt as she was dragged across the room by her father.

He DID do it. He absolutely did. Im sorry you can't recognise that.

You didn't need to call me a drama queen or suggest I was on the wind up etc, it's possible to engage in discussion without that.

He hurt her. He did do it.

He is downplaying it which means it is highly likely to continue and escalate and that's how women and children end up dead. No over reacting.

GottaGirlcrush · 16/06/2023 23:52

How is he downplaying it?

Op said he apologised

KEG973 · 16/06/2023 23:52

i agree with this. If it was a pattern different story. He apologised and feels shame as he is now in bed.

He didn’t grab a two by four and start hitting her. He pulled her towards her room and her arm got banged in the process, he didn’t intentionally Sam her arm into a table.

I would explain if anything like this ever happens again you will file a police report and there will be no arguing the matter so he had better keep his temper and frustrations in check.

GottaGirlcrush · 16/06/2023 23:54

That's probably the most sensible approach @KEG973

flagpie · 16/06/2023 23:55

GottaGirlcrush · 16/06/2023 23:52

How is he downplaying it?

Op said he apologised

he said he shouldn’t have done it but didn’t think it was as serious of an issue as I was making out

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 23:55

Ok

Sudden act of aggression
GottaGirlcrush · 16/06/2023 23:57

Most of mumsnet is agreeing with him there @flagpie

Op. Call nspcc for advice maybe? A bit of perspective from the professionals would be a good idea I think

Hotandverybothered · 16/06/2023 23:57

My husband once ,totally out of character,grabbed my teenage son by the neck over a really stupid row . This was about 20years ago ,they are spending this week sailing on the Solent! 🤷‍♀️
Yes his behaviour was awful and we had a row but has never happened again .
Really think PPs do over react TBH !

flagpie · 16/06/2023 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

flagpie · 16/06/2023 23:59

GottaGirlcrush · 16/06/2023 23:57

Most of mumsnet is agreeing with him there @flagpie

Op. Call nspcc for advice maybe? A bit of perspective from the professionals would be a good idea I think

Yep. Really worrying.

GottaGirlcrush · 17/06/2023 00:00

It's real life @flagpie

What do you think op should do? Leave, go to a hostel, divorce him and take it to court to deny all future access?

flagpie · 17/06/2023 00:04

GottaGirlcrush · 17/06/2023 00:00

It's real life @flagpie

What do you think op should do? Leave, go to a hostel, divorce him and take it to court to deny all future access?

The fact that it's real life is the worrying factor.

And yes, I do think, as I said initially that OP needs to protect her child. How that is done on a practical level is up to OP. If he has dragged OP across the room you would all be telling her to call the police and get him out. If a random person in the shop dragged the child about you would all be talking OP to call the police. Why is it ok that a grown man did this to a child?

GottaGirlcrush · 17/06/2023 00:05

A grown adult @flagpie you are enjoying hating on the menz a little too much ... thriving on it in fact...

flagpie · 17/06/2023 00:16

GottaGirlcrush · 17/06/2023 00:05

A grown adult @flagpie you are enjoying hating on the menz a little too much ... thriving on it in fact...

I don't hate 'menz'. I hate violence. I have mentioned upthread I don't think it's ok when it's a woman being excused their violence against children either. I hate innocent people being hurt. It just so happens that it is a man in this case and it is men in lots of other cases which have helped us build patterns of recognition.

GottaGirlcrush · 17/06/2023 00:17

So you want to send him to prison?? Or what?

flagpie · 17/06/2023 00:26

GottaGirlcrush · 17/06/2023 00:17

So you want to send him to prison?? Or what?

Please don't put words in my mouth. I didn't mention prison. I mentioned protecting the child from her father. The 'what's' and 'how's' are not the important part, recognising it needs to be done is the first step. Then seeking help from professionals, agencies who are specialists and can give good practical advice going forward.

If you think it's ok for a man to do that to a child then provide your point as to why you think it's ok. Challenging a sensible opinion with 'so you want to send him to prison??' Is classic avoidance.

GottaGirlcrush · 17/06/2023 00:35

I already advised upthread to call professionals for advice?

flagpie · 17/06/2023 00:40

GottaGirlcrush · 17/06/2023 00:35

I already advised upthread to call professionals for advice?

So you actually agree with me then?

Great. Goodnight.

FeigningConcern · 17/06/2023 00:42

Massive overreactions on this thread. Obviously not ok but he dragged her across a room and she happened to hurt her arm, he didn't punch her in the face!

OP there are lots of people on MN who are saints and never say or do anything in the heat of the moment. In the real world, normal people occasionally get it wrong and let their emotions get the better of them.

I'd let it all cool down and discuss it tomorrow.

GottaGirlcrush · 17/06/2023 00:47

No not on all your points , no @flagpie

flagpie · 17/06/2023 00:53

GottaGirlcrush · 17/06/2023 00:47

No not on all your points , no @flagpie

I only have one point...

OP needs to protect her child.

Comfortablechairs · 17/06/2023 00:57

I used to save the threads from mothers hitting their children and being told that everyone loses it sometimes and that worrying about it shows that they are good mothers. Of course it is not a good thing but she banged her arm on a table. He didn't intend that to happen. I seriously doubt that social services would be interested in an incident like this.
I hate the threads from mothers asking for advice on delivering punishments to their children. I always correct to behaviour management. One mother boasted about catching her three year old daughter hiding broccoli in the loo ( 5year old) and was stopped yoghurts for a week. The child's only sweet treat. In my opinion the posters who plan punishments in cold blood are cruel.
If it is a one off and you are not afraid of your husband and your daughter is not afraid of her father, forgive him and move on.

GottaGirlcrush · 17/06/2023 01:03

@flagpie op IS protecting her child

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